My Life

He Said he loves me

So, after the last post, we all went out to a bar in Oakland. I invited a one of my friends who brought 2 of his friends. So all together there were 6 of us. It was a fun night for most of us. We had some drinks, watched Karaoke, Charlie even got up on stage and sang a song.

But Eric, he sat there in the corner, refusing to talk to anyone. At one point he stormed off and went and hid in a backroom. Whatever. Nothing is going to make it better with him apparently.

While we were sitting at the bar, Charlie turned to me and said, “I love you” and all the rest of the night he was repeating it over and over. So that was nice. But ever since then, he’s barely said it. He will say it back to me if I say it. But he won’t just say it.

Shit with Derik has gotten worse. He’s not even replying to txt’s, emails from me now. I went and talked to the PM and I think that we finally have a resolution for how to get out of this. Derik is going to move to another apartment in the same building and I’m going to pay $6k to just leave. Super fucking annoying. Derik is the worst fucking piece of trash person I’ve ever met in my fucking life. I cannot believe how much of a fucking snake he is.

Last Thursday, Charlie went out with Eric by himself. I was mostly fine with it. I was a little annoyed that he only told me the day before. My friends are all busy people, I can’t just text them the day before andd go out with them. I was also a bit annoyed cause Charlie had worked nights the two days before. SO it was three days in a row where I didn’t see him.

Anyway, he goes out. Comes home around 10pm and we just have sex and go to bed. Don’t even talk about it at all. Well last night (Sunday) he finally brings up what they talked about. Eric is pissed that Charlie isn’t spending enough time with him. Well, honestly, yeah. He shouldn’t be spending more time with you. You’re an asshole to his boyfriend. You can’t get over the fact that you love him.

Charlie and I were at the gym while we were talking about this and I thought we were having a positive conversation about it. At one point, I said, “Maybe it would be best if you two just not have contact for a while so he can get over you.” Apparently that pissed Charlie off and he just shut down. Didn’t talk to me the whole rest of the work out. Not a word.

So we get back to the house and start talking about it and he was going on about how all I was doing was focusing on the negative. WTF does that even mean? I was trying to provide positive support to the situation. I don’t really like Eric, Eric clearly doesn’t like me. But at least I am making POSITIVE movements to the situation. I am supporting him hanging out with Eric, I am inviting Eric out to do things with us. When we do hang out, _I_ try to talk to Eric. He makes ZERO efforts to talk to me.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know if I can survive a relationship with this other guy in the picture.

We talked about just getting an apartment together. Charlie’s lease is up in June, I’m leaving the Oakland apartment. But I don’t think we’re ready for it. After what happened last night.

Honestly, I wonder if Charlie is still in love with Eric, I wonder if he regrets going back to me and just doesn’t know how to get out of it. Last night we talked about Eric being “over” him and Charlie said something like “If he wasn’t over me, he would have tried to get back with me already”. WTF, he’s BEEN trying, that’s what he’s doing. When we were out at the bar that night. Charlie was all over him. He was looping his arm through his, he had his arm around his waist, he was resting his head on his shoulder. All that stuff really pissed me off. Get your fucking hands off that guy. And this is exactly why I don’t want them going out drinking together. I don’t want Charlie getting physical with him (in what he says is just a friendly way) and having Eric take advantage of it. Charlie says he doesn’t even remember doing all those things with Eric.

How can you have a relationship where your boyfriends, best friend, hates you? Is it possible?

My Life

Am I overthinking?

So another post about Charlie and Eric. You all know my take on these two.

Last night I was cooking dinner and Charlie said: “Do we have any plans on Thursday?”.
I said: “No”
He said: “Eric wants to go out drinking”
I Said: “The two of you or the three of us?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
And then texted a bit more

A few hours later, I asked him: “So the three of us or the two of you?”
He said: “I haven’t checked to see if Eric replied”.
He was holding his phone. Why not check right there?

To me. This means they’ve already planned the night out. Excluding myself and Charlie just doesn’t want to tell me that.

I texted Charlie at 8:10am this morning: “Let me know what your plan is for tomorrow. If Iā€™m not invited then I want time to find something to do”.

It’s now 12:12 and no reply yet. I’m sure he will reply later and just say “Sorry, was so busy at work” and then he will say something like “Eric wants it to be just the two of us”. (speculation)

Of course ERIC wants it to be just the two of you, He hates me. He doesn’t speak to me, nor does he speak to Charlie in front of me.

This is really frustrating to me. If you don’t want me to go, just say so. Why would it have been so difficult last night at dinner to just say “Eric wants to hang out just the two of us”. I would have been annoyed but would have just said “Ok” and I would have found something ELSE to do.

I think there’s two things wrong here. 1) Charlie doesn’t want the confrontation of telling me him and Eric are going to hang out and 2) Charlie doesn’t want ME to go do other things without him. So in my mind, this is hypocritical.

Again, all speculation and this is where I get into the. Am I over thinking things? The last time this happened where him and Eric went out without me. It was all “yes you’re invited” and then suddenly the day they were going to hang out, “oh sorry, it won’t work you can’t come”. And when I brought it up that it would have been nice to know so that I could plan something with MY friends, his reply was “why is it so bad for you to just say home alone”.

Well whey should _I_ stay home alone when you’re out with your “best friend”/”Ex boyfriend”.

I wish this guy would just fucking disappear. It would make our relationship so much better.

I’ve also mentally convinced myself that they are going to go see the new Dumbledore movie together. Mostly because I’ve suggested we go see it TWICE in the last 5 days and Charlie has just ignored my suggestions. To me, this means that Eric has said something like “Let’s go see Dumbledore together” and Charlie said sure and now he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s already made plans with Eric to see it without me. Charlie went and saw Spiderman and batman movies without me (with Eric). Even though I had said I wanted to see them.

UPDATE:// He texted around 4pm and said: “I think he should just suck it up and we all go out”. So that’s good! šŸ™‚

My Life

I feel homeless

This month sucks…

So not only the roommate/trip drama, taxes being due (and having to pay $102,000 to the GOV!), and now my fucking BIKE has been stolen. So I’m going to have to go buy a new one now. I’m totally broke AF.

I feel completely homeless right now. I’m basically living at Charle’s house and his brothers are clearly not happy that I am here all the time. I can’t go back to my own apartment cause it’s AWK AF and I don’t even feel comfortable living there any more.

When we got home, I emailed the PM and asked what our options were to move out. The PM replied that the lease break fee is $17,000!!! He offered a few other options. 1) Derik moving out and I would have to to re-qualify for the apartment, not a problem but I feel like Derik should still owe something. 2) Rent Responsible – Which means that we would have to pay rent (and not live there) until they find a new person. This is pretty risky, but I guess a pretty good option.

I emailed Derik the options. 1) We break the lease and because he wants to break it, he should pay the majority of the Lease break fee (75%) or 2) He moves out and I keep the apartment but he pays for 50% of the remaining months rent ($8k).

He replied and just said “neither of these options work for me”. I replied with “ok, you’re the one who wants to move out, what options do you suggest” and he replied “none of these work for me”. WTF. Ok how about you fucking SUGGEST an option that DOES work for you. It’s a fucking negotiation here. You tell me what you want, I told you what I wanted.

Like at this point. I just really want him out. I want to be able to go to my own house and not feel uncomfortable that he’s going to randomly show up. I was at the apartment on saturday afternoon to do laundry and honestly, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I think there’s some other options that we can do but honestly I don’t really want to fucking suggest them to him. I’m also not sure where the fuck I am going after this. If we move forward with just moving out what do I do next? Do I just go ahead and get an apartment by myself, do I jump and get a place with Charlie? I feel it’s way too early to get a our own place but at the same time. We practically live together since January anyway. Do I move away from the bay, leaving behind Charlie and just doing my own fucking thing.

The other options are
1) We do the rent responsible thing – This could cost us each $1,800 or it could end up costing us $16,000 each. Just depending on how long it takes them to fill the apartment. One month or the remaining lease months? Will they actually put effort into filling an empty apartment that’s already being paid for?
2) He just move out and I don’t charge him anything. This would be a horrible financial option for me, but I can afford it. That just means that I would be spending nearly $4k/month on rent for an apartment. Charlie would basically move in with me there (free-ish)
3) Find a new roommate to replace one of the two of us. This could be an option but a little difficult to find someone who’s willing to pay $1800/month for one bedroom with some random person they don’t already know. If we could find a traveling nurse that would be perfect.
4) I dunno. Is there any other option? Or are we just stuck together for 8 more months.

This whole situation just really sucks. Since I was 18 years old, I’ve had MY OWN PLACE (except for one short stint in a shared rental in OC). I’ve always been the one in control, the one who makes the decisions about what happens. Now here I am fucking 40 years old and stuck, practically homeless with no where that I feel comfortable being.

I wish I could go back 8 months, not sell the Vallejo house and just still be there. Had I known things were going to go the way they were with Charlie, I would have stayed there.

My Life

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My Life

In Bora Bora

So, first day here in Bora Bora and things are going well so far. I mean all we’ve done is sit by the pool while we wait to go to the airport for the flight to the next island and then boarding the boat.

I wanted to do a quick update though about Charlie. It’s really been on my mind this morning and I don’t know how to approach things with him to get him to not be defensive about it.

Last Tuesday we got into a HUGE HUGE fight and I honestly thought it was the end of things. We were hanging out at his house and I told him I wanted to be in Oakland by 5pm. We were meeting Eric at 6 and I wanted to have time to get ready, maybe have some sex, walk astra, etc. Well it was 4:30 and he was fucking watching tiktoks again, his laundry was in the dryer and he needed to fold it before we could leave. So I was pushing him to get it done. He got all pissed at me cause I was pushing him and he was like “you’re dating a filipino you have to get used to this”. Excuse me, well you’re dating a white guy and I want to be on time for shit. So we packed and he was clearly all pissed off. We get to my house, he’s still clearly pissed off so I ask him to go up to the roof to talk about it. I told him that he needs to figure out what the fuck he wants out of this realtionship, this isn’t working for me the way it was. We didn’t have much time to talk cause Eric showed up.

We walk down stairs and get in the car and start driving and it’s complete silence. I try to talk to Eric and not any reply at all. So I text Charlie and I’m like “should I just go home”, he says “NO”. We get to the comedy club and again super awk, silence all around. The show was great and then after the show they decide to go to this rooftop bar. Honestly I just wanted to fucking go home. It was so god damn awkward and annoying that no one was talking.

We get to the bar and of course more silence. Eric sits there on his phone. Seriously. I am done trying to be nice to him. I am done trying to pull the fucking conversation with him. I get up and go to the bathroom and those two are chatting away, laughing, I get back, silence. We drive home and Charlie invites Eric up to have a water. Well somehow that turned into shots and I was pissed. I went to the bathroom and Charlie followed me and we had a bit of a fight in there. I think Eric got the hint cause he excused himself right away after that.

Once Charlie and I were alone I started talking, he sat there in silcense. Not saying a word. Turned his back to me and just pretended to sleep. He’s said in the past when this happens he just needs his space. So I let him sit there for an hour. It was now almost 3am and I got pissed off. he started to pack his bags and was walking out the door. I grabbed him and pulled him back in bed and told him some stuff to get him to calm down and we went to bed.

The next morning was super awk and honestly since then things have been bad, IMHO. Like we are “back to normal” but he’s also been way more distant via text. He’s completely stopped with the “at work now babe” or “on my way home”. He doesn’t update me throughout the day any more. He completely ignores me in fact. If I text him, no reply until after he’s off work. He has basically stopped sending any sort of emotional icons “kiss faces, etc” through text.

Honestly this is not how I want thing to be. He clearly texts Eric throughout the day, eh clearly has plenty of time to be on instagram and ticktock. HE needs to figure out what he wants. I want to approach this with him again. I need to let him know that I am not happy with this, that I want more out of him. That I want him to tell me when he gets to work, etc. He says he “forgets”. BS. He’s on his phone all day long at work.

Last night, example. I was flying to Tahiti, he had family come over and they hung out. Well he didn’t text me anything, didn’t say anything.

This week will be interesting while I’m away. He did text me that he misses me already. But then today we were texting in the morning and he jus stopped… I assume cause he got to work. But how about a “I’m at work now babe, talk later” message? Is that really too hard or too much to ask from him?

I wonder how much he will hang out with Eric this week. Will he tell me ahead of time he is going to hang out with Eric? Last tuesday, I actually suggested the two of them hang out this upcoming tuesday to go to a brunch place Charles has been wanting to eat at. Let’s see if that comes through and if Charles let’s me know when they plan it.

I dunno, I like him. I enjoy our time together but I just don’t really want this much drama in a young relationship. I don’t want to have to beg him to give me what I want. I don’t think that I am asking too much by asking for him to text me these things but his reply is basically always the same: “I come home to you ever day, I see you every morning. Why do you have to have so much attention throughout the day”. because I’m needy AF? LOL

Ugh. It’s just frustrating. I also wonder if we are even compatible long term. I’m here in bora bora. I want to do way more trips like this. But he can never get time off. He doesn’t have money to do these things. He even admitted to me he is struggling financially but when ever I bring up trying to help with a budget or something he just seems to ignore me.

I just don’t know. I want him to be more, I want him to express more, I want him to open up to me more. But I don’t know how to push him and tell him to do that, to even bring it up with him without him getting upset and shutting down.

I just hate how he wastes so much fucking time watching TikTok and instagram. I just hate that we don’t have much sex because he would rather watch TikTok. I hate that we are in this pattern already as only being together 3 months where a peck on the lips is all I get. There’s no passion from him.

Another example. I left Friday morning at 8am from his house (more like 8:30). I woke up at 8, showered, brushed my teeth, got ready and he was still in bed. I packed my things and got ready to leave. He’s still in bed. I kiss him goodbye and he doesn’t seem to really care that much. I walk out of his room and am leaving the house and he FINALLY COMES out to the front door and gives me one last peck. No passionate kisses, no long hugs goodbye, no “I’m going to miss you so much”. He BARELY could even muster getting out of bed to say goodbye to me. If rolls had been reversed, I would have been up and made him coffee while he was showering, I would have been standing there the whole time hugging him and kissing him. I would have walked him to his car and waved goodbye as he drove away.

Honestly, it’s just like he doesn’t care. I even told him It felt like I’m here just to fill his time.