My Life

I’m getting resentful

Things with Charlie have been tough lately. I’m just getting resentful AF and things keep piling up and we just keep arguing about shit. It’s little stuff that could be easily avoidable, but just pisses me off.

Like the other day, I bought him Girl Scout cookies, he comes home and sees them on his desk and the first thing he can say is “how come you didn’t buy them from the Girl Scouts I know”… no thanks for the cookies babe or anything like that. It’s been days and he still hasn’t said thanks.

This past Sunday, I had planned a nice evening with some hot springs, a massage, etc to just relax. I reminded him about it twice. Once verbally and once via text. In the text, I listed three days and said “Make sure you have these evenings off”. Well he pops it on me that he’s closing that sunday. I told him that I had planned something and he tried to turn it around on me and blame ME for not reminding him. No,”Sorry babe, I totally forgot” or anything like that.

The last two days, I’ve honestly just wanted to pack my shit and just go home. Monday he comes home from work all pissed off and basically treated me like shit. We got into a huge fight at the gym about that. He was like “well I told you I’m sorry if I act like a jerk”. WTF that’s not how it should be. Just because you have a shitty day at work doesn’t mean you come home and treat me like shit. He also told me he was resentful of the fact that I got to have an enjoyable day that day (I had gone on a bike ride, taken astra on a hike, etc).

The other thing is that he’s totally changed as far as texting, etc goes. He says he hasn’t but he has. IE today, I text him after he got to work and said “Have a good day babe”. No reply and it’s been hours. You can’t tell me he hasn’t looked at his phone once in hours. He barely texts me at all any more. He used to text me on his lunch breaks and we’d talk about stuff. Now nothing all day long.

Yesterday, he got home from school, I was at his place but out walking astra. He gets home and doesn’t text me that he’s home. I come back and he’s sleeping in bed, I give him a kiss on the cheek and he doesn’t kiss me back just rolls over. I get in bed and ask “So are you just going to nap” and he says “Give me a second”. Well a second turns into 1.5 hours of napping. So WTF am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for you? He finally wakes up and is like “ok, ready for the gym” and we go to t he gym and get into a fight while on the way there about him napping. I just find it rude AF that he can’t just tell me “I’d like to nap, can you give me 30 minutes” or whatever.

We’re going to Vegas next week and last night he was freaking out because he doesn’t have anything to wear. He pulled a bunch of shit out of his closet and he was like “can you drop this off at the dry cleaners”. Seriously? Am I just a fucking errand boy for him? Like I know he’s busy at work and school but what does he do for me? Also apparently it’s now my job to plan Vegas because he is just too busy (but remember, he could spend an hour and a half napping yesterday).

He could easily bring me something small to appease me. Tuesday morning, I got up to go walk astra. He has Tuesdays off because he goes to class in the morning. When I left to walk astra he was watching tiktoks. When I got back, he was STILL watching tiktoks. He could have got up for 5 minutes while I was gone and made us coffee or something nice.

I just feel like everything _I_ do and everything he does is just annoying each other lately.

Him and Eric have clearly been texting a lot lately. Every time he goes to unlock his phone there’s a new message from him. So, if you can text Eric that much you can text your fucking boyfriend. I can’t remember if I mentioned the whole coffee thing one his birthday, but apparently Eric dropped off coffeee to him on his birthday. Now I am constantly wondering how often Eric just “drops by” to bring him shit. Apparently Eric drives past Charlie’s work every day. Monday I came over an there was a new Demon Slayer stocking cap on the desk. Where did that come from? Did Eric drop it off at his work too?

I just feel like he hides shit like that from me. I feel like he just treats me as his maid/mother/errand boy rather then his boyfriend. He doesn’t do anything to make me happy lately, but he told me last night he “misses when I made him happy”. WTF. I am still doing tons of shit FOR YOU.

Is this really what I want? Yesterday was our three month’s… Neither one of us have used the “L” word yet… Is it moving that way or not? I am honestly not sure.

My Life

Another fight about Eric

Things have been going really well. We have been getting along, getting into a groove. Charlie’s Birthday was last week and we all went out to this big party with his family (and Eric) then went out to Castro. I took him on a flight over the SF bay the day after which was super fun and beautiful.

We haven’t been doing too much, mostly just Gym, eat, go out once a week to a bar or something.

Last week Charlie told me that Eric wanted to go see The Batman movie this week, he asked if I wanted to go with them. I said yes. Well yesterday I asked him if it was still going on. One of my friends asked if I wanted to have dinner/drinks with them to talk about something personal and I asked Charlie the movie was still going on.

I figured I would give him and Eric the chance to go see the movie together and my friend and I would go out to dinner. Charlie said ‘Yeah, we’re going to see it Wednesday’. I asked him when that was planned and he said last week. WTF?! So last week he knew that it was Wednesday but never told me? So was I ACTUALLY invited to this movie or was he just going to drop it on me and be like “oh BTW Eric and I are going to the movie tomorrow”.

So I told him about my friend wanting to get drinks and asked if they could do it Thursday or Friday. He said Eric didn’t want to do it either of those days. So then I was like “ok, well we can still just do Wednesday”… But then somehow I got totally left out of the plans and now I’m not going tonight to the movie?

This started a whole huge fight. Like the biggest fight we’ve had in our relationship. I can’t even really remember everything that went down but we drove back from SF in silence. Got to his house and he refused to talk about it. So I just left and started driving home. He called me and was like “come back”. So I did and we talked a bit about it. Honestly, I”m still pretty pissed about this whole situation.

Like, he claims that _I_ have to be the bigger man and ask Eric out to do things, he says that _I_ need to be the one to make things better with Eric. BULLSHIT. HE is the one who’s the middle man here, he’s the one who needs to step up and first tell Eric to get his shit together and secondly he needs to respect his boyfriend and be up front with Eric about what is happening.

Come to find out that last week when he “invited” me to the movie, he never TOLD Eric he invited me.

Ultimately the problem here IMHO is that he doesn’t want to upset either of us (me and eric) but he ends up pissing us off even more. Like if he wanted to just go see the movie with just Eric. He could have said that last week, could have told me they were going on Wednesday and yes, I would have been a bit annoyed but it would have been fine. Instead he fake invites me, doesn’t tell me the details of what’s going on and then it turns into a huge fight.

Another thing that super annoys me about this is now he’s going to go out and see a movie that I REALLY wanted to see, while I’ll be sitting home alone tonight instead. Super annoying. AGAIN, had he just told me last week that they were going on Wed, I could have easily found another friend go to with. Instead, I assumed I had been INVITED to this movie and that I was going to get to go see it with them.

Sorry this is a pretty incoherent post and I don’t think I’m expressing everything properly. Overall I just feel he’s still very self centered, he doesn’t understand that we’re in a relationship and he needs to consider my feelings/time with things. And to add to the complexity of this issue it’s not just that Eric is his “best friend” it’s that Eric his also his EX/Hookup/Still in love with him! His take is that I should just be “Totally fine” with him going to hang out with Eric and doing whatever he wants with him. But at the same time, I feel like if I were to do that with my friends, he would be pissed off. Because IE last night one of the arguments he used is that I just “spring” on him that I’m going out with my friends. Which I’ve barely seen any of my friends since he and I started dating and when I do go see my friends, I tell him AS SOON AS WE PLAN something. Which for my group of friends is always at least one week in advance. Honestly I get the feeling that he expects me to sit at home and do nothing while he goes out with Eric.

Again something else he said last night was that “it’s ok if you just sit at home while I’m out with Eric”. blah blah blah. Yeah, well _I_ don’t want to just sit at home waiting on your ass while you’re out having fun without me. I have friends that I want to see too and my friends can’t just drop everything at the flip of a hat because they have lives. It’s not like Eric where all he does is go to school.

I just don’t know. Honestly there are times when I’m just like “this is never going to work out” and then there are times where I’m like “this is so great”. Again yesterday, his class got cancelled so we had the whole day to do stuff. He honestly has a LOT OF SHIT that he needs to get done, studying, buying tickets to Philippines, planning Vegas trip, etc etc etc. Instead he choose to fucking take a nap and waste the day on TikTok. Sometimes I feel more like a mother to him then a boyfriend. I’ve done his laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned his room, make him dinner, remind him to get shit done, etc etc. What am I to him exactly?

My Life

Is this how it goes?

Man. I dunno, it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship but it just seems like I’m always on edge, always anxious. Always semi-annoyed.

Don’t get me wrong. We have a lot of good times together but I’m also just always sort of annoyed with him.

This past week, we didn’t really do much. He had to study so two nights we just sat in his house and he studied. I cooked dinner, normal stuff.

Jay and James apparently decided to get married. So there’s that.

A few weeks ago, Eric asked Charlie to go to a concert on the 25th. I told Charlie to go and have fun and I made plans with one of my friends, on Tuesday night I asked him if they are still going and he said no because Eric didn’t get tickets in time. Well I found some tickets for them and now they are going again.

Then yesterday we are all supposed to hang out for our first meeting since all this shit happened. I asked Charlie what the plan was and nothing was planned, I was pretty annoyed by that as well cause _I_ am part of this relationship now too. I need to know what’s going on.

Charlie said that Eric wanted to “hang out” before the three of us met up, which IMHO is BS. Why does he need to hang out before we all hang out? I was annoyed by that because they are also going to hang out Friday at the concert. But whatever to make Charlie happy and try to move things forward. Charlie gets to the bar they are meeting at at 4:30 and I ask him what time he wants me to meet them. He says 7pm. WTF are you two gonna talk about for 2+ hours? And then I come meet you? Annoying.

Anyway, we all have dinner and it as fine. Eric was way more chatty and friendly then previously but still quiet AF.

Charlie and I get back to my place, watch movie and then go to bed. This morning we wake up and while he’s getting ready for work he’s telling me about their plans tonight. So Eric is going to Charlie’s house, they are going to carpool to Berkley to this concert and then go back to Charlie’s house? WTF. Again? Like why do you have to meet at your house? Why the fuck can’t you two just meet at the concert. I get a bit annoyed about it and Charlie is like “well how is this making Eric more comfortable with you?”.

WTF? YOU’RE supposed to be trying to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH ERIC. Not the other fucking way around.

I don’t know. I just don’t know if this is how things are supposed to be going. Like, I feel that only 2 months into this we should still be happy and having a good time and enjoying shit but I’m always just anxious AF. I’m always just trying to smooth things over. And is it because I’m asking too much? Am I just wanting too much from him?

We hang out every night, we sleep together every day. He brings me cute gifts. But is this really what we’re doing? Is all we’re doing just filling time with each other. Does he care about me or love me? What about ME does he really like.

He might not come over tonight after the concert… I mean I feel like that’s a good thing, we do need some time apart. But at the same time. I want him HERE. I want to know that Eric isn’t spending the night at his house or they aren’t out a bar all night long.

I’m sort of stuck in this weird, “I want a relationship but I also just want the freedom of being single” mentality right now. I want to do my own things and honestly I feel a bit held back by Charlie right now and something that Jay brought up with both of us. We’re in different places in our lives. IS this really going to work out long term? What do I really want…

My Life

Valentine’s Failure, friends in love.

Wow, so much has happened actually in the past few days. I don’t even know where to start really….

So after I wrote the last one, Jay messaged Charlie that they wanted to have dinner Sunday night. Well he couldn’t do that so they planned to meet on Tuesday. They specifically said, just the three of them. So they excluded me.

I was super annoyed, but whatever. Go have dinner with them. But hold up, let’s talk about Valentines day first.

So Monday I spent most of the day running around. I returned the suit, bought some basic dress shirts from Banana Republic, wanted to find some nice chocolates for Charlie but I couldn’t find anything. Got him a cute card and some flowers. He comes over after work and I greet him at the door with two glasses of champagne and he has this big fancy chocolate thing for me. It was super cute. We had sex and then left for dinner. Took Bart there which was nice because the we didn’t have to worry about drinking too much.

Dinner was so-so food wise but we chatted the whole time about random stuff. It was good to again have that chat/time to talk about things. It didn’t seem awk at all.

After dinner he decided he wanted to go to the Castro, so we took muni there and went to a few places. We both got super drunk. Walked back to BART and while we were sitting there waiting he’s scrolling through instagram. I notice he has a ton of unread messages so I start to poke him about what they are. Come to find out they are old hookups who are thirsting over him. They message him and he just ignores them. I mean good that he does but Jesus, like just tell them you have a BF. We got into a huge fight over that. We fought basically the whole way back home. We got to my place and he threatened to leave and just go home. I told him that if he left, that was the end of us. I honestly don’t even know why it was such a big deal. But it turned into a huge fight that night.

The next morning we woke up, had make up sex and then went to the gym. So this brings us back up to Tuesday. The day he has dinner with Jay and James.

He leaves my place and goes to meet them, sends me some nice pics while they are eating at this beautiful place. Then around 6;30 he messages me saying they are getting ready to leave… Then silence for 1.5 hours. This of course PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. So now I’m pissed off that he’s just MIA.

I end up driving to his place and just as I get there he calls me that they are ready to leave finally. I was super grumpy with him but I could tell by the tone of his voice that he just wanted to see me and tell me what had happened.

He gets back to his place and we have a quick talk first about the silence thing. I tell him, “I don’t want to fight about this or make it a problem but this has got to stop. We’ve talked about it multiple times before and you just keep doing this. You have to respect your boyfriend.”. I went on to tell him that this is the same as the argument we got into on Monday, he’s not respecting me as his bf by letting these other guys thirst over him and by not putting a stop to it. He agreed and said “you’re right” and apologized. Said he would keep trying to do better.

We go into his place and start to talk about dinner. He says, “guess what it was about”. I guessed. “are they breaking up?” he said “no”…. I said, “James is in love with you”. He said “ding ding ding”.

So here we are again. Another “best friend” of his who’s IN LOVE with him apparently. WTF, how does this keep happening to him?

This is a SUPER weird situation. Jay and James have been together for 11 years. Jay is 44ish and James is I think 30? James has never been with anyone else. So Jay and James were BOTH there for the talk about James being in love with Charlie? Why are gays so fucked up. You are in a relationship, you know your friend has a boyfriend. Why the fuck are you even saying anything? What is the point? What are you expecting out of this. Are you expecting that Charlie is going to say “I love you too, let’s date?” and then right there you dump your boyfriend and Charlie dumps his and you two live happily ever after?

The other thing that happened is I guess Jay put a lot of doubts into Charlie’s head about our relationship. He pushed him on my finances and plans, where I want to live. How will our relationship work with such a disparity in where we are in life. So we spent a lot of time last night talking about that. I came 100% clean as to what my finical status was and he seemed shocked.

This is all really frustrating. Here we are two months into our relationship. And We’ve already dealt with one friend who’s IN LOVE with Charlie, now we have a second friend who’s in LOVE and a third friend who’s putting doubts into his head?

Charlie and I really need to talk more about everything, I never really talked to him about what HIS feelings are for James, what he wants out of this stuff. And if he’s comfortable/happy with what my plans are.

My Life

Potter, Friends, Suit

So not much has really happened. Being in a relationship means life is pretty boring, TBH. I sort of realize now why my blog is missing a huge chunk of my life while I was with Calvin. There’s not much to talk about.

Honestly our days have been pretty great. We meet up after work, go to the gym, make dinner/eat out, etc etc. Rinse and repeat.

The other day we were going to Harry Potter. I had paid over $500 for two tickets. We went out for drinks before hand and some how we were talking about Eric again. I asked Charlie, “How much of Eric was the real Eric and how much was the “I hate Chris so I’m going to be mean to him, Eric””. Apparently that pissed him off, but I didn’t know about it. Then later we were talking and he has scheduled a week long trip with his friends Jay and James to NorCal for May. That really pissed me off.

While I was in the Galapagos he kept going on and on about how this will be the last trip we take apart, blah blah blah. And then he springs it on me that NOT ONLY is he going on a week long trip with them but he’s also going STRAIGHT to the Philippines right after that?! So he will be gone for THREE FUCKING WEEKS. This pissed me off on multiple fronts. 1) because he was so anti-vacations apart and 2) because he keeps telling me there’s no way he can take time off for trips with me but suddenly out of no where he can take three weeks off in a row.

Honestly, I think it’s retaliation for the whole Bora Bora trip, but that’s so childish and annoying AF. We got into a HUGE fight in the lobby area of Harry Potter. We were both ready to just leave but I had already paid for the damn tickets and we were there. I almost told him to just drive his ass home and I would bart home after the play.

We talked about it but didn’t finish the discussion before the play started, went into the play and sat there, I had my arms crossed cause I was so pissed off. He grabbed my hand and held it through the entire play.

Honestly I think we still need to talk about it and what happened and why he did it. But Whatever.

Then on Saturday he “takes a day off” so that we can go hang out with Jay and James. I’m happy that I got to meet his friends, but I’m again annoyed AF that he can randomly take Saturdays off to go see them but can never take a da off to just spend it with me. (Which apparently Jay and James were having the SAME FIGHT).

Jay and James were supper nice guys, we had a lot of fun. But then yesterday, the day after we hang out, Jay texted Charlie asking if they could have dinner privately with just the three of them. WTF? That’s weird, isn’t it? You JUST the day before had dinner and drinks with Charlie and myself. Now the very next day you want to meet without your friends new bf? What is the point? I can get wanting to hang out just the three of them but so quickly after? What is the point of topic?

I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night cause I was so worried about what that was about.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go Climbing with Rex, but due to a “miss understanding” he never showed up. I went shopping with Derik instead because I needed to pick out a suit to go to dinner with Charlie. He had said that he was going to wear a suit to our Valentines day dinner. I didn’t want to just show up in a fucking t-shirt and jeans (which is pretty much all I have now). So I went shopping and spent $600 on a new suit. That night I get home and Charlie and I are having dinner and I told him that Derik and I went shipping and we found some new clothes but I didn’t tell him it was a suit. He said “I was just joking about wearing my suit”. WTF? So you stressed me out and I went and did that and it was just a joke.

I really like Charlie, I think he’s a great guy. But there’s def some downsides and his biggest down fall is his inability to talk about things. He just shuts down. Sometimes I feel like he only tells James and Eric shit and then I get the silent Charlie.

Jay and I spent a lot of private time on Saturday just talking. He said that Charlie jumps from relationship to relationship and he can’t be alone. I’ve witnessed a lot of that TBH, when he has alone time, it drives him crazy and he can’t just be ALONE. That’s why he hangs out with Eric so much. And it concerns me that the only real reason he is with me is because I give him all of that attention and time.

It comes back to the “silent” Charlie. I feel like he doesn’t really talk to me about things sometimes. IE I see his texts with Eric or James and they are long messages. With me, he texts simple. When we talk, it’s pretty basic.

Maybe this won’t last, maybe it will. Who knows.