Two years or heartbreak

Two years ago this past weekend, Charles and I did our road trip to fort Bragg. Two years ago this weekend, I wanted to say “Be my boyfriend”. Two years ago today, he broke my heart by ghosting me to date Eric. Two years of heartbreak. I’m still heartbroken over him. I still miss him. This past weekend, I kept just hoping. “Ok, it’s been a month, maybe he will message me”. I kept getting TONS of tiktoks this weekend with things like “He is thinking about you, he will reach out to you soon” or “He misses you so much and you are always on his mind. blah blah blah”. I hope they are true. But why after two years of heartbreak am I still missing him, wanting him back. Wanting him to WANT me.

This past weekend was good. Friday I went and volunteered in the city. It was fun and quick. I will go back to them again. After that I met up with bathhouse guy (Pete) and we went to Napa wine tasting with two of his friends. They are a bit catty and Pete dresses kinda queeney. I don’t like catty gays. But he was holding my hand in the car the whole time, we were taking pics together, etc. It was cute and felt good. At one point I mentioned that I was going to portland alone. He and I joked a bit. He said something like “Oh, I’m free that weekend” and I was like “well you should come”. I say that kinda shit to people all the time, they never come. I just joke around. Well a few minutes later he said “Ok, I booked my flights”. So I guess now he’s coming to Portland with me.

Saturday I did a 40 mile bike ride with Frank. It was good to see him again and have him remind me of all the shit Charles did to me. But yet, I still want him. We talked about franks’ love life and stuff. Ate doughnuts, good times as usual.

After that I came home, napped for a bit and then Jun came over for a sleep over. We had an edible and watched a movie and cuddled. It felt good to be held again.

Sunday we got up and met up with Yan, Wingbing, Walter, Jun and myself. We all went for a hike in San Ramon area and it was fun. I hope that they all had fun. After that we had lunch and I came home for a nap. Yan called me later and asked if I would go look at a bike with him so we did that and then had dinner. He wants to bike with me, but I’m going to be way too fast for him.

Got home and just sat here watching TV. Hoping that Charles is seeing the same “photos memories” as me from our fort Bragg trip two years ago and he’s remembering all the good things about me.

Jim texted me at some point asking if I knew the Dunkin manager (I do). He asked if we were dating. I asked him how he knew that I knew the Dunkin manager. He said “My manager (Charles)”. WTF, why is Charles talking to his co-workers about who I know or don’t know.

Am I getting better, yes. Do I still miss him, yes. Am I living my life and trying to be happy. Yes. I’m good without you.

Steamworks And Boys

So, last night was a lot of fun.

Decided to go to steamworks, which was a good idea. 🙂 Got there, got my room and then just went to go walk around and see who was there… Well, I didn’t get very far! I walked to the back dark room area and there was some guy getting fucked on the bench and there was another hot guy standing in the corner jerking off. I brushed past the guy in the corner to go watch the bench guy. Watched the bench guy for a min and then turned around to see what the corner guy was doing by this time he was getting sucked by some other guy and I thought to myself “damn, missed on that”. As I walk past the corner guy brushed up on me, so I start making out with him. Then he moves over and starts fucking the guy that was sucking him while I keep making out with him. Anyway, corner guy and I end up going back to my room and spending the next two hours fucking, making out, Going out to the dark room area and having him fuck me there. SUPER fucking hot. He was such a good kisser and he had such a nice dick.

We ended up exchanging phone numbers and he already had me saved in his phone! Which is awk. But we never met up for some reason. Probably distance which is typical. We’re going to hang out Thursday night.

Jay and James hung out with Charles last night. I want to ask them what they talked about, what they did, how he’s doing, etc etc. But I’m resisting. I don’t care. I am doing my own thing. Making my own life. Having my own fun. He’s in the past, rear view mirror baby. I am finding someone who cares about me.. eventually

Which brings me to the meat of the topic… I HAVE GUYS CHASING ME. I mean, I think. But there’s these guys who are interested in hanging out with me, who seem to want to chat with me. It’s a good feeling but at the same time, none of them are really that interesting to me. The ones that are interesting to me, I don’t think things would ever actually work with them. I am just focused on trying to build friendships with them, see where that takes me and be a happier more confident version of myself!

But it feels good to get those “Hey sexy” or “good morning” messages. Something I could never get Charles to give me.

I need a reminder

You deserve better.

You deserve someone who replies to your texts
You deserve someone who wants to txt you “At work, love you”
You deserve someone who replies to you “Thanks babe, YOU TOO”
You deserve someone who remembers your birthday
You deserve someone who will drive 2 hours to meet you for a night while on ALC
You deserve someone who comes home and wants to talk to you about your days
You deserve someone who encourages you to go out on hikes and other things
You deserve someone who wants to fuck your brains out
You deserve someone who tells you that you’re sexy AF
You deserve someone who appreciates you shopping for them
You deserve someone who accepts the way you do laundry and appreciates that it’s done for them
You deserve someone who can communicate their needs and wants
You deserve someone who can comprise and understand both sides in an argument
You deserve someone who can remember to take time off when you remind them about things
You deserve someone who can be on time to important events
You deserve someone who can do all of these things and more

Love you. You’re amazing, you deserve someone who sees that.

Fleet Week

Going back and reading two years ago. The start of our relationship, makes me sad. Us talking about HIV. Me knowing now that in a few weeks he will break my heart and go date Eric. Me saying things like “I’m super excited about things with Charles but I”m trying to keep it low-key and just let things materialize.” – And then knowing that HAD I asked him to be my Boyfriend while we were in Fort Bragg, the whole Eric thing probably wouldn’t have happened. We wouldn’t’ have then started our relationship a month later with resent already from me, fear of rejection and abandonment from me. Thinking back on that moment two years ago… Could have changed our entire trajectory. Maybe, just maybe if I had asked him “be my boyfriend” instead of trying to “let things materialize”… Today we’d be a happier couple.

But then, things happen for a reason. He went and dated Eric for a reason, he came back to me for a reason. We broke up again, for a reason. Maybe eventually he will come back to me for some other reason, or maybe he won’t. Right? I wish those reasons were more clear. To teach me to let people appreciate me? To teach me not to put up with the shit of “I forgot”. To teach me to… I dunno. That I DESERVE BETTER as the note on my mirror says.

Things happen for a reason…

After my terrible date Thursday, I basically just hung out Friday. I did an amazing bike ride, went to the gym, had beers and dinner then just chilled.

Saturday I got up, walked Astra and then headed into the city to spend the day with Jay and James. I’m loving these two more and more as I hang out with them and I really do appreciate everything they are to me. They are the friends that I’ve been needing in my life for a long time. AS I get to know them more, I realize how shitty of a friend people like Jason has been for the last nearly 20 years. How superficial my relationships are with people like Hut.

But of course, hanging out with them and NOT having Charles there, was sad to me. We did spend a fair amount of the day talking about him of course. Before I got there, I told myself to limit it, to not bring it up but it happened. At one point, I messaged Charles on Instagram and said “I wish you could have been here today. Hope your day at work is going well”. He replied “Thanks”. My therapist said, what’s the harm in going for it. Or something along those lines, but basically just do it and if you’re rejected, you hurt for a moment and move on. You live and don’t regret things.

We went and got drinks after the air show and we talked a lot about social media, it’s impact on Charles and how it could be causing more harm then good.

I explained to them that I’m posting stories because this is how I am. Pre-Charles, I posted everything. It gives me validation. I love when guys reply to my stories and chat with me. It’s not aimed at Charles, it’s not posting for Charles. IT’s posting for me, for the attention that I crave I guess.

Jay explained that it could be causing Charles to think that I’ve “moved on”. That I could be nailing the coffin shut. James countered with “Don’t change yourself for him”. I agree with both of them, I see both sides.

I’m a person who NEEDS to know that the coffin is nailed shut before I can truly move on, give myself to someone else again. It took me YEARS to get over Calvin, to really move on and KNOW for sure there was never a chance with us again. I don’t want that to happen with Charles. I want to move on, but I want to leave it open for Him to come back to me. For me to have the upper hand, maybe.

So I made a pledge to them to stop posting, or at least limit what I do post.

I told them if Charles came back to me tomorrow, I would say YES, let’s make it work. In one month, two months, I’m not sure. I love him, but he needs to change. He needs to be Charles V3.0 for me to be able to date him again. He needs to appreciate me, he needs to remember important things, he needs to be more expressive. I also need to improve myself. I need to be Chris V10.5 (or whatever I’m on now!).

I keep day dreaming about when he said to me “I’m going to come over whenever I want”. – I keep day dreaming about the day I’m sitting here on my couch, and I suddenly hear the august unlock itself and he walks in. But I know that’ll not happen anytime soon. I know he’s “happy” alone. I know he’s doing whatever he’s doing. and I tell myself. “I don’t care”

And I’m out here, doing what I’m doing. Trying to be happy. Trying to move on. Trying to find the person who will appreciate me, treat me right, ask me every day “how are you”.

I’m trying to be more positive, more happy, more relaxed.

Terrible Dates

I need to be way more picky about who I go out on dates with.

When I was up in yuba a few weeks ago, I matched with this guy on tinder and we’d been talking. We did a few FaceTimes and talked on the phone a few days and he seemed nice enough. He’s an engineer, has a PhD, good job, likes to hike, is a top. etc etc.

So I invited him to come over for the night. We were planning to do a hike, eat dinner and then just chill. But since the weather was over 90F the hike was out. So he arrived and he said he wanted to go to some Chinese restaurant in SF. I asked him “what’s the name of it” and he said something like “I don’t know, it’s next to civic center tunnel”. How the fuck do you not know the name of this place you wanted to go. So he takes my laptop and he’s looking on google maps and he finds it, hands it over to me and it was a parking garage! I said “This is a parking garage” and he said, “yeah, I thought that’s what you wanted”. WTF?! I asked where the restaurant was.

We get ready to go and he insists on driving. His car is FILTHY, the window is cracked, he didn’t’ want to use the A/C, he drives like a 90 year old grandma. Any time there was a car next to him he would freak out. He kept mumbling under his breath about god knows what. Needless to say, by the time we got to SF 1.5 hours later, I was PISSED.

He parked over a mile from the restaurant and I asked him why, he said “well there’s never parking near the place, so we can just walk”. I said, “NO, let’s go closer and look for parking”. Sure enough we find parking 1/2 block from the place. Go inside, sit down, and he’s SUPER CONFUSED about the menu. It’s a fucking dim-sum place which he said he was at just one week prior.

Basically we don’t talk through dinner at all, just sit in awkward silence. He goes to the bathroom at one point and comes back with the front of his pants SOAKING wet like he had used his pants to dry his hands or something.

After dinner he says he wants to go take a few pictures of the GGB. So we drive down to the sports basement, park there and then proceed to walk over 1.5 miles. He keeps popping into these little beaches, looking at the bridge and going “hmmm, no, nope this won’t work”. Starts to turn around to walk away, then turns back and goes “yeah, nope”. By this time it’s nearly 7:30 and it’s DARK AF out and we’re walking on this gravel path. Finally we get to a place where he feels it’s “good enough” to take pictures which he then diggs out a tripod and camera from his backpack and proceeds to spend an HOUR taking pictures of the bridge. I’m just standing there awkwardly, texting jay and James about everything that’s going on.

At one point he comes over to me and he’s like “oh are you bored” and I said, “Well, honestly this isn’t exactly my idea of a good date.” He finally wraps it up and we have to walk the 1.5 miles BACK to the fucking car in the DARK. I was basically just begging a coyote to come out of the brush and eat me alive.

Drive back to Concord in silence, at one point he grabs my hand hard and is like “I’m sorry”. But it’s too late to save anything. We get back to my house and I tell him “Look, this clearly isn’t going to work, you’re welcome to stay the night but I would prefer you just sleep on the couch”. He decided to drive home but then it took him FOREVER to pack his shit (barely anything) and go. It was super super awk.


But otherwise yesterday was a rough day for me missing Charles. Jim from chipotle messaged me and was telling me about shit, I don’t know how much of what he says is true or not but whatever.

Trying to find someone to join me in Portland since it’s clear that Charles and I won’t be back together by then and Jason and I are still not talking.