Categories
My Life

My Anxiety…

My Anxiety is starting to get to me and it’s really frustrating. I am trying so hard to hold it back but things just creep into my mind. I am always concerned, is he going to end things, will this be the last time I see him. Will he ghost me again.

Things are honestly going great with Charles. I even told my therapist “perfect” for now. He communicates, he wants to see me, we have a good time when we hang out. I am really enjoying our time together. I am really enjoying how sweet and caring he is.

But then, things happen and my anxiety comes back to me. For instance Friday, I know he was busy at work but he barely texted me all day. I know he was AT WORK. But yet, my anxiety freaks out.

Saturday he got off work late and we were going to go to some brewery in Alameda. He texted me and said that it wasn’t worth it now, because he only wanted to go there to show me the sunset. How cute is that? We ended up going to a different brewery and just chilling. He spent the night that night and I really enjoyed it. We still haven’t had sex though. He had to work Sunday morning so we got up at 6am and I made him coffee and he left. He forgot his watch here so I said I would bring it to him at work. He said “no, don’t worry about it, it’s out of your way”; I said “it’s only 10 extra minutes on my way to vallejo, I’ll be there in 20” and he replied “Ok, but only because I want to see you”.

I love that, he says he wants to see me after just spending the whole night together? He said he wants to show me things so that I can see the sunset. Although honestly, I feel like I am not giving him back everything he is giving me and that also concerns me. Am I not being sweet enough? Am I not giving him enough stuff.

He was drunk Saturday night and he was telling me about this guy who’s obsessed with him. He shows up at his work with food for him. He calls him to talk. Etc etc. Honestly, it sort of reminded me of me and Suresh and I wanted to text him and apologize. But the thing is, is this what CHARLES wants? What if he wants someone to bring him dinner at work but I am not doing that for him?

On Thursday Charles and I watched some Filipino comedian, it was pretty hilarious and he mentioned he was going to go see the guy Sunday night in Sacramento. I said: “Oh, too bad there’s no extra ticket, I would love to go”. On Saturday when we hung out he mentioned: “My brother can’t go now, so I invited Eric”. Honestly that made me jealous AF… I mean I know he needs to spend time with his best friend, I am not ready to meet his family yet, etc etc. But yet, I wish he had invited me instead.

Am I getting too invested? Am I getting too involved already and setting myself up for another really tough heart break? Or are things finally starting to look up for me and this might actually lead somewhere? I don’t know and I really don’t want to get too excited about things. But at the same time. I want to make sure I am showing him that I am interested in him and want things to move forward.

Categories
My Life

Love.. Letter?

Dear Chris,

I love you. You’re an awesome person with so many talents and knowledge of so many things. You’ve worked hard over all these years to achieve what you wanted in life and you have so much to show for it.

You put everything you can into situations and try to always see the bright side of things when they don’t always go according to plan. You are adventurous, smart, and cute AF.

You’re sweet and caring to everyone who comes into your life and you are willing to go the extra mile for people to show them that you care.

You deserve so much in life and deserve someone who respects you and gives back everything that you give to them.

Love, Chris

Categories
My Life

Love Letter to myself

My therapist says I should write a love letter to myself.. I’ve started on it a few times but can never seem to get anywhere. I just don’t know what to write.

Charles and I hung out yesterday, we did a quick hike. He’s such a cute, sweet guy but I just get friends vibes from him which is a bit disappointing. He is also doing the same shit Suresh did where he just doesn’t reply to text messages, etc. I want to ask him but it doesn’t really matter does it? I see that he’s active on Instagram but he ignored my message there. He ignores my texts… I see his phone he has thousands of unread messages… So I’m just lost in the mess I guess.

I know that to have a relationship, I have to focus on being friends with that person first… But I just can’t do that for some reason. I go out a few times, I get attached (lust?) and I just want to be “BF’s”. I just can’t seem to get that transition down from going to being nothing to begin friends to being boy friends. I also can’t just seem to be “just friends” with these people. The only people who seem to see the real me and want to be with me are people who are already fucking married.

I’ve realized that was a huge downfall between me and Darin actually. I was mean to him, pushed him away because my feelings for him were getting too strong. I want to text him and apologize but every time I write something it comes out too self centered. I feel like I should just write him and say “I’m sorry for what happened”. But I always feel it needs more context and explanation. Is “I’m sorry” enough?

We had our first dinner party the other night. Derik, Mark and Mark. I felt it was super awkward. Like is this really what we are doing in life? Is this what is fun for people? I dunno. We sat on the roof and chatted and drank, then came down and had dinner and just sat around the dinner table talking. There was lots of awkward silence and stuff and I guess the one Mark (who my friend Mark brought) was just not into it? They did convince me to buy tickets to this circuit party this weekend but I just don’t know if I want to go or not. It’s not really my thing but I do want to experience it.

Do I love myself? I’m not even sure. What is and what is not fun for me? I am not even sure I know that right now. I watch these videos of people online who moved to Mexico during the pandemic. They talked yesterday in the video about how they have spent the last 15 years traveling to the same spot over and over again because they loved it so much. Now they live there… Is there somewhere like that for me? What do I love so much that I want to do it over and over again? Honestly, nothing. I don’t even love camping that much, I don’t love hiking that much… What DO I love so much that I WANT to do it over and over? Am I even really any good at anything? Sure I can get a lot of stuff done but I’m not GOOD at stuff. I’m not an expert at anything really. I’m just mediocre in life, failure in dating, and not even sure I am a fun person.

I want to message people like Humberto who said they rejected me because I “achieved too much” and they can’t stand up next to me and be like, “LOOK, I’m just a failure, I am just here being boring”. I’m not too much for you. You can be my partner and I’ll be super happy.

All I want in life is someone to be there for me, someone to cook with, someone to be happy with sitting on the couch watching movies, someone to go out hiking with and camping, someone to go sailing. I just want that person I can count on who I can plan trips with.

Categories
My Life

Hi Chris. :)

Boys and boys. Always about the boys and confusing as always.

Things have been busy since I got back from sailing. Work has been work as usual and this stupid project is just not getting what I want done. I am honestly just so over it at this point. We delayed the project yet again so that we could get upgraded to BC18 which would have been a huge improvement over what we have now but then our consultant basically said that wasn’t going to be possible at all. So now we need to either move back to the original timeline or we need to keep the current timeline. I really do not like the current timeline as it’s scheduled to go live in December which causes a lot of problems for me time wise.

Speaking of December, I am going back to Iowa of course and so I texted Suresh about spending some time at his place and hanging out. He said he had to “ask his roommate” but he hasn’t gotten back to me since then. I also was REALLY drunk Saturday night and texted him: “I really miss cuddling”. His reply: “I’m sure you can find a good cuddler in Oakland”. WTF. Not, “I miss cuddling too” or anything like that. ::rolls eyes::

Rav texted me and invited me to some asian dance party and also to a circuit party. I told him I would be interested in both but for the asian dance party I wouldn’t know until saturday depending on how tired I am. He said something else and I jokingly said: “why, if I don’t come are you going to invite another hookup”. He hasn’t replied to me since. He was also in oakland yesterday and no message. So whatever. I honestly feel a bit used by him. Before my sailing class he was all about hanging out multiple times per week, he was initiating hanging out, etc. In my opinion he was the one who was pushing it more towards romantic/sexual, etc. Then we had sex and now he wants to be “just friends”. Was the sex bad or something? I would love to go to the things with him but I just can’t stand by and watch him like fuck or make out with other people. I don’t want to be the guy at the bar who’s trying to get with him and he keeps running away to someone else. I’m not that desperate. For the circuit party he said “My friends ditched me” which makes me feel like I”m just the backup plan anyway.

I had a date with Mark which was nice. He’s a nice guy and we had a good time. He’s going to come over today and we are going to go for a hike… But he told me he is moving to San Francisco. I am sure once he moves there things will change and he will not want to hang out any more.

Charles is the big one here, we have hung out three times since I got back from sailing. I am honestly not sure what is going on at all though. First we met Thursday and went to this DJ thing in SF, it was super chill, we sat next to each other on the couch, had drinks, listed to the DJ and just had a good time. Then we met Saturday and he brought his best friend Eric with him. This was SUPER awk. I invited Derik as well so that we could be a foursome instead of having Eric feel like a third wheel. But it was clear AS SOON as they got there that Eric was either not happy or something was up. He was very stand offish, mean, not willing to have a conversation about anything at all. We all got Viet food and then went back to our apartment so they could see it. We got back and Derik went into his room to hide or something so it was just the three of us in the living room area.

At this point, I just wanted them to leave honestly. I didn’t want CHARLES to leave but I wanted this Eric guy to leave. So I purposely tried to make it very awk. Eric was just… I’m not even sure how to explain it… So Charles and I sat on the couch and Eric sat at the kitchen table having a drink. FINALLY they decided to go to some bar here in Oakland that Charles’ aunt owns and I was like “Ok, have fun”. But then Charles invited me to come along. So I went, why not?

We got to the bar and Eric was still super weird, he just sat there silently, I tried to talk to him and he would give me one word answers. Charles and I chatted here and there but it was just strange. We had a lot of drinks, some free shots, and I got very drunk… We walked back to the apartment around 11pm and I said goodnight to them.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about Charles or what is going on with him at this point. He totally ghosted me. (come to find out it’s because some other guy was into him or something. I didn’t get the whole story). Now he’s back and hanging out but we haven’t kissed or anything yet, just hugs so far.

Sunday, I was in Vallejo all day long. I texted Charles as I was leaving and he invited me to come have dinner with him at work. So I drove over there, bought dinner from this place down the street and then we sat outside and ate. I mean this is the sort of thing I want, “Hey, I’m passing by you”; “Come have dinner with me”. That’s exactly the sort of reply I want out of someone, not “I’m sure you can find a good cuddler in oakland”.

But I’m not even sure if Charles is remotely interested or just a “friends only” type thing. I also don’t know if I should bring it up yet or not. I mean we’ve had sex multiple times before as hookups… Then he disappeared now it’s like we’re back at ground zero but as dating/friends? I want to just ask him, “what are we doing”. I want to be clear about the expectations. I’m fine if he wants to be JUST FRIENDS but I want to know now. I don’t want this to end up another Suresh or Rav situation.

We made plans to go hike on Thursday.

Categories
My Life

Sailing.

Spent the last week having an amazing time. Learning to sail was so much fun and I am hooked. I cannot wait to do it again. There’s a lot of stress though with learning something new and something that can potentially go wrong. But I really had a great time. The whole trip was just nothing but happiness and excitement.

But of course, it ended poorly. Rav and I had sex (first time after 5 dates) before I left for the trip, we had a good time, we talked about hanging out more, he said he would miss me while I was gone. We texted every day I was gone. Thursday I messaged him and asked when we were going to hang out again. He replied “let’s plan something”. I told him I got back on Saturday at 1pm and was free saturday night or any evening this week. No reply… No reply… No reply… Sunday I message him at 5am cause I couldn’t sleep. He was still awake which was surprising. He told me he had just got back from the bars… I said, “what no invite?” he said he “got the days confused”… I asked him if he was just not interested any more. He replied with: “Yeah, I’m just looking for something casual and I’m not looking to commit or anything serious right now. I’m not ready to be in another relationship yet. I’m taking this time to know myself and figure out what I want to do”… Ok, that’s fine. I’m cool with casual with him. But Jesus. And then, no reply since then. So I assume that it’s not that he doesn’t want something casual, he just doesn’t want anything at all with me. So of course, what was an amazing trip, ended with a let down.

Suresh and I chatted a bit yesterday, that was nice. Charles messaged me on instagram about something, we were talking about what had been going on, so I just switched to text message. No reply from him there. I seriosuly DO NOT understand these guys.

I am also super down about what’s going on with the fucking friends/etc. Now that I know how to sail, I really want to plan some big trips, invite 8 or 10 people to go along. But I don’t even know 8 or 10 people at this point that would want to or be able to go even. I was super excited cause Rav and I talked bout it, he said he was down, wanted to go, the reddit boys would love to go.. etc etc. Now he won’t even reply to me any more.

Like what’s the point of learning to sail, what’s the point of doing this stuff if I can’t even get anyone to be my friend, to hang out with me, to want to date me. I told Suresh that I wish I could be more like him in the sense that he just don’t give a fuck. I wish I could just not give a fuck, be happy just sitting home watching tv all day, not doing anything. Cause seriously, what am I going to do in 10 years? Still be single and alone, have no one to go anywhere with.

I need more female or straight male friends. Fuck the gays.