Just got back from an amazing trip with Charles… But my fucking anxiety is on high alert and I’m having a really tough time handling it.
But let’s step back a hot minute… So last weekend Derik, Charles and I all went out to some bar for a drunken movie night. It was a fun time and we all hangout. Apparently at some point during the evening, Derik and Charles added each other on instagram. I had no idea about this. At another point, Derik was telling Charles about my blog. (Which derik has never seen but knows exists). I gave him a nasty look at that point because I def don’t want Charles knowing about this and what I write here.
Anyway, on Sunday Charles was at the wedding and Derik was messaging him on instagram. Due to all the shit that’s gone down between me and Jason regarding guys I’m into, I asked Derik not to message him directly. He seemed fine with it but apparently he wasn’t. On Monday evening, Derik and I went for a walk around Oakland, he was completely ignoring me when I tried talking to him about stuff. So I pushed him and was like “What’s wrong with you” blah blah blah. Well at that point he BLEW UP at me. HE started off by going off on me about how apparently I hound him that he leaves cabinet doors open all the time, then I said something like “Jesus fuck is that what you’re upset about”.. And he started screaming at me now because apparently I cussed at him and he won’t have “white boys” cussing at him. Wtf.
So we went our own way and when I got back to the apartment he was walking out. Wouldn’t even talk to me. The next evening we had a chat and apparently part of the problem was that he was upset that I asked him not to chat with Charles. Ever since then things have been off and he hasn’t been texting, he barely talks to me, etc etc. I was afraid something like this would happen when we moved in together. Honestly I think that there’s a lot more too it. But I cannot talk to him seriously about things because he blows up so easily and refuses to express any sort of emotions.
So yeah… THere’s that and now there’s Charles. He and his BFF had dinner on Wed and apparently his BFF expressed that he is in love with him… I’ve known since the first time I met his BFF that there was something more to it. But Charles refused to admit that anything was up with it. I haven’t got the whole story about it but it makes me anxious about what could happen. Charles says he has no interest in his BFF and I can only accept and trust that right now… but this will come in play later.
Thursday the two of us went up to Mendocino for a quick weekend trip (well not really weekend). We drove up and stopped for some wine and cheese tasting on the way, then went to a couple beaches, watched the sunset. Ate dinner, went back to the hotel and finally for the first (since we started “dating”) had sex. It was great to be connected like that again finally.
Friday morning we got up, went to this skunk river cycling thing which was amazing (but cold). back to the hotel, napped, went out for dinner, back to hotel and just cuddled and watched a movie and went to sleep.
This morning we woke up, showered, came home… I love that whenever we’re in the car he is holding my hands, lying his head on my shoulder, etc etc. It’s perfect and exactly what I want. He’s such a great guy, so sweet, we have similar music tastes, we get along pretty well. There are def things that _I_ do that I can tell will annoy the shit out of him and I hope they are not deal breakers.
But the big problem, I always make these self-sabotaging jokes… And I HAVE to stop with him because he won’t have it. I made one just as we were saying goodbye and I feel like shit now for it. I want to call him and appoligize right away, but I don’t know how or what to say exactly. Plus he’s busy at work. What happened is that I have this picture of him saved in his contacts and he said “I can’t believe you have the picture” and I said “Why not, it’s super cute”. He said something like, “You don’t want people to think you have a retarded friend”.. and I said “Ohh, friend huh, interesting choice of words”… he said “well what do you want me to say” and at that point. I wanted to say, “I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND”. But I didn’t, I just said, “well, I just don’t want to end up like your BFF”… Ugh that was such the wrong thing to say to him.
The other thing that gives me major anxiety is when I say things like “I’ll miss you” and he’s just silent. Or we were in the car on the ride back and I said: “I really had an amazing trip his weekend.” he said “me too”. then I said, “I look forward to a lot more trips with you”… silence. What does that mean? Does he not want more trips with me… does he not miss me.
I also know he’s clearly still active on grindr. Last week at some point I saw on his phone his grindr app had 4 notifications. Today he was scrolling and I saw grindr and it had 2 notifications. So he’s clearly still chatting with guys on there. It just really makes me go crazy. I’ve deleted the apps, I’m focusing on him. I wish he would do the same. But maybe he is waiting for me to say something. Is he just waiting for us to make it “official”.
This weird middle part of dating is so confusing and so stressful. The early days are stressful enough but now this is even more so. Like I want to be more then just a date/time filler for him. I want to be “official” but it’s way too early for that, I think?
I don’t want to be broken hearted again… I don’t want to be MORE jaded then I already am. I want to end this year and say: “wow. I have a boyfriend”. But I know I can’t control it. I just have to let it ride and see where it goes. I’m hoping for so much more.