My Life

Dear Charles.

I know you’ll never see this. But I miss you so much already. I miss your smile, your smell, your skin, the touch of your hands in mine. I miss holding you all night, your head on my shoulder.

I wish we had more time, I wish we had met earlier and you could have gotten to know me better. I was looking forward to many trips with you. Going to Vegas in March. Hanging out with you. Holding you.

I know you’ll be happy with Eric and I’m glad you two figured it out. But it hurts me so much. I was really falling for you and once I have these feelings. They never go away.

You’re an amazing guy and have so much ahead of you. I hope you don’t let anyone hold you back from that. I hope Eric encourages you to explore, grow and be youRself. I hope for you he can provide what you want in a relationship.

I wish we could have talked more…. But I know there’s no point. I could see it from th first time the three of us hung out. You two had something more then friendship. I can’t compete with him and I wished we could have become as close as the two of you.

I wish you the happiest. Please invite me to your wedding. Maybe this time you’ll say yes when he proposes to you in the Philippines.

With love,

My Life

Goodbye Charles

So short ago, I wrote a post “Hi, Chris”… Now I’m writing, “Goodbye Charles”.

He dumped me last night. For his BFF. The two of them are going to date.

I’m super sad, but honestly I knew this was coming. He did it in a nice way. He was sweet about it, he cried.

I don’t want to write anything more about it right now. Maybe later.

My Life

I am Crazy…

Jason was right all these years. Calling me “Crazy Chris”… I can’t get out of my own way when things are going well. I fuck up everything.

Things with Charles are/were great. We had that amazing weekend. Then yesterday, we were having a good day. He went out with his “Best Friend”. Who happens to be in love with him. Charles didn’t reply to one message since they went to dinner last night. We ended out conversations by saying “let me know how ur evening goes”. I was expecting him to call or text me good night at least. But nothing. Not a peep. I sent him a pic of Derik, Jonathan and I at dinner. No message.

I checked his phone location. I honestly hate that he shared that with me, it’s causing me more anxiety then it did not knowing. He was at some random location in Concord. It looks like there’s apartments there. Did he spend the night with his best friend, or was he spending the night with some hookup.

I sent him a text at 11pm. “I’m gonna be honest. When you and I are together you’re always Twp lying back to Eric. But when you two are together you completely ignore me. Im not asking for a ton of conversation. Just at least an acknowledgment would be nice”. Fucking idiot.. Why did you send that?

When we were at the gym Monday, he was constantly texting someone else. (I assume it was his best friend). But who knows. The fact he’s still on grindr is driving me nuts.

Things are going so well, now my anxiety is fucking me over. Getting in my fucking way. Just let it be, just let it “flow”. Just let things happen and stop fucking being crazy chris.

He’s at work now this morning, still no good morning, no reply from last night. Nothing. WTF. I hate this feeling. My day is packed with meetings but all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry.

I feel like it’s ending already. I feel like I fucked it up and now we can’t be better or grow more. I want to just run away. I want to just be happy, I want to have a nice relationship and just not be anxious all the fuckig time about every little thing. I thought we were getting there but now I am not sure.

My friends are saying I need to get back on grindr, tinder, whatever and have a backup, have someone else to keep my occupied. But I don’t know if I can do that. In my mind, if I’m dating someone else, fucking someone else, then it applies to Charles as well and makes me even more crazy about him out there doing the same.

I just want to not be like this. I just want to be happy that I have what I have.

My Life

An amazing weekend…

Just got back from an amazing trip with Charles… But my fucking anxiety is on high alert and I’m having a really tough time handling it.

But let’s step back a hot minute… So last weekend Derik, Charles and I all went out to some bar for a drunken movie night. It was a fun time and we all hangout. Apparently at some point during the evening, Derik and Charles added each other on instagram. I had no idea about this. At another point, Derik was telling Charles about my blog. (Which derik has never seen but knows exists). I gave him a nasty look at that point because I def don’t want Charles knowing about this and what I write here.

Anyway, on Sunday Charles was at the wedding and Derik was messaging him on instagram. Due to all the shit that’s gone down between me and Jason regarding guys I’m into, I asked Derik not to message him directly. He seemed fine with it but apparently he wasn’t. On Monday evening, Derik and I went for a walk around Oakland, he was completely ignoring me when I tried talking to him about stuff. So I pushed him and was like “What’s wrong with you” blah blah blah. Well at that point he BLEW UP at me. HE started off by going off on me about how apparently I hound him that he leaves cabinet doors open all the time, then I said something like “Jesus fuck is that what you’re upset about”.. And he started screaming at me now because apparently I cussed at him and he won’t have “white boys” cussing at him. Wtf.

So we went our own way and when I got back to the apartment he was walking out. Wouldn’t even talk to me. The next evening we had a chat and apparently part of the problem was that he was upset that I asked him not to chat with Charles. Ever since then things have been off and he hasn’t been texting, he barely talks to me, etc etc. I was afraid something like this would happen when we moved in together. Honestly I think that there’s a lot more too it. But I cannot talk to him seriously about things because he blows up so easily and refuses to express any sort of emotions.

So yeah… THere’s that and now there’s Charles. He and his BFF had dinner on Wed and apparently his BFF expressed that he is in love with him… I’ve known since the first time I met his BFF that there was something more to it. But Charles refused to admit that anything was up with it. I haven’t got the whole story about it but it makes me anxious about what could happen. Charles says he has no interest in his BFF and I can only accept and trust that right now… but this will come in play later.

Thursday the two of us went up to Mendocino for a quick weekend trip (well not really weekend). We drove up and stopped for some wine and cheese tasting on the way, then went to a couple beaches, watched the sunset. Ate dinner, went back to the hotel and finally for the first (since we started “dating”) had sex. It was great to be connected like that again finally.

Friday morning we got up, went to this skunk river cycling thing which was amazing (but cold). back to the hotel, napped, went out for dinner, back to hotel and just cuddled and watched a movie and went to sleep.

This morning we woke up, showered, came home… I love that whenever we’re in the car he is holding my hands, lying his head on my shoulder, etc etc. It’s perfect and exactly what I want. He’s such a great guy, so sweet, we have similar music tastes, we get along pretty well. There are def things that _I_ do that I can tell will annoy the shit out of him and I hope they are not deal breakers.

But the big problem, I always make these self-sabotaging jokes… And I HAVE to stop with him because he won’t have it. I made one just as we were saying goodbye and I feel like shit now for it. I want to call him and appoligize right away, but I don’t know how or what to say exactly. Plus he’s busy at work. What happened is that I have this picture of him saved in his contacts and he said “I can’t believe you have the picture” and I said “Why not, it’s super cute”. He said something like, “You don’t want people to think you have a retarded friend”.. and I said “Ohh, friend huh, interesting choice of words”… he said “well what do you want me to say” and at that point. I wanted to say, “I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND”. But I didn’t, I just said, “well, I just don’t want to end up like your BFF”… Ugh that was such the wrong thing to say to him.

The other thing that gives me major anxiety is when I say things like “I’ll miss you” and he’s just silent. Or we were in the car on the ride back and I said: “I really had an amazing trip his weekend.” he said “me too”. then I said, “I look forward to a lot more trips with you”… silence. What does that mean? Does he not want more trips with me… does he not miss me.

I also know he’s clearly still active on grindr. Last week at some point I saw on his phone his grindr app had 4 notifications. Today he was scrolling and I saw grindr and it had 2 notifications. So he’s clearly still chatting with guys on there. It just really makes me go crazy. I’ve deleted the apps, I’m focusing on him. I wish he would do the same. But maybe he is waiting for me to say something. Is he just waiting for us to make it “official”.

This weird middle part of dating is so confusing and so stressful. The early days are stressful enough but now this is even more so. Like I want to be more then just a date/time filler for him. I want to be “official” but it’s way too early for that, I think?

I don’t want to be broken hearted again… I don’t want to be MORE jaded then I already am. I want to end this year and say: “wow. I have a boyfriend”. But I know I can’t control it. I just have to let it ride and see where it goes. I’m hoping for so much more.

My Life

The concern

As always, HIV comes back to be a concern. Every single time…

Last night we hung out, he came over after school and a hair cut (HE GOT A PERM!) and had dinner then went to this drunken movie night thing in Oakland. The movies were just these shorts that were kinda weird, kinda funny. It was fun. Derik came along and I think he was a bit annoyed that Charles and I were all over each other (like holding hands, not like making out).

We got home around 10:30ish and Charles and I just went to bed. Started to watch a movie but then the topic came up about sex. He started with: “I really like you a lot….” but, there’s always a but. My therapist says we really need to move to AND! AND something positive.

But of course, it was something NEGATIVE about being POSITIVE. He basically said he was scared and unsure about things. He’s not that educated in HIV and what not. So we talked a little bit about it. I tried to tell him what I could about U=U, but you know. I’m not expert. (Also, every time I type U=U it’s REALLY annoying because I have a short cut that coverts U to YOU. LOL). Anyway, we talked, he said he wants to continue things just needs to learn more about it. We went to sleep and cuddled all night long.

I had some really fucked up dreams last night too. I had one where I was walking around like DC or something and I went to some “important person’s house” (that’s what it was labeled on the map) and I took a backpack from their house. I was walking around DC with it and opened it and realized it had BOMBs in it! So I took the bombs and threw them in the trash. Super weird.

Then I had another dream that I went to a tattoo place and asked for tattoo, any tattoo…. They did a birthday cake in the middle of my back. Even more super weird.

I’m here at the house now, just taking care of some stuff before the realtor gets here for an open house today. I honestly don’t know why she is even doing one today because she hasn’t sent out the marketing stuff yet. It just got posted on MLS 1 hr ago. How many people are really going to come see it the first day it’s open?

I’m honestly kind of sad. The work that’s been done to make it ready for market has honestly been those final touches that really makes it FEEL like home. I honestly wish I had done these things earlier and maybe I would have stayed in the place. But… on the other hand, I have to remember that when I lived here, I was so disconnected from everything/everyone.

I’m super excited about things with Charles but I”m trying to keep it low-key and just let things materialize. I honestly want to see him every day, but I know I have to hold back a bit still. It’s not even been a MONTH.

In other news, Suresh is a dick face. Why was I so infatuated with this bitch? I honestly don’t get how you can be on Instagram constantly but not fucking reply to any text messages. Honestly, if he ever does finally reply, do I just ignore him? I’ve moved on at this point.

It’s Friday, I have no plans. Is that ok?