Our First Argument

Well, Kellie and I had our first real argument… On Saturday night we went out to see The Wiz with Andrew, Steve, Matt and some other guy(?). While we were waiting to get into the show we were talking about the new apple vision and I had sent Andrew a TikTok earlier that day of people using it.

I said to kellie, have you seen the tiktoks yet? And he said “No”, so I scrolled back through the conversation with Andrew to show it to him. He got all pissed off for two things
1) I had sent Andrew a picture of my outfit before I left home asking him if it was cute.
2) Kellie was pissed off because I didn’t send HIM the TikTok but instead sent it to Andrew and he felt “stupid”.

Honestly, these two things are just such an expression of insane anxiety and it’s SO OVER THE TOP. So I brushed him off and basically told him it was insane that he was upset over those two things.

BUT the good news is that we TALKED about it. There were a few points during the argument where I was like “Fuck, it’s another Charles”. Kellie would just sort of shut down and stop talking but when I asked him to elaborate or talk more, he said “I just need a second to process my feelings” And he would sit there and then talk more about the problem.

Kellie is great. But he’s HELLA anxious. Even at JP Saxe, he got a little grumpy that I was “looking around”.

Anyway, we had a great Sunday together, we even meal prepped again which was super cute.

I ran into Serge (Charles’ roommate) at the gym Sunday. We talked for nearly an hour. It was good/refreshing to hear that he sees the same issues I had with Charles. He even told me that he scolded him for the way he treated me when I picked up Astra. For not asking me how the trip was and for not getting up off the couch to say goodbye. Serge said he told Charles he was an “asshole” to me. (his word) but I agree.

Honestly, made me feel good to hear that he’s pushing him and telling him off. He needs to hear that.

Serge said he wanted to meet for drinks sometime.. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this. It’s the same with Jim, he keeps asking me to go to dinner. But I don’t know how I feel about keeping these connections to Charles open. I am sort of at the point where I just want to shut the door, move on, be happy with Kellie. But part of me also wants to keep that door cracked, so that we can be friends in the future. I need to process how I feel about that more.

Kellie even said he had a dream the other night that we were old and my dementia was setting in and I kept calling him Charles.. That I had never gotten over or moved past him.

Speaking of old friends, I forgot to mention that on my birthday Jason texted me happy birthday. I never replied. That is a door that’s firmly shut.

BVI’s, JP Saxe

Back from my birthday trip. It was a lot of fun. We had two days of terrible weather with rain and winds up to 45knts which was super stressful trying to navigate through. But I think that everyone still had fun. The other days were nice and we spent a lot of time just hanging out, swimming, snorkeling, etc. It was good to have them all around but of course. I missed you know who while I was there. Everyone said we should make this a yearly event. So we’ll see if we can make that happen.

Came back and Kellie was an 45 minutes late picking me up from the airport cause he fell asleep. I was super pissed but whatever. He brought me a cake which was sweet.

Nothing much else has been going on TBH. Kellie and I have been going well of course, there have been a few minor annoyances with his super anxious attachment. But we talk it out and things move forward.

Last night was the JP Saxe concert. I met him in person and had no idea what to say to him. It was SUPER awk. While I was standing in line, all I could think of was Charles standing there with me, holding my hand. Squeezing it the way he does in nervous excitement. I could just imagine how excited he would have been to meet JP. Everyone got a couple minutes to sit and talk to him. I just met him, introduced myself and then asked for a pic. I didn’t know what to say. “Yeah, My ex bf who broke my heart introduced me to your music and every time I hear it, I cry my eyes out”. I don’t think that’s the kind of message he’s looking for before a show.

Of course, after the show I was a little drunk and wanted to call him so badly. James replied with “it would’ve been a bad idea 😬”…. I assume that means he had a boy with him or something.

Why after all this time does he still hurt my heart so much. I went and picked up astra the other day after the trip and he didn’t even fucking ask how the trip went. Just kinda sat there awkwardly. He doesn’t care about me. He says he wants to be friends but when we hang out he doesn’t act like it. He doesn’t invite me or include me to anything. He doesn’t reach out and just say “hey, how are you”. So why can’t I fucking get past him.

In other news, my cousins are apparently trying to sue my mother over my grandma’s estate. Fucking greedy ass shit.

Grandma’s Funeral and Kellie Update

I found out about grandma dying from a text message at 2am: “Grandma’s gone”. That was it.

Yesterday was grandma’s funeral. I didn’t go back because flights were over $1000 and I’d only be able to spend like 36 hours there. Also I don’t really want to face the cousins on that side of the family. Apparently it was a very small and very tense affair. My dad says that basically none of the cousins on that side of the family even talked to my dad or my mom. There’s a whole bunch of drama around grandma and her finances. The cousins, from what I hear, basically wanted her to just stay in her tiny little $600/month apartment by herself instead of getting the care and help she needed from an $8,000/month assisted living apartment and they are pissed my mom moved her from Carroll to Des Moines…

My cousin even texted me “If I hear one more snarky comment form your mother, I’m going to explode”.

My mom even said that the cousins weren’t visiting her the past few years, they weren’t sending her cards, calling her on her birthday, etc. Which hurts. They were all much closer to her then I ever was. They lived within miles of her (two of them were walking distance). They spent much more time with her. And yet they just “seem” like they are just in it for their inheritance, money. Greedy.

I dunno, it was hard when my Grandma Black died, we were all close to her. And when the “kids” (my parents, aunts) basically excluded all of us grandkids from the affairs it was a little annoying.

But my mom says she was texting my cousins, telling them about grandma’s finances, etc. Which I wasn’t included in (again a little annoying my cousins are getting more information then I was).

Which really brings me to the biggest point of this whole discussion around grandma. My whole life, I feel like mom kept us at arms length from her. We never really got to spend time with her, never got to get to know her and that kinda hurts. There were things in the obituary that I was like “Wait, grandma did that?!” I just wish we had known her better, that we had been closer to her. That we had been able to have those times with her the way we had with Grandma & Grandpa Black. Go spend weeks with them during the summer. Spend holidays together, etc.

With Grandma Sibbel, it was always just a quick 2-3 hours, go visit then go home. I was never close to her, but I always sent her cards. I tried to call her on her birthday, etc. Most of the time she was never home and I just always left voicemails. Her and I never really talked, never really got to know each other. And it makes me sad… She was my grandma. I haven’t cried at all over her loss.

On other topics. Things with Kellie are amazing so far. He’s so communicative, sharing his feelings and emotions, talking about things. Discussing what bothers him. It’s so refreshing. Last weekend I came down to his place and his best friend invited him out to dinner. I told him to go have a good time, but can you please be home by 10. He said “sure babe”. no argument, no discussion. he was home on time. Throughout the evening he was texting me what they were doing, asking me what I was doing. Etc. He made me feel incredibly comfortable.

The other night, I was kinda upset about something non-related to him. He knew exactly what to say, how to handle it. How to make me feel better. No just “Try harder”. he talked to me about what was upsetting me, talked about what we can do to change things. etc.

Every time we hang out, he’s just so sweet, so caring, so loving. He’s so into me. I’m so into him. I love that we can sit at dinner with our phones face down and just talk about shit. I love that he’s excited to do things together, to plan things together, to take time off.

I love that he remembers things. It’s only been one month and 10 days. But things are excellent so far. We will see how things continue to progress.

ONE thing so far that I don’t like though, is that sometimes when we are joking around he takes it a little bit too far. He will say things like “asshole” and “jerk” which I don’t really appreciate. But I have to just remind myself we’re just joking around, we’re having fun. But it does kinda sting a tiny bit.

Apparently Charles’ roommate saw Kellie and I in the gym the other day, he reported that to Charles, who reported it to Jim, who reported it to me.

I’m heading to the BVI’s tonight for a week. Charles is watching Astra while I’m gone. I texted him Monday and just asked if I could just drop her off at his place on Thursday. He said sure but then he asked if we could get breakfast. So we went to breakfast. It was hella awkward. I just feel like both of us didn’t want to talk about certain things.

It was funny though cause we were talking about where to go and he said “huckleberry or bear”. I said “let’s go to huckleberry, I haven’t’ been to one in years”. he said “Yes you have, we went to the one in Treat not long ago. You ate the biscuits and gravy and there was a semi cute boy behind you”. I wanted to reply with “How can you remember that but you fail to remember things like my birthday”. But I didn’t.

We did talk about things. He asked about Kellie and I could see tears in his eyes when I was talking about him. He said “If you had asked Kellie to watch astra instead of me, I would have been very upset”; He also said that when serge told him about seeing me at the gym with Kellie it made him “feel a certain way”.

I told him, “Yeah, I get the same feeling every time I have to fucking hear about you and Anthony”. I wish I had pushed him a little harder on that topic. What did he feel, what else did he want to say.

We walked out of the diner and I hugged him as we walked, shoulder to shoulder. And I told him: “Charles, after everything we’ve been together, you can tell me anything. There’s no judgement here.”

When we parted ways, we gave each other a big hug. He said “I’ll always love you”. I told him the same.

I really love him to death. I care about him, I want to see him happy and I want to see him achieve what he wants to. I want him to fly in life. I wish that I could have been by his side for it. I wish I could have been there to help him. But maybe my time with him was to just help him realize some things. I do hope we can continue working on a friendship of some sort. But I want him to take the lead on it. I’m debating if when I pick up Astra, I suggest “Hey, gym and lunch?”

I feel like he’s holding himself back at times. I wrote him yet another long ass note yesterday and I sent it to him. I hope he continues to grow and understand himself.

I’m excited to see where things go with Kellie, I’m excited to see where 2024 takes me.

I’m happy right now. Let’s keep it up, Christopher.

RIP Pat Sibbel

May 26, 1929 — January 16, 2024

Funeral services for Patricia Ann Sibbel, of West Des Moines and formerly of Manning, will be held at 1:00 p.m. on Thursday, January 18, 2024, at Ohde Funeral Home in Manning. Visitation will be after 12:30 on Thursday at the funeral home. Interment will be in Manning Cemetery.

Patricia Ann Sibbel (Lightfoot) passed away on Tuesday, January 16, 2024, at Jordan Creek MorningStar in West Des Moines, Iowa. Pat was born in Fairfield, Iowa on May 26, 1929, to Wilbur and Opal (Davidson) Lightfoot. She grew up in Fairfield where she attended school and graduated in 1948. Pat earned the highest rank in Girl Scouts and was an aviation cadet in the Wing Scouts. She was active in school playing the accordion, an award-winning flag swinger and a member of the American Junior Red Cross.

On December 30, 1950, Pat was united in marriage with William “Billie” E. Sibbel of Manning. Bill was attending Parsons College and she was working in Fairfield. They were married in the Christian Church in Oskaloosa and made their home on the farm located north of Manning. From this union were three daughters, Constance Gay “Connie”, Diana Kay, and Peggy Ann.

Pat was an active member of the Manning and Carroll Presbyterian Church, the Mariners Club, Homemakers Club, a Girl Scout leader and helped with the 4-H Club. Pat is a 50+ year member of the Order of Eastern Star. With guidance from of her father-in-law Bill Sibbel, Pat was able to manage the family farm, despite being widowed in 1968. The late 60s, Pat attended Midwestern College in Denison majoring in Art. In 1976 Pat moved from the farm to Carroll where she was employed by the State of Iowa as the District Clerk to the Carroll County Soil Conservation board. Upon retiring she remained in Carroll until 2019, returning briefly to Manning. In 2022 she moved to Waukee to be closer to her daughter and be part of a retirement community.

In her spare time and retirement, Pat enjoyed taking the grandkids to Swan Lake to play with remote boats and have picnics. With her dog Micky at her side, she enjoyed traveling across America in her conversion van to visit family and take in the sites. Her CB handle known to many was “Mother Goose.” Hawaii was her favorite vacation spot and traveled there several times. Quilting and being a member of the Carroll County Genealogy Society were other passions she enjoyed.

Pat is preceded in death by her husband Bill; daughters Connie Snyder and Diana Fagan; and a sister Shirley Smith. Surviving is her brother-in-law Bill Smith of Mount Pleasant, Iowa; daughter Peggy (Jim) Black of Polk City, Iowa; sons-in-law Robert Snyder and Robert Fagan, both of Manning, Iowa. She also leaves behind 7 grandchildren, 8 great grandchildren, 2 step-great grandchildren, 5 nieces and their spouses and children.

The family would like to express deep appreciation and gratification to the staff at Jordan Creek MorningStar, medical team at Metro Geriatrics, and the St. Croix Hospice team for their wonderful care and support of Pat. The family requests in lieu of flowers, memorials can be made to the Manning Presbyterian Church.

Happy New Year!

Back from Palm Springs and New Years happened.

Palm Springs was ok. Christmas was tons of fun. We had Mom, Dad, Andy, Jim, Deb, Sean, Hut, Mike & Nathan over. It was a nice group. Although dad doesn’t use salt at all any more and his food is bland. I was so happy that it turned out the way it did and I got to celebrate with friends and family. I’m hoping we can continue on such a tradition!

Other than that, not much happened there. My brother is so overweight and out of shape that he can’t do anything. We tried doing some SHORT FLAT hikes and he couldn’t even do those. We tried to convince him to not even go on the boat trip but he said he wanted too. We’ll see how that goes.

While there I spent hours on the phone every night with Kellie, which was nice. We talk about everything and I love how clear he is, how open he is, I love how he asks me about everything. It’s been so refreshing. He IS very sensitive about things though which we need to navigate somehow.

Decided that I do not want to go to Austin with the group. It sucks because it will be a fun trip, sounds like a lot of nice stuff planned and I hate that I’m going to miss out on the connection with Jay & James more as friends. But overall I think it’s the right decision to still give Charles and I space and time. I spoke directly to Charles about it and hopefully he understands the decision.

Drove home from PS straight to Kellie’s place, spent the night there which was great, Sunday we came up to my place, hung out and then went to the city for NYE. Originally the plan was to go to Powerhouse but my friends invited us to their place to watch the fireworks. So we went there and had a great time. There was one point where Kellie felt that I was “ignoring” him because Andrew and I were talking about work stuff so he went to the couch and pouted a bit. I talked to him and I think he’s fine now. Kinda a red flag TBH.

On the drive home from NYE he drunkly told me he loved me, which is way too soon. On Monday though we talked about it and he admitted it was too soon and just said it because he was tired of saying “I really like you”.

Like I said, I love how he talks about emotional things, he plans stuff out, etc. It’s easy to talk to him about what’s going on, how we feel, etc. He’s very smart which is great.

Monday evening we went out to KBBQ with Ace. After we went to boba and Kellie mentioned Club Fugazi which I’ve been wanting to go to for a while but Charles could never commit to it or seemed interested in it. When Kellie mentioned it, I said “oh, I’ve been wanting to go”. He bought us tickets right away! That right there is a HUGE thing for me.

We’re back to this weird dating transition period. Honestly, I don’t even want to hookup with other people or even go on more dates with people. Just want to see where this takes me. AT this moment, we got to celebrate brining in 2024 together and I’m hoping we can celebrate ending 2024 together.

Mom texted today that Grandma Sibbel is going down hill. Her vitals are dropping and she’s very confused. Says she saw grandpa in her room.