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My Life

Love Letter to myself

My therapist says I should write a love letter to myself.. I’ve started on it a few times but can never seem to get anywhere. I just don’t know what to write.

Charles and I hung out yesterday, we did a quick hike. He’s such a cute, sweet guy but I just get friends vibes from him which is a bit disappointing. He is also doing the same shit Suresh did where he just doesn’t reply to text messages, etc. I want to ask him but it doesn’t really matter does it? I see that he’s active on Instagram but he ignored my message there. He ignores my texts… I see his phone he has thousands of unread messages… So I’m just lost in the mess I guess.

I know that to have a relationship, I have to focus on being friends with that person first… But I just can’t do that for some reason. I go out a few times, I get attached (lust?) and I just want to be “BF’s”. I just can’t seem to get that transition down from going to being nothing to begin friends to being boy friends. I also can’t just seem to be “just friends” with these people. The only people who seem to see the real me and want to be with me are people who are already fucking married.

I’ve realized that was a huge downfall between me and Darin actually. I was mean to him, pushed him away because my feelings for him were getting too strong. I want to text him and apologize but every time I write something it comes out too self centered. I feel like I should just write him and say “I’m sorry for what happened”. But I always feel it needs more context and explanation. Is “I’m sorry” enough?

We had our first dinner party the other night. Derik, Mark and Mark. I felt it was super awkward. Like is this really what we are doing in life? Is this what is fun for people? I dunno. We sat on the roof and chatted and drank, then came down and had dinner and just sat around the dinner table talking. There was lots of awkward silence and stuff and I guess the one Mark (who my friend Mark brought) was just not into it? They did convince me to buy tickets to this circuit party this weekend but I just don’t know if I want to go or not. It’s not really my thing but I do want to experience it.

Do I love myself? I’m not even sure. What is and what is not fun for me? I am not even sure I know that right now. I watch these videos of people online who moved to Mexico during the pandemic. They talked yesterday in the video about how they have spent the last 15 years traveling to the same spot over and over again because they loved it so much. Now they live there… Is there somewhere like that for me? What do I love so much that I want to do it over and over again? Honestly, nothing. I don’t even love camping that much, I don’t love hiking that much… What DO I love so much that I WANT to do it over and over? Am I even really any good at anything? Sure I can get a lot of stuff done but I’m not GOOD at stuff. I’m not an expert at anything really. I’m just mediocre in life, failure in dating, and not even sure I am a fun person.

I want to message people like Humberto who said they rejected me because I “achieved too much” and they can’t stand up next to me and be like, “LOOK, I’m just a failure, I am just here being boring”. I’m not too much for you. You can be my partner and I’ll be super happy.

All I want in life is someone to be there for me, someone to cook with, someone to be happy with sitting on the couch watching movies, someone to go out hiking with and camping, someone to go sailing. I just want that person I can count on who I can plan trips with.

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My Life

Hi Chris. :)

Boys and boys. Always about the boys and confusing as always.

Things have been busy since I got back from sailing. Work has been work as usual and this stupid project is just not getting what I want done. I am honestly just so over it at this point. We delayed the project yet again so that we could get upgraded to BC18 which would have been a huge improvement over what we have now but then our consultant basically said that wasn’t going to be possible at all. So now we need to either move back to the original timeline or we need to keep the current timeline. I really do not like the current timeline as it’s scheduled to go live in December which causes a lot of problems for me time wise.

Speaking of December, I am going back to Iowa of course and so I texted Suresh about spending some time at his place and hanging out. He said he had to “ask his roommate” but he hasn’t gotten back to me since then. I also was REALLY drunk Saturday night and texted him: “I really miss cuddling”. His reply: “I’m sure you can find a good cuddler in Oakland”. WTF. Not, “I miss cuddling too” or anything like that. ::rolls eyes::

Rav texted me and invited me to some asian dance party and also to a circuit party. I told him I would be interested in both but for the asian dance party I wouldn’t know until saturday depending on how tired I am. He said something else and I jokingly said: “why, if I don’t come are you going to invite another hookup”. He hasn’t replied to me since. He was also in oakland yesterday and no message. So whatever. I honestly feel a bit used by him. Before my sailing class he was all about hanging out multiple times per week, he was initiating hanging out, etc. In my opinion he was the one who was pushing it more towards romantic/sexual, etc. Then we had sex and now he wants to be “just friends”. Was the sex bad or something? I would love to go to the things with him but I just can’t stand by and watch him like fuck or make out with other people. I don’t want to be the guy at the bar who’s trying to get with him and he keeps running away to someone else. I’m not that desperate. For the circuit party he said “My friends ditched me” which makes me feel like I”m just the backup plan anyway.

I had a date with Mark which was nice. He’s a nice guy and we had a good time. He’s going to come over today and we are going to go for a hike… But he told me he is moving to San Francisco. I am sure once he moves there things will change and he will not want to hang out any more.

Charles is the big one here, we have hung out three times since I got back from sailing. I am honestly not sure what is going on at all though. First we met Thursday and went to this DJ thing in SF, it was super chill, we sat next to each other on the couch, had drinks, listed to the DJ and just had a good time. Then we met Saturday and he brought his best friend Eric with him. This was SUPER awk. I invited Derik as well so that we could be a foursome instead of having Eric feel like a third wheel. But it was clear AS SOON as they got there that Eric was either not happy or something was up. He was very stand offish, mean, not willing to have a conversation about anything at all. We all got Viet food and then went back to our apartment so they could see it. We got back and Derik went into his room to hide or something so it was just the three of us in the living room area.

At this point, I just wanted them to leave honestly. I didn’t want CHARLES to leave but I wanted this Eric guy to leave. So I purposely tried to make it very awk. Eric was just… I’m not even sure how to explain it… So Charles and I sat on the couch and Eric sat at the kitchen table having a drink. FINALLY they decided to go to some bar here in Oakland that Charles’ aunt owns and I was like “Ok, have fun”. But then Charles invited me to come along. So I went, why not?

We got to the bar and Eric was still super weird, he just sat there silently, I tried to talk to him and he would give me one word answers. Charles and I chatted here and there but it was just strange. We had a lot of drinks, some free shots, and I got very drunk… We walked back to the apartment around 11pm and I said goodnight to them.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about Charles or what is going on with him at this point. He totally ghosted me. (come to find out it’s because some other guy was into him or something. I didn’t get the whole story). Now he’s back and hanging out but we haven’t kissed or anything yet, just hugs so far.

Sunday, I was in Vallejo all day long. I texted Charles as I was leaving and he invited me to come have dinner with him at work. So I drove over there, bought dinner from this place down the street and then we sat outside and ate. I mean this is the sort of thing I want, “Hey, I’m passing by you”; “Come have dinner with me”. That’s exactly the sort of reply I want out of someone, not “I’m sure you can find a good cuddler in oakland”.

But I’m not even sure if Charles is remotely interested or just a “friends only” type thing. I also don’t know if I should bring it up yet or not. I mean we’ve had sex multiple times before as hookups… Then he disappeared now it’s like we’re back at ground zero but as dating/friends? I want to just ask him, “what are we doing”. I want to be clear about the expectations. I’m fine if he wants to be JUST FRIENDS but I want to know now. I don’t want this to end up another Suresh or Rav situation.

We made plans to go hike on Thursday.

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My Life

Sailing.

Spent the last week having an amazing time. Learning to sail was so much fun and I am hooked. I cannot wait to do it again. There’s a lot of stress though with learning something new and something that can potentially go wrong. But I really had a great time. The whole trip was just nothing but happiness and excitement.

But of course, it ended poorly. Rav and I had sex (first time after 5 dates) before I left for the trip, we had a good time, we talked about hanging out more, he said he would miss me while I was gone. We texted every day I was gone. Thursday I messaged him and asked when we were going to hang out again. He replied “let’s plan something”. I told him I got back on Saturday at 1pm and was free saturday night or any evening this week. No reply… No reply… No reply… Sunday I message him at 5am cause I couldn’t sleep. He was still awake which was surprising. He told me he had just got back from the bars… I said, “what no invite?” he said he “got the days confused”… I asked him if he was just not interested any more. He replied with: “Yeah, I’m just looking for something casual and I’m not looking to commit or anything serious right now. I’m not ready to be in another relationship yet. I’m taking this time to know myself and figure out what I want to do”… Ok, that’s fine. I’m cool with casual with him. But Jesus. And then, no reply since then. So I assume that it’s not that he doesn’t want something casual, he just doesn’t want anything at all with me. So of course, what was an amazing trip, ended with a let down.

Suresh and I chatted a bit yesterday, that was nice. Charles messaged me on instagram about something, we were talking about what had been going on, so I just switched to text message. No reply from him there. I seriosuly DO NOT understand these guys.

I am also super down about what’s going on with the fucking friends/etc. Now that I know how to sail, I really want to plan some big trips, invite 8 or 10 people to go along. But I don’t even know 8 or 10 people at this point that would want to or be able to go even. I was super excited cause Rav and I talked bout it, he said he was down, wanted to go, the reddit boys would love to go.. etc etc. Now he won’t even reply to me any more.

Like what’s the point of learning to sail, what’s the point of doing this stuff if I can’t even get anyone to be my friend, to hang out with me, to want to date me. I told Suresh that I wish I could be more like him in the sense that he just don’t give a fuck. I wish I could just not give a fuck, be happy just sitting home watching tv all day, not doing anything. Cause seriously, what am I going to do in 10 years? Still be single and alone, have no one to go anywhere with.

I need more female or straight male friends. Fuck the gays.

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My Life

A new chapter begins

Well, I’m moved into the new place with Derik in Oakland. I new chapter in my life is begining. I am going to be more free, more happy, spend more time doing volunteer work. Etc.

Friday night we went out with Derik, Rav and some of their friends. I don’t know any of them really but it was super fun. We went to Beuax in SF and I got SUPER drunk. Rav and I danced all night, made out and just had a great time. There was some other guy there that kept trying to hit on Rav but he kept coming back to me. 🙂 Got home around 2:30am and just crashed. Woke up the next morning and I went back to Vallejo and just crashed and chilled all day. After Derik got off work we came back to Oakland and moved all his stuff into the new place. Got done around 10;30 and I went back to vallejo.

Woke up Sunday morning and got the uhaul and moved all my stuff. Mark stopped by while we were moving into the new Oakland place and that was amazing to see him. He brought some pastries and helped us move a few things. After he left we just spent the rest of the day putting the apartment together and getting stuff done around here. I’m honestly shocked how quickly it all came together and it looks so cute! We were doe by 6 and then went and got dinner.

Suresh replied to my story on instagram with a “clapping” emoji. I am not sure how to reply to that or even if I should.

I am moving on, I am growing and doing better. I am happier here so far. I am looking forward to hosing dinner parties, board game nights, and just enjoying the new place. I cannot wait for things to come and I sure hope that this is the right thing to do.

I still have so much stuff at the old place and I’m not sure what to do with it, TBH. I am not sure I will own another house for a while, I sort of want to just explore and be free.

A new chapter… Here we go.

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My Life

ALC, Dates, Moveeeee!

Friday night I had another date with Rav, this is the second date we had (first was at Hamilton). We went and saw the movie Reminiscence . It was MUCH better then I expected. We had a good time and then went back to his place after. He’s SUPPPPER skinny, like skin and bones. But has a nice dick. 🙂 We jerked off and made out and then I went home. We are trying to setup a third date here soon. Honestly though I am not sure I see anything in him.. I will have to really decide soon though cause I don’t want to lead him on.

Did a really awesome ride on Saturday with this ALC group called Bad Business Model Bikes. They take donated bikes, fix them up and then give them out for free to people who can’t afford bikes or who want to do ALC and can’t buy a bike. I love what they are doing and joined their ALC team! There’s 10 of us on the team so far. Hopefully it will grow. The ride was a super sweet 37 miles and I was pretty much leading the whole time. I loooooved it. I can’t wait to get out and do more rides.

I’ve also reached my $5,000 goal already (in only 5 days!!!). I am so grateful for everyone who has donated and am debating if I want to push my goal to $10,000 or not…

I texted all my friends the link to donate. A lot of them donated and I am so grateful that they did.. Except for ONE person. Jason, I sent him the link and his only reply was “Glad my spam filter is working”; Then a few hours later he said: “Look at that. A 65% increase in just a few hours. Good work.”.. Can he be any more of a jerk? Like is that really the way you are going to reply to your “friend”. I am so done with him. Hopefully this one will stick.

After the ride Derik and I met up with one of the guys from the group at the Vallejo Gay bar. Had a good time but the guy was SUPER leftist. Also he was Mexican but refused to admit he was Mexican and just kept saying he was “native”.

Sunday got up and went to Oakland and did some furniture shopping, found a really nice desk for the new apartment and also ordered all the desk supplies that I’ll need for the new place. Came home after that and just lounged around, took a nap. Had a guy come over and we had some of the hottest sex I’ve had in a long time.. I came three times! He’s pretty hot and seems fun (aka naughty). I hope we can have more fun again. But he is def NOT dating material, he’s way too anal-clean (he used THREE sheets of the lint roller) and he smokes. 🙁

I still think about Suresh a bit, but things are calming down. I don’t obsess over him any more. I still wish he would text or call and I sometimes wonder if I will ever hear from him again. I did have a dream the other night that he showed up at my front door, saying he had decided to move back but his parents kicked him out. He needed a place to stay. I still don’t get how his text to me said: “You were the first person I thought about.” But then, clearly he hasn’t thought about me since then much. I have really had to hold back on texting him. I see stuff that I really want to send him but then I don’t.

I’m really excited about the move to Oakland… I’ve already sold two of my 6 trailers and just debating what to do with the rest of them. Honestly I think at this point, I value my TIME more then I do the money that they are bringing in. The headaches of these stupid people who pick them up too just adds stress that I don’t really need any more in my life. I will probably just sell all 6 of the trailers and be done with the business. The BIG question that I just can’t get over/decide on is what to do with my house…. I really just want to sell it and again be DONE with it. But at the same time. I sort of want to have this fall back place in case Oakland doesn’t work out or whatever. I also look around the house and think to myself, WTF do I do with all this STUFF. I have been selling a lot of it, but still there’s a lot of other stuff left.