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My Life

What if I died tomorrow?

Earlier today I was chatting with my friend Tony. His BF was recently diagnosed with HIV and he is having a really tough time getting through it. Tony was asking me how I got through it and what suggestions I might have. I told him that when I found out, I had already done AIDS lifecycle and I had a large group of amazing POZ friends already. I told him that one of those friends, Mok, lived down the street from me. He and I would bike, hang out, have dinners. Any time I was feeling down about it, Mok was there to lend a shoulder and to make me feel better.

But that got me thinking, where is Mok today? He doesn’t do social media and we haven’t spoken in years. We sort of lost touch after a while. So where is he? How would I even go about finding him. The only thing I know about him is his first name, phone number and email address. I googled both and no hits on them. I don’t even have a last name for him.

What if he’s dead? I will probably never know anything about him again. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to go to his funeral or send flowers to his family. At the point in my life where we had met and crossed paths, he was so influential to me, so important, so helpful.

IT got me thinking, what if I were to die tomorrow? How would the people that I care about even find out. Now that I am no longer on any social media platforms, who would notify those people?

This past weekend in small town america, you saw the notices. BIG YELLOW pages printed out with a picture of the person, the date and time of the memorial, where to send flowers or cards. Posted in nearly every store front. At noon every day the local radio and tv station plays a list of all the births and deaths in the area. The local women’s groups gossip about “did you hear who died?”. Even if they had moved away many years ago, all because they still have those roots there.

But in todays digital world, all my “friends” are mostly remote, digital. I talk to them daily via text or face time. When I die, will they even know? I talk to Tony every day, but I haven’t seen him in ages. Would my family or parents know to contact him. Who would they contact?

With my will, there is a list of a handful of passwords. Those will gain access to my life. But will my parents or family know what to do with them? Will they have the mental capacity at the time of my death to say “We need to contact people”. Will my friends even call if they don’t hear from me for a few days?

I talked to Tony about these topic, he relayed a story of one of his friends who died while back country skiing. His family didn’t realize for weeks that he was missing. WEEKS! Are we really that disconnected in this day in age of “connectedness?”

After I die, will my blog continue to live?

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My Life

A weekend with the family.

So this past weekend was our family reunion. Honestly, I don’t really know why we do these things because they all see each other plenty. But we all met up and rented this cabin in the woods in western Iowa.

I was supposed to fly in on Thursday evening and then leave early Friday for the place. Well, I flew to Dallas and then my flight was cancelled from Dallas to DSM. I got a hotel in Dallas and hooked up with this cute boy. He was super awk but we had fun. Went to the airport early the next day, I had therapy from 11-12 and my flight was at noon, so I wanted to be at the airport before. Well I get there and go too the AA lounge and do my therapy which was super awk because I’m sure a ton of people over heard it. Then my fucking flight was delayed until 4pm. Finally got on the damn plane. I paid for first class tickets and due to the cancellation I ended up in a middle seat.

I kept day dreaming that Suresh was going to be on the flight. I could see him and then go sit next to him and have a talk. He of course was not on the flight.

We got to the house and everyone was there already. Doing our normal family thing of just sitting around and chit-chatting. Boring. Went to bed and found out that in my room I have one bar of service if I hold my phone just right… I saw instagram and suresh has posted this cute cactus that looked like a heart and said “Mother Nature sends her love”. Was it directed at me? Probably not.

Of course, it just made me think about him so much.

The next day we rented this UTV thing and drove around the reserve. It was tons of fun. Erin had brought this other girl/boy Quinn. He/She was annoying AF. And my cousin was just egging her on. Like she had a real attitude torwards me. By the end of saturday night I had had enough and I said something like “if you don’t knock it off with the attitude you’re going to get a fist in your face” and my cousin was like “ohh, we’re going to make chris cry”. WTF that is not an appropriate response.

I have realized that my cousin and her mother are fucking bullies. Like the women in this family just control the fuck out of their men. IT’s really disgusting.

This also made me really sad that I didn’t have anyone there to be with me. I am all alone and sad.

It’s weird, because I honestly have a bunch of boys chasing me, but none of them are people who it would actually work out with. Like some of them are foreign boys, some I am just not that into, etc etc. So why can I not just move past suresh and get him out of my mind. Things would have never worked between us. I can see that, I know that. But yet, I still love him to death.

Speaking of, Army popped back into my life this weekend too. He’s in Egypt but we have been texting every day. He’s such a great guy and he apologized for what he did to me the during the earlier times we were together.

And then, DEB cornered me at the reunion and was like:” I want to see you and Calvin back together, blah blah blah. he’s so amazing blah blah blah” Yes deb. I know he’s amazing, yes, I would love to see us back together too. But he is with some one, we are miles apart and also who knows if in the last 6 years he or I have changed to the point where we don’t fit together any more.

I just want to be a happy family, I want to have a partner. I don’t want to be here alone any more.

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My Life

Move on already…

I am starting therapy on Friday and I sort of wanted to get some thoughts out before I start. Get them right in my head so that I can explain things properly to her.

The latest thing all started back in Feb. We met on grindr and started chatting. He had actually tapped me about 90 days before, now looking back. I wish I had replied to him then. Maybe I would be the guy who stole his heart. We met the first time for just a quick cuddle and fuck. He was so cute in person, shy, sweet, soft skin, beautiful eyes. The sex was kinda boring but NBD, I thought we both had fun. I figured like any other hookup, he would never message me again, so I didn’t bother to message him. A week later, he texts me and I invite him for dinner. I cook for him and we cuddle and fuck again. From there, it became more and more frequent. We started doing other things, kayaking, hiking, seeing movies, going out to dinner. I started to really like him.

He was so sweet, we had a lot in common, when we hung out we always had stuff to talk about. We didn’t always have sex every time, sometimes we just cuddled. Sometimes he spent the night, other times he didn’t. I thought things were finally looking up for me. Maybe this would finally turn into a nice relationship. The one thing I didn’t like is that he would rarely ever initiate contact. It was always me reaching out to him. But when I did reach out, he was always up for chatting or hanging out. I got to the point where I wanted to see him every day, but I held back and didn’t push it with him. I didn’t want to overwhelm him too quickly, it had only been a couple months really.

Then, I went to Big Sur and I really realized how much I missed him. All I could think about the entire weekend with no cell service was him. I just waned to see him, hold him, have him on the trip with me. I wished he had come along. On the drive back, I texted him that I missed him. He replied with something like “don’t text and drive”. My heart sank. He didn’t miss me back.

We saw each other that week, I forget if it was Mon or Tuesday but things seemed fine. We had a good time like normal, we had sex, we cuddled. Jason came into town on Thursday so I didn’t see Suresh again for the weekend. I texted him again that weekend that I missed him and again, some generic reply.

Then, I got the letter on Monday. He had feelings for someone else and I was crushed. Ever since then, all I can think about is him. I just want to be happy, I want someone to text me and say I miss you.

We tried to hang out as friends a few times after that. We did an evening sunset hike which was super amazing and all I wanted to do the entire time was hold his hand, cuddle him, kiss him. We did a weekend hike with my friends Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.

After the hike we had a talk, cleared up our “just friends” thing, agreed to hang out more. He went home after that and did his family baby shower. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend. I was in the city and saw so many Red Prius. Everywhere I look now, there’s a red fucking Prius and all I can think about is: “Is that him, where is he going, who is he with”. On my drive home from the city on Monday, I drove past his house. his car was gone, I knew he was with his boy. He finally texted me on Tuesday asking to hang out on Wed. I agreed.

He came over and we played video games, during the video games we talked about our weekend. He said he went to “someone’s house” and got too drunk. I asked, “your boys?” He said yes. I was crushed. I filled my wine glass and tried to put on a happy face.

Every day, all I can think about is him. Where is he, what is he doing. What did I do wrong to not win his heart. I treated him with love and kindness every time I saw him. I encouraged him to follow his passions, I told him I wanted to hear him play guitar. I cooked for him, I invited him into my life and to hang out with my friends.

I’ve had to change my walking and driving habits because previously I would pass by his house every day. (for years, unknowingly!) I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to text him, every time my phone dings. I want it to be him, saying “I miss you”. Or “I want to see you”. I want to just hold him again, kiss his neck, run my hands through his hair. I want to see him so badly, I want to try and be friends with him so that he can see how great I am, so that maybe I can win him over. But I know the pain is probably not worth the effort. I can change my mindset to be “just friends” with him at some point but is it worth going through months of heartache.

I want to come home from walking astra and see his car parked in front of my house, him waiting for me to give me a hug. I want to get another letter in the mail from him, saying “I Was wrong, I care about you”. I want to bump into him on the street or the store and be able to smile and hug him.

On Monday, it really was him. He messaged me that “I know you want some space but my friend at work was asking about your teardrops.” I gave him the basic run down info, told him, “Thanks, hope you’re well”. He said “Thanks, likewise”.

I just don’t understand why, why am I never the one who people choose to be with. I feel like I’m a great guy. I have my life together, I have a nice house, I have a good job, I do fun things (at least I think so?). But yet, I’m never the one who get’s chosen, I’m always the reject. I bet you Suresh and this guy will go on and have a happy long term relationship now…

I even applied to this SF private sex party thing. On recommendation of one of my friends. I got rejected from that.

This is just a recurring theme for me, Army, Suresh, etc etc. I keep falling for these guys and I keep getting rejected. Am I just chasing the wrong guys? Am I doing something wrong?

I just need to move on already, the rejection sucks but it won’t get any better. He won’t come back and say any of those things. It’s just like Calvin, I’ve waited 6 years for him to say something. I’ve given him hints, I flew there to see him once. But it will never happen. 6 years of my life down the drain waiting on him, how much more time will I waste waiting on Suresh or Army or any one else that I cared about and that moved on from me.

I doubt he even spent a minute since then thinking about me.. Wondering where I was, what I was doing, if I missed him.

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My Life

It’s done for real

So, won’t be seeing Surest any more. We hung out Wed night and it was just too much. I told him that I can’t be around him. He seemed sad, I was very sad. We gave each other a strong hug and said goodnight. I’m very sad about it, but it’s the right thing to do.

I didn’t sleep well at all that night, I had a 1:1 with my boss at 8am Thursday. He opened the meeting saying “How’s life”. I started bawling.

Calvin is still with Will. Makes me feel like shit. I feel like EVERYONE I date, I am the last one they date. I look around at all my friends from 10 years ago and they are all celebrating 10 or 11 years of relationships. Some of them have husbands AND boyfriend. But yet, I can’t even get anyone to like me.

I cannot wait for the therapy to start. I really have to take it 110% this time.

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My Life

I am going to start therapy again

I have too. My mind is just too fucking crazy. I cannot stop thinking about these things, the past the present, the future. What am I doing in my life. Tony says I catastophize, which is probably right.

So after our hike the other day, suresh sent me a message saying: “Had a good time on the hike yesterday even if I was exhausted for some of it! Let’s keep hiking… and I was serious about me wanting to rewatch the Magicians”. We talked back and forth a bit after that and agreed to keep watching the show/hiking/etc. He says he would let me know after he got his schedule. Well yesterday was monday and a holiday. No word from him. Of course I go crazy. I check his instagram, I check the views on my stories. I was in SF with Rex and all I could think about was him. What was he doing, where was he, was he out fucking other boys, was he with the “guy”. Was he just hanging out with family or friends? On the drive back from SF I saw FOUR identical versions of his car, dark tinted windows and all. That made me even more crazy. I did something incredibly stupid and drove past his house. Of course his car wasn’t there. I tried to reason with myself: “he’s out doing deliveries”; “He’s out with his HS friends that he was telling me about on saturday”. But in reality he’s probably out with that guy, or on a date or something. He finally just replied now. He said “sorry, I was off my phone all day yesterday.”. Yeah, I know.

I honestly thought after getting his letter, that would be the end of it. I would never hear from him again. Then he came back and we talked and hung out. Then after our talk on saturday, I thought to myself again. “Ok, this is it. I am not going to reach out to him, I DOUBT he will reach out to me”. But of course, he sent me that fucking message on Sunday. Rejection flat out seems so much easier then trying to convert from feelings to friends. I almost wish he would just reject me due to my status, but to be 100% honest, I’m not even sure he KNOWS my status. We talked briefly about it, but I am not sure he _got_ it.

Then, I keep thinking about my situation. I am making tons of money, love to travel, have these dreams for the future but no one to share them with. I don’t have those friends that all go to big group trips, I don’t have friends who will even go on the fucking sailing class with me. So what am I going to do in 2-5 years when I have so much more Free time? I will just be alone doing what I want to do and that’s not what I want to be doing. Why am I even bothering with doing all this hard work to accomplish what I wanted in life. What is even the point without someone that I care about to share It with? What is the point of life that I have built so far, I am alone. I am sad all the time. I feel desperate and unwilling to continue sometimes. Sometimes I just want to cry in bed all day, but I am unable to get those emotions to come out.

I feel like I just want to sell everything and just start traveling now, maybe move to the city, spend some time volunteering for a few years. BUT THEN, I spent yesterday IN the city and I remember how the gay community is there, so stuck up and all about looks and social media. not my type of people to hang out with.

AND THEN on the positive side, there’s this guy I’ve been chatting with for three years who lives in Vietnam. I’ve never mentioned my status to him before. We matched on tinder when I was there visiting with Army and never got the chance to meet him. But we just check in with each other off and on. You know, standard “oh, how was your day”. etc etc. WIth Covid we had been checking in more frequently. About a week ago (after one of the 3 or 4 rejections I got for my status), I messaged him and was like “Would you reject me cause I”m HIV+”. He then told me he was also Poz and since then we’ve been chatting a lot more. Getting to know each other better. He’s cute, smart, has a good job. Has already lived in Canada for 6 years during university. But Do I really want to even THINK about another long distance relationship? I would have to put some serious guidelines around something like that. AND on top of that, when I was back in Iowa I met this guy Ram who lives in a tiny town outside of DSM. He is super into me as well and keeps saying things like “if only you lived closer, blah blah blah”. this seems to always be the same thing. I meet these guys who are far away and want to date me. But I can’t get any fucking people here in SF to like me at all. I feel it’s just cause where they are, there’s not as much choice, so I look good. Here in SF, there’s tons of options, so I look like crap. .. Wait, this didn’t really turn out positive, right?

Anyway, the point is. I’m going to start therapy again. It’s time to do it. Nick (from two years ago) recommended this lady in SF. So I called her today and left a VM. Hopefully she will call back and actually be helpful.