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My Life

Treat me better.

I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I need to treat myself better. I need to expect more from the people I hang out with.

Friday night Suresh came over and we did our normal hang out. But for once he actually asked me how my day was, how work was! I Made him the short ribs, cuddled on the couch, then we went out to the local gay bar. We both drank a lot, we had a ton of fun. Sat there and watched the band, laughed, chatted. Had a great time. We came home and he said he “wanted” to spend the night but forgot something at home. He said he would come spend the night Monday night.

During dinner we were talking and he asked, “so do you have a blog”. I told him yes, told him what it was for and why I keep it. I wonder if he reads it, (Hi?).

On the drive home, we were really talking about stuff. We talked a bit about attachment theory, I came clean and told him that I am an anxious attachment style. I told him that I thought he was avoidant.

Anyway, Saturday I got up early and headed out with Derik to Paso Robles. Suresh texted me a bit that morning and then I told him to go to my house and eat the left overs (around 9am). He didn’t reply again until late that night. Again we had a little chat and then I said goodnight and of course no reply.

Who knows what he was doing all day, out delivering? out on grindr dates? who Cares

Derik and I had a fun time on Saturday but I was def in a mood. This is the problem, Suresh puts me in a mood. I think he knows that, I think he’s playing with me. I think it’s all a game.

I messaged Suresh on the drive home Sunday morning around 10am. He didn’t reply until around 8pm that night. Derik saw him on Grindr during that time, so clearly he was on his phone, he was home (trying to fuck/hookup?). Why can’t you fucking reply to me? Why can’t he say, “have a nice drive home” or “when are you home tonight?”. Why can’t any of these guys say: “I want to see you, I want to hang out with you”

So this is the point. IF you’re not going to treat me with respect, fuck it. I am done trying to reach out and be nice to you. I give you so much Suresh, I care so much, I give you everything I can, I give and give and you give me NOTHING in return. You couldn’t even fulfill the request for milk bomb ice cream. You are out and about, you drive home from SF past Berkley daily. You couldn’t stop real quick and pick some up? I went out of my fucking way to buy you short ribs, to spend 8 hours making them for you. I spent hours and hours the week before to make you carnitas.

Give me what I deserve in return or get out of my life. I’m not just here for your convenience, for when you’re bored. I’m not just a place for you to get out of the house for the evening.

His message to me on Sunday was that he was a secure attachment style. I had sent him the link to the test. Honestly, that made me even more upset. So he’s just treating me like shit for what? For fun? We talked for a few exchanges, just general how was your day, “Lazy day” he says. Lazy day chatting up guys on grindr apparently. I told him, “goodnight, see you tomorrow”. No reply. His communication is shit. How hard is it to say “goodnight” back to someone? He never does.

Then this morning Vu messages me. I haven’t heard from him since he ditched me to go to Yosemite with his friends last minute way back in February. He says he wants to hang out again. Honestly, fuck that too.

Charles still also hasn’t replied in a week. I messaged him this morning: “You don’t owe me anything, but can you explain what I did to deserve to be ghosted”. He will never reply either.

Mark messaged me today as well, saying he is coming back Aug 21st. Saying he is excited to see me again. I replied to him and said: “I’m excited to see you too, but I am not just a sex object. I want to hang out as friends and do other stuff together”. He said he was was looking forward to that.

I am an amazing guy, I am sweet, I am caring, I will give you everything that I can, I can give you the world. I will cook for you, I will care for you, I will hold you when you have a bad day. I will plan fun things for us to do together. I will look at you with love and caring and treat you with respect.

When I’m gone from your life, you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss everything I give for you. Maybe you’ll realize it, maybe not.

So fuck these guys who can’t see that. Someone will see it some day.

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My Life

My life on repeat

I found this post from 2006
I feel like this is an exact copy of a conversation that Suresh and I could be having. If only he would open up about his feelings. He is so guarded and not wanting to talk.

He texted me on Tuesday asking if I wanted to hang out again. I would have loved too but I already had plans with Derik. So we made plans for Wed, he came over after work and we just cuddled on the couch for a while and talked. I asked him again what exactly he wants out of this, he said just friends. He doesn’t want to make out, fuck, jerk off. He doesn’t want to stay over every night. I told him that’s fine, I just wanted to be clear about where we were. I asked him about the other guy he had a crush on. He told me it didn’t work out because things were not “progressing”. I wanted to scream at him. You have a great guy you’re cuddling with RIGHT NOW who wants to progress, who cares about you so much. Who wants to see you succeed.

We watched our show, we cuddled. He pulls me in tight when we cuddle. He holds my hand the whole time. I kiss the back of his head. AT about 9:45 he fell asleep while cuddling. I woke him up and told him it was time to go. He laid there a bit more and fell asleep again. I woke him up and said “my bed or your bed, but it’s time for bed.” We laid there a bit more, he fell asleep again. I felt like he wanted ME to say “go get your toothbrush and stay”. But I wasn’t going too. I want HIM to make some decisions.

He left around 10:30 and I went to bed. We have plans again on Friday. I am not going to text him before then. I am not going to text him.

I honestly don’t even know why I am so fucking into this guy. Like he’s pretty damn boring, not into the activities that I am into, never asks me about my day or how I am doing. Never gives me anything back. We had a deal, I would make him beef short ribs. He would bring me milk bomb ice cream. The short ribs are ready… Wheres my ice cream?

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My Life

A post of many topics.

The past week has been super interesting…. Lots of stuff going on and not sure what to think about most of it.

I met up with Suresh the next day after he texted me. He said he was moving back to Iowa because he felt he had a better social life there. He missed his friends, his job, etc. We ended up walking around Benicia for hours, just talking about things. Discussing what happened over the past couple months between us. Then he came back to my place and ended up spending the night. That was nice. We just cuddled. Nothing happened.

USPS had also randomly reached out to me. We haven’t spoken in ages but he texted asking to hang out and have dinner. We met up for dinner and it was fine but kinda awk. He wants to hang out more, but honestly I am just not sure I am into that any more.

Saturday I had two dates and a rock climb with Rex. The first date as horrible, the guy was so boring. He hasn’t done anything in his life and he’s 36 years old. We had nothing to talk about. So it ended pretty quickly. Haven’t heard from him since. Rock climbing with Rex was fun, I sure suck. Ran into Patrick there who I haven’t seen since I left LA. I found it very awk to talk to him again honestly. I have a little resentment towards him in the fact that when I moved back to the Bay Area he never made any attempt to hang out after I reached out to him multiple times.

I was going to have a dinner date with Charles Saturday evening but he had been doing the whole non-reply thing and or not messaging me first, so I didn’t reach out to him that day. He finally messaged me late at night wanting to hang out, so I told him to just come over. We hung out, made out, talked. I told him that I wanted to be more then just a fuck buddy and I’d like to take him out on some dates and see how things go. He seemed into it, the next few days he was super chatty and texting things. Then on this past friday I messaged him a few times and haven’t heard a peep since. So maybe I did something to piss him off already? Who knows. He is in Palm Springs as of sunday, so I will chalk it up to “he’s busy there”, and if he messages, he messages. If not, then whatever.

Jason arrived here Monday and he was in a mood. I was not having it at all but I think things calmed down. We packed Tuesday to go camping. The camping trip was fun but the problem is that I think Jason wants more from me then just friends. And I do not want that with him. He has fucked me over way too much in the past, he lies to me, hides things from me, etc. We got back Friday and Derik met up with us. We all went out to some bar and had fun. Saturday morning we wake up and he’s being a total bitch again. I sort of went and did my own thing that morning and then around 10am I come into the bedroom and he’s bawling his eyes out saying he has to go to some hospital in San Jose because one of his friends dad’s is in the hospital. So I just took him to BART and haven’t heard a peep from him since.

Jason also was chatting with Suresh on Grindr. That really pissed me off. Makes me wonder how many guys Suresh is meeting up with. He’s super cute, very chatty/friendly and he’s such a sub that I feel like any guy who says “come over” he will come over and do whatever they want.

Went out to Dore Alley Saturday and Sunday. It was not my thing. I didn’t really enjoy it much.

Sunday, Suresh and I were chatting a while, we hung out Monday night, we have plans for Friday night and we sort of semi-have plans for another night this week. He came over yesterday around 1pm and we just hung out. Cuddled on the couch, went grocery shopping, made dinner, cuddled on the couch more. Watched a TV show. I honestly have no idea what it is he wants at all. He’s leaving but he also seems very interested in hanging out more and more. He stayed the night last night and we finally made out and then jerked off. But he didn’t seem that INTO making out. It almost seemed a bit reluctant. I just don’t know what to do with him. I feel these feelings, I know that nothing will work. Yesterday we were talking about something and I was just like “Jesus, there’s no way we could be happy together”. But then my mind just wants to see him more and have more of stuff to do with him. I want to go on a trip with him. That would be the deal breaker.

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My Life

Apartments & Suresh

This past weekend I was in Iowa closing on $3m worth of Apartment buildings. 6 new buildings, 60 total units. This should really set me up for retirement now. I’m hoping that over the next 2 years that I will feel comfortable with what my income is from these and be able to just be done with working… It’s been a very stressful two months dealing with all of these but I’m pretty sure that things will work out.

My dad reminded me of a story. 14 years ago, I bought my first big new car, it cost me $30,000 at the time. I called my dad nearly in TEARS because it was so much fucking money… I was so afraid to spend that much money. NOW today, I am going to be making an income of nearly $50,000 every month. I’m spending over $3m on an apartment building and have a net worth of $2.5m. It’s amazing how different things happen.

While I was in Iowa, I of course was thinking about Suresh a lot. I was out shopping and found these cute postcards and bought one and sent it to him. I know he hasn’t received it yet (at least, I doubt) but then this morning WHILE I WAS IN MY THERAPY SESSION he messaged me: “Hey, I know you want some space between us, but I’m going to go back to IA for a while (through May), and wanted to see if we could say “bye” before I go. I know you’ve got a lot going on this month, but I’m leaving by August 13 ( hoping the baby is born by then)”.

We haven’t spoken since June 2nd… So he’s clearly been thinking about me, maybe he misses me, who knows. Why does he want to reach out and say “goodbye”. WHY on earth is he moving back to Iowa!?

This set off so much and I was so happy/so glad that he reached out but also so anxious about how those feelings/etc will be when I see him again.

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My Life

Deleting dating apps

So, I’ve been in GA/SC/NC with Derik for the long weekend. It’s been a fun trip but re-affirms why I could never date him.

We landed in ATL and got a hotel overnight, then drove to Charleston. Spent a few days there and then went to Greenville and hung out with his family which was fun. He has a hot young cousin. Woof.

Anyway, last night we went to a bathhouse and it was a horrible experience. All I could think about the whole time was just that I wanted to be at home, with a bf. Cuddling on the couch. I wanted to call suresh and tell him I miss cuddling with him.

We got back to the hotel and had a long talk. I am going to delete all my dating apps today. This will be very tough I think. No grindr, no tinder, no okcupid, no bumble… wtf.