My Life

Apartments & Suresh

This past weekend I was in Iowa closing on $3m worth of Apartment buildings. 6 new buildings, 60 total units. This should really set me up for retirement now. I’m hoping that over the next 2 years that I will feel comfortable with what my income is from these and be able to just be done with working… It’s been a very stressful two months dealing with all of these but I’m pretty sure that things will work out.

My dad reminded me of a story. 14 years ago, I bought my first big new car, it cost me $30,000 at the time. I called my dad nearly in TEARS because it was so much fucking money… I was so afraid to spend that much money. NOW today, I am going to be making an income of nearly $50,000 every month. I’m spending over $3m on an apartment building and have a net worth of $2.5m. It’s amazing how different things happen.

While I was in Iowa, I of course was thinking about Suresh a lot. I was out shopping and found these cute postcards and bought one and sent it to him. I know he hasn’t received it yet (at least, I doubt) but then this morning WHILE I WAS IN MY THERAPY SESSION he messaged me: “Hey, I know you want some space between us, but I’m going to go back to IA for a while (through May), and wanted to see if we could say “bye” before I go. I know you’ve got a lot going on this month, but I’m leaving by August 13 ( hoping the baby is born by then)”.

We haven’t spoken since June 2nd… So he’s clearly been thinking about me, maybe he misses me, who knows. Why does he want to reach out and say “goodbye”. WHY on earth is he moving back to Iowa!?

This set off so much and I was so happy/so glad that he reached out but also so anxious about how those feelings/etc will be when I see him again.

My Life

Deleting dating apps

So, I’ve been in GA/SC/NC with Derik for the long weekend. It’s been a fun trip but re-affirms why I could never date him.

We landed in ATL and got a hotel overnight, then drove to Charleston. Spent a few days there and then went to Greenville and hung out with his family which was fun. He has a hot young cousin. Woof.

Anyway, last night we went to a bathhouse and it was a horrible experience. All I could think about the whole time was just that I wanted to be at home, with a bf. Cuddling on the couch. I wanted to call suresh and tell him I miss cuddling with him.

We got back to the hotel and had a long talk. I am going to delete all my dating apps today. This will be very tough I think. No grindr, no tinder, no okcupid, no bumble… wtf.

My Life


Lots to say, but I don’t really have the right words to say it all…

Went backpacking last weekend with Hut. It was a fucking killer trip. So much elevation gain, then loss, then gain, then DROPS. I have decided that I am no longer enjoying backpacking though. Maybe 2-3 days max but we were supposed to do 5 and after the 3rd day, I just wanted out. I wanted a shower, I wanted my bed.

Backpacking gives you a lot of time to think about things through and of course you know the one big thing that was on my mind. I kept wishing/hoping that I would return to a text from him but the smart side of my brain said “don’t be an idiot, he will never reach out to you”. Which I know he won’t. I shoved the door closed, locked it and barricaded it. But you know. I just want HIM to say “I miss you”.

My therapist gave me this homework. “Name the thought that you are having. “I am having a thought of (wanting to do something, etc.)…” It’s not an action, but action urge.”. But I feel I am doing it wrong. You know the problem is that my mind when idle just repeats over and over again. If I have a song stuck in my head, it repeats. When I am thinking about a person it repeats. OVER and OVER and OVER. “I am having a through of wanting to send him a letter”; “I am having a thought of sending him a present”; “I am having a thought of posting something on instagram about him”…. But how does that HELP me get better. Last night he posted a video to instagram of him out hiking. It made me crash and feel like shit. “I am having a thought of not being active enough” – He was out having a nice hike on a monday afternoon. I was sitting at home doing nothing. Who was he with, what was he thinking. Etc etc.

I came back from the trip, 4 days of no cell service to a good number of messages. Two guys said “I miss you”. Both of them completely unavailable to me, so while I am happy they miss me and I missed them too. It doesn’t help because we can’t be together or have a relationship. Guys always want what they can’t have. These guys who live no where close to me seem to want me, but no one who’s HERE seems to want me.

Derik has been staying with me for the past month. I feel like he wants more out of me but he just wants the physical aspect of it. Not a relationship. I reject his actions because I cannot be a FWB type situation. I garner feelings too easily and I don’t want to be heartbroken again. He is just replacing his Austin boy with me, IMHO and I don’t want to just be a replacement or place holder.

This past Sunday I met up with Wings for dinner. That was very interesting. I haven’t seen him in person since I kicked him out of my house. I honestly forgot 90% of what happened back then but he refreshed my memory. It was good to see him but again I’m not really sure the point of meeting up with him or what we will become if we will be friends or not. Honestly, I think it was more just for his own satisfaction and closure.

Getting back to work has been rough too, I am just so not motivated because this project I am working on is not getting anywhere. We are getting close to our first pilot and nothing is ready. People are just not taking it serious enough and not investing the time. I keep pushing and pushing it but no one listens.

The properties are coming close to closing. Should be closed by mid-July. I am super scared but also excited for it. I got my first big bill already for $35,000 for insurance alone 🙁

About two weeks ago Jason was in town for a wedding. He stopped over at my house to pick up a pillow he had left last time he was here. Ever since then, he’s been acting super funny. Like normally we would text day in and day out. Now we go days without messaging. Honestly, I’m sort of fine with it. I think that our friendship has played itself out and we’re coming to and end of what we were meant to be/do together. We have a trip planned for later this month. So we will see what happens with that.

My Life

What if I died tomorrow?

Earlier today I was chatting with my friend Tony. His BF was recently diagnosed with HIV and he is having a really tough time getting through it. Tony was asking me how I got through it and what suggestions I might have. I told him that when I found out, I had already done AIDS lifecycle and I had a large group of amazing POZ friends already. I told him that one of those friends, Mok, lived down the street from me. He and I would bike, hang out, have dinners. Any time I was feeling down about it, Mok was there to lend a shoulder and to make me feel better.

But that got me thinking, where is Mok today? He doesn’t do social media and we haven’t spoken in years. We sort of lost touch after a while. So where is he? How would I even go about finding him. The only thing I know about him is his first name, phone number and email address. I googled both and no hits on them. I don’t even have a last name for him.

What if he’s dead? I will probably never know anything about him again. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to go to his funeral or send flowers to his family. At the point in my life where we had met and crossed paths, he was so influential to me, so important, so helpful.

IT got me thinking, what if I were to die tomorrow? How would the people that I care about even find out. Now that I am no longer on any social media platforms, who would notify those people?

This past weekend in small town america, you saw the notices. BIG YELLOW pages printed out with a picture of the person, the date and time of the memorial, where to send flowers or cards. Posted in nearly every store front. At noon every day the local radio and tv station plays a list of all the births and deaths in the area. The local women’s groups gossip about “did you hear who died?”. Even if they had moved away many years ago, all because they still have those roots there.

But in todays digital world, all my “friends” are mostly remote, digital. I talk to them daily via text or face time. When I die, will they even know? I talk to Tony every day, but I haven’t seen him in ages. Would my family or parents know to contact him. Who would they contact?

With my will, there is a list of a handful of passwords. Those will gain access to my life. But will my parents or family know what to do with them? Will they have the mental capacity at the time of my death to say “We need to contact people”. Will my friends even call if they don’t hear from me for a few days?

I talked to Tony about these topic, he relayed a story of one of his friends who died while back country skiing. His family didn’t realize for weeks that he was missing. WEEKS! Are we really that disconnected in this day in age of “connectedness?”

After I die, will my blog continue to live?

My Life

A weekend with the family.

So this past weekend was our family reunion. Honestly, I don’t really know why we do these things because they all see each other plenty. But we all met up and rented this cabin in the woods in western Iowa.

I was supposed to fly in on Thursday evening and then leave early Friday for the place. Well, I flew to Dallas and then my flight was cancelled from Dallas to DSM. I got a hotel in Dallas and hooked up with this cute boy. He was super awk but we had fun. Went to the airport early the next day, I had therapy from 11-12 and my flight was at noon, so I wanted to be at the airport before. Well I get there and go too the AA lounge and do my therapy which was super awk because I’m sure a ton of people over heard it. Then my fucking flight was delayed until 4pm. Finally got on the damn plane. I paid for first class tickets and due to the cancellation I ended up in a middle seat.

I kept day dreaming that Suresh was going to be on the flight. I could see him and then go sit next to him and have a talk. He of course was not on the flight.

We got to the house and everyone was there already. Doing our normal family thing of just sitting around and chit-chatting. Boring. Went to bed and found out that in my room I have one bar of service if I hold my phone just right… I saw instagram and suresh has posted this cute cactus that looked like a heart and said “Mother Nature sends her love”. Was it directed at me? Probably not.

Of course, it just made me think about him so much.

The next day we rented this UTV thing and drove around the reserve. It was tons of fun. Erin had brought this other girl/boy Quinn. He/She was annoying AF. And my cousin was just egging her on. Like she had a real attitude torwards me. By the end of saturday night I had had enough and I said something like “if you don’t knock it off with the attitude you’re going to get a fist in your face” and my cousin was like “ohh, we’re going to make chris cry”. WTF that is not an appropriate response.

I have realized that my cousin and her mother are fucking bullies. Like the women in this family just control the fuck out of their men. IT’s really disgusting.

This also made me really sad that I didn’t have anyone there to be with me. I am all alone and sad.

It’s weird, because I honestly have a bunch of boys chasing me, but none of them are people who it would actually work out with. Like some of them are foreign boys, some I am just not that into, etc etc. So why can I not just move past suresh and get him out of my mind. Things would have never worked between us. I can see that, I know that. But yet, I still love him to death.

Speaking of, Army popped back into my life this weekend too. He’s in Egypt but we have been texting every day. He’s such a great guy and he apologized for what he did to me the during the earlier times we were together.

And then, DEB cornered me at the reunion and was like:” I want to see you and Calvin back together, blah blah blah. he’s so amazing blah blah blah” Yes deb. I know he’s amazing, yes, I would love to see us back together too. But he is with some one, we are miles apart and also who knows if in the last 6 years he or I have changed to the point where we don’t fit together any more.

I just want to be a happy family, I want to have a partner. I don’t want to be here alone any more.