So, last night was gingerbread house night. Jay, James and Charles have this tradition where they make gingerbread houses every year. The first year Charles and I were together, he said It was “too soon” for me to meet his friends. The second year, Charles and James weren’t talking. This year, Jay had made a comment I would be invited, but then I wasn’t. Which honestly was fine. It’s their tradition, not mine. I’m not with Charles any more, so I don’t need to be there.
However, one of the things they were going to talk to him about that night was the four of us hanging out more before we go to this Austin trip in Feb. Well apparently they couldn’t figure out any time in December that would work, so around 4:30 Charles called me and said: “Jay is inviting you over”. I was torn as to what to say. I wanted to say no, “Sorry, I already have plans”. (Hugo and I were going to go to the bar). But I also finally wanted to see him again. I wasn’t sure what to do. But I had to make a decision so I said yes. That was probably the wrong thing to say.
I got ready and drove over there. On the way, Apple Music was playing the perfect play list. The last song I heard was “a little bit yours” by JP Saxe. The perfect song for that night.
When I arrived, it was already awk, Charles barely even acknowledged my entrance, not even bothering to get up from his gingerbread house until I came over to say hi to him. And that was basically how the night went. He was sharing funny shit on his phone with James, he was texting god knows who. But mostly just ignoring me.
I felt out of place, I felt like I shouldn’t’ have been there. I felt like Charles didn’t actually want me there and that Jay and James were really having to try hard to not make it awk AF. At one point, James even mentioned my blog in front of Charles which was a bit annoying. But I mean Derik did spill the beans to him about this early on in our relationships, so I guess it doesn’t matter. And who knows if he reads this or not. James made the comment that Charles said “how come he doesn’t’ send it to me”. Maybe I should send it to him.
At one point they were talking about how before I got there they were discussion what they all like sexually or something and jay said “yeah Charles loves rimming”. Not once during our relationship could I ever get him to talk to me about what he did or didn’t like in sex. Why can he open up to them, talk to them but not to the person he SAID he loved, that he SAID he wanted to marry. Why, why can he and I not have this same banter about things.
Anyway, we went for dinner, then some drinks. Charles barely talking to me. The same old shit as our relationship. The same fucking Charles, nothing has changed. And yet I want him so badly. I want him to love me, I want him to be in my life. I want to wake up next to him every day, I want to hold his hand. I want to see his smile.
We left around 11pm, Charles and I said our goodbyes outside. I couldn’t help myself. I was drunk, I was annoyed. So I let it out, I told him I miss him that I still love him. Etc etc etc. All the shit I know he doesn’t want to hear. At one point, I said to him “you have to admit you were an asshole in our relationship” and he started to storm off, I chased after him and we talked longer. But of course nothing productive.
The whole tennis thing came up again. Which is so frustration that he feels the way he does. He said I was “holding him back”. That’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to ENCOURAGE him to go play. I just wanted to be INVITED. I wanted to play with him too. I wanted to go enjoy that time together with something HE LOVED to do.
On the drive home. I called him. And I said “Can we just have a normal conversation about our lives”. Can we just reconnect. So we talked about normal things but I could tell he was still holding back a lot. I was too, there’s a lot I don’t want him to know about that I’ve been doing. There’s a lot of feelings that I don’t want him to know.
He admitted during that conversation that he was part of the problem in our relationship so that’s a fucking start. But he still cannot just open up to me. He still can’t ask me about my life without being pushed to ask.
My life is miserable, I put on a happy face, I put on that I’m enjoying my time and my life. But it sucks. I am not happy. I am not enjoying this life right now. Some days I just want to never talk to another human again. Some days I just want to not be here on this place.
All I want in my life is a partner a lover, someone to be happy with. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. Someone to share my days with, to sit and do nothing with. To dream about the future with. Someone who I can cuddle all night, someone who I can hold hands with in the car. Someone who can be open and honest with me about their feelings, their wants. Someone _I_ can be open and honest with and not feel that they will run away from me.
He was that person who did those things for me. He DID make me happy. I loved to do things for him, I loved every moment together. All I ever wanted was to be CLOSER to him. To SHARE more with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want this to end, I wanted it to be happy ever after.
I told him last night. he can call me any time. we can hang out, we can do things, we can go to the gym. He said yeah, I know. He said I can call him. But I dunno, I want him to put in that effort. I want him to reach out, I want him to say “let’s do something”.
I SEE how he is with James, with Eric, with Serge. I SEE that person that he really is inside there, the way he was when we FIRST started dating. That was the Charles I fell in love with. THAT was the Charles I wanted all along.. I just want him to treat me the same way again. I just want him to TALK to me the way he talks to them. I just want to go out and laugh and have fun with him again. I just want him to admit he loves me, misses me.
All I do is get over you
And I’m still so bad at it
I let myself want you
I let myself try
I let myself fall back into your eyes
I let myself want you
I let myself hope
I let myself feel things I know that you don’t
You’re not mine anymore
But I’m still a little bit yours
Maybe if I’d said the right things
It never would’ve gone this way
But maybe that’s the problem
‘Cause I still kinda think it was up to me
When I never could’ve made you stay