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My Life

Happy Birthday Danny P

Whoever you are!
Today is Danny’s Birthday, back in the year 2000 I was going to college at SDSU (South Dakota State University) in Madison, SD and trying to figure out who the fuck I was. I was chatting in these gay chat rooms online and met this guy Danny from PA. We chatted nearly every day and eventually moved to talking on the phone for hours and hours. I “loved” him, he “loved” me. I’m pretty sure he was a catfish. He only ever sent me three pictures ( 01, 02, 03). We talked about going to college together at PA State. I applied cause I wanted to get the fuck out of SD and to be with him. I got accepted. But I never went… I still wonder sometime, who was this guy, where is he now? What would have happened if I HAD gone to PA State? Pasta also went to Pa state at the same time. Would we have met back in college?

Other things are OK, still single AF, still working my job from home. I’m fully vaccinated now which is great.

I have a lot of other stuff to write about but just no energy now to do it though. Also WordPress is F#$*ed up.

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My Life

I’m going to be single forever.

Seriously, I have been feeling pretty good for the start of 2021. I met this cute guy named Vu, we’ve been hanging out, going on dates, spending weekends together. Etc etc. Two weeks ago we went to Los Angeles, had a great time (I thought). It was valentines weekend, I make him homemade ramen, we took super cute sunset pictures, etc.
The following weekend after that he only had “two” days off work. He’s a nurse working 12 hour days and he said he needed to just stay home and get some stuff done. Ok, no big deal. He said “let’s hang out next weekend”. Sounds great. I suggested that we try to go to Yosemite this weekend and that I would try to get us tickets. He said: “What if you don’t get tickets” and I said “we can find something else to do, hike, kayak, whatever we can figure it out”. He said, sounds great. I thought we had a weekend planned.
Well his last day of work was Wed. So I told him Thursday afternoon, why don’t you just come here this afternoon and hang out, I am done with work at 11am tomorrow and we can get started on our weekend. He said something like “well I’m just tired, I”m going to stay home tonight”. Friday morning comes, we texted a little bit first thing in the morning, I sent him a message at 8;30 and he didn’t reply until 6:20pm. He said: “Hi Chris. Hope you day goes well. Sorry I have a change of plan and my coworkers have a pass to Yosemite and invite me to come this weekend. So I can’t come up your way tomorrow.”.
Seriously? WTF? I’m over it.
I don’t get it, _I_ think I’m a catch. I have a house, I make decent money, I like to be adventurous, travel, I cook, I do woodworking, I landscape, I think I’m pretty cute. But yet no one fucking wants me. It seems like everyone else has bf or something. Here I am single AF. Just sitting here with astra. I can’t even seem to get friends to want to do anything with me.
In other news, things are going ok. I am going to go back to Iowa in June to do some work on the apartment building. My cruise for April was cancelled, which is REALLY annoying. I’m debating what to do with my house in LA. I’m about 75% sure I want to sell it. I would clear about $650k from it which means I could get a mortgage in the $3-4m range. Just debating what to do with that cash. Stretch myself and buy a $3.5m building, or buy a $1.5-2m building and put like 50% down and have a nice cash flow right off the bat. Honestly I ask myself what’s the bother a lot of the time. I am working my ass off to try and build this wealth but for what. I can’t seem to get anyone to like me. I have no children. What’s the point of my fucking life. I sit here with my dog and do nothing else. The older I get the less I feel my dreams will come true. I don’t want to be retired and single, old and alone.

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My Life

A month in Iowa.

Been feeling very melancholy lately. I’ve spent the last month at home with the parents and it’s been weird/sad being back here for so long. Lots of reasons really.
First, I sort of miss this lifestyle, the quiet country, being able to just walk around anywhere and not worry about drugs or dirty streets, going out to the lake and letting the dog run every night, Not having annoying neighbors to deal with. Etc etc. It’s been very boring though TBH because of COVID and what not we haven’t gone anywhere. I saw my cousin/aunt once the whole time. Grandma came up for a week and that was nice to see her. Not going to get to see my other grandma cause yesterday was icy roads.
Second, Mom has been on this clearing out/cleaning spree while I’ve been here. She has all this stuff, family things, antiques, quilts, etc etc. And it makes me sad that we have no one to pass it down too. My brother and I have no kids, so who’s going to take all this stuff. I am taking some stuff back with me now but then like when I die, who’s going to take this! It will just be garbage to them, which is so sad. Also we took down the Christmas tree yesterday and we all agreed that it’s too big and we just wanted to get rid of it. But at the same time, we’ve had that tree almost my entire life! It’s a staple in our house and it’s sad that we won’t ever have it again. I also went through my room and tossed a bunch of pictures of old BF’s, my daily planners from High school, college paperwork, etc. Which oddly makes me sad too. Like the HS planners, why am I even keeping those!? I won’t ever look at them again.
Third, mom and Grandma are both not doing well physically. Grandma has lots of eye problems and now mom is getting hip replacement surgery. On Christmas day she was feeling bad and went to the ER room. Like WTF am I going to do when I get to that age?! Who’s going to help take care of me. Dad has been driving back and forth to get grandma for her DR appts.
And then of course the last and biggest thing, my family fucking loves Calvin and even after all these years they keep saying things like “Oh, i really hope you two get back together”; and then when I say: “well, it’s been 4 years and we haven’t seen each other once, so I highly doubt that will ever happen”; They say things like: “well, once COVID is over you two should just meet up”. Yeah, I’d love that but who knows if HE wants that. Like nearly everyone in my family keeps pushing that and as much as I’d love to meet up and see what happens, I don’t know that will ever happen. Maybe it would be good to have that meeting and see, but how do I mention it to him. Derik and I are going on that gay cruise and I told calvin: “You should book it and come” but I doubt he would/will.
In OTHER news, I am closing on my first apartment building tomorrow. Actually closing on TWO buildings at the same time. An 8-plex and a duplex! Scary/exciting at the same time. I’m sort of freaking the fuck out, TBH.
Leave here on Thursday to head back to SF. Not looking forward to the drive but honestly looking forward to being back in my own house.

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My Life

“You want to go out”

Said no one ever…. I honestly don’t get it. Clearly there is something wrong with me. Every Friday night, I sit at home alone doing nothing. Just watch TV, jerk off, go to bed. No one ever calls me and says “hey, you want to go out”; “hey you want to meet up with me and my friends”. Yet, I see people all the time on instgram going out with friends, hanging out at Dolores, going to bars, going out to eat. ETc etc. I’ve never had people/friends do this.
Back when I was in LA, I would go out all the time. I would have dinner parties, I would go climbing and hiking with a group of people. But _I_ was always the one to organize it. After a while, I got tired of being the only organizer, so I sat back, slowed down organizing things. Did any of those people ever invite me out to do something? NO. They continued going out, going climbing and hiking but they just NEVER invited me.
Jason and Darin, they would go out all the time. My two “best friends” would go out. Never get invited to go out. All these guys I meet, hang out with, talk with here in SF. Not one ever invites me and says “hey, do you want to hang out with me and my friends”.
I honestly don’t get it.

In other news, I’m so fucking over this election shit. It’s been 5 days now, they are still doing 24/7 news coverage and going through scenarios. No one can seem to call it. I honestly feel at this point it’s just a ploy by the entire media system to fuck with us all and just drag this shit out. THere’s more than enough votes to call it. Nationally Biden has 4,000,000 MORE VOTES than trump. He should be the fucking PRESIDENT. I’m also REALLY disappointed that Mcconnel, Graham, Ernst all held onto their seats.
I just don’t understand how the fuck 50% of America voted for this fucking idiot. It’s entirely disappointing.

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My Life

A haphazard post.

Not really sure what to write but I feel like I need a life update here… Things have been very up and down this whole COVID staying home is, as I’ve said, really wearing on me. Also I keep finding out more and more people are in relationships/married and it’s making me depressed. I keep thinking back to the last post and what could have been. Alan hasn’t replied since I left OR and I mean you know everything else.
Derik and I keep talking and he keeps telling me about these dates he’s going on but then he called me this past weekend that i need to be his “fake bf” so that this one guy will leave him alone. I don’t understand why we can’t be real bf’s? I mean, what’s wrong with me?
I have been going on a few dates here and there, socially distanced of course. I met this one guy Bryan who lives in Oakland, we went out on two dates and both times I was really struggling with keeping things moving forward and keeping things we can talk about. But each time he always says “I really enjoyed hanging out with you”.
The whole Jason thing is still annoying me too.
I’ve been matching like crazy with guys on Tinder lately and lots of CUTE guys too. But they always seem to be “too far” away or something and we never meet or we meet once and nothing, etc. I just want to feel that spark again though, like I felt with Calvin back in the day. I want to build that feeling back again but I am just wondering if I even have that left inside me. Can I even still love someone the same way again.
Work has been work, my project is finally kicking off AFTER NEARLY THREE YEARS of promising it to happen. But things move so slowly in this company that they are talking a JULY 1st go live. I feel like we can do it much faster than that because we are already pretty comfortable with NAV. I’m also really concerned if I will even have this job still in 2 or 3 more years.
At this point, I just want to SELL my house in LA, use the funds to buy 4 or 5 duplexes somewhere and that should really just set me up for life.
Derik and I booked a week long live aboard in Bora Bora for April. I’m super excited about that. I am also going to try and be more active in the “gay” outdoor groups in SF.
I have a date tonight with this guy, he seems nice and cute enough in his pics but we will see.
Election day is in 8 days… I CANNOT fucking wait for this election cycle to be over. I hope to god that come Wed morning we see the headlines; “McConnell OUT; Graham OUT; Ernst OUT; TRUMP OUT!”

Again, I feel like I don’t have much to say so this was very haphazard post.