So since PV, I also went to Portland. It ended up being a hella fun trip but I was sick the whole time. This random guy from grindr came with me and we had a lot of fun. Just walked around the city, met some other randoms. Did an escape room, ate lots of stuff. He’s a nice guy but a little too fem for me and also I didn’t like how I was just his personal photographer the whole trip. I did manage to get some good pics out of it though!
It kinda annoys me how Charles is clearly looking at all my pics on instagram but refusing to interact with them at all. Whatever. I did have kind of a melt down the other day cause some random ass guy in instagram was messaging me about “how hot” Charles was and how he’s been hitting him up. And then at the same time James messaged me something about how Charles was complaining about guys keep falling in love with him but all he wants to do is “have fun”. AND at the same time I sitting having beer with Hugo and he was telling me about Jim and Charles and blah blah blah. I really don’t need to know this stuff right now. I’m still in love with him, I’m moving past it, but it still hurts. I don’t want to know that he’s out there fucking other guys, going on dates. etc. I need to call Charles to ask him to watch astra and I’m afraid of his response being something like “oh, I can’t cause I’m going to LA” or something. Which is totally made up in my head and crazy. But who knows what he will say.
I had a dream about him last night that he finally wrote me the “letter”, but in the dream I kept getting distracted and couldn’t read it.
I still think about our entire relationship and it pisses me off so much how he treated me. How he didn’t want to interact with me a lot of the time, how he forgot my birthday and other things I planned for him. But yet, he seems perfectly capable of making these random ass guys on grindr fall in love with him. He’s perfectly capable of being a sweet caring guy to these RANDOM people, but not to the guy he supposedly LOVED so much that he said he wanted to marry me. I know he doesn’t show any emotion to people outside but I sometimes hope that he sits at home and cries still, thinking about what he lost in me. Thinking about what he could have had with me. Thinking about all the nice things I did for him and regretting how he treated me. I still want him to text me, “I miss you”; “I love you”. Something. I want him to show some emotion and caring to me. But I know I’ll probably never get it. I also kinda feel like Jay and James are starting to put a little distance between me and them. Maybe it’s just mental and it’s just that they are busy or the natural flow of things. Jay mentioned inviting me to the gingerbread house making this year, but I am getting the feeling that I won’t be. Which might be for the best, I don’t know how to handle being around Charles right now. As much as I want to be, as much as I want to see him. It will just be a let down, because he hasn’t changed, he doesn’t care. He still won’t ask me how I am, or what I’ve been up too.
It’s time to accept that there’s no future with him. That he’s already had his two chances and he’s broken my heart twice already. There’s no way I should give it to him again, to only be broken again. It’s time to fully let him go. To fully move on.
I also though think about over the past two years and the negativity that Jason brought to me. He kept saying shit like “Sept 18th”; “why are you wasting your time”; and other stuff. Making me question Charles, putting doubts in my head bout him. I question what was Jason’s motivation, why was he doing this. Does he just not want to see me happy, does he just want to be negative. And now both Jason and Charles are gone out of my life.
When I was in PV, glenn gave me a rug to give to one of this friends. He and I met at club 1220 the other night and it was a random Drag trivia night. Ended up super fun and now I have a second date with the guy. He’s VERY cute, super nice and hilarious.
I’m in San Diego now and honestly I don’t know if I can keep up with Sean and his negativity any more. Like it’s just incredibly frustrating how EVERYWHERE we go he’s complaining about everything, making negative remarks. etc. Like look and be happy for once. And all they do is sit around and watch MSNBC. I tried to get them to do some stuff yesterday and they didn’t want too. We went out to Chinese food and it was a whole discussion to convince them to eat there because they didn’t want to “deal with parking”. WTF just park. It’s not that big of a deal.
I have been talking to this guy in Modesto for a few weeks now. He calls me every morning and night to talk, we text during the day, we seem to have really hit it off so far. I am going to spend the night with him on my way back from San Diego. I hope we hit it off in person the way it’s been online/phone so far.
I have to keep reminding myself, there’s guys out there who want me. That I’m a great guy, I’m lovable, that I’m wanted, that I’m exciting. That I’m fun. There’s guys pursuing me, wanting to be with me that I am also rejecting. But there’s guys I’m also interested in and happy to be around. That I want to spend more time with them and get to know them better.
I am worthy of love and I deserve it. I deserve to be loved, to be treated right, to be called and talked with, to have conversations, to ask how my day is, to CARE about me. I am worth it. I am.