Lots to say, but I don’t really have the right words to say it all…
Went backpacking last weekend with Hut. It was a fucking killer trip. So much elevation gain, then loss, then gain, then DROPS. I have decided that I am no longer enjoying backpacking though. Maybe 2-3 days max but we were supposed to do 5 and after the 3rd day, I just wanted out. I wanted a shower, I wanted my bed.
Backpacking gives you a lot of time to think about things through and of course you know the one big thing that was on my mind. I kept wishing/hoping that I would return to a text from him but the smart side of my brain said “don’t be an idiot, he will never reach out to you”. Which I know he won’t. I shoved the door closed, locked it and barricaded it. But you know. I just want HIM to say “I miss you”.
My therapist gave me this homework. “Name the thought that you are having. “I am having a thought of (wanting to do something, etc.)…” It’s not an action, but action urge.”. But I feel I am doing it wrong. You know the problem is that my mind when idle just repeats over and over again. If I have a song stuck in my head, it repeats. When I am thinking about a person it repeats. OVER and OVER and OVER. “I am having a through of wanting to send him a letter”; “I am having a thought of sending him a present”; “I am having a thought of posting something on instagram about him”…. But how does that HELP me get better. Last night he posted a video to instagram of him out hiking. It made me crash and feel like shit. “I am having a thought of not being active enough” – He was out having a nice hike on a monday afternoon. I was sitting at home doing nothing. Who was he with, what was he thinking. Etc etc.
I came back from the trip, 4 days of no cell service to a good number of messages. Two guys said “I miss you”. Both of them completely unavailable to me, so while I am happy they miss me and I missed them too. It doesn’t help because we can’t be together or have a relationship. Guys always want what they can’t have. These guys who live no where close to me seem to want me, but no one who’s HERE seems to want me.
Derik has been staying with me for the past month. I feel like he wants more out of me but he just wants the physical aspect of it. Not a relationship. I reject his actions because I cannot be a FWB type situation. I garner feelings too easily and I don’t want to be heartbroken again. He is just replacing his Austin boy with me, IMHO and I don’t want to just be a replacement or place holder.
This past Sunday I met up with Wings for dinner. That was very interesting. I haven’t seen him in person since I kicked him out of my house. I honestly forgot 90% of what happened back then but he refreshed my memory. It was good to see him but again I’m not really sure the point of meeting up with him or what we will become if we will be friends or not. Honestly, I think it was more just for his own satisfaction and closure.
Getting back to work has been rough too, I am just so not motivated because this project I am working on is not getting anywhere. We are getting close to our first pilot and nothing is ready. People are just not taking it serious enough and not investing the time. I keep pushing and pushing it but no one listens.
The properties are coming close to closing. Should be closed by mid-July. I am super scared but also excited for it. I got my first big bill already for $35,000 for insurance alone 🙁
About two weeks ago Jason was in town for a wedding. He stopped over at my house to pick up a pillow he had left last time he was here. Ever since then, he’s been acting super funny. Like normally we would text day in and day out. Now we go days without messaging. Honestly, I’m sort of fine with it. I think that our friendship has played itself out and we’re coming to and end of what we were meant to be/do together. We have a trip planned for later this month. So we will see what happens with that.