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My Life

AIDS LIFECYCLE and New apartment

Well, I’m back from week of cycling through the state of California. 545 miles from SF to LA. This is my third time doing it and it was a tough tough challenge yet again.

I should have written daily updates, TBH. Because a lot happened but now I don’t really want to post about them. Overall the ride was’t the sense of community that I wanted or should have felt. I felt pretty alone most of the time. I only really felt like I had a good time on one day when I spent the day riding with this guy Tam who I had met months ago on instagram. It was our first time meeting up IRL and we had a good time riding together.

I was pretty pissed at Charles on the second to last day. Originally the plan was that he was supposed to come down Friday-Sunday. Meet me in Ventura on Friday night, go to the evening program with me, the HIV/AIDS Vigil on the beach and then the next day meet me at the finish line. Well, stuff at work happened and he told me he couldn’t come at all. Then Thursday night he texted me that he got Friday off and maybe he can drive down and meet me in Ventura still, spend the night and then drive home Sat morning to get to work. I told him that I would love it but it is a lot of driving and the gave him all the info about when and where to meet me. Well he texts me at 9am and said he just work up and couldn’t make it on time. I told him he could still make it cause it was only 6 hrs drive. He texted me again about 2 hours later that he “fell back asleep” and that there was no way he could make it now. Blah blah blah “And 6 hours round trip would be really tough on me”.. WTF I fucking spent 6 days RIDING MY GOD DAMN BIKE you don’t think that was fucking TOUGH ON ME… well then he ended up spending the day with Eric, going to dinner and a movie together (they saw top gun which is a move that _I_ wanted to see as well). This really really pissed me off. He knew how much this fucking ride meant to me and he did literally nothing to show his support. He didn’t even ask me every day how the ride was or what was going on on the ride. I was really upset.

we talked late that night and he said he loved me and blah blah blah that he’s sad that he can’t SHOW me his love more. WTF does that mean. It’s basic relationship shit, ASK how people are doing, ask how work is, etc. I just feel like he doesn’t give a shit about my life at all. When I went out to dinner with Hut/Sean and Brian/David they asked all kinds of questions about how the ride was, how the food was, what the showering setup was, how was camp. Etc etc. Charles hasn’t asked one fucking question about any of that. He hasn’t asked to see my pics or anything.

I also texted him on Friday saying “I hope there are cookies waiting for me when I get home sunday”. Hoping he would get the fucking hint and go buy me crumble cookies and have them for me. Well, I get home sunday and guess what, no fucking cookies. He says he “forgot”. WTF. Does he even give a shit about me at all?

Before we left of the Philippines, I hid some love notes in his work shirts so that he would find them while I was gone on the ride. He never once texted me saying he found them or anything. I asked him if he found them and he said yes. Well wtf, basic stuff again. TEXT YOUR BF AND SAY “AWW THANKS LOVE”.

We went and signed lease paper work for a new apartment yesterday too. We’re moving in together. But the more I write about this stuff, the less I want to live with him. The less I feel like he actually cares about me or our relationship. What about ME does he actually love/like. Cause the way he treats me, the way he doesn’t ask about my life, it shows to me that he doesn’t actually care.

Sean asked me if he’s finically benefiting from me, he’s not (yet), but I sort of wonder in the back of my mind if he’s just playing the long game, knowing that once he starts school he can lean on me to pay for everything. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, maybe I’m just being negative about “how can anyone love me” but I just don’t know. I just don’t FEEL love form him.

When he picked me up at the airport on Sunday, I got in the car, he gave me a quick Peck of a kiss and then off we drove. After a week apart, I would have expected a big long kiss. But nope. He acted like he had just seen me a few hours before.

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My Life

Philippines, no more Oakland

So, it’s been a while since I last posted and there’s a reason for that. A lot has been happening and I just didn’t really have the time or mental energy to post anything.

First, I’m out of Oakland completely. It cost me $11,700 to pay off the fucking lease. Derik got a new 1 bedroom apartment in the building and I’m basically compensating some of his rent there too. Super annoying and now I am basically homeless. I’ve been living with Charles at his house but it just doesn’t feel comfortable living there. It’s not “my” space and I feel like I’m invading his family space. He and I have been talking about moving in together but after this trip to the Philippines, I just don’t know. I’m super annoyed with Derik that all this shit happened. I honestly don’t know what I did to get treated like this from him. I want to send him a nasty email, but what’s the point.

Charles and I just got back from the Philippines. We are sitting at the airport now waiting on the last leg to get home. It’s been a rocky trip, let’s be honest and I am not 100% sure this relationship is going to last after everything that happened. Before we even booked the flights and stuff he told me the area we were going to go to and told me to look for things I wanted to do. I found a bunch of stuff and sent to him and I assume he sent it to his mom. His mom sent back a list of stuff she was planning on doing, all of it seemed great. One of the top things I was looking forward to was going to see Hundred Islands. Basically NOTHING was planned, none of the activities his mom listed got done and his family went to Hundred Islands before we even got there.

The problems started on day one when we got there. We stayed at this seaside resort called “funtasia”. It wasn’t the nicest place, but it was fine. Not the nicest place to be but it wasn’t the worst. Well we get there and apparently he thought that I was going to be annoyed by how bad it was. Which caused our first fight. He was making an assumption that I wouldn’t like the place. I can’t remember all the details but we got into a fight that day.

The next day was his family reunion which was tons of fun. We got to the house where it was around noon and started drinking. We got home around midnight. There was tons of food, drinks, like 200 people, tons and tons of food. While we were at the party, one of his cousins suggested we go to this waterfall the next day, he described it as a 20 minute walk and this big waterfall.

Well, so the next day we all get up early (15 of us total) and get going. We go to the market and get fish to cook for lunch, while we’re there. Charlie tells them that I don’t eat fist and they need to get a chicken or something for me. We then go to Jolliee bee and get breakfast for everyone which takes forever. then we go back to the house. This had taken 2 hours already. then we all pile into a van and drive for an hour. We get to some place and they say they have to go rent a 4×4. So after like 30 minutes they tell us we got the 4×4, which we arrive at and it’s this tiny ass jeep which can sit MAYBE 6 people. Remember, there are fucking 15 of us. So we cram 11 people into the 4×4 and then the rest take a tricycle. We start off on this crazy ass rocky trail and we’re going and going and going and going. Finally someone asks the driver how far it is and he says its 1 HOUR OF DRIVING in this fucking packed AF jeep. So at this point, I’m fucking pissed. Like why didn’t anyway communicate any of this to anyone. We finally get to the end of the jeep trail and it’s another 30 minutes of walking. In like 90 degree heat and 100% humidity, it was horrible. This caused another fight between Charlie and I, not really a fight but I was compliainig about why no one communicated anything and he got all pissed off and told me to “shut up”. I told him, “look, I’m not mad at you, I’m just frustrated that no one communicated any of this and I just wish you’d share in my frustration” that seemed to resolve that issue. We ended up having a fun day, but it was suppppper annoying to start out with.

The next day we had to take his brother back to Manila, which is a 6 hour drive from where we were. We get back to Manila and check into the condo that his mom had arranged. Our room was GROSS. I mean bugs everywhere. You walk in and there were bugs, and bugs and bugs. It was GROSS. I’ve stayed in some bad places but this is def the worst and I let him know that. He was also complaining about the bugs constantly. I said something like “I would rather not stay here, can we just book our own place”. I forget what he said but basically it was no and he told me to book my own room. Obviously I’m not going to do that because I am not leaving him. We get ready and tells me “we’re all going to the mall”. I had told him earlier that day that I needed to exchange money an he said he needed to as well. We get to the mall and his cousin starts asking people where the money exchange is. I ask him, “did you know that we were going to exchange money” and basically they were looking for it JUST FOR HIM. I got pissed at this point. Yet again he failed to communicate to me what was going on. He said I should have KNOWN because he told me we were going to the mall and I knew he didn’t have money so “how was I going to shop if we didn’t exchange money”.

I got livid at this point, I pulled him aside and we got into it massively. he told me I was “disgusting” because I didn’t want to stay in this cockroach infested nasty apartment/condo. The worst part is we were with his family at this point, including two cousins and of course he refuses to even talk about anything. He told me to get my own fucking hotel room, so I started booking one.

I forget exactly what happened but we get back to condo and start talking a bit more in private and we made up about things. But I’m still angry about it writing about it now.

The next day, three days were the best of the trip, Charles and I planned stuff and we went to a market, a gay bar, a fort, shopping, and some other random ass stuff. I think these were the only two days we didn’t get into a fight.

We flew to IloIlo to see his step mom who he hadn’t seen in 5 years. That was super cute. I think we did get into a little bit of an argument that night actually, I can’t remember but I think the issue was that he was stressed about making me happy and he was upset that he thought I was bored while we were with his step mom. not a big issue, basically I told him that everything is fine, don’t worry about it.

There were some arguments too about sex, basically I am not getting enough of it but I don’t really want to get into that.

Then we flew back to Manila and got the Hyatt hotel in city of dreams which was fucking amazing. I douched that night hoping we could have sex. I had work to do and when I got in bed he was just like “ok goodnight”.

The next day was also fine until the evening. We did shopping, hung around the hotel, etc. Didn’t do much. That night, I am honestly not fucking sure what happened. we had a nice dinner with his mom and family, We were all standing in the hotel casino and they decided to go to bed and Charlie said he wanted to go out. I didn’t REALLY want to go out, but I was fine with going. I’m sure it did show. I told him to find a bar and he scrolled through google for like 10 minutes and never picked something. During this time, I kept suggesting we just go tot he hotel bar and have some drinks and then go back to the room. Well he finally agreed to that but we went to the bar and he was clearly upset/not talking. I got super annoyed that we were just sitting there in silence. So I told him I was just going to go back to the hotel room. It all went down from there and basically I ended up just storming off. He came back to the hotel roomm and we talked it out.

We’re back home now and I honestly don’t know where we stand. One of my biggest issues is just he doesn’t show any sort of affection (he holds my hand like 24.7 which is cute). but I want kisses, passion, I want him to WANT to have sex with me and not just feel like it’s a chore to him. The last few days he hasn’t said “I love you”; He doesn’t initiate any kisses.

I am justlost and I just want him to say, “babe, I love you and I want you” and to show it more. I just feel like he’s so self centered still sometimes and just wants someone who wants him.

I’m sure there’s a lot I forgot to write about, but I’m writing this while he’s in the shower and I don’t have much time.

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My Life

He Said he loves me

So, after the last post, we all went out to a bar in Oakland. I invited a one of my friends who brought 2 of his friends. So all together there were 6 of us. It was a fun night for most of us. We had some drinks, watched Karaoke, Charlie even got up on stage and sang a song.

But Eric, he sat there in the corner, refusing to talk to anyone. At one point he stormed off and went and hid in a backroom. Whatever. Nothing is going to make it better with him apparently.

While we were sitting at the bar, Charlie turned to me and said, “I love you” and all the rest of the night he was repeating it over and over. So that was nice. But ever since then, he’s barely said it. He will say it back to me if I say it. But he won’t just say it.

Shit with Derik has gotten worse. He’s not even replying to txt’s, emails from me now. I went and talked to the PM and I think that we finally have a resolution for how to get out of this. Derik is going to move to another apartment in the same building and I’m going to pay $6k to just leave. Super fucking annoying. Derik is the worst fucking piece of trash person I’ve ever met in my fucking life. I cannot believe how much of a fucking snake he is.

Last Thursday, Charlie went out with Eric by himself. I was mostly fine with it. I was a little annoyed that he only told me the day before. My friends are all busy people, I can’t just text them the day before andd go out with them. I was also a bit annoyed cause Charlie had worked nights the two days before. SO it was three days in a row where I didn’t see him.

Anyway, he goes out. Comes home around 10pm and we just have sex and go to bed. Don’t even talk about it at all. Well last night (Sunday) he finally brings up what they talked about. Eric is pissed that Charlie isn’t spending enough time with him. Well, honestly, yeah. He shouldn’t be spending more time with you. You’re an asshole to his boyfriend. You can’t get over the fact that you love him.

Charlie and I were at the gym while we were talking about this and I thought we were having a positive conversation about it. At one point, I said, “Maybe it would be best if you two just not have contact for a while so he can get over you.” Apparently that pissed Charlie off and he just shut down. Didn’t talk to me the whole rest of the work out. Not a word.

So we get back to the house and start talking about it and he was going on about how all I was doing was focusing on the negative. WTF does that even mean? I was trying to provide positive support to the situation. I don’t really like Eric, Eric clearly doesn’t like me. But at least I am making POSITIVE movements to the situation. I am supporting him hanging out with Eric, I am inviting Eric out to do things with us. When we do hang out, _I_ try to talk to Eric. He makes ZERO efforts to talk to me.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know if I can survive a relationship with this other guy in the picture.

We talked about just getting an apartment together. Charlie’s lease is up in June, I’m leaving the Oakland apartment. But I don’t think we’re ready for it. After what happened last night.

Honestly, I wonder if Charlie is still in love with Eric, I wonder if he regrets going back to me and just doesn’t know how to get out of it. Last night we talked about Eric being “over” him and Charlie said something like “If he wasn’t over me, he would have tried to get back with me already”. WTF, he’s BEEN trying, that’s what he’s doing. When we were out at the bar that night. Charlie was all over him. He was looping his arm through his, he had his arm around his waist, he was resting his head on his shoulder. All that stuff really pissed me off. Get your fucking hands off that guy. And this is exactly why I don’t want them going out drinking together. I don’t want Charlie getting physical with him (in what he says is just a friendly way) and having Eric take advantage of it. Charlie says he doesn’t even remember doing all those things with Eric.

How can you have a relationship where your boyfriends, best friend, hates you? Is it possible?

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My Life

Am I overthinking?

So another post about Charlie and Eric. You all know my take on these two.

Last night I was cooking dinner and Charlie said: “Do we have any plans on Thursday?”.
I said: “No”
He said: “Eric wants to go out drinking”
I Said: “The two of you or the three of us?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
And then texted a bit more

A few hours later, I asked him: “So the three of us or the two of you?”
He said: “I haven’t checked to see if Eric replied”.
He was holding his phone. Why not check right there?

To me. This means they’ve already planned the night out. Excluding myself and Charlie just doesn’t want to tell me that.

I texted Charlie at 8:10am this morning: “Let me know what your plan is for tomorrow. If Iā€™m not invited then I want time to find something to do”.

It’s now 12:12 and no reply yet. I’m sure he will reply later and just say “Sorry, was so busy at work” and then he will say something like “Eric wants it to be just the two of us”. (speculation)

Of course ERIC wants it to be just the two of you, He hates me. He doesn’t speak to me, nor does he speak to Charlie in front of me.

This is really frustrating to me. If you don’t want me to go, just say so. Why would it have been so difficult last night at dinner to just say “Eric wants to hang out just the two of us”. I would have been annoyed but would have just said “Ok” and I would have found something ELSE to do.

I think there’s two things wrong here. 1) Charlie doesn’t want the confrontation of telling me him and Eric are going to hang out and 2) Charlie doesn’t want ME to go do other things without him. So in my mind, this is hypocritical.

Again, all speculation and this is where I get into the. Am I over thinking things? The last time this happened where him and Eric went out without me. It was all “yes you’re invited” and then suddenly the day they were going to hang out, “oh sorry, it won’t work you can’t come”. And when I brought it up that it would have been nice to know so that I could plan something with MY friends, his reply was “why is it so bad for you to just say home alone”.

Well whey should _I_ stay home alone when you’re out with your “best friend”/”Ex boyfriend”.

I wish this guy would just fucking disappear. It would make our relationship so much better.

I’ve also mentally convinced myself that they are going to go see the new Dumbledore movie together. Mostly because I’ve suggested we go see it TWICE in the last 5 days and Charlie has just ignored my suggestions. To me, this means that Eric has said something like “Let’s go see Dumbledore together” and Charlie said sure and now he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s already made plans with Eric to see it without me. Charlie went and saw Spiderman and batman movies without me (with Eric). Even though I had said I wanted to see them.

UPDATE:// He texted around 4pm and said: “I think he should just suck it up and we all go out”. So that’s good! šŸ™‚