Chris' Site

So, today marks 10 years since I found out I was HIV+. It’s a sad day and I’ve been super depressed over many things recently. I don’t know what to do today to try and make it better. I wish I had friends around here who could hang out more frequently.

Suresh and I went to the movies Friday night, it was a good time (once it happened, I won’t go into the annoying details about that) and then we did a hike Saturday.

Both were amazing, I really care about this boy and he’s so sweet and great. IE at the movie theater, I was getting our tickets and he went to get drinks. He got me a Moscow mule without having to ask. Cause he remembers what I like to drink. Not many guys are like that at all.

On the drive back from the hike we had a long talk about things. He said he has feelings for this other guy, that this guy makes him feel safe and comfortable. The other guy has mental health issues so they haven’t seen each other in a while. I asked why he has feelings for that guy and not for me. He said, “you’re too adventurous for me.” That we had talked about our future plans and they don’t mesh with what he wants. I told him, I don’t care what I do. I just want someone to share my life and time with. I cried a little bit during the talk and when we got back we gave each other a nice big, tight hug and he left. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. But at least for now I have a bit of closure, even though I am still upset by it all. Of course my crazy brain keeps going back and thinking, what if I had replied to him the FIRST time he messaged me. 3 or for months before I finally replied, maybe then _I_ would be the one who he had feelings for because this other guy wouldn’t have been in the picture. Or maybe if I had expressed my feelings for him soon instead of trying to hide them and take things slowly to not scare him away. Or what if… you know who knows what I could have done, if anything to make it a different outcome. I just wish he and I could be enjoying this holiday weekend together. We could have gone camping or just hung out and cuddled and kissed all day.

I invited my friend mark over after Suresh left. He’s a pastor and someone I haven’t seen since start of Covid. He’s always very comforting and nice to talk to him. We had a good chat and I cried a bit more. But I am getting so tired of guys saying things like “you’re such a great catch, you’re a great guy blah blah blah” and yet NO ONE seems to actually want to date me. I wish that someone would be honest and say: “Chris, you need to do X or Y” differently.

Maybe I need to be less adventurous, maybe I just need to be more OK with sitting at home? But being single and lonely. I CANNOT just sit at home. It makes me even more depressed. If I had a husband/bf, I’d totally be fine staying home with him and just enjoying our time together.

I sure hope that at my 20 year anniversary that by then I have a husband, I have someone to share my life with. Etc etc.

This past weekend was just super amazing. My life used to be like this every weekend when I lived in LA. Always out doing things, having a good time with friends. I miss it so much and when it was over. The fall was hard to the bottom. I was super depressed after it was done.

Mike came up from LA on Friday and we went for a quick hike with the puppies, then drinks in Benicia, dinner and back home to just chill and go to bed. It’s funny how similar we are in our habits.

Saturday we got up and headed up to Napa. We did this amazing 45 mile bike ride through Wine country. We met up with Suresh and one of his friends in Calistoga (more on that in a minute) for lunch. After lunch we headed off to some wineries and had a great time. Got back to Yountville around 5pm and wanted to go to R&D Kitchen for dinner but the woman there was a TOTAL BITCH and wouldn’t let us in because we were in biking gear. Ended up going home, showering and then headed to Martinez for a quick bite and beer.

Ok, RE Suresh. He and I went hiking on Wed and he mentioned his friend was in town and they wanted to go wine tasting on Saturday and he had been looking around but couldn’t find any reservations. So I invited him to come along with us. Well we are sitting there at lunch and it sort of came up that they had instead decided to just go to the city. So He DROVE all the way from Vallejo to Calistoga just to have lunch with us then was going to drive to the city. That seems so weird. I told him they were welcome to come join us at the wineries and they came to the first one but headed out to go to the cit after. Then sunday, apparently they went wine tasting somewhere else and I messaged him on Instagram saying something like “wish I was there today” and he replied “you should have come”, I said: “I wasn’t invited” and he said: “You could have invited yourself”. Which I find very strange. I would never invite myself somewhere, even if I was DATING HIM. And after the letter he sent, I’m still not 100% clear on what our relationship actually is. I really feel we need to sit down and have a chit-chat about what is what. I really do like him way more then I realized.

So back to the weekend. We woke up around 6am Sunday, took the dogs for a quick walk and then mike packed up and left for home. Honestly, after he left I was in a super depressed state for the rest of the day. I think that the biking just really got my juices flowing, It was super a fun and super amazing day with him and suresh and then just being home alone again just totally crushed me. There are three other contributing factors to my total crash yesterday.
1) I met up with this guy last week for drinks. I thought we had a fun time, we made out, did the whole “Let’s hang out again” thing. Then just completely ghosted me since then.
2) I’ve been chatting with this guy for weeks who lives in Sacramento. He’s cute, my age, seems to have similar interests as me, so I was looking forward to our first date. Yesterday we were talking and he asked “Why are you single still, you seem so great”. Too which I replied with my standard, “well, mostly because I’m HIV+ and there’s still tons of stigma around that” And since then he has COMPLETELY changed. We were supposed to have our first date tomorrow (tuesday) and I guarantee you he will ghost me now.
3) Mike himself. In the weeks leading up to his arrival for this past weekend he’s been VERY flirty via text. Sending me scandalous pics, talking about his dick, etc. He arrived here and like one of the FIRST DISCUSSIONS we had once he arrived was how his bf/husband/whatever would be so angry if he ever did anything and how they are monogamous and blah blah blah. I wasn’t really EXPECTING anything to happen. I’ve known mike for 10+ years at this point and we’ve never been sexual or anything but you know, if something DID happen I wouldn’t have stopped it.

He and I also spent a lot of time talking about the old days in LA and the climbing group, etc. It makes me wonder too like what if he and I had dated instead of him and his BF and me and Calvin. Maybe we’d be celebrating 10 years now. Who knows.

I dunno. I just feel like I’m never going to have what I want in life. I feel like even if I do retire in the next 5 years, what will I do with my days and my life at that point. No one seems to care about me the way I want, I don’t have a big group of friends who will do things with me or invite me to do things. I feel that if I do buy a boat or whatever, I’ll never have people who will go out with me to do things.

I just got back from a week in Iowa and it’s been a really interesting week back there. I went back to look at apartments buildings to buy. This Agent I was working with had put together a group of 5 properties and they seemed great on paper and in the pictures he sent me. This one place in Adel was a converted lumber yard and we did the inspection for that place first…. My god was it a MESS. I am 100% sure that I was high after we left that place. You could SMELL the meth in a few of the apartments. Honestly, it’s really depressing how some of these people live and super INTERESTING how other people live. Like you walk into some of these places and it’s just a camping chair and a blow up mattress in the living room but yet there would be two completely empty bed rooms. In other places, it would be a studio with three or four beds in one room and junk (clothes, toys, etc) EVERYWHERE. Just so strange. The other properties I saw were pretty good, we are moving along with it.

Yesterday I got a marketing email from the SAME AGENT with a GREAT building in Des Moines. I’m pretty pissed at him that he didn’t fucking even MENTION that to me when we were talking. I honestly feel like he’s trying to push me into these places. If I hadn’t already spent $13,000 on a fucking inspection I would dump them and make an offer on this place. But I feel like I am sort of stuck now that I’ve already spent so much fucking money.

The bigger thing is that while I was back I got to see both grandma’s and honestly it’s kind of sad how they are doing. Granted they are both nearly 90 so of course they are aging and going down hill. But Grandma S has lost SO MUCH weight and she’s having trouble remembering even the basic stuff. Like for instance we went over to her apartment and she has dog toys and dog bowls out. Her dog died like 15 years ago. Grandma B is doing great but she is selling her house and moving into assisted living or something. The bigger thing is just seeing how the family is helping both of them out and it makes me super scared for when _I_ get to be that age. Who the fuck is going to take care of me. Who is going to drive me 600 miles round trip to doctor appointments. Who is going to help me pack and sell my shit so that I can move into assisted living. Who is going to make sure I get to my doctor appointments and what not on time? Am I going to be having Astra’s toys and bowls out 30 years after she dies?

On the flight back to SF I got a message from Suresh. He asked when we could go hiking again together. I told him, “whenever, just let me know.” He said “How about Tuesday evening”. So I guess now he and I are going to go hiking tonight. We shall see how that goes. I am very nervous to be honest.

Well, this is a first. I’ve been dumped via a letter in the good old fashioned mail. Since the camping trip things have been off with Suresh and that’s what prompted my last post. Now this letter confirms it. He dumped me, saying he had feelings for someone else and wanted to see where those go. Why can no one ever pick ME and dump the other person. This is what I hate about dating around here, everyone is always going on multiple dates at a time looking for the next best thing.

Time to move on I guess. I mean he was super young, so I doubt anything would have ever worked out long term.

I fly back to Iowa tomorrow for a week, maybe that’ll help to clear things up.

Just the same thing keeps happening over and over again. Meet guy, think it’s going great, get ghosted. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s not a problem with me, but it clearly must be. I wish someone would just tell me what happens. Like can I go back to Vu and ask him, WTF? Can I go back to all the other boys and just do a questionnaire and ask wtf happened.
I’ve been hanging out with this guy Suresh for a month or two now. He would come over a couple times a week and hang out, have dinner, spend the night, cuddle, make out. I thought things were going well (again and again). Then I go camping for a weekend with Derik, I come home and he’s completely changed. Ignoring my texts, “forgetting” to reply. Like WTF.
I am just so over this. I do everything alone. I have no one here. Why even bother to keep trying anything any more. If I don’t REACH out to people, no one ever reaches out to me to do anything. For instance, REX was up in Napa a few weeks ago. Drove right through Vallejo, and not even a PEEP. I just hate this shit.