Category: My Life

I’ve started this post a few times and just can never get it finished…

First, I took my USCG classes a few weeks ago. They were TOUGH but I got through them. There’s four tests, the first three you have to score 90% or greater on (meaning you can miss like 1-2 questions). The last time you can get 70% on. The first three, I scored 100% the last one I got 92%. So that was good. I haven’t studied that hard for anything in my life before. hahaha. Now the problem is that I gotta figure out what to do with this. That all comes around to the selling of the boat. I’m also debating if I want to do an ASA instructor classes. But they are $4k. If the boat doesn’t sell, it would def be worth it. But if the boat sells, I don’t see myself ever teaching the class. TBH.

Speaking of the boat.. I caught my broker lying to me TWICE. First, he said that he “showed the boat this morning to a guy who flew in from texas”. I was fucking ON THE BOAT all day. Never saw him. When I pushed back he said “I meant I showed the listing to a guy from texas”. HUGE fucking difference. Second time he said he had a guy flying in from Vegas. So I cleaned, put up a camera. And never saw him show the boat at all. I’ve been trying to fire him but his fucking contact is so annoying. Since he sold me the boat 2 years ago. He claims that he can include ANYONE who looked at the boat 2 years ago in the list of clients that Icannot sell too. Fucking ass hole.

Ok, last topic and biggest. When I did my most recent physical they did one of those poop cancer screening tests. It came back inconclusive. So they sent me to a specialist who did a deep dive (IE stuck some scope up my asshole). He found three polyps that were suspicious so he wanted to have them removed. Just did that yesterday. I was trying to avoid having my parents hear the C word. So when I told them what I was going in for I just told them a cyst needs to be removed. I wasn’t expecting them to bring my mo back into the waiting room while the doctor explained everything. Which was very annoying. So she heard all the cancer talk, etc.

We had to arrive at 5am and the procedure was at 7am. So for those two hours my mom kept trying to talk to me about family history and shit. Which was just annoying. I am tired, I’m stressed, I’m scared, and TBH I’m alone. I don’t want to fucking hear about some Mexican that we’re apparently related too from 500 years ago.

The whole thing really upset me cause I had no one who cared about me to come visit, to take me to the hospital to sit there with me. We got home from the procedure and my dad didn’t ask anything. Didn’t ask how it went, didn’t ask how I felt, etc. At one point I was sleeping on the couch and they brought home groceries, my dad’s comment was “don’t worry, we can get it all”. Ok asshole, I literally just got cut open, I’m dead to the world on drugs. WTF you want me to do?

Ok and last topic for real, it’s really upsetting that I cannot find a fucking boyfriend/husband! WTF is wrong with me. 🙁

I had an amazing time at SF Pride. I was really not looking forward to going, so few of my “friends” had expressed interest in hanging out. But it turned out to be amazing. Each day I was there was packed and I honestly was kinda rushing between events.

Saturday I met Jay and James for brunch. Typical brunch and was nice to see them. After that I went back to the hotel to meet this boy which was AWK AF. From there we went to Mr S Leather party.

That was fun. Saw Hugo and his husband there and some other random people. Some guy came up to me and said he followed me on instagram and I was “the most interesting gay he knows”.

From there, dinner and mahjong with kellie. was good too see him again.

Sunday, Nancy Pelosi breakfast, walk in parade, some after parties, Zedd.

Was a packed and fun weekend. Made me fall in love with the city again and of course lots of matches on tinder and messages on grindr.

On the flight back this random guy from Costa Rica messaged me about my boat. He seems very interesting.

Let’s see what happens with life.

I had a lot of emotional stuff to write, but now I am in a rush.

Well I’ve been here a few weeks now and as usual it’s a stressful mess. Living with the parents is annoying.

Dad randomly decided not to sell the house. We were sitting here having breakfast one morning and he just said “I’ve decided not to sell the house”. No discussion with mother, no input from anyone else. Just he decided. HIs reasoning is correct, they don’t know where they are going. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE. I could have told you that a year ago! We were sitting here one night and mom was saying TX or WA. Dad was saying GA or TN. They need to at least agree on a fucking STATE first. And they are never going to find a place like this anywhere, no matter how much money they spend.

The other night they had a MASSIVE blow up about not having any towels in the bathroom. Like yelling, screaming, door slamming for nearly an hour. About fucking TOWELS. They can walk 10′ to the fucking laundry room and there’s 100 towels there. Then one day the painters were here and had every door in the house open cause they were painting them. It was a nice day, not too hot and mom decided to turn off the AC while they had the doors open. Again dad had a massive blow up screaming at her about it. This coming from the guy that when we were kids would NEVER turn on the AC until it was like 100F outside.

Lalo hasn’t said a word still. I drove by his work the other day and cried. I haven’t seen him on Grindr, so who knows what his deal is.

I am going back to SF for pride and honestly second guessing it. All my “friends” are too busy to meet up. Charles isn’t interested in catching up. The only people who have made time are Jay & James and Kellie. What am I gonna do with the rest of my time. I said last year that there wasn’t anything left in SF for me. And this again really solidifies that. I dunno why I was hopeful that this time would go better.

Still no updates on boat at all. My broker is really pissing me off. I think he’s a fucking liar. He keeps saying he’s “working” on someone but how long does it take to work on someone to get it sold. I am really wishing I had left it in fucking Charleston now. I sent my 90 days notice to terminate my agreement with them but he hasn’t replied to that. He doesn’t reply to my txt messages half the time. It’s fucking annoying.

I just still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life right now. I just want this boat sold so that I can move forward with SOMETHING. Anything at this point.

I don’t know my own feelings right now. I honestly just randomly break out crying.

I did a little update video the other day and I had to do 3 takes just to get one that was half decent and even that one, I started bawling at the end.

Am I sad? Why am I sad?
Am I scared? What am I scared about?
Is it joy? Then why am I crying?

I just have no fucking clue what is going on with me right now. I’m sad this is coming to an end, but then I also say I cannot wait for it to end. I’m sad because my parents are selling our house, I’m sad cause I miss my grandparents. I’m sad because I’m single and lonely

I’m scared because of the unknown, What’s next? What does this trip have in store for us. I’m scared cause I don’t want another terrifying crossing. I’m scared cause I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I am doing next.

I’m feeling joy because of the amazing thing I’ve seen. I cannot believe the expereicen I’ve had over the past two years. I feel joy because of the amazing friend who came to visit me and supported me. I feel joy because I’ve accomplished something so amazing.

I feel lonely.

I feel powerless.

I feel helpless.

I’m excited and sad as fuck to go back to the USA. I can’t wait for this to end, but I don’t want it to end.

In less then 10 days (I hope). I’ll be back on a dock in annapolis. I’ll be packing the boat up for the last time (I hope). I’ll be driving across country, back to Iowa. To see my family and my dog. But I’m still crushed and sad that I won’t be excited to get back there to lalo.

And then what, will the boat sell? Will I be done with it, or will there be more to come? Where do I go? What do I do?

How do I even start another chapter in life now.

I mean seriously. If that wasn’t a good candidate for a long term, what is? From the start, things were great. He texted me, he was kind, he cared about my day. Sure there were some small things that weren’t perfect. But overall things were amazing. I was happy, I felt secure in what we had and what we were working towards.

his good mornings, his good nights were consistent. His “how was your day?”, his actual interest in hearing about it.

Then suddenly, I’m the one demanding he text apparently? I never once pushed him to text me, never once gave him shit or complained if he didn’t.

and then gone. “time to move on”.

Everything I felt, invalidated.
My hopes for the summer, shattered.
Daily happiness, disappeared.

IF this wasn’t what a good relationship was, then what is?

if this wasn’t meant to be something better. Where is it then?

I don’t get it.