My Life

What could have been…

Wow, so this past weekend I had to make an emergency run up to Seattle to rescue a trailer. Since Jason and I had a falling out, I wasn’t going to hang out with him so I made a last minute reach out to someone I met way back in 2009. We’ve had a few other run ins over the past years, most recently 2016 but he didn’t seem that interested in actually meeting up back then so I didn’t think he would actually meet this time.
Let me give you a little history. I went back and re-read all my posts from 09/2009-03/2010 when I could find references to him. Basically I met him on grindr while I was in Portland for a training session. We hung out and I was going to be in town for the weekend anyway, so I went to the coast and hung out with him for the weekend. Then we stayed in touch and he came down to LA three times and I went up to PDX once. Each time was great, we had lots of sex and based on my writings, we really enjoyed each other’s time.

On 09/2009 I wrote:
Alan’s a good guy, he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny. Why do good guys never live close to me? Ugh.
On 10/2009 I wrote:
Alan… Def falling for him, wish he lived closer. Great guy, great career goals, etc. Needs to stop smoking!
On 12/2009 I wrote:
In GOOD news. I am very very excited for Alan to come down next week. I am so falling for that boy! It makes me sad every time I am reminded that he doesn’t live anywhere close to me! 🙁
On 3/2010 I wrote:
Also, Alan is totally not having anything any more. I’m very sad. I told him I’d be in Washington and he’s basically making NO effort to come see me. It’s only like a 2 hour drive from him. Ugh.

Not really sure TBH what happened in there. In 12/2009 I got dumped a HUGE project in my lap and that really took a lot of my time/life. Maybe I ignored him or didn’t give him enough attention? I’m not really sure, I always just felt that the distance wasn’t working for either of us. At the time neither of us had money or the ability to really travel a lot to see each other.
We re-connected again in 2016. It was right after Calvin and I had broken up, I was living in Kennewick and happened to be in Portland for the weekend visiting Jason. I saw Alan on Grindr, we chatted but he was with people. He said I should visit him in Astoria, but for some reason I never took him up on that. We didn’t talk again until 2018 when I wished him a happy birthday. We exchanged the typical “hope you’re doing well” but he never replied to a question I posed to him about his wellness.

So that sort of gives you the entire back story of the two of us. This past week I messaged him out of the blue on Instagram and he agreed to meet up. I told him I would confirm once I got closer so on Friday night I messaged him that I was just across the boarder in WA and we could meet for breakfast and then I would head out. To be honest, I was expecting it to be SUPER awkward but it was like old times, we met up and he showed me his office and his apartment. Although this time we sadly skipped the fucking on his desk. We went off to breakfast and had a great chat during that and then we went back to his place and then took a 3hr walk, chatted the whole time, had Ice Cream and personally I really enjoyed the time together. Just as I wrote back in 2009, “he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny,” and he doesn’t smoke any more!
He had a birthday party to go to at 2pm and I needed to get back on the road so around 1pm we said our goodbyes and I left. I was honestly sad to leave him even though we had only been hanging out for a few hours. I Drove a ways down the coast and stopped on the beach, I was walking there and playing with astra and Texted him: “You should have just packed a bag and come with me” he replied: “I know right! It was good to see you. I’m glad you were able to stop in. Drive safe!”
Reading that now, it seems really cold… And since then, I’ve texted him a few times and he’s giving me the 24hr rule. He only replies the next day and every reply has been super short.
He has just recently bought an airstream camper. I text him when I got home that we made it safe and it was good to see him. I also said for him to come down to CA, we can do a 2-week road trip and I’ll show you all my favorite places to go. He replied “Very nice. Glad you two made it home safe. It was really nice to catch up, I’m looking forward to heading down that way at some point.”
Just think, what could have been. What if back in 2010 we had been able to work it out, make it through the distance then. We could have been married by now, living together, doing whatever. Maybe I wouldn’t be HIV+. Maybe we’d have kids by now. Maybe we’d be living the life I dream of.
Between him and Calvin, I feel the best two people I’ve ever met have been lost from my life. He was only in my life for such a short time period back then but I feel/felt really close to him, like we’d be a good match.
I also feel that EVEN if we had made it work, I would have been a horrible BF, I would have done the same bad things to him that I did to Calvin. It honestly wasn’t until after Calvin that I’ve learned to be a good BF, not that I’ve had a BF since Calving but I feel that I would treat them 100% differently. I wish I had learned those lessons earlier in life.
Maybe things would be so different.

My Life

Betrayed again.

The long running saga of me and Jason hits another betrayal. I won’t get super into the history but we’ve been “best friends” for 15 years and I’ve never felt totally included in his life. He always hides major things, lies to me constantly and we’ve had 2 previous falling outs over his lies.
Honestly, I’m not even sure when we started talking again most recently maybe 6-9 months ago. He came back to me after our last falling out and said he’s changed and blah blah blah.
So over the past months we’ve fallen back into our old habits, chatting every day all day long, talking about stuff, we’ve hung out a couple times and things seemed to be great. I thought we were really getting along much better then previously and things really had changed.
Then this past weekend happened. One of my rental trailers is stuck in Seattle. I need to go up there to rescue it, so I called him up and said “How about I come stay with you in PDX for the weekend and we can just run over there and grab the trailer.” When I called him he was very iffy about the whole thing I even said on the phone “I thought you’d be more excited about it”. Well later that day he texts me a picture of a cat and he said: “I had to ask my roommate”. Now, Jason HATES animals. He’s always hated them, he’s too much of a neat freak, so I thought. WOW He really has changed if he got a cat! So we start planning out the weekend and talking about the things we would do while I’m up there. Then yesterday he says to me: “Apple has me stressing about what will happen when kitty and puppy meet”; I said something about “Oh, so what’s up with Apple” and he said something about “many roommates, me, kitty, apple, you, puppy hair”. So WTF he’s living with APPLE this whole time and never once mentioned this? So he’s been hiding the fact that him and apple live together?

I’m struggling Chris. Honestly.
Like I don’t know what I want in life and I don’t know what’s up with you. And just everything.
Like I thought maybe if we duck out for the weekend when we go get trailer we can talk more.
If you want me to say what I was thinking I will.
I trust you and try and be open with you but at the same time you kind of make it difficult for me too
I know you trust me and can be open. But I’ve never been able to trust anyone. And it’s just so hard for me.
Like what am I scared of. And I’ve known you for 15 years!!!!!
I just always fear rejection I think and sometimes you’re kind of mean to me. So I recoil a bit. I don’t think it’s purposeful on your part.
And I guess I just never know with you. And I know that’s a super unhelpful and general statement. And that’s where some of my shyness / apprehension / really letting me kind of be more open. Like some parts of our relationship are good and others not always. Some of it is your communication or lack also.

So seriously. Like WTF does any of this have to do with him hiding the fact that he and Apple are living together. And are the living together as BF’s?! And then trying to blame it on me? THat’s where things really went down hill. We got into a huge fight about everything and now I’m just over it.

We’ve been friends for 15 years, I literally tell him EVERYTHING and yet he says he’s “shy” towards me?! That he can’t even BOTHER to mention in MONTHS that he’s living with some guy? He’s never treated me like he truly cares.

At one point he said something about “I never know where we stand.” And I said, “We’re friends, we’ve always been just friends” and he replied with “Comon, clearly it’s more than just friends”. Yeah, MAYBE it could have been more than just friends, but you’ve lied and betrayed me since the beginning. You’ve NEVER included me as anything more than just that guy. When we lived blocks from each other in Redondo, he NEVER included me in his group of friends, never included me in his trips to Palm Springs, NEVER included me in his group vacations, or even just going out to the local bars on a Friday night. When he lived in PDX, he NEVER included me on the weekend trips to the coast, he NEVER included me on the camping trips he went on. We had planned a vacation to Palm Springs together at one point. He cancelled a WEEK before because some of his other friends invited him on a “Better” vacation. He didn’t even BOTHER to ask me if I wanted to go on that trip.

How can I have any sort of relationship with someone who treats me like this? He doesn’t include me, he’s not honest with me, he hides shit from me all the time.

I mean, I’m heartbroken, AGAIN. I thought we were finally getting through all this shit, that we were FINALLY moving forward as actual best friends. And then BOOM. It’s all over. I can’t do anything else with him. I can NEVER trust him again.

My Life

I just see my dreams fading away

I dunno maybe it’s been the heat, maybe COVID is REALLy starting to get to me but I just see my dreams fading away. This whole SIP thing is BS at this point. One of my big goals for this year was to learn how to sail. EVERY sailing school in the bay area is closed. But yet I see friends in Portland going out and learning how to sail. I search other areas of the country and they are open for sailing lessons. WTF why can’t we do sailing lessons in the bay? It’s not like WE have COVID under control here either so at this point, who fucking cares.

Every day I see people getting into relationships, going on trips, going out wine tasting and yet here I sit in my home alone with just my dog. I just don’t understand at all.

And then to top it all of, I found out that the company I am working for is going to be sold and I’ll (most likely) be laid off yet again sometime in the future. They are apparently still searching for a buyer at this point.

I’m just so frustrated and over this whole situation. I work so hard to get ahead in life to try and do a good job and yet I can’t seem to make it anywhere.

I just want a BF, I want a husband, I want a cute life. I want us to go places together.

My Life

How do we get ahead?

Man COVID is really starting to take a toll on me, TBH. I am so lonely and bored at home all the time. I just want to go back to the gym, I want to go on dates, I want to eat out like normal. I’m pretty OK with working from home but it too is starting to wear on me. More because I want to be able to GO somewhere else and WFH rather than be stuck in Vallejo all the time.

Derik came from TX this past week and we hung out. He stayed at my house and then we went camping in Mt Shasta. It was super amazing camping trip and I loved the place we were at. It was an old Firelook out with views of Shasta. We had a super fun time but I’m so confused about wtf he wants out of stuff. Like we cuddle and act like he’s into me but we don’t have sex or anything sexual at all. It’s just so weird. He left last night to go back to Austin and I’m kinda sad.

Derik kept pushing me to ask Calvin to just get back together. Even my grandma brought it up when I talked to her for her birthday. She said: “I think you and Calvin are meant to be together”. Yeah. I agree, but I dunno how to bring it back up to him. I just don’t want to say something to him and then have him reject me.

I thought about selling my house in LA. I contacted my tax accountant, I would have to pay $277,000 in TAXES alone on the sale of the fucking house. HOW ON EARTH do we as middle class people get ahead?? Like fuck the government. They just waste our fucking money on BS shit. Lining their own pockets or their buddies pockets with our money. We can never get ahead any more. Every market is dominated by these mega corporations who don’t give a shit about customer service. All our congress people are owned by major corporations, they are ruining our country.

My Life

Covid, Camping, Life

Spent a lot of time the last month camping. Been out somewhere nearly every weekend and it’s been great to get out and about after months of being stuck up at home. I know we should still be staying at home but I feel that camping with a small group of people is perfectly safe. Compared to other gays who are out drinking wine and going on vacations (FLYING EVEN) already.

After the Mt Shasta camping trip with Gym Husband I did a backpacking trip with Darin and Hut. Daring came over Thursday evening and spent the night then we drove to Bishop Friday morning. Before we even got 10 minutes from my house we got in huge fight and that ruined the whole weekend between him and I. The weekend itself was amazing but things between us are over. Ever since he moved to Sf he’s become such a snow flake leftist liberal. EVERYTHING is racist to him, everything triggers him. First off, whenever I go spend the night at his house he INSISTS that I shower before I get into his bed. No problem, I appreciate it when people shower before getting into my bed too. Well he arrived here Thursday stinking like he hadn’t showered in DAYS. We hang out and get ready for bed. I say to him: “Do you want to shower before bed?” and he says “No, i’m going to shower in the morning”. I say something along the lines of, are you sure, etc blah blah blah. And he just gets in bed STINKING. He gets up and goes to the bathroom a couple times while we’re just laying there chatting and EVERY TIME he left the light on. Finally he gets up and goes to brush teeth and while he’s doing that I am watching some show. He comes out of the bathroom (light on again) and complains “This show is too white, I can’t watch this”. WTF does that even mean. I get it that you want inclusion and diversity but you _ARE_ living in a majority white country, if would be like me going to fucking Asia and complaining that the shows there are too asian. Anyway… We get to Bishop, we’re eating BBQ at this place and the guy behind us is wearing a trump T-Shirt. And of course Darin goes on and on about how it “triggers” him and he can’t deal with it and it gives him anxiety. For someone who’s a fucking THERAPIST you’d think he would have better copping methods for handling people with opposing views as his. It’s insanely frustrating.

The weekend itself though was GREAT. Did a nice one day backpack with Hut and Dan. I’m pretty sure Dan hates me, long story there. We hiked about 4 miles in, camped at 10,500 feet. Darin and Dan were tired so they napped while Hut and I continued on another 3 miles (off trail) up to 11,300 feet. We were at these amazing lakes called “Wonder Lakes”. That night got SUPER cold and we were all in our tents by 7pm! Woke up in the morning to 20F temps and freezing. Hiked out that morning and headed back to SF.

The next weekend after that I headed down to LA and spent the weekend with Jim and Deb. Did some random stuff around the area but since everything was closed not much going on there. It was nice to see them though.

The weekend after that I went back to Bishop, this time with Jason in Tow. It was the first time in 2 years I’ve seen him and it went surprisingly well. Although I totally remember why we are not close friends any more. We met up with Hut, Dan, Art and Alan. Ate at the same BBQ place but this time no trump supporters! After that we headed up to the mountain and setup camp and just hung out. We did some nice hikes that weekend up to lakes again around the 11,000ft area. Astra did pretty good on the first day but by the time we got back she was EXHAUSTED had to carry her the last mile! That night we hung out at camp and then Sunday we did another nice hike. Something happened with Dan though and he got pissed off and just packed up and left. Again I’m pretty sure it has to do with me and he hates me! That evening we all went to the hot springs which was super nice although astra hates water and refused to get in! Alans dog was sitting in them enjoying them so much! LOL

This past weekend I had to run up to Kennewick. Probably the last time in my life I will ever be there. It was a super weird feeling on one hand I really enjoyed living there, the quiet life, the cheap housing, the low crime, etc. On the other hand I hated it there. I posted my bronco on Craigslist for sale and put it a high enough price I thought it would never sell like the Torino. I got three offers within 1hr. Clearly it wasn’t high enough! I drove up there and met this guy and collected the cash and headed back home. Super sad to see it go but I think it’s for the best. The truck was getting to the point where in another couple years it would need some major renovations and money dumped into it. I just don’t want to be spending money on anything like that any more. I just really wish someone would buy the damn Torino now.

So that’s pretty much everything. I’ve been chatting with these two guys and I’m interested in going on a date with them but we are all still dong the whole social distancing thing so I guess we are just texting for now and getting to know each other.