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My Life

You’re Trash

Dating sucks…. Went on that date with Paolo and we had scheduled a second date for Sunday to go hiking. He ghosted me, until last night. I get a text message from him saying “You could have told me you were HIV+” . I replied to him that it was in my profile, he said something like “I might not have read your whole profile, you can’t hold that against me”. WTF. _YOU_ can’t hold it against ME! Not my fault you didn’t read and understand what you were getting into. He then went on to call me “trash” multiple times for not disclosing to him and for not being more apologetic about it. Asshole.

Honestly, fuck him. I am amazing. I am the most caring person in the world, I am smart, adventurous, have a nice job, a cute dog. I will do anything for the person I love. So fuck him.

I send a screenshot to Charles and we started talking a bit. He said “I hope all is well else wise”. I replied “Well, I’m still mending a broken heart”. He replied “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either”. or something like that. I told him to call me if he needs to talk. I really want to know what’s up with that. He should be happy. He got what he wanted, he got Eric. I wonder what is up.

This past weekend was amazing though, minus the trash guy. Friday night we met up with Pastor Mark, went to first Fridays and then he invited me to some house party. The party was great but I got WAY too drunk and ended up puking once I got home. There was this SUPER cutie named Cody there. But drunk ass me failed to get his phone number. Mark gave Cody his number, but Cody hasn’t texted him yet. 🙁 a missed connection.

Saturday I was super hung over and was supposed to go biking but ended up just lounging around the house all morning. Went out on a date with sailing mark that evening and it was good. We saw My Fair Lady which honestly I slept through the entire second half.

Mark is really cute, very sweet and a great guy but I am just not feeling that “spark”. We had sex a few nights ago and it was nice, but not that great. When I see him, I don’t want to just make out with him and hold him, the way I did with Charles. I don’t have that want to text him or be with him constantly. But maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe this is what a comfortable relationship is. I’m not sure. I also don’t like how much he does weed/drinks. But he’s young and that’s what young guys do.

Calvin messaged me a couple weeks ago about coming to visit in December. I was honestly really excited for it, to see him again in person after 5 years. See if we can be closer friends and maybe start hanging out again. I miss him every day in my life and I really wanted to see if we could finally reconnect on more then just a random text level. He messaged me yesterday that it wasn’t going to work out. I am pretty sad about that. I was really looking forward to seeing him in person again.

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My Life

Why are you single?

I posted a thirst trap on insta today. You know many of the standard replies of “oh you’re so hot” blah blah blah. A couple guys with the “why are you single?!”

Jesus. I wish I knew, maybe they can tell me? I wish someone would fucking tell me? Why do I keep getting dumped, why do I keep getting passed up?

This one guy (Mark, I have WAY too many Marks in my life!) he and I went on a few dates pre-pandemic. he’s filipino, nurse, HIV+, super cute, into travel, etc. I was really into him back then but he clearly wasn’t into me at all. So we fell apart and don’t really talk any more. He was one of the guys who messaged me about “oh you’re so hot” and we started chatting and he was like “hopefully 2022 will bring you your guy” and then he said something about “I’m just waiting to snag the right guy”. I wanted to be like, well what was wrong with ME!? Why did you reject me?

I’ve been on a few dates since Charles dumped me. Every time I am just comparing them to him. Every day I just think about him, wishing he would text me. When I wake up, he’s still the first thing on my mind. I’ve noticed he’s been posting a lot of stories on insta lately, but I’m using all my will power to not look at them.

I picked back up with Mark and he and I have hung out a few times but honestly I don’t see it going anywhere. I enjoy his company but he’s just not that interesting to me.

Went out with this guy Jaime twice now, he’s ok. Cute Viet guy, poz, mostly bttm, into the outdoors, hiking, but has some major personal issues he’s trying to overcome. We will see if anything else comes of it.

Had a hiking date with this guy Hugo, he complained that the 2.5 mile hike we went on was too exhausting.

Met this cutie Paolo, we are gonna have a second date Sunday.

Met up with Pastor Mark last night. He’s so sweet and kind, he dropped off cookies and we ended up chatting for an hour. It was a really great chat. If only I could find someone like him who’s SINGLE.

Maybe I’m just being too picky. My therapist said I needed someone to set the bar for where I’m happy and content. Charles did that but I feel he set the bar high. It’s going to be tough for someone else to fill that.

Derik says I need to go for more dom guys. I mostly agree with that, but good luck finding me a Dom asian guy who is into me. Rav was the closest I came to that and he also passed me up.

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My Life

One last post about him

I just cannot get him off my mind. This always happens anytime I am dumped. I always hyper focus on them and can’t get past it. This has to be the last post, the move on point. It’s been almost two weeks. He hasn’t reached out, he hasn’t replied to any of my instagram stories, he hasn’t called. He never will again.

I was getting past it, I was moving on and then yesterday our cycling group rode right past his house. It of course brought up so much in my mind. Is he home, is Eric there with him. etc etc.

I think about him constantly, I saw the red flags though, why didn’t I listen. He told me about 3 or 4 guys in the past couple years who have fallen in love with him and he broke their hearts. When he and I first started hanging out there was this guy that would call him constantly, text him non-stop. Charles had just broken that guys heart. Now he was onto mine. I should have listened to myself, those jokes I made, they were true. Not just jokes I guess. I was really hoping that this one would actually last, that something would finally stick to me.

Was there ever a chance for us? I’ve told the story to a couple people and they all say he’s an asshole, he knew what he was doing. They said he was using me to make Eric jealous. So that Eric would dump his bf and then they could be together. I don’t believe it. I believe Charles had feelings, I believe he cared about me. Did he shed any tears over the past 1.5 weeks for me? Does he think about me at all? Do I cross his mind and he wonders if I will text him?

What I can’t get over is just how quickly it changed. How Monday night we hung out, we had plans for the rest of the week. How he texted me Tuesday morning “do you want to carve pumpkins later this week”. Then Wed, it was all over. Everything was gone.

I wish he would message me “Hiiiii” again. I wish I could feel his arms around me. I wish he would reply to an instagram story and we could talk again. I wish he would just show up at my front door, saying he cares about me.

I question myself all the time, did I not move fast enough for him. Did he just settle for Eric because he wanted a relationship and I wasn’t moving fast enough for him to get there. Did he have self doubts about “Is Chris too goood for me”; “Will chris just dump me for the next best thing”. Cause I can tell you that’s not who I am. That’s not what I was looking for. I remember early on in our “dating” that he asked me when my last date was. It was the day before, I had taken Mark sailing. I told him, because of course I am honest. But that was the last date I ever went on when I was dating Charles. I saw in his eyes that it hurt him to hear that. So I stopped going on dates. I didn’t want to hurt him at all.

That weekend in Fort Bragg, I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend. It had been one month of us hanging out, of us seeing each other nearly every day. But I didn’t want to move “too fast”. Is one month too fast? I honestly have no idea.

I should have seen it all though. I should have stepped back. There were multiple red flags. At the wedding, he texted me ‘I wish you were here’. But then he invite Eric instead. He went to that comedy show, had an extra ticket. He invited Eric instead. He was planning a halloween party at his house, he invited Eric instead. Him and Eric were already planning a road trip together for Thanksgiving. Eric was always #1 from the first day I met him. I should have seen it. I should have never gotten as close as I did to Charles.

But yet, I still just want him to call me. I want to see his face pop up on my phone, hear his voice, smell his body, see his smile again. I wake up and the first thing I think it “Maybe he messaged me something overnight”. I look at my phone and I’m disappointed every day. I know he will never text me. I know he will never again reach out. I told him I needed space. He’s going to give me space. But I want to just fight for him. But that looks desperate.

I wish him the best life. I want him to be happy. But I also just want my happy ending. I want to be the one that ends up with the guy at the end of the movie. But instead, I’m in the never ending movie of just getting dumped and let down.

It makes me go back to people like Glenn, again did I just not move fast enough. We were going well before Christmas. I left, I come back and suddenly he’s dating someone else. They are still together. Same with Ranie and who knows who else.

I watched this YouTube the other day about this couple that had just completed a 4 year circumnavigation of the globe. They were doing a Q&A and one of the questions was “What’s the best thing about sailing around the globe” and their reply was “The amount of time you get to spend with your partner alone”. That’s so fucking cute. That after 4 years living together on a tiny boat. Spending 20 or 30 days at a time on the open sea with just the two of them, they still love each other and care about each other so much that the best thing about it was the TIME they got together. I just want to find that guy. That guy that wants to spend that much time with me.

I was excited about Charles because he was wanting to spend so much time with me. He even sent me his schedule that week and I said “wow this is a great schedule” an he said: “I have to consider you now”. That’s so fucking sweet. He MADE his work schedule purposely so that he could have more time to spend with me. And then suddenly it was all over.

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My Life

A new story

My therapist says I need a new life story…

I’ve worked so hard to achieve everything that I have, we talked about pillars of life. I have every pillar in life. I have a good job, healthy income, I’m cute, smart, funny (ish), adventurous, sweet, kind. Etc etc. The only thing I’m missing is a partner to do life with. I’m so hyper focused on this one pillar, the one thing that I cannot fully control. I put so much of my effort and energy into this.

We talked about my family, how no one ever says “I love you”.

Blah blah blah. I started this with plans to write a lot (at 8am), it’s now 5pm and I haven’t had time to write anything and now I have to get going. Maybe an update tomorrow.

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My Life

The “What If’s”

My mind just keeps going back over and over. The What ifs..

What if – He didn’t ghost me for that month
What if – I wasn’t Poz
What if – On Saturday I had said “Let’s be boyfriends”
What if – On Monday I spent the night
What if – On Wednesday I said “Let’s meet in person”
What if – I had fought for him more
What if – I brought him more gifts

It had only really been a month, but a month of seeing each other nearly every day. A month of texting and calling. I month with a trip together. A month with him starting to talk about further out future things. A month in which he said: “I know we’ll still be talking in March”.

With Army and Suresh, I was sad when things ended there. But they were 100% one way, they were never interested in me and I was just pushing it along, up hill. With Charles things flowed, he called me, he texted me. He started things. Things went both ways, I was getting attached to him. I was starting to get feelings for him and now it’s back to square one. Back to swiping, back to boring endless conversations about “what do you do for work”. Back to not having anything to look forward to during the day.

With Charles, I always looked forward to his face popping up on my phone, him calling me on his way home from work. I hate talking on the phone. With him, I looked forward to it.

I know this was all beyond my control, I know I could never compete with Eric. But I just wish something more could have happened. I wish Charles would call me and say ‘I screwed up, Eric and I are better as just friends. I care about you more’.

Since Friday I’ve just been randomly breaking down crying. I hate this feeling, I hate that I get so attached so quickly. But it’s just that when I make a connection, I make a strong connection.

I know I’ll get over it, I know I’ll be fine. I know I’m a strong man. I know I’m an amazing catch of a husband. But I’m still sad, I’m still sick of the rejections. I’m still sad that after all the trying after everything I’ve done. I can’t get anyone to love me for me. I can’t get anyone to reciprocate those feelings I have.

In other news…

I texted Darin, we last spoke in June 2020: “Darin, I know it’s been a while since we talked and we didn’t depart on very friendly terms. I just wanted to apologize and say I’m sorry for the way I treated you the last few times we hung out. I didn’t treat you with the love and respect that I have for you. I’ve cared about you as a great friend all these years and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Hope all is well with you. With love, Chris. ”

His reply: “I appreciate the message. The way you behaved the last two times we hung out were unacceptable and I’m glad that we had some distance. I hope you’ve sorted out some things since then.”

So clearly he’s not ready to move on or mend bridges. I was falling for him back then, AGAIN, and I was very mean to him. It was the only way I could protect myself at the time.

I reached out to this guy James. Gym Husband had introduced me to him a while ago but we never met because he lives in San Jose and I was in Vallejo, he was one of the many people who said “too far”. So I told him I’m in oakland now and asked if he would be up for meeting. His reply: “Maybe”. WTF is maybe.

I’m also feeling pretty down about “friends”. I have these friends Mark, Brian, Jonathan, Mike, etc. These are people that I hang out with relatively frequently. I always think we have fun when we hang out. These are all “friends” not your typical gay “we’re friends but we fucked previously”. But what frustrates me is that I am always the one who initiates the hang out. They are always out doing stuff but I never get the invite. I don’t understand why.

Derik and I were out at dinner this weekend and this gay couple came in and sat at the table next to us. It was clearly a first date/meeting cause they started out asking “So what do you do for work” type questions. Then they progressed to workout questions and one guy asked “how many pull ups can you do”. He said he could only do 10. Then they started talking about how often they vacuum their apartments. Is this really what dating is about. Ugh.