Ok, well I don?t have TOO too much to privately update about, but I promised Chris one, so here goes.

The past few days have been upsetting, sad, and happy all at once. I was very upset w/ the fights that we kept having. I really didn?t think they were necessary in most cases. And it just made me sad that we had to fight right before we were leaving. We went 3 months with no fights, and then suddenly we are fighting seemingly non stop. I know it wasn?t really non stop , but I was really stressed and it felt that way. However, I am glad that we have figured everything out and we are no longer fighting and everything is good between us. I think it was just the stressfullness on both of our parts, and then any little thing would set us off and then we?d fight. But it?s ok now.

Last night was really hard for me. We were laying together in bed, and I was telling Chris how scared I was to do all my orientation stuff. Eventually he started crying, and it broke my heart. Because he started really crying, and letting it all out. I just held him and told him everything would be ok and that I was here to hold him. I didn?t know what to do, I felt so helpless right then, I just wanted to make everything better for him. I started crying too. I?m halfway crying now. This is emotionally harder than I thought it would be. Last night was proof of that. I?ve never seen someone cry so hard for me. It makes me realize how lucky I am. I doubt a guy will ever cry like that for me again.

I don?t want to go, I just want to stay in Iowa, all this change is too much for me. I?m scared, I?m upset, I?m sad all the time, I don?t know what I?m gonna do in Cali. Hopefully I?m just getting lots of pre school jitters and everything will be fine. But it might not be.

Anyways?. Today was a really good day with Chris. There was lots of stress in the beginning with the post office and stuff, but then the plane ride was so fun. I thought we were just the 2 cutest little gay boys in the world, sitting on that plane, laughing and holding hands, tickling, and talking. We looked at Sky Mall and talked, and just generally had a great time. Eventually he left me ?go to sleep? but I really didn?t, I kept opening my eyes and just talking to him more. We laughed and had such a good time, and took cute pics of ourselves. Very cute.

I am gonna miss my Topher insanely after next week. It seems so weird that in a week I will be in California, away from everybody that I know. It?s very hard to think about. In between all my wanting to be sad and crying, I will have to be *extra* happy and cheerful so that I make friends. I just want to skip all of orientation and sit in my room and cry. Maybe I will.

Especially having to say good bye to Chris on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning. I don?t want to, but I feel it will make the goodbye easier. Well??. Nothing could really make that goodbye easier. It is very hard to say goodbye to someone who makes me feel the way he does, and to someone who really loves me, and to someone who thinks I?m sexy and sweet and smart. What if I never find that again? What if I don?t want to?

I feel weird being here, more on that later maybe. I just feel so ?? well it?s almost ashamed ? of everything. I just want to go to Cali and start my new life, away from my family?.. But I wish it was with my Topher.

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