No Title…

Two years ago today:

I still am down about all that honestly. I know I said I won’t write more about him but, I still miss him. I still think about him every day. I still want to see his face popup with a random phone call just to chat. I still think about all those times and everything that happened between us. How it felt so perfect, how it felt things were finally moving forward an then in 24 hours, it all changed.

And I still feel that way. He’s put me through so much emotional pain. So much grief, so much sadness, so much heartbreak.

I just went grocery shopping and started to cry in the store. It’s been two months since we moved out. Probably 2.5 since we went grocery shopping together last. Yet he still impacts me in the smallest weirdest ways sometimes.

I still have a small hope every day that he will popup and say “Hey”. Or he will see a story I post and reply to it. Like he did two years ago when I went out with Cody and he said “TFTI”. On the other hand, I finally removed his access to my electronic door lock, locking him out of my life.

I’m trying to focus on making more friends but these friends keep pushing my boundaries. Tennis buddy and Gym buddy both text me shit like “I miss you”. Gym buddy keeps sending me stuff where I think he’s just trying to make me jealous about guys he’s meeting up with. Tennis buddy and I kinda had a fight last night cause he kept pushing the “miss you” thing. He flat out asked me if I missed him and I said no. Like I don’t miss you. We play tennis once a week, we don’t chat in between. What exactly is there to miss, we barely know each other. I’ve been clear from the start that I just want to play tennis. I just want to be friends.

Am I cold hearted because I don’t “miss” them after not seeing them a few days? I don’t think so. I don’t miss my parents, I don’t miss other friends whom I’ve known for 10+ years (Sean, Mike, Hut, etc) or people I know. Who DO I miss? My grandma, Calvin, Charles, Astra.

Portland, San Diego and Boys.

So since PV, I also went to Portland. It ended up being a hella fun trip but I was sick the whole time. This random guy from grindr came with me and we had a lot of fun. Just walked around the city, met some other randoms. Did an escape room, ate lots of stuff. He’s a nice guy but a little too fem for me and also I didn’t like how I was just his personal photographer the whole trip. I did manage to get some good pics out of it though!

It kinda annoys me how Charles is clearly looking at all my pics on instagram but refusing to interact with them at all. Whatever. I did have kind of a melt down the other day cause some random ass guy in instagram was messaging me about “how hot” Charles was and how he’s been hitting him up. And then at the same time James messaged me something about how Charles was complaining about guys keep falling in love with him but all he wants to do is “have fun”. AND at the same time I sitting having beer with Hugo and he was telling me about Jim and Charles and blah blah blah. I really don’t need to know this stuff right now. I’m still in love with him, I’m moving past it, but it still hurts. I don’t want to know that he’s out there fucking other guys, going on dates. etc. I need to call Charles to ask him to watch astra and I’m afraid of his response being something like “oh, I can’t cause I’m going to LA” or something. Which is totally made up in my head and crazy. But who knows what he will say.

I had a dream about him last night that he finally wrote me the “letter”, but in the dream I kept getting distracted and couldn’t read it.

I still think about our entire relationship and it pisses me off so much how he treated me. How he didn’t want to interact with me a lot of the time, how he forgot my birthday and other things I planned for him. But yet, he seems perfectly capable of making these random ass guys on grindr fall in love with him. He’s perfectly capable of being a sweet caring guy to these RANDOM people, but not to the guy he supposedly LOVED so much that he said he wanted to marry me. I know he doesn’t show any emotion to people outside but I sometimes hope that he sits at home and cries still, thinking about what he lost in me. Thinking about what he could have had with me. Thinking about all the nice things I did for him and regretting how he treated me. I still want him to text me, “I miss you”; “I love you”. Something. I want him to show some emotion and caring to me. But I know I’ll probably never get it. I also kinda feel like Jay and James are starting to put a little distance between me and them. Maybe it’s just mental and it’s just that they are busy or the natural flow of things. Jay mentioned inviting me to the gingerbread house making this year, but I am getting the feeling that I won’t be. Which might be for the best, I don’t know how to handle being around Charles right now. As much as I want to be, as much as I want to see him. It will just be a let down, because he hasn’t changed, he doesn’t care. He still won’t ask me how I am, or what I’ve been up too.

It’s time to accept that there’s no future with him. That he’s already had his two chances and he’s broken my heart twice already. There’s no way I should give it to him again, to only be broken again. It’s time to fully let him go. To fully move on.

I also though think about over the past two years and the negativity that Jason brought to me. He kept saying shit like “Sept 18th”; “why are you wasting your time”; and other stuff. Making me question Charles, putting doubts in my head bout him. I question what was Jason’s motivation, why was he doing this. Does he just not want to see me happy, does he just want to be negative. And now both Jason and Charles are gone out of my life.

When I was in PV, glenn gave me a rug to give to one of this friends. He and I met at club 1220 the other night and it was a random Drag trivia night. Ended up super fun and now I have a second date with the guy. He’s VERY cute, super nice and hilarious.

I’m in San Diego now and honestly I don’t know if I can keep up with Sean and his negativity any more. Like it’s just incredibly frustrating how EVERYWHERE we go he’s complaining about everything, making negative remarks. etc. Like look and be happy for once. And all they do is sit around and watch MSNBC. I tried to get them to do some stuff yesterday and they didn’t want too. We went out to Chinese food and it was a whole discussion to convince them to eat there because they didn’t want to “deal with parking”. WTF just park. It’s not that big of a deal.

I have been talking to this guy in Modesto for a few weeks now. He calls me every morning and night to talk, we text during the day, we seem to have really hit it off so far. I am going to spend the night with him on my way back from San Diego. I hope we hit it off in person the way it’s been online/phone so far.

I have to keep reminding myself, there’s guys out there who want me. That I’m a great guy, I’m lovable, that I’m wanted, that I’m exciting. That I’m fun. There’s guys pursuing me, wanting to be with me that I am also rejecting. But there’s guys I’m also interested in and happy to be around. That I want to spend more time with them and get to know them better.

I am worthy of love and I deserve it. I deserve to be loved, to be treated right, to be called and talked with, to have conversations, to ask how my day is, to CARE about me. I am worth it. I am.

Weekend in PV

Spent the past weekend in PV.

I left on Thursday. I had texted Charles that I was leaving around 1 and assuming he would come over after to pick up astra. But he texted asking if he could get her in the morning cause he had to work. I said sure. He got there and gave me a big hug which was unexpected. We talked for a few minutes. He saw my new tattoo. But it made me sad again.

It started out shitty. I got there and glenn and polo both had to work, so I was alone for like 5 hours friday. I got depressed AF. Sitting around alone, seeing all the cute couples and groups of friends.

But the rest of the weekend was hella fun. SO that’s good. I’m inspired by Glenn’s outlook and the way he does things. I wish I could be more like him and just go for it and just do it. He says, ya know as long as there’s enough for rent, that’s all you need.

Flying home today and feeling like shit again. I cried multiple times on the plane. At one point. JP Saxx, The Few things came on. I cried like crazy.

I texted Charles, kinda hoping he would offer to pick me up from the airport. But of course not.

Glenn nailed him on the head when we were talking about things this weekend.

Anyways, I’m looking better. I”m feeling good. I”m going to be happy again soon.

Overwhelmed by Boys

I’m honestly starting to get overwhelmed by the number of guys “talking” to me and wanting to hangout/date.

I have like two or three boys now who message me shit like “I miss you”.

Last night, I had three people who wanted to hang out. I told them all no, I just needed a night alone.

Trying to juggle, trying to coordinate, trying to manage.

But I still just want one boy to come back and say “I miss you”.

Down Day…

This week started out great, Monday I was feeling happy and having a good time. Tuesday I went out to play tennis, I’m getting better.

Today, for some reason I am just sad. I woke up around 3am, thinking about him of course. Wondering if he still thinks about me. Does he still have down days, is he still sad sometimes? Does he check my instagram to look at our old posts. Does he look at our old photos.

I’m at work, my eyes have been teary most of the day.

I check instagram constantly, to see if he posts a story, a note, anything. He posted on Monday a song. “Dazed and Confused” – Ruel. What’s the meaning, who’s it aimed at? Probably Alex.

I wonder when/if I’ll see him again. I wonder how that interaction will go. He’s supposed to watch astra next week. How do I hand over the keys? I’m probably just going to leave the keys in the mailbox and tell him they are there…

I miss him, but he’s a terrible BF. I love him, but he couldn’t treat me right. I want him back, but he needs to be better. I want to forget him, but I cannot.

I’m sure he’s already forgotten, moved on. He’s stuck on Alex now, flirting, chatting, having a good time. He’s smiling at work. I don’t cross his mind. He doesn’t go to our texts and start to write something and then delete it.

I have boys chasing me, but I cannot give them anything right now. I’m still stuck on him.

I have a hangout tonight, I’m debating just cancelling but he and I have been talking for weeks and finally meeting up.

I have a hangout with Pete on Friday and I have a hangout with Matty on Saturday, but I don’t even know what the point is.

Maybe I’m the one who just needs to be alone right now. Maybe I’m the one who needs to go find myself, run away. I’ve spent the entire day looking at boats to buy. Thinking to myself, maybe if I just buy it, get away, someone will come to me, somewhere.