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I feel homeless

This month sucks…

So not only the roommate/trip drama, taxes being due (and having to pay $102,000 to the GOV!), and now my fucking BIKE has been stolen. So I’m going to have to go buy a new one now. I’m totally broke AF.

I feel completely homeless right now. I’m basically living at Charle’s house and his brothers are clearly not happy that I am here all the time. I can’t go back to my own apartment cause it’s AWK AF and I don’t even feel comfortable living there any more.

When we got home, I emailed the PM and asked what our options were to move out. The PM replied that the lease break fee is $17,000!!! He offered a few other options. 1) Derik moving out and I would have to to re-qualify for the apartment, not a problem but I feel like Derik should still owe something. 2) Rent Responsible – Which means that we would have to pay rent (and not live there) until they find a new person. This is pretty risky, but I guess a pretty good option.

I emailed Derik the options. 1) We break the lease and because he wants to break it, he should pay the majority of the Lease break fee (75%) or 2) He moves out and I keep the apartment but he pays for 50% of the remaining months rent ($8k).

He replied and just said “neither of these options work for me”. I replied with “ok, you’re the one who wants to move out, what options do you suggest” and he replied “none of these work for me”. WTF. Ok how about you fucking SUGGEST an option that DOES work for you. It’s a fucking negotiation here. You tell me what you want, I told you what I wanted.

Like at this point. I just really want him out. I want to be able to go to my own house and not feel uncomfortable that he’s going to randomly show up. I was at the apartment on saturday afternoon to do laundry and honestly, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I think there’s some other options that we can do but honestly I don’t really want to fucking suggest them to him. I’m also not sure where the fuck I am going after this. If we move forward with just moving out what do I do next? Do I just go ahead and get an apartment by myself, do I jump and get a place with Charlie? I feel it’s way too early to get a our own place but at the same time. We practically live together since January anyway. Do I move away from the bay, leaving behind Charlie and just doing my own fucking thing.

The other options are
1) We do the rent responsible thing – This could cost us each $1,800 or it could end up costing us $16,000 each. Just depending on how long it takes them to fill the apartment. One month or the remaining lease months? Will they actually put effort into filling an empty apartment that’s already being paid for?
2) He just move out and I don’t charge him anything. This would be a horrible financial option for me, but I can afford it. That just means that I would be spending nearly $4k/month on rent for an apartment. Charlie would basically move in with me there (free-ish)
3) Find a new roommate to replace one of the two of us. This could be an option but a little difficult to find someone who’s willing to pay $1800/month for one bedroom with some random person they don’t already know. If we could find a traveling nurse that would be perfect.
4) I dunno. Is there any other option? Or are we just stuck together for 8 more months.

This whole situation just really sucks. Since I was 18 years old, I’ve had MY OWN PLACE (except for one short stint in a shared rental in OC). I’ve always been the one in control, the one who makes the decisions about what happens. Now here I am fucking 40 years old and stuck, practically homeless with no where that I feel comfortable being.

I wish I could go back 8 months, not sell the Vallejo house and just still be there. Had I known things were going to go the way they were with Charlie, I would have stayed there.

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In Bora Bora

So, first day here in Bora Bora and things are going well so far. I mean all we’ve done is sit by the pool while we wait to go to the airport for the flight to the next island and then boarding the boat.

I wanted to do a quick update though about Charlie. It’s really been on my mind this morning and I don’t know how to approach things with him to get him to not be defensive about it.

Last Tuesday we got into a HUGE HUGE fight and I honestly thought it was the end of things. We were hanging out at his house and I told him I wanted to be in Oakland by 5pm. We were meeting Eric at 6 and I wanted to have time to get ready, maybe have some sex, walk astra, etc. Well it was 4:30 and he was fucking watching tiktoks again, his laundry was in the dryer and he needed to fold it before we could leave. So I was pushing him to get it done. He got all pissed at me cause I was pushing him and he was like “you’re dating a filipino you have to get used to this”. Excuse me, well you’re dating a white guy and I want to be on time for shit. So we packed and he was clearly all pissed off. We get to my house, he’s still clearly pissed off so I ask him to go up to the roof to talk about it. I told him that he needs to figure out what the fuck he wants out of this realtionship, this isn’t working for me the way it was. We didn’t have much time to talk cause Eric showed up.

We walk down stairs and get in the car and start driving and it’s complete silence. I try to talk to Eric and not any reply at all. So I text Charlie and I’m like “should I just go home”, he says “NO”. We get to the comedy club and again super awk, silence all around. The show was great and then after the show they decide to go to this rooftop bar. Honestly I just wanted to fucking go home. It was so god damn awkward and annoying that no one was talking.

We get to the bar and of course more silence. Eric sits there on his phone. Seriously. I am done trying to be nice to him. I am done trying to pull the fucking conversation with him. I get up and go to the bathroom and those two are chatting away, laughing, I get back, silence. We drive home and Charlie invites Eric up to have a water. Well somehow that turned into shots and I was pissed. I went to the bathroom and Charlie followed me and we had a bit of a fight in there. I think Eric got the hint cause he excused himself right away after that.

Once Charlie and I were alone I started talking, he sat there in silcense. Not saying a word. Turned his back to me and just pretended to sleep. He’s said in the past when this happens he just needs his space. So I let him sit there for an hour. It was now almost 3am and I got pissed off. he started to pack his bags and was walking out the door. I grabbed him and pulled him back in bed and told him some stuff to get him to calm down and we went to bed.

The next morning was super awk and honestly since then things have been bad, IMHO. Like we are “back to normal” but he’s also been way more distant via text. He’s completely stopped with the “at work now babe” or “on my way home”. He doesn’t update me throughout the day any more. He completely ignores me in fact. If I text him, no reply until after he’s off work. He has basically stopped sending any sort of emotional icons “kiss faces, etc” through text.

Honestly this is not how I want thing to be. He clearly texts Eric throughout the day, eh clearly has plenty of time to be on instagram and ticktock. HE needs to figure out what he wants. I want to approach this with him again. I need to let him know that I am not happy with this, that I want more out of him. That I want him to tell me when he gets to work, etc. He says he “forgets”. BS. He’s on his phone all day long at work.

Last night, example. I was flying to Tahiti, he had family come over and they hung out. Well he didn’t text me anything, didn’t say anything.

This week will be interesting while I’m away. He did text me that he misses me already. But then today we were texting in the morning and he jus stopped… I assume cause he got to work. But how about a “I’m at work now babe, talk later” message? Is that really too hard or too much to ask from him?

I wonder how much he will hang out with Eric this week. Will he tell me ahead of time he is going to hang out with Eric? Last tuesday, I actually suggested the two of them hang out this upcoming tuesday to go to a brunch place Charles has been wanting to eat at. Let’s see if that comes through and if Charles let’s me know when they plan it.

I dunno, I like him. I enjoy our time together but I just don’t really want this much drama in a young relationship. I don’t want to have to beg him to give me what I want. I don’t think that I am asking too much by asking for him to text me these things but his reply is basically always the same: “I come home to you ever day, I see you every morning. Why do you have to have so much attention throughout the day”. because I’m needy AF? LOL

Ugh. It’s just frustrating. I also wonder if we are even compatible long term. I’m here in bora bora. I want to do way more trips like this. But he can never get time off. He doesn’t have money to do these things. He even admitted to me he is struggling financially but when ever I bring up trying to help with a budget or something he just seems to ignore me.

I just don’t know. I want him to be more, I want him to express more, I want him to open up to me more. But I don’t know how to push him and tell him to do that, to even bring it up with him without him getting upset and shutting down.

I just hate how he wastes so much fucking time watching TikTok and instagram. I just hate that we don’t have much sex because he would rather watch TikTok. I hate that we are in this pattern already as only being together 3 months where a peck on the lips is all I get. There’s no passion from him.

Another example. I left Friday morning at 8am from his house (more like 8:30). I woke up at 8, showered, brushed my teeth, got ready and he was still in bed. I packed my things and got ready to leave. He’s still in bed. I kiss him goodbye and he doesn’t seem to really care that much. I walk out of his room and am leaving the house and he FINALLY COMES out to the front door and gives me one last peck. No passionate kisses, no long hugs goodbye, no “I’m going to miss you so much”. He BARELY could even muster getting out of bed to say goodbye to me. If rolls had been reversed, I would have been up and made him coffee while he was showering, I would have been standing there the whole time hugging him and kissing him. I would have walked him to his car and waved goodbye as he drove away.

Honestly, it’s just like he doesn’t care. I even told him It felt like I’m here just to fill his time.

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My Life

I’m getting resentful

Things with Charlie have been tough lately. I’m just getting resentful AF and things keep piling up and we just keep arguing about shit. It’s little stuff that could be easily avoidable, but just pisses me off.

Like the other day, I bought him Girl Scout cookies, he comes home and sees them on his desk and the first thing he can say is “how come you didn’t buy them from the Girl Scouts I know”… no thanks for the cookies babe or anything like that. It’s been days and he still hasn’t said thanks.

This past Sunday, I had planned a nice evening with some hot springs, a massage, etc to just relax. I reminded him about it twice. Once verbally and once via text. In the text, I listed three days and said “Make sure you have these evenings off”. Well he pops it on me that he’s closing that sunday. I told him that I had planned something and he tried to turn it around on me and blame ME for not reminding him. No,”Sorry babe, I totally forgot” or anything like that.

The last two days, I’ve honestly just wanted to pack my shit and just go home. Monday he comes home from work all pissed off and basically treated me like shit. We got into a huge fight at the gym about that. He was like “well I told you I’m sorry if I act like a jerk”. WTF that’s not how it should be. Just because you have a shitty day at work doesn’t mean you come home and treat me like shit. He also told me he was resentful of the fact that I got to have an enjoyable day that day (I had gone on a bike ride, taken astra on a hike, etc).

The other thing is that he’s totally changed as far as texting, etc goes. He says he hasn’t but he has. IE today, I text him after he got to work and said “Have a good day babe”. No reply and it’s been hours. You can’t tell me he hasn’t looked at his phone once in hours. He barely texts me at all any more. He used to text me on his lunch breaks and we’d talk about stuff. Now nothing all day long.

Yesterday, he got home from school, I was at his place but out walking astra. He gets home and doesn’t text me that he’s home. I come back and he’s sleeping in bed, I give him a kiss on the cheek and he doesn’t kiss me back just rolls over. I get in bed and ask “So are you just going to nap” and he says “Give me a second”. Well a second turns into 1.5 hours of napping. So WTF am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for you? He finally wakes up and is like “ok, ready for the gym” and we go to t he gym and get into a fight while on the way there about him napping. I just find it rude AF that he can’t just tell me “I’d like to nap, can you give me 30 minutes” or whatever.

We’re going to Vegas next week and last night he was freaking out because he doesn’t have anything to wear. He pulled a bunch of shit out of his closet and he was like “can you drop this off at the dry cleaners”. Seriously? Am I just a fucking errand boy for him? Like I know he’s busy at work and school but what does he do for me? Also apparently it’s now my job to plan Vegas because he is just too busy (but remember, he could spend an hour and a half napping yesterday).

He could easily bring me something small to appease me. Tuesday morning, I got up to go walk astra. He has Tuesdays off because he goes to class in the morning. When I left to walk astra he was watching tiktoks. When I got back, he was STILL watching tiktoks. He could have got up for 5 minutes while I was gone and made us coffee or something nice.

I just feel like everything _I_ do and everything he does is just annoying each other lately.

Him and Eric have clearly been texting a lot lately. Every time he goes to unlock his phone there’s a new message from him. So, if you can text Eric that much you can text your fucking boyfriend. I can’t remember if I mentioned the whole coffee thing one his birthday, but apparently Eric dropped off coffeee to him on his birthday. Now I am constantly wondering how often Eric just “drops by” to bring him shit. Apparently Eric drives past Charlie’s work every day. Monday I came over an there was a new Demon Slayer stocking cap on the desk. Where did that come from? Did Eric drop it off at his work too?

I just feel like he hides shit like that from me. I feel like he just treats me as his maid/mother/errand boy rather then his boyfriend. He doesn’t do anything to make me happy lately, but he told me last night he “misses when I made him happy”. WTF. I am still doing tons of shit FOR YOU.

Is this really what I want? Yesterday was our three month’s… Neither one of us have used the “L” word yet… Is it moving that way or not? I am honestly not sure.

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My Life

Another fight about Eric

Things have been going really well. We have been getting along, getting into a groove. Charlie’s Birthday was last week and we all went out to this big party with his family (and Eric) then went out to Castro. I took him on a flight over the SF bay the day after which was super fun and beautiful.

We haven’t been doing too much, mostly just Gym, eat, go out once a week to a bar or something.

Last week Charlie told me that Eric wanted to go see The Batman movie this week, he asked if I wanted to go with them. I said yes. Well yesterday I asked him if it was still going on. One of my friends asked if I wanted to have dinner/drinks with them to talk about something personal and I asked Charlie the movie was still going on.

I figured I would give him and Eric the chance to go see the movie together and my friend and I would go out to dinner. Charlie said ‘Yeah, we’re going to see it Wednesday’. I asked him when that was planned and he said last week. WTF?! So last week he knew that it was Wednesday but never told me? So was I ACTUALLY invited to this movie or was he just going to drop it on me and be like “oh BTW Eric and I are going to the movie tomorrow”.

So I told him about my friend wanting to get drinks and asked if they could do it Thursday or Friday. He said Eric didn’t want to do it either of those days. So then I was like “ok, well we can still just do Wednesday”… But then somehow I got totally left out of the plans and now I’m not going tonight to the movie?

This started a whole huge fight. Like the biggest fight we’ve had in our relationship. I can’t even really remember everything that went down but we drove back from SF in silence. Got to his house and he refused to talk about it. So I just left and started driving home. He called me and was like “come back”. So I did and we talked a bit about it. Honestly, I”m still pretty pissed about this whole situation.

Like, he claims that _I_ have to be the bigger man and ask Eric out to do things, he says that _I_ need to be the one to make things better with Eric. BULLSHIT. HE is the one who’s the middle man here, he’s the one who needs to step up and first tell Eric to get his shit together and secondly he needs to respect his boyfriend and be up front with Eric about what is happening.

Come to find out that last week when he “invited” me to the movie, he never TOLD Eric he invited me.

Ultimately the problem here IMHO is that he doesn’t want to upset either of us (me and eric) but he ends up pissing us off even more. Like if he wanted to just go see the movie with just Eric. He could have said that last week, could have told me they were going on Wednesday and yes, I would have been a bit annoyed but it would have been fine. Instead he fake invites me, doesn’t tell me the details of what’s going on and then it turns into a huge fight.

Another thing that super annoys me about this is now he’s going to go out and see a movie that I REALLY wanted to see, while I’ll be sitting home alone tonight instead. Super annoying. AGAIN, had he just told me last week that they were going on Wed, I could have easily found another friend go to with. Instead, I assumed I had been INVITED to this movie and that I was going to get to go see it with them.

Sorry this is a pretty incoherent post and I don’t think I’m expressing everything properly. Overall I just feel he’s still very self centered, he doesn’t understand that we’re in a relationship and he needs to consider my feelings/time with things. And to add to the complexity of this issue it’s not just that Eric is his “best friend” it’s that Eric his also his EX/Hookup/Still in love with him! His take is that I should just be “Totally fine” with him going to hang out with Eric and doing whatever he wants with him. But at the same time, I feel like if I were to do that with my friends, he would be pissed off. Because IE last night one of the arguments he used is that I just “spring” on him that I’m going out with my friends. Which I’ve barely seen any of my friends since he and I started dating and when I do go see my friends, I tell him AS SOON AS WE PLAN something. Which for my group of friends is always at least one week in advance. Honestly I get the feeling that he expects me to sit at home and do nothing while he goes out with Eric.

Again something else he said last night was that “it’s ok if you just sit at home while I’m out with Eric”. blah blah blah. Yeah, well _I_ don’t want to just sit at home waiting on your ass while you’re out having fun without me. I have friends that I want to see too and my friends can’t just drop everything at the flip of a hat because they have lives. It’s not like Eric where all he does is go to school.

I just don’t know. Honestly there are times when I’m just like “this is never going to work out” and then there are times where I’m like “this is so great”. Again yesterday, his class got cancelled so we had the whole day to do stuff. He honestly has a LOT OF SHIT that he needs to get done, studying, buying tickets to Philippines, planning Vegas trip, etc etc etc. Instead he choose to fucking take a nap and waste the day on TikTok. Sometimes I feel more like a mother to him then a boyfriend. I’ve done his laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned his room, make him dinner, remind him to get shit done, etc etc. What am I to him exactly?