but i miss you when you’re gone…

Whew….. So it’s been a pretty crazy couple of days. Ok, let’s recap.. It all began about 2 weeks ago. I was sitting in the library and randomly decided that I felt like going back to Iowa to see everyone b/c I missed them all. So that day and night I looked for some good plane deals, I found one the next day, and booked a flight. So that’s the background. Then to be fun, I thought I wouldn’t tell Chris so that I could surprise him and it would be way fun and he would be excited and stuff. I told most other people since they would need to come back from college and stuff.

So yeah…. FINALLY October 2nd comes, and it’s time to go. I had class till 9:45 and Martha and I left right after that. There was some drama driving as we were confused, there are so many interstates/highways in California!!! So we finally got there, I had a coffee and a danish and sat around waiting for my flight. While sitting, I read some Frankenstein. Got on my first flight, I don’t remember anything interesting happening there. I finished up Frankenstein, rocked out to Mates of State, and thought about what method I would use to surprise Chris. I also got very nervous and sweat a lot. And the guy next to me was asleep and snoring and he kept swinging his head towards me and almost hitting me. Very creepy.

I got into Chicago, and called Chris. I knew he would find something suspicious b/c I didn’t pick up my phone and he had called twice. So I thought of a good lie, which was that I had a meeting w/ my Science group… yes, I would’ve just put my phone on silent and I’m sure he knew that. But at any rate, it was right around 7, and I said I was gonna eat, work out, and then shower, so I’d be awhile. He’s like About 2 ½ hours ? and I was like yeah, sure. I had anticipated it being just around that time. Well, no.

My stupid flight out of Chicago just sat on the runway for a long time, which was uber annoying b/c the pilot was like There’s just a small plane sitting on the runway right now. I don’t know what it’s doing. So finally it left or whatever and we took off about a half hour late. So that was sad. I was so nervous and excited on this 2nd flight I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to get there.

So I finally land in Des Moines. So then I couldn’t get my phone to work but eventually it did and I called Martha and let her know I was there. I wanted to call Chris so bad, but I couldn’t think of an excuse as to why I couldn’t actually talk to him for like another 45 minutes. So I found Neil and we were out.

Drove to Chris’ house, I was uber excited the whole time, and didn’t quite realize how far we were from Ames. I just wanted to get there!! Neil and I talked about random stuff the whole time… excitement.

So I finally get there and I’m just DYING. I had finally decided that what I was going to do was call Chris, and tell him that my internet was broken. Then I was going to ask him to look up the tracking # of the package I sent him (In case you didn’t know, that was the ruse. I told Chris that I sent him something, of course the something was me.

However, it was very funny b/c I had made up tracking #’s and everything). So I was gonna have him look it up for me. While he was doing this, I was going to be unlocking his door and coming inside, and when he said the tracking # didn’t work, I was going to say Well, actually I think your package is in the living room. And he was going to come out and we were gonna freak out and stuff.

It didn’t go QUITE that way. I called him and he was in bed. Problem 1. And he was mad at me for calling so late. Problem 2. So he’s mad at me, I’m not even saying anything b/c I’m just trying to open the freaking door, and that’s where Problem 3 happens. My key wouldn’t work! I could not for the life of me open that damn door. So I got frustrated and I was like Ok, I have to go to the bathroom, let me call you back in a couple minutes. And he’s like fine. So then I use both hands to try and get the door open and it STILL wouldn’t open. So frustrating … and of course I’m shaking and freaking out the whole time b/c I was so close! So I called him again and I’m like Go into your living room. and he’s like why? And I was like Just do it. And so then I was just like Open the door. And he’s like Why? And I just didn’t say anything…. And then he opened the door, and poof! There I was!

He seemed very excited. I was very excited. We stood in the doorway and hugged and kissed and cried. Some crazy came down the stairs, so I brought my bags inside and we continued hugging and kissing. We probably stood there for a good half hour before we could move. We just couldn’t let each other go, it was amazing. I had no idea what I would feel when I saw him, but this was 10 x more than what I ever expected. So after all that, I was gonna eat something, but I wanted to lay down with him for a few minutes. So we went and layed in bed for probably another half hour. Then he made me some tacos, and we watched the movie of our relationship on his TV and talked and had such a great time. It was GRRRRRRRRRREAT to see my baby again!! And while we layed in bed, that is where perhaps the most exciting news came in.
There had been talk of dating other people, and Chris had brought up that he wished we had just tried the long distance thing. So I had been contemplating that for awhile, and I didn’t know what I wanted. However, I really thought I was going to decided that we should see other people… at least until we were in a better position to date each other. But then I realized something… there was a reason I cried every time we talked about it, there was a reason I spent XXX to come see him, and miss classes that I really shouldn’t of. There is a reason that I stay in my dorm room all afternoon and talk to him online. And I thought Now why the hell would I want to lose that for something that I don’t even want to work out? And that’s when I decided that I as well wanted to try. So I told him this while we were laying in bed. I actually asked him out, formally J So as of very late on the night of October 2nd, Chris and Andrew are officially the cutest gay couple in the world again! So that was very exciting, and I know that he was happy.

We layed around and talked that night, I told him the plans for the rest of the weekend and he seemed cool with it. All was good.

Woke up at 4:30 or so…. Couldn’t sleep. We kissed and talked. Went back to bed and woke up at 7 something. At this point, we just gave up and got outta bed. We showered and watched Jerry Springer, which was really funny, and then we just hung out and talked and stuff. I showed him the movie of my friend and I from Cali and he said that Ross was cute. He seemed to like everyone (Well, at least the tape version of them) so hopefully that’s a good sign. And I’m sure everyone in Cali will just love him too! And if they don’t… well I don’t care! Eventually he had an interview, so we went to the mall.

He went to the interview, and I called Martha and talked to her for a few minutes. I went to the really good cookie place and bought him a cookie for being so great and getting an interview, and then I sat on a bench and waited for him. So he was done at some point, I gave him the cookie, he said I was sweet, and we were off. The interview was shorter than expected, so we went to WF, where I deposited my check and Chris opened a savings account. And I got a brownie. MMM.

After that, we went to see Katie at ISU. I really really love that campus. I’ve never really thought about it before.. But it’s really pretty. I think I would like going to school there. But let’s face it, I don’t think I’m gonna move back to Iowa anytime soon. Unless it was for the rest of this year to be with my Topher man! Saw KT’s dorm room, and then Sasha’s. I made fun of them for not having their own bathrooms/air conditioning/carpet. Chapman dorms have spoiled me rotten. So that was fun, and very random. Then we went to Gerry’s room, and I saw him, Marcus, and Matt Shwery, which was all just very random.

We broke soon and went home so Chris could change, and then went to Hickory Park where we were going to meet up w/ my sis and Bryce. So while we were waiting, some randoms drove by and said something about a hot ass or tight ass or something. I was like are they talking to us? and Chris was like Let’s kiss. So we kissed and then these kids were screaming Do it again! out the window and I flipped them off, and uttered a death wish to them. Fuckin kids.

Bryce and Jaime eventually got there, but we had already been seated and our waitress was a bitch. She came to us and was like Are the other two people almost here? and I was like yeah, just a couple minutes. And she’s like Well we don’t seat parties that aren’t full. I was like ooook, yeah well obviously we ARE seated, so take that and shove It up your ass Kim. So Jaime and Bryce got there, and it was all good times, and as Bryce was commenting on how Kim’s teeth looked like a horses’ she came up right behind him and got him a new drink or something. Very funny, he can be so tactful sometimes. So we had dinner and that was all around good times, I finally got the patty melt I’d been craving. MMMM it was yummy. Chris and I split some ice cream too. And Bryce commented on our sex life. Very weird. Chris paid for me, thanks honey!

After that, we went to Sam’s club b/c I was gonna get some protein bars, but I didn’t end up getting anything. So we went to Jaime’s apartment and got a movie and went back to Chris’s and watched It. It was Bridget Jones’ Diary. Not quite as funny as I thought it would be, it was more random than anything. After that, I don’t think it was even 11 yet, but we were uber tired so we just went to bed.

The next morning, we woke up pretty early, around 7:15 ish b/c I had to meet my friends. The morning started off bad, and it really upset me. Chris was upset b/c he wasn’t invited to breakfast, then I got upset b/c I thought he didn’t understand that I had to see those friends as well, and that they also wanted alone time, and then he thought I didn’t understand him, and then I got upset b/c I didn’t fly to Iowa to fight.

Though it wasn’t a big deal. We did eventually get it all straightened out and it turns out that everyone thought Chris was coming to breakfast anyway. But no one cared to inform me. No biggie, he came to breakfast, as did Danielle, Rach, KT, and Court, and it was all good times. After that he broke, and we all went to Court’s house.

Talked to Gbor for awhile, and then Jaime and Bryce called and she was gonna make a copy of my house key so that I could go get my jackets. So she did, and then Court and I went to pick it up (Rach and KT broke). Got the key, went to my house. Looking back, I should’ve taken more stuff, cause I meant to grab a few sweaters. But opening up the boxes, finding what I wanted, and then repacking seemed like too much work. So I just grabbed 2 jackets, a few ties, other assorted things, and we broke. Went to a deli and Court got some soup and I had a cookie, which was yummy yummy. After that we went to the mall, which is completely finished and looks cool. Not that I would now spend more money there just b/c they redesigned, but it did look cool. After that, it was time for WF.

We pulled up there and I felt all nostalgic and stuff, even though I complained about my job tons. Nicole was there, as was Cara, Jean, and Brenda, and apparently one of our newest team members, Lauren Williams. All very random. John Petermeier now inhabits my old seat, and everyone else pretty much got moved around. So much change! I sat and talked with Jean in her new supervisor’s office (Brent’s old one), and then walked around and talked to people. Cara and Nicole both wanted to know about Chris, and they were both very excited to find that we had gotten back together. I laughed b/c at everyone’s desk there are these mirrors and there is a thing around the outside, a frame I guess, and it says ‘SMILE! What is the customer hearing? SOOOO Funny. I would die if I had to have one at my cubicle. But yeah.. I really hope I can work there over Christmas and also over the summer. If not, I don’t know where I’ll get any money from. But yeah, we hung out there until Jean was ready, and then Her Court and I broke and went to Cheddars.

I wasn’t even really hungry but I wanted a Chicken Tender Wrapper. So I got that, and we just all sat around and laughed a lot. Jean said perhaps there is someway I could combine stripping and sperm donating into one profession. Very funny. Court had a cookie monster, so I got to eat some of that too, very good. And randomly the waitress apparently finished working halfway through our meal, and she just left. I though they had to stay until everyone in their section was done eating. Eh, that was annoying. But we had a really good time, and Jean paid, that was very nice, thanks Jean Jean!

Went back to WF, called Chris and told him we were done. He said he would be there soon and had to get something for his parents first. So went back to Court’s unloaded her truck w/ all her college stuff and hung out. I went through all her pics and put little notes on the ones I wanted doubles of.

She thinks I got a bit overzealous. She’s right.

Chris eventually came and we all sat around for a bit and talked and had a good time. After that, Chris and I broke. Ginny called and wanted us to come over to KT Rodger’s house.

So as we are heading over there, we stopped b/c I saw Savanna. So she freaked out, told me about her plans to move to Vegas, and then left. She was going to homecoming. Very random. So we went to Katie’s and Alanna was there with some boy, and Ginny came a few minutes later. Good to see everyone. Alanna was like I could’ve signed you up for the dance.. I was like Uhhh that’s ok. So we hung out there for a bit, and then made plans to meet up w/ Becky and Neil at 7 downtown. Took pics, did randomness, then we broke. During all this, KT had called and wanted me to come over so she could see me one more time and say goodbye.

I know Chris was a bit annoyed b/c we told his cousin 7 and it was already almost 6:45ish, but he said it was ok. So we went to KT’s probably spent about 15 minutes there, and then headed downtown.

Twas cool to be there again, nothing too too exciting. Sat and had a frozen mocha that Topher bought me, thanks ! And then we broke b/c Neil was hungry. So we went to this random place far out and had some good Chicken alfredo pizza thing? I dunno, it was good and I ate more again, even though I wasn’t hungry. Neil paid that time, thanks!! After that, they took us back to our car and we went to Chris’ in Polk City.

Got there, and we hottubbed for awhile, and it was really hot in there. Talked and generally had a good time. After that, we got all dryoffified, and then got ready to go back to Ames.

Drove to Ames, talked about places it would be fun to make love in, and went to Hy-Vee, where we got some breakfast food. Went back to Chris’, and I put on my cowboy hat, which he thought was really cute. The rest of the night will be delegated to a private entry.

Went to bed and decided we would sleep in. So we woke up at 10 something or 9 something, I can’t remember. He showered, I showered, my sis called and said she was gonna come soon for breakfast, so Chris made some pancakes and omelletes and Jaime came over and we ate and it was all good times. After she left, I packed up all my stuff and we headed to the Blank Part Zoo. Got a little lost on the way there, but eventually found it. That was good times there, even though it was a bit on the smallish side. They had some really cute giant turtles and they were fun. The bugs were insane. That’s one thing I DON’T miss. I didn’t even realize that Cali has no bugs. But when you go back to Iowa, oh boy do you realize. I spent more time than I should’ve complaining about the bugs at the zoo. But we had a good time, and again Topher paid for my admission, which was sweet of him! He paid for mostly everything this weekend, so BIG HUGS go out to him. We had a rootbeer float at the zoo and that was good. Uh oh, only 15 min on my battery left!! Must hurry!

After we left the zoo, we went to the porn store and wandered around for a short while. It was really funny b/c someone actually came up to us and asked if we needed help finding anything. I just felt weird… like what are you supposed to say? Yes, can you help me find a dildo that would suitable for my big fat ass? Thanks.. Yeah random.

So we left there, and went to some aquatic stores and looked for stingrays, they didn’t have any!! Very sad. But yeah after that we went over to Saylorville, which was uber uber romantic, and a very good time. There was this little Peninsula that we went out to. There was nobody there except for the two of us and we sat on a rock together and watched the sunset and had a really good time, and talked about stuff. I tried to convince him to come to Cali with me today, but he denied L It’s ok, I understand, I just don’t want to have to deal with the next 3 months until I get to see him again! I wish I had enough money to go back for another weekend. Perhaps if I get to the sperm bank I will… just kidding.

So we hung out there for a long time, the sunset was so pretty and we took some pics which hopefully Chris puts up on his website.

Oh I forgot to mention. When Chris first answered the door and let me in, he was just in his boxers. And let me just say that his working out has totally paid off, even in the short 6 or 7 weeks he’s been doing it. He looks slimmer, and has definitely gained more muscle. His abs are hard too. I just thought that was great, I’m sure he’s glad to hear that there IS a visible difference, and I hope that he continues doing as great as he has been!

Anyways, after the sunset, we decided to find the Chinese buffet place, to have some dinner. We finally found it, after deciding that it in fact was not on 86th street.. Which I really didn’t think it was on to begin with. Sat down there, and ate like blargmonsters, as always. I tried to pay but he wouldn’t let me, and he paid again! He did a lot of paying this weekend, and I feel bad L

So after that, we went back to his house. We really wanted to hot tub one last time, but decided it would be best to just go to bed. So we went to sleep around 10 something. I slept fairly well, considering what was about to happen the next day. Chris’ dad banged on the door and I heard that and I felt really bad b/c I had left his dome light on the night before and he had to go turn it off and I was afraid that the battery may have died. When he came back, I apologized. He said it was ok though. Went back to sleep and we woke up at 5 and that totally sucked.

I got ready, and we went downstairs and suddenly leaving on a jet plane got in my head, and well it would not leave. So that of course sent me off on a cryfest. And I pretty much cried from Chris’ house all the way to my plane. I broke once in there from the crying so that I could get my ticket. But besides that.. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to look at Chris. Seeing his eyes and his face and all the affection just got to me. So I stared out the window and all the sad songs in the world played in my head and I just cried and cried. When we got to the airport, it sucked, and I refused to get out of the car.

Eventually I had to. We went in and it was sad, and we both teared up. We made our way to right in front of security, and the line was getting pretty long, so I had to get in there or else I would miss my flight. Which, considering I skipped all classes today, I wish I would’ve taken a later afternoon flight and spent more time with Christopher. Ahh, regrets. So yeah, I cried a few times on the plane but attempted to keep it under control.

When I got to LAX, the weather was horrible and foggy and I just wanted my Topher back so bad. He had left me 2 messages and so I listened to them and at least was able to smile for a few minutes. Then I called to let him know I was there, and it was good to talk to him, though it made me all the more sadder. The whole drama with finding Mike was too much for me, and as I stood there waiting for him, I cried some more. I’m so pathetic sometimes.

It’s the opposite of last time we said goodbye. We both cried, but Chris was doing it a little more than me, and I kept saying oh it’ll be ok, don’t worry it’s just a small amount of time we can do it blah blah blah and this time it was me who couldn’t control myself and Chris who was trying to soothe me with those words. Anyways….

Chris called while I was at lunch and he told me not to be sad. But I am. I miss him so much. I’m not gonna gush here, it’ll make everyone sick.

Well, all in all, I had a VERY VERY wonderful weekend, probably the best one since I’ve been here. I have to write a private update now… and then do lots of schoolwork that somehow got neglected.

Week One… Down

Well, I was going to wait tell later this evening to write this update, but we got out of my last class an hour early, so I’m going to go ahead and write it now.

Week number one is over with. That’s right, one week ago tonight, I was saying goodbye to the boy that I loved. WE stood there on the Chapman University, in Orange California and held each other for the last time. We kissed each other goodbye for the last time, and we took the last picture of us together.


We stood there, and talked for about an hour while we waited for the cab to get there.

As the cab got there, we hugged on last time, and gave each other one last quick kiss. And with that, our relationship ended, and we were just friends.

Anyways, you all know that story of what happened.

But it’s been a week, and how am I doing?

Horrible… That’s how.

I go to bed every night and I cry because I want him to be back here. I want to lay with and hold him in my arms when I go to bed. I want to see his face again, and kiss his cheak.

I want it all to be over, college life, and everything. I don’t want to be sad.

I really hope that the next 18 weeks go by very fast. I can’t wait to see his face come walking down those stairs at the DSM airport. I really can’t.

What I really need right now is for someone to give a shit. I want someone to sit down and listen to my stories about our trip to NJ, and NY, and Orange. I want someone to sit with me and go through the pictures. And then when I start crying. I want someone to hold me, and to comfort me.

I want to feel his arms around me again, those comforting arms. Whenever he hugged me, I knew it was alright. I knew that I could cry about it, and that someone would be there to tell me that it’ll be alright. But now, I have no one.

No one wants to listen to my stories about our trip. No one wants to see the pictures.

When I got back to Work, everyone asked how my trip was. My responce was always the same… “It was good, but very emotionaly stressful.” Everyone just said, “Oh, that’s nice” and then walked off. I really wanted someone to say, “Oh, what do you mean.” So that I can tell them that I just left he most wonderfuly boyfriend in Orange, and now I’m scared. And I want him back.

Ok, well I don?t have TOO too much to privately update about, but I promised Chris one, so here goes.

The past few days have been upsetting, sad, and happy all at once. I was very upset w/ the fights that we kept having. I really didn?t think they were necessary in most cases. And it just made me sad that we had to fight right before we were leaving. We went 3 months with no fights, and then suddenly we are fighting seemingly non stop. I know it wasn?t really non stop , but I was really stressed and it felt that way. However, I am glad that we have figured everything out and we are no longer fighting and everything is good between us. I think it was just the stressfullness on both of our parts, and then any little thing would set us off and then we?d fight. But it?s ok now.

Last night was really hard for me. We were laying together in bed, and I was telling Chris how scared I was to do all my orientation stuff. Eventually he started crying, and it broke my heart. Because he started really crying, and letting it all out. I just held him and told him everything would be ok and that I was here to hold him. I didn?t know what to do, I felt so helpless right then, I just wanted to make everything better for him. I started crying too. I?m halfway crying now. This is emotionally harder than I thought it would be. Last night was proof of that. I?ve never seen someone cry so hard for me. It makes me realize how lucky I am. I doubt a guy will ever cry like that for me again.

I don?t want to go, I just want to stay in Iowa, all this change is too much for me. I?m scared, I?m upset, I?m sad all the time, I don?t know what I?m gonna do in Cali. Hopefully I?m just getting lots of pre school jitters and everything will be fine. But it might not be.

Anyways?. Today was a really good day with Chris. There was lots of stress in the beginning with the post office and stuff, but then the plane ride was so fun. I thought we were just the 2 cutest little gay boys in the world, sitting on that plane, laughing and holding hands, tickling, and talking. We looked at Sky Mall and talked, and just generally had a great time. Eventually he left me ?go to sleep? but I really didn?t, I kept opening my eyes and just talking to him more. We laughed and had such a good time, and took cute pics of ourselves. Very cute.

I am gonna miss my Topher insanely after next week. It seems so weird that in a week I will be in California, away from everybody that I know. It?s very hard to think about. In between all my wanting to be sad and crying, I will have to be *extra* happy and cheerful so that I make friends. I just want to skip all of orientation and sit in my room and cry. Maybe I will.

Especially having to say good bye to Chris on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning. I don?t want to, but I feel it will make the goodbye easier. Well??. Nothing could really make that goodbye easier. It is very hard to say goodbye to someone who makes me feel the way he does, and to someone who really loves me, and to someone who thinks I?m sexy and sweet and smart. What if I never find that again? What if I don?t want to?

I feel weird being here, more on that later maybe. I just feel so ?? well it?s almost ashamed ? of everything. I just want to go to Cali and start my new life, away from my family?.. But I wish it was with my Topher.


Well I’m doing much better today and yesterday then I had been all week. Much better.

Yesterday I came into work about 8ish and got alot done. I left here at 10 and went home and waited for Drew to get here…

He finally got here and we sat around watching Ricki Lake and the Springer show. About 1:45 we decided that we were hungry so off to Great Plains we went… EVeryone there was uber bitchy. They were like “We close in 5 minutes, and there’s not slices left.” And not just ONE person told us that. I was like, “So I don’t want slices I want to order a pizza.” Fuckers.

Anyways, we got our pizza and then went off to my office since they wouldn’t let us sit there and eat it. Got here and they were tearing my office apart. I was very annoyed. I hate it when people are in my office when I’m not here. It just really gets to me.

Andrew and I sat in my office eating pizza and talking about the trip. We decided that it would be alright if I fly seperate from them out to Cali. I’d get there earlier then them, but about an hour. But that’s alright. I’ll just wait in the airport.

On the return trip back to Iowa though, I’ll be stuck in the “Bush International” airport in Texas… For about 3 hours or so. And I won’t get back to DSM tell 8pm that night. Sucky for that. And I’ll have to be back at work at 8AM the next day. Very annoying.

I’m still slightly stressed out cause I have a feeling that Andrew’s mom is going to get an UBER expensive hotel… That woman can’t do anything for cheap. Andrew and I looked online yesterday for some cheap hotels and found a few, so hopefully he can talk her into some of those. Nothing that’s more then like $70 a night I think would be reasonable.

After we got that all settled we tried to call my mom, but she was in a meeting. So we just sat around here for a bit longer and then left.

We went to the Commuter lot on campus and I taught Andrew how to drive my car… He was VERY good at it for never having driven a stick shift before. The first time he tried he actually got it moving! But he did kill it some, not near as much as Adam did when Angel and I taught him how to drive it…

Drove around the parking lot for like an hour. Andrew was really getting the hang of it all by the time we left. I was very proud of him. Perhaps I’ll let him drive my car on the street sometime. lol.

Once we were done with that we went to the bank and I deposited a check, and from there we went to the Mall. I picked up an application for the Gap, and we checked out to see what movies are playing. Nothing good was.

Decided that there wasn’t anything else to do and went back to my Apartment.

We spent the rest of the night laying on the couch/bed just talking and cuddling. Just what I really needed.

It was so good to see him again. And I’m so glad that the whole flight thing is all taken care of now. Thought I had a dream the other night that there was weather for my flight, so I was able to talk the woman into getting me on their flight, it made my day in the dream… Now lets just cross our fingers and hope that the same can happen in real life… OR knowing Chicago, there will be weather there, and they can get on my flights! lol.

Once it came time for him to leave it was very hard, as it usually is. I think now it’ll be just getting harder and harder from here on out though. Hopefully the tears won’t start running again tell we’re actually saying good bye in Orange.

I really wish we had more time in California… Mostly because I want to go HERE!

Well, that’s my life.

Andrew’s Paper About Himself

j@j@ SqUaLL0112@aol.com
To: chris@cjbonline.org
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2003 21:20:00 EDT

February10, 2003


APLit and Comp.


Writingan entire paper about oneself at first seems to be such a simple task. Afterall, who knows myself better than me? However, as the beginnings of this paperbegan to take shape, I see that it is much harder to look at yourselfobjectively and tell the truth than I initially thought. I have enjoyed theexperience, though, of getting a chance to step back, look at myself, andrealize my values and how I view myself.
Myphysical characteristics are, I believe, the most difficult to explain. Findingthe right words to describe myself as I would like to be described has provento be a taxing endeavor. As I gaze at a picture of myself, I decide to justwrite exactly what I see. I see me: a young man of medium height and mediumbuild. Nearly jet-black hair arranged in orderly spikes is dispensed evenlyabout my head. My forehead contains two beauty marks, one above the righteyebrow, the other just under my hairline on the left side of my forehead. Mybushy eyebrows come next, and I’ve always felt that the bushiness adds a touchof character. There is a hole in the right brow through which a metal barbellhas been placed. My eyes are brown and commonplace, yet also achieve a depthand expression that is, in my opinion, unrivaled. Full and passionate lips areprobably the most striking feature on my face. They are cherry red, andconstantly chapped and scarred—I have a habit of picking off the outer layer ofskin whenever I get anxious or nervous. My ears are just the right size inproportion to the rest of me, and the left one contains two bumps: one on mycartilage, and the other on my earlobe—these are the remnants of formerpiercings. Probably my favorite feature on myself is something that isn’tvisibly seen by the naked eye. I have a tattoo down by my pelvic bone. It is ofa four-leaf clover. Being the impulsive and crazy guy that I am, the day Iturned 18, I was at the tattoo parlor getting it done. The tattoo, to me, addseven more depth to my character. When I look at the whole deal, I’d like tothink I’m a pretty handsome guy.
Iquestioned many friends during the course of writing this paper, in an attemptto find out if what I thought about myself was parallel to what my friendsthought of me. Nearly all of their answers matched up with what I believed, soI would say that I have a pretty good self-image of myself.
Iwould say that my distinguishing characteristic is my humor. I enjoy makingpeople laugh and seeing them have a good time. Humor to me comes naturally andI constantly tell stories with zeal and zest—nearly all of them are veryentertaining. Sometimes I tend to exaggerate what really happened, just a bit,for comedic effect. But I truly think that it isn’t a big deal; it adds to thestory and most of the time isn’t even that far of a stretch from what reallyhappened. My humor, I think, is sometimes a mask for me. I use it to mask mycynicism, my pains, my sorrows. It is sometimes easier to just laugh aboutsomething and make it into a funny story than to deal with it. This can lead meto repress things. When this happens, I often explode with anger aninappropriate times; usually it is directed towards someone who hasn’t evendone anything—whoever happens to be there at the time will receive the brunt ofmy rage. At the same time, though, humor is also what keeps me going. I make itthrough my school days, I make it through work, I make it through speechpractice because of humor. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good and fuzzyinside. It also is a very good stress reliever to just laugh and laugh aboutabsolutely nothing, which I frequently do. I think I have a sense of humor thatis just slightly off kilter with everyone else’s. While not a big deal, sometimesI will laugh uncontrollably at something that other people just roll their eyesat. One thing I do that no one else seems to enjoy, save just a select few ofmy friends, is quote things. I love Margaret Cho, the Queens of Comedy, andThe Simpsons. I think they are just the funniest things I have ever seen. Ican spend an entire night quoting them, much to the dismay of the people aroundme. I would have to say that my favorite quote is from Margaret Cho’s movie,I’m the One that I Want: The photographer kept saying, ‘Could you just twistso you have a waist? And stretch out your face so you don’t have a double chin,ok?’ twist, chin, Twist, Chin, TWIST, CHIN, AHHH! Tears filled up in my eyesand rolled down my face and the makeup artist came and powdered over it.
Onething about me that I feel makes me stand out around other people is myuniqueness and individuality. I feel that I am very different than most people.One of the reasons I feel this is because I’m gay. It may be fairly common in someplaces, but here in Waukee, it is practically unheard of. This circumstancesets me apart from most others. Another thing is that I am just wild, crazy,and adventurous. I am willing to try anything once. Occasionally, I do reallyrandom things. I don’t care what other people think; I just like to go out andhave a good time. For example, when Ginny Ray and I go shopping, sometimes shewill trip me and we will just fall to the ground as dramatically as possible,laughing the whole way. I’m just weird all around. I constantly have verystrange ideas, and I say the most random things. However, it is all just a partof my sense of humor. Me being random very often gets people to laugh, if notonly at the sheer randomness. And making people laugh makes me feel good aboutmyself, and makes others happy, so I feel that it is all a good thing.
Iam valorous and loyal. I try to always be the person who says, This isn’t theend of the world. We can make it through. I think I have been through somepretty tough stuff, and I have always come out on top. In the face of adversity, I steel myself,and am strong. I always hope that others follow my example, or are inspired byme. I don’t think anyone ever is, though. Loyalty is a trait that I value verymuch. I stay true to my friends, and I would expect that they do the same forme. I attempt to not betray my friends, though I have before, and more thanlikely it was unwittingly.
Withevery good, of course, comes bad. I have talked for two pages about my goodqualities, and why I think I am so great. I have just as much to say about myfaults.
Afault that can probably be gathered from this paper is the fact that I amconceited. I have a very high opinion of myself. I hold myself in higherregards than I do most other people. This does not include my friends ofcourse—people who I like I feel are on the same plane as me. However, peoplethat I dislike, I tend to think of as lower than I. Why I feel this way is amystery to me. I just think that I am a great guy, and deserving of goodthings. Along with this comes the fact that I am selfish and egocentric. In myworld, I come first, before anyone else. My happiness, my enjoyment, mypleasure must be in place before I think about anyone else’s. For the mostpart, I lack the skills of sharing. I make sure that I get what I want. It isdefinitely a bad trait to have at times, but I feel that one’s own happiness isof utmost importance. If a person spends their entire life just trying to makeother people happy, they are the ones who will end up downcast later in life.
Ihave not always been, but lately have become, very cynical. Like I said, it isusually masked with humor. I tend to look at the worst parts of a situation.For example, eating at McDonalds one day, after I had finished reading the bookFast Food Nation (an expose about the fast food industry), I spent the entiremeal complaining about how fast food is made, and how terrible it is and howhorrible our government must be to allow such things to exist. My friend Mike,who was with me, just looked over at me and said, Since when did you become sodamn cynical? I honestly don’t know when it started. I just suddenly startedthinking that there are so many problems in society that need to be fixedbefore we can live healthy, moral lives again. This makes me sound like a sad,melancholy person, who just sits home all day and broods over society’sproblems. That clearly is not the truth. I don’t think about these things allthe time. I am very good at pushing things out of my mind and just pretendingthey don’t exist. So while I am cynical, it doesn’t show very often. However,there are rare occasions, such as the McDonalds incident, where I just can’tstop discussing the worlds’ puzzles. At the same time that I say this, I ambeing hypocritical, which is another one of my downfalls. I don’t think mymorals are as high as the social ‘norms’, though they are higher than manypeople that I know. This is mainly because I feel that life is for living, andthat I’m not going to waste my time worrying about if what I’m doing is rightor not. I will do what I want, when I want, and how I want to. If people haveproblems with it, they can get over it. My life is for me, not for anyone else.
Thatstatement is hypocritical in itself. What I consider to be my biggest fault isthat I am sensitive. I let things get to me too easily. One person saying onemean thing to me can ruin my day. Many of my friends complain that they can’tjoke with me because I take everything too seriously. In that kind ofsituation, I find it hard to tell when a person is joking or not. This causesme much distress sometimes. I do not enjoy being ridiculed. Occasionally, whenit is by close friends and not in excess, it is ok. But oftentimes, I justwonder why my friends would be mean to me. I don’t understand why I can’t justrealize the fact that they are joking. Especially because I’ll do the samething back to them, and expect them to just be fine with it. I am attempting totoughen up and work on this, and so far, I have had some success. I just tryto dismiss it as a joke, and strive to not let it bother me.
Onemore thing, and this probably bothers people the most, about me is that I amultra melodramatic. I tend to blow things way out of proportion, sometimes forno real reason. Often times, it is because I really feel that the situationwarrants the attention I give it. Many people just think I’m dramatic bynature. I guess there are several situations that I see as very big crises, andothers see as just a small inconvenience. Part of the reason I do this is toadd at least a little variety to life. Living here in Iowa can get quite boringat times, so I feel the need to spice up my own life with some good old drama.
Despitethese faults that I find in myself, I still believe I am a good guy. Everyonehas good in them, though sometimes it takes a bit more effort to unearth. Ihave big plans for the rest of my life. My immediate longing was to livesomewhere other than Iowa. This is finally going to happen. Next year, I willbe attending Chapman University, a small private school in Orange, California,just thirty miles south of Los Angeles. I plan to study law, and am consideringa career in entertainment law; however, this is tentative and will probablychange many times before I finally decide what I want to do with my life.Whatever I do, I know that I want to make a success of myself, and I want tomake my family proud. I want to have at least one positive impact on the livesof the people who know me and on the world as a whole. I think I have a lotgoing for me. The future seems bright.
Thereis a song by Pink Floyd (my favorite band) that sums up how I feel aboutmyself, my life, and my future. It is called Learning to Fly. It is about aman who, as the title implies, wishes to learn to fly. He says, My soleintention is learning to fly. Condition grounded, but determined to try. Can’tkeep my eyes from the circling skies. Tongue-tied and twisted, just anearthbound misfit. I feel that at the end of high school, I really am learningto fly. I will be spreading my wings in a new state, with new people, and neweverything. I hope to one day see my shadow fly, out of the corner of mywatering eye. I will be able to start my new life, be who I want to be,experience life to the fullest, and for the first time, live.