Why does he make me cry

I’m sitting here, tears streaming down my face. Thinking about him. 2 years ago today was when we agreed to give it another try. Two years ago he said “Im just so excited I have you back and I don’t ever want to let you go again!!”.

And he let me go. He couldn’t open up. He said the other night he wanted me to get to know him to unravel him to open him up. But he resisted that. He resisted letting me in. He didn’t LET me get to know him.

Why am I the one hurting so much. Why am I the one who’s put all this effort in and he just moves on so easily.

Am I just fixing it just to break it?
Am I just hanging on, just so we can drown?
Like the love we thought we found, no
We’re hoping that we don’t just hit the ground
I’ve been pulling you close, but pushing me further
I’ve been holding it back, that I see you different
Sick of me remindin’ you to love me like you say you do
And I’ve been hurting myself to keep you from leaving
I’ve been wonderin’ whether we’ll last the season
Wish we could’ve made this work
But now I know that I need more
I need more
I need more
I need more
Afraid that I’ll lose you in the crowd
I wish that I was a priority
Then you walked out on me with a straight look on your face
And said you’ve had enough


So, last night was gingerbread house night. Jay, James and Charles have this tradition where they make gingerbread houses every year. The first year Charles and I were together, he said It was “too soon” for me to meet his friends. The second year, Charles and James weren’t talking. This year, Jay had made a comment I would be invited, but then I wasn’t. Which honestly was fine. It’s their tradition, not mine. I’m not with Charles any more, so I don’t need to be there.

However, one of the things they were going to talk to him about that night was the four of us hanging out more before we go to this Austin trip in Feb. Well apparently they couldn’t figure out any time in December that would work, so around 4:30 Charles called me and said: “Jay is inviting you over”. I was torn as to what to say. I wanted to say no, “Sorry, I already have plans”. (Hugo and I were going to go to the bar). But I also finally wanted to see him again. I wasn’t sure what to do. But I had to make a decision so I said yes. That was probably the wrong thing to say.

I got ready and drove over there. On the way, Apple Music was playing the perfect play list. The last song I heard was “a little bit yours” by JP Saxe. The perfect song for that night.

When I arrived, it was already awk, Charles barely even acknowledged my entrance, not even bothering to get up from his gingerbread house until I came over to say hi to him. And that was basically how the night went. He was sharing funny shit on his phone with James, he was texting god knows who. But mostly just ignoring me.

I felt out of place, I felt like I shouldn’t’ have been there. I felt like Charles didn’t actually want me there and that Jay and James were really having to try hard to not make it awk AF. At one point, James even mentioned my blog in front of Charles which was a bit annoying. But I mean Derik did spill the beans to him about this early on in our relationships, so I guess it doesn’t matter. And who knows if he reads this or not. James made the comment that Charles said “how come he doesn’t’ send it to me”. Maybe I should send it to him.

At one point they were talking about how before I got there they were discussion what they all like sexually or something and jay said “yeah Charles loves rimming”. Not once during our relationship could I ever get him to talk to me about what he did or didn’t like in sex. Why can he open up to them, talk to them but not to the person he SAID he loved, that he SAID he wanted to marry. Why, why can he and I not have this same banter about things.

Anyway, we went for dinner, then some drinks. Charles barely talking to me. The same old shit as our relationship. The same fucking Charles, nothing has changed. And yet I want him so badly. I want him to love me, I want him to be in my life. I want to wake up next to him every day, I want to hold his hand. I want to see his smile.

We left around 11pm, Charles and I said our goodbyes outside. I couldn’t help myself. I was drunk, I was annoyed. So I let it out, I told him I miss him that I still love him. Etc etc etc. All the shit I know he doesn’t want to hear. At one point, I said to him “you have to admit you were an asshole in our relationship” and he started to storm off, I chased after him and we talked longer. But of course nothing productive.

The whole tennis thing came up again. Which is so frustration that he feels the way he does. He said I was “holding him back”. That’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to ENCOURAGE him to go play. I just wanted to be INVITED. I wanted to play with him too. I wanted to go enjoy that time together with something HE LOVED to do.

On the drive home. I called him. And I said “Can we just have a normal conversation about our lives”. Can we just reconnect. So we talked about normal things but I could tell he was still holding back a lot. I was too, there’s a lot I don’t want him to know about that I’ve been doing. There’s a lot of feelings that I don’t want him to know.

He admitted during that conversation that he was part of the problem in our relationship so that’s a fucking start. But he still cannot just open up to me. He still can’t ask me about my life without being pushed to ask.

My life is miserable, I put on a happy face, I put on that I’m enjoying my time and my life. But it sucks. I am not happy. I am not enjoying this life right now. Some days I just want to never talk to another human again. Some days I just want to not be here on this place.

All I want in my life is a partner a lover, someone to be happy with. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. Someone to share my days with, to sit and do nothing with. To dream about the future with. Someone who I can cuddle all night, someone who I can hold hands with in the car. Someone who can be open and honest with me about their feelings, their wants. Someone _I_ can be open and honest with and not feel that they will run away from me.

He was that person who did those things for me. He DID make me happy. I loved to do things for him, I loved every moment together. All I ever wanted was to be CLOSER to him. To SHARE more with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want this to end, I wanted it to be happy ever after.

I told him last night. he can call me any time. we can hang out, we can do things, we can go to the gym. He said yeah, I know. He said I can call him. But I dunno, I want him to put in that effort. I want him to reach out, I want him to say “let’s do something”.

I SEE how he is with James, with Eric, with Serge. I SEE that person that he really is inside there, the way he was when we FIRST started dating. That was the Charles I fell in love with. THAT was the Charles I wanted all along.. I just want him to treat me the same way again. I just want him to TALK to me the way he talks to them. I just want to go out and laugh and have fun with him again. I just want him to admit he loves me, misses me.

All I do is get over you
And I’m still so bad at it
I let myself want you
I let myself try
I let myself fall back into your eyes
I let myself want you
I let myself hope
I let myself feel things I know that you don’t
You’re not mine anymore
But I’m still a little bit yours
Maybe if I’d said the right things
It never would’ve gone this way
But maybe that’s the problem
‘Cause I still kinda think it was up to me
When I never could’ve made you stay

Thanksgiving Death Valley

So things have been going ok. Going out with people, spending nights alone, thinking about life and what I want.

A few weeks ago Francis came over to my place and we did an ice skating date. Something I always told my Ex I wanted to do, but we never did. It was hella fun. We skated for about an hour and I didn’t fall down once. At one point Francis fell on his ass and I managed to get it all on video. We replayed it at dinner and I laughed so hard. Came back to my place and made out and jerked off and it just felt weird AF. It didn’t feel right. Things were awkward and I dunno, more about this later…

Went to Death Valley for Thanksgiving. It was both good and annoying AF. Got there Wed night and just setup my tent and went to bed. I was exhausted. Woke up Thursday morning and met all of Sean’s family and people. When I originally agreed to this trip, the plan was that everyone would cook some dish and we would have a full on thanksgiving meal while camping. This was exciting for me. But then somehow it changed and everyone was just doing their own thing. Ok, I guess that’s fine but let’s at least sit down together and eat.. Well Sean’s family wanted to eat at 2pm and Hut and Sean didn’t want to eat that early. So the three of us went off and did our own thing during the day, then got back and we had steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner, alone. I wasn’t happy about this shit.

That night the wind was CRAZY bad that at one point my rain fly flew away. I slept in the truck. I am mostly over tent camping. I don’t think I can do this any more. It was also very cold there. So I got a hotel for the rest of the trip.

Friday, Hut and I went and did canyoneering all day. We were gone for 9+ hours. Did tons of hiking. Got hella lost, rappelling down 8 ancient water falls. It was exhausting. When we left, we asked Sean to get the grill put together so that we could have dinner right when we get back. We got back and Sean was sitting in the chair doing nothing, no grill assembled, no food ready, nothing. I was pissed. He made hut cook dinner for us that night while he just sat in the fucking chair. I was livid and just excused myself after dinner to go to bed.

Saturday we went into the park and just explored and then got pizza after. At one point Sean was bitching about EVERYONE on the road. Like this is a fucking park, people on are vacation, they are going slow to see the sights, take pictures, etc. People make wrong turns, people fuck up. just chill the fuck out. You don’t need to comment about EVERYTHING. I kinda pushed back at one point and yelled at him cause he was BITCHING about these people trying to parallel park. Just CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Sunday I got up and drove to Modesto to see Francis. He had planned an axe throwing (another thing I had told my ex I wanted to do!). It was tons of fun, but I sucked at first. Once I go the hang of it, I was pretty good 😉

After both of our dates, he has mailed me a thank you card with writing about how he enjoyed it so much and blah blah blah. He will also randomly text me things like “What are you thinking about right now” or “If you could change anything in your past, what would it be”. And it just feels like forced communication. It just feels weird. I really enjoy our time together but there’s just no sexual spark and then things like this where it feels forced. It’s just.. I dunno. Doesn’t feel right.

He’s coming over this Saturday night and we’re hanging out Sunday. I will see how it goes but if it still feels forced and there’s no sexual spark then I’m just going to end it and say “We are just friends”.

Over Thanksgiving I was also texting my mom, she was pretty upset that it was just them and no family stuff. Come to find out apparently my dad is now banned from family things because he kept calling my trans nephew a “She”. IE using the wrong pronouns. And that pissed off my aunt so now we aren’t family any more. I just am so annoyed by this shit. Like I guess I won’t ever see family again. I guess I don’t really have a family.

Also speaking of family and what not. I texted Gwen on thanksgiving just saying “happy thanksgiving” she replied with “happy thanksgiving cousin, we miss you”… I kinda question if she even knew who was texting her. But I’m assuming she did and It made me sad. Sad she called me “cousin”, sad she said “we miss you”. I replied back with “Miss you guys too”. My Ex’s family, made me feel more like family then my own did. My own family didn’t reply to thanksgiving messages.

Tuesday I went out with Matty. He’s such an amazing sweet guy. So cute and so smart. The more we hang out the more I like him, but the more I know we would never have been a match. It’s such a weird place, feeling to be in the gay community when you care about someone and can see all those amazing positive things but yet you know it won’t work. You know there’s one or two major things that just won’t click. It makes you question, are you being too picky, are you being too rigid in what you want or are looking for. Like with francis or Matty, or even my ex. What should you just overlook and what should you just accept. With Matty, he’s a city boy. he’s not an outdoorsy boy. But could I date a city boy, could we compromise and figure it out? Would he be willing to do enough outdoors stuff to make me happy and I enough city stuff to make him happy? Who knows. Do we try?

Work… SUCKS. I got the list of people who are being terminated (laid off) in December. And it’s a doozy. I wish I could go back to my boss and be like, “can you take TWO of these people off the list and just fire me instead.” Two of these people will be devastated and I feel like crap that they are being terminated. I’m honestly kinda hoping that I will be on the list anyway and they just removed my name before they sent it to me.

This is a long enough post. See ya later.

No Title…

Two years ago today:

I still am down about all that honestly. I know I said I won’t write more about him but, I still miss him. I still think about him every day. I still want to see his face popup with a random phone call just to chat. I still think about all those times and everything that happened between us. How it felt so perfect, how it felt things were finally moving forward an then in 24 hours, it all changed.

And I still feel that way. He’s put me through so much emotional pain. So much grief, so much sadness, so much heartbreak.

I just went grocery shopping and started to cry in the store. It’s been two months since we moved out. Probably 2.5 since we went grocery shopping together last. Yet he still impacts me in the smallest weirdest ways sometimes.

I still have a small hope every day that he will popup and say “Hey”. Or he will see a story I post and reply to it. Like he did two years ago when I went out with Cody and he said “TFTI”. On the other hand, I finally removed his access to my electronic door lock, locking him out of my life.

I’m trying to focus on making more friends but these friends keep pushing my boundaries. Tennis buddy and Gym buddy both text me shit like “I miss you”. Gym buddy keeps sending me stuff where I think he’s just trying to make me jealous about guys he’s meeting up with. Tennis buddy and I kinda had a fight last night cause he kept pushing the “miss you” thing. He flat out asked me if I missed him and I said no. Like I don’t miss you. We play tennis once a week, we don’t chat in between. What exactly is there to miss, we barely know each other. I’ve been clear from the start that I just want to play tennis. I just want to be friends.

Am I cold hearted because I don’t “miss” them after not seeing them a few days? I don’t think so. I don’t miss my parents, I don’t miss other friends whom I’ve known for 10+ years (Sean, Mike, Hut, etc) or people I know. Who DO I miss? My grandma, Calvin, Charles, Astra.

Portland, San Diego and Boys.

So since PV, I also went to Portland. It ended up being a hella fun trip but I was sick the whole time. This random guy from grindr came with me and we had a lot of fun. Just walked around the city, met some other randoms. Did an escape room, ate lots of stuff. He’s a nice guy but a little too fem for me and also I didn’t like how I was just his personal photographer the whole trip. I did manage to get some good pics out of it though!

It kinda annoys me how Charles is clearly looking at all my pics on instagram but refusing to interact with them at all. Whatever. I did have kind of a melt down the other day cause some random ass guy in instagram was messaging me about “how hot” Charles was and how he’s been hitting him up. And then at the same time James messaged me something about how Charles was complaining about guys keep falling in love with him but all he wants to do is “have fun”. AND at the same time I sitting having beer with Hugo and he was telling me about Jim and Charles and blah blah blah. I really don’t need to know this stuff right now. I’m still in love with him, I’m moving past it, but it still hurts. I don’t want to know that he’s out there fucking other guys, going on dates. etc. I need to call Charles to ask him to watch astra and I’m afraid of his response being something like “oh, I can’t cause I’m going to LA” or something. Which is totally made up in my head and crazy. But who knows what he will say.

I had a dream about him last night that he finally wrote me the “letter”, but in the dream I kept getting distracted and couldn’t read it.

I still think about our entire relationship and it pisses me off so much how he treated me. How he didn’t want to interact with me a lot of the time, how he forgot my birthday and other things I planned for him. But yet, he seems perfectly capable of making these random ass guys on grindr fall in love with him. He’s perfectly capable of being a sweet caring guy to these RANDOM people, but not to the guy he supposedly LOVED so much that he said he wanted to marry me. I know he doesn’t show any emotion to people outside but I sometimes hope that he sits at home and cries still, thinking about what he lost in me. Thinking about what he could have had with me. Thinking about all the nice things I did for him and regretting how he treated me. I still want him to text me, “I miss you”; “I love you”. Something. I want him to show some emotion and caring to me. But I know I’ll probably never get it. I also kinda feel like Jay and James are starting to put a little distance between me and them. Maybe it’s just mental and it’s just that they are busy or the natural flow of things. Jay mentioned inviting me to the gingerbread house making this year, but I am getting the feeling that I won’t be. Which might be for the best, I don’t know how to handle being around Charles right now. As much as I want to be, as much as I want to see him. It will just be a let down, because he hasn’t changed, he doesn’t care. He still won’t ask me how I am, or what I’ve been up too.

It’s time to accept that there’s no future with him. That he’s already had his two chances and he’s broken my heart twice already. There’s no way I should give it to him again, to only be broken again. It’s time to fully let him go. To fully move on.

I also though think about over the past two years and the negativity that Jason brought to me. He kept saying shit like “Sept 18th”; “why are you wasting your time”; and other stuff. Making me question Charles, putting doubts in my head bout him. I question what was Jason’s motivation, why was he doing this. Does he just not want to see me happy, does he just want to be negative. And now both Jason and Charles are gone out of my life.

When I was in PV, glenn gave me a rug to give to one of this friends. He and I met at club 1220 the other night and it was a random Drag trivia night. Ended up super fun and now I have a second date with the guy. He’s VERY cute, super nice and hilarious.

I’m in San Diego now and honestly I don’t know if I can keep up with Sean and his negativity any more. Like it’s just incredibly frustrating how EVERYWHERE we go he’s complaining about everything, making negative remarks. etc. Like look and be happy for once. And all they do is sit around and watch MSNBC. I tried to get them to do some stuff yesterday and they didn’t want too. We went out to Chinese food and it was a whole discussion to convince them to eat there because they didn’t want to “deal with parking”. WTF just park. It’s not that big of a deal.

I have been talking to this guy in Modesto for a few weeks now. He calls me every morning and night to talk, we text during the day, we seem to have really hit it off so far. I am going to spend the night with him on my way back from San Diego. I hope we hit it off in person the way it’s been online/phone so far.

I have to keep reminding myself, there’s guys out there who want me. That I’m a great guy, I’m lovable, that I’m wanted, that I’m exciting. That I’m fun. There’s guys pursuing me, wanting to be with me that I am also rejecting. But there’s guys I’m also interested in and happy to be around. That I want to spend more time with them and get to know them better.

I am worthy of love and I deserve it. I deserve to be loved, to be treated right, to be called and talked with, to have conversations, to ask how my day is, to CARE about me. I am worth it. I am.