Chris' Site

I don’t know my own feelings right now. I honestly just randomly break out crying.

I did a little update video the other day and I had to do 3 takes just to get one that was half decent and even that one, I started bawling at the end.

Am I sad? Why am I sad?
Am I scared? What am I scared about?
Is it joy? Then why am I crying?

I just have no fucking clue what is going on with me right now. I’m sad this is coming to an end, but then I also say I cannot wait for it to end. I’m sad because my parents are selling our house, I’m sad cause I miss my grandparents. I’m sad because I’m single and lonely

I’m scared because of the unknown, What’s next? What does this trip have in store for us. I’m scared cause I don’t want another terrifying crossing. I’m scared cause I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I am doing next.

I’m feeling joy because of the amazing thing I’ve seen. I cannot believe the expereicen I’ve had over the past two years. I feel joy because of the amazing friend who came to visit me and supported me. I feel joy because I’ve accomplished something so amazing.

I feel lonely.

I feel powerless.

I feel helpless.

I’m excited and sad as fuck to go back to the USA. I can’t wait for this to end, but I don’t want it to end.

In less then 10 days (I hope). I’ll be back on a dock in annapolis. I’ll be packing the boat up for the last time (I hope). I’ll be driving across country, back to Iowa. To see my family and my dog. But I’m still crushed and sad that I won’t be excited to get back there to lalo.

And then what, will the boat sell? Will I be done with it, or will there be more to come? Where do I go? What do I do?

How do I even start another chapter in life now.

I mean seriously. If that wasn’t a good candidate for a long term, what is? From the start, things were great. He texted me, he was kind, he cared about my day. Sure there were some small things that weren’t perfect. But overall things were amazing. I was happy, I felt secure in what we had and what we were working towards.

his good mornings, his good nights were consistent. His “how was your day?”, his actual interest in hearing about it.

Then suddenly, I’m the one demanding he text apparently? I never once pushed him to text me, never once gave him shit or complained if he didn’t.

and then gone. “time to move on”.

Everything I felt, invalidated.
My hopes for the summer, shattered.
Daily happiness, disappeared.

IF this wasn’t what a good relationship was, then what is?

if this wasn’t meant to be something better. Where is it then?

I don’t get it.

Well…

He just sent me this: “I want to thank you for everything and all the experiences and memories we made together. It really means a lot to me. But I think it’s time for me to move on. I wish you all the best. Don’t give up on your dating app and all your goals, you have so much potential! Thank you once again.”

The past few days things have been cold. He stopped saying “love you”. Wasn’t texting as much. So yesterday I asked him what was up. He sent me this: “You know I’ve been busy. Sometimes I really don’t like feeling obligated to text all day. Especially when I got off work some days the last thing I want to do is chat after a long day. Like today all I wanted was to sleep????”

Then today I asked if we could have a call to talk about what’s going on. And he said I was being dramatic. and then I got the breakup text.

Wtf. how can he be so cold after everything I’ve done for him. After all the love and the time together.

I fucking hate this shit. Where is the person who’s goin to LOVE ME FULLY.

So, I’ve been busy writing a new grindr. Everyone’s always complaining about how terrible it is, with the ads, the constant bots, the insane high monthly fees. I wanted to create something better. Something more useful. Something that actually works. $0.99/month. $10/year. Cheap enough for nearly everyone to be able to afford it.

I spent tons of time planning, writing, etc.

Get ready to launch and Apple rejects, “saturated” market
Stripe rejects, “dating apps are against out TOC”
Microsoft Ad’s Rejects, “Violation of our TOC”

I’m giving up. No one is going to ditch grindr anyway, no matter how much better another app might be. They are too ingrained in our society. There are to many other “apps” that no one uses already anyway.

If you want, check it out before I delete it all: https://gettit.app/

So Lalo just left and I’m a bit torn about how I feel over the whole situation and past couple weeks. On one hand, I enjoyed his time. He’s cute, funny, caring, etc. But on the other hand there were a lot of little things that really bothered me.

First, he’s too fucking obsessed with TikTok. We go out to dinner and he sits there scrolling through TikTok non-stop. Most of the day, scrolling through TikTok, At night, scrolling through TikTok. It gets frustrating because you cannot talk to him or enjoy time with him because he’s just looking at TikTok.

Second, He made a lot of frustrating comments about my age. Like yesterday we were driving home and we had two other people in the car he said “This grandpa music is putting me to sleep”. Or while on the boat I usually go to bed and watch a movie/show around 8:30pm. He would make a comment about “grandpa forcing me to go to bed so early”. I’m not forcing you to do anything. You can stay up if you want.

Third, Sexually he is so boring. He only wants to have sex in missionary, he takes FOREVER to cum. And he doesn’t do anything to help me finish (or even seems to care if I finish). He won’t give BJ’s, or do anything besides just missionary sex.

Fourth, he just doesn’t want to enjoy things sometimes. Last night we went out to this food truck place and they had a live band. We sat and ate dinner in a spot far away from the band. Before we left I said “let’s go watch the band for 5 minutes”. He said “no, they are too loud”. And he just wanted to sit there and scroll TikTok.

Fifth, he seems a bit homophobic… We were walking around old town San Juan and we passed this bar that looked gay. I looked it up and sure enough it was a gay bar. I said “let’s go have one drink” and his reply was “FuuuuuccckKKKKKK NO!” followed by some derogatory comment about “faggots”. Also any time we would see other gays out and about he would say “look at those faggots”.

It’s just frustrating. On paper he seems great, smart, funny, texts back quickly, etc etc. But now after spending 2 weeks together like this. Just not right fit at all.

Ugh..