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Private: Confusion of life

Ok this is going to be a tell all entry that may have lots of things in it that people don’t want to hear, so that is the fair warning to everyone.

So the other night we went out to the Boom. I ended up in the underwear contest again and that was ok, I only got third place this time. Ok so then I was dancing with Joel and he left me, and green shirt boy (Jake) was there and dancing with me and pushing me against the wall and at some point we made out (#1), and after that every time we passed each other, we would grab each other and make out real quick.

Anyways, fast forward the night and we met these guys David and Buck. Well actually I think we had met them earlier that night, but regardless. I start talking to David and well before you know it, we start making out (#2). After a few minutes of that, I literally turned around, and started making out with Buck (#3).

So yeah somehow we end up at Buck and David’s hotel room. I throw up, which totally sucks. Though afterwards I felt perfect so that was super good. Anyways, after that I was in my undies in the hot tub/jacuzzi thing they had and Buck got naked (Buck naked! hehe, ok no jokes) and we made out for awhile and yeah, nothing much else happened at the hotel room.

So Chris and I get back to his place, we fall asleep yada yada. This was after I put on a super cute pair of undies that he had. Anyways, next thing I know, I woke up and I was cuddling him and telling him how much I wanted to fuck him. Well he agrees, and to make a long story short, we have sex. Now we haven’t had any physical contact besides a hug for over a year I think (or just about a year). So it was strange. And there was no real intimacy, we kissed for like 2.5 seconds and I got the impression that he wasn’t wanting to kiss. So yeah, he finished, I finished, and then we basically rolled over and went to sleep. Strange, huh? I thought so too.

Now I’m all conflicted with ideas. I kinda talked to him about it, but not really, I think we are going to talk more later. But I don’t know. It’s annoying to me b/c we are both looking for a relationship right now, and we are both (for the most part) looking for the type of person that we used to be for each other, if that makes sense. For example, the next morning, we woke up and we were just sitting in bed together watching TV and just kinda chatting. And I was thinking “geez this is EXACTLY what I want.” And it really is. And I was thinking how nice it would be to have that again, and then I don’t know, right when I was leaving he was a tad bit flirty for like 2 seconds (and I probably just made that up in my head) but for some reason it made me smile when I left, and confused me. So that’s that. I guess I’ll talk to him later and talk it over. Earlier, he said that it felt nice afterwards b/c it was me, so I don’t know what that means. That’s one issue.

Another issue is that I felt completely trashy and slutty after that night. I mean FOUR people in one night, that’s just horrible. And I decided I really need to curtail my alcohol intake and stop making out with random people. I really just want a decent boyfriend that I can depend on. So all these thoughts are going through my head Saturday and I had a horrible headache (my own fault, of course).

Anyways, point is, I don’t wanna feel trashy anymore and I just want a boyfriend to care about me and that I can care about and it’s annoying and frustrating and throw the whole Chris thing in and it’s like WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!

Well that’s my big drama. In other news, I’m working 8:30-5, which totally sucks. It’s boring, but at least I have things to do the whole time. It’s long and yeah.

Last night I dreamt I murdered someone and I really thought it was true and it was one of those dreams in which you realize it’s a dream but at the same time think it’s true, and I was trying to wake myself up and it took me awhile, but I finally did and then realized I had somehow turned off my alarm in my sleep and barely had enough time to get to work. Though my boss has been late every day so far, so he didn’t know I was late.

Ok I think that’s it. I’ll update more in depth later if anything happens. If anything thrilling happens at Res Life, or if I get super bored, I’ll update more! Anyways, nobody judge me on my activities, I’m trying to change!!!

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Private: I Remember Feeling Like That.

From Steve’s Blog: I must admit, Im in a great mood right now. Yesterday, I took Andrew out on a not-so-adventureous adventure to the mountains. I haven’t been to the mountains in years and I figured Andrew has never been to the so-cal mountains before, so it seemed like it would be fun. One the way there, I had to stop by my house to get some money. Andrew met my mom and Stepfather. It wasn’t really much of a meeting, it was just a meet and greet situation. I got money, grabbed snacks, and we went on our way. I figured all the major mountains would be ridiculously busy (e.g. Lake Arrowhead, Big Bear, etc…), so I opted for a cheaper and closer alternative, Mt. Baldy. The drive up wasn’t that bad; it only took about 45 minutes. As we were approaching Mt. Baldy, I was getting worried as the mountains looked to be barren of snow. Leave it to me to find the one mountain range that didn’t have snow… Anyways, I have a great uncle that lives at the base of the mountain with his family. Andrew and I stopped by his house to say hi and get directions to the mountain village. Side note, my uncle bobby and his family are outrageous and crude usually. But this time, he was pretty low key. I think he was just tired. So, we left and continued towards the snow-less mountain. We went about 15 minutes, away from my uncle’s house and then we saw cars coming back with snow on the hoods. I was sooooo relieved; my date wouldnt be a flop afterall. We kept going higher and higher through mount Baldy and then it started to rain, hail, then snow. I have never seen snow fall and I have also never driven in the snow. I was so nervous, but I tried to contain myself as to not freak out Andrew. We parked the car and started our mini-adventure. It was amazing. The trees were covered in snow and it was white everywhere. sigh. We hiked for a little bit, threw snowballs, made a sordid snow angel, and a stumpy snowman. After those shenanigans,, we hiked to a cliff that overlooked a brook. Watching him catch snowflakes on his tongue made me feel good beyond words. Being there next to him in the snow made me forget about that one weekend. I felt great. I couldn’t help staring at him. It was just amazing to have him hold me and kiss me on that ledge as the snow fell on us. We went back to the car and warmed up, wink wink. We were famished so I tried to find a nice restaurant. We saw a sign for “Top Notch Restaurant-great scenic views and food.” I drove my poor mustang further up the mountain and grimaced through every sharp inclined turn. It turns out, the restaurant was at the top of the mountain; the only way to get there is to pay $25 a person for the ski lifts. So, we left and explored other options. On the way down, we saw a little snack cabin. We walked in and then walked out. It was really shady looking. The snack bar was in someone’s house, weird mountain people’s house… We left the snow and went back to my uncles. He made us sandwiches free of charge and we all watched golf. Oh, my aunt Yolanda (my uncle’s wife) forgot Andrews name and referred to him as “the other one.” God she is adorable, and forgets things easily. After all, she is like 74 years old. We drove back to his room and cuddled for a while and then fell asleep. It was the best nap I’ve ever had.

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Private: The Weird Stuff

From Andrew’s Blog:Ok, so the weird stuff. A week or two ago my mom told me that she had a phone conversation with Chris, and that he is really sad and whatnot. I don’t know why this made me feel so weird, but it did. Probably because she’s my own mother. But also because I had had a dream that involved my mom and Chris and I told steve and jokingly said that when I talk to my mom, she’ll bring up Chris. And then when I called her, she was like “I have to talk to you about Chris” it was really weird. So that was that really.

But then Steve (if you go to his LJ, you can see elaboration) found out that Chris hung out with one of his exes, and it seems to be getting at him for some reason. But then he wrote that he went to Chris’ journal and read it and looked at pictures of us together, and he wrote that Chris obviously still loves me. So then, of course I’m too curious for my own good, so I broke my promise to myself and went to Chris’ journal and just scanned through it. Several interseting things: 1. I’m not sure what Steve was talking about, b/c I barely found references to me, and most of them weren’t too positive, 2. it seems as Chris has become some sort of so-cal homo, going to clubs and drinking a lot, which is just strange cause it’s so not him, and 3. from the looks of my skimming, it seemed like Chris was also in some fairly awful relationships. I don’t know why, but the whole situation has been on my mind now. So I don’t really know. It was really weird being back to Chris’ website after not going there for so long. I used to go there a million times a day. It still felt.. familiar.

I really want to call him and talk to him about this shit. I still want to be friends with him. He’s the one who ended it all. God damnit.

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You got a fast car, I got a plan to get us outta here

I’m not sure how many crazy things are flying around the LJ world, in fact, it’s probably none, but in case anyone was wondering, YES I did run away to France for the weekend. No, it wasn’t necessairly the smartest or most mature thing to do, but I did it and it’s over. I went with Chris and we had a pretty good time. I was a little disenchanted by the number of times I was snapped at by him, but whatever. Not to mention that halfway through the trip, he randomly mentions how he doesn’t find me cute, and then goes and puts it on his journal, along with the fact that I’m self centered. But then he posted it on his actual website and that particular entry wasn’t on his LJ, I’m assuming so that I wouldn’t see it. But obviously I did. Not that I care, I just think it’s stupid.

Anyways, got to go to the museums again. Got lots more time in the Louvre, which was great. We were one of the first people inside, and it was great to see Victory of Samothrace with no one else around. I took a few pics so that I would remember what that place looks like empty. Saw some great Egyptian stuff, and tons of stuff from my Art History class. It took forever, but I finally found the victory stele of Naram-Sin, which was much bigger than I thought it would be. I also really really fell in love with the Lamassus (winged bull thingies). Ok, no one knows/cares what I’m even talking about.

Also went to Musee D’Orsay again and Pompidou Centre. Had a very stupid fight with Chris at Pompidou about standing in line. That was annoying. Anyways, we also went to Sacre Cour, Montmarte, and the Catacombs, which i didn’t do the first time. I really liked the Scare Cour/Montmarte area, so pretty. It prompted me to decide to make a list of places I want to be proposed to/want to propose. That is one of them. Top of the Eiffel Tower is another. I thought I had another, but maybe not.

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Two Years

So tomorrow.

2 years ago tomorrow, I was sitting at my desk, working away and taking phone calls, when I turned around and saw my supervisor walking in my general direction with some flowers. It was Johnny’s last day (he sat right next to me) so I assumed they were for him. Instead, Brent set them down at my desk and said “these just came for you.” My heart raced, my cheeks flushed, and I hurriedly opened the card.

“Andrew- Let’s drop the ‘almost’ – Topher”

And just like that, I had a boyfriend. At that instant in time, I had no idea that I was in for the happiest 14 months of my life, and the most depressed 9 months after. I had no idea this would take me to Omaha, to Kansas, to NJ, to Cali, to zoos, malls, gardens, hot tubs, coffee shops, museums, and everywhere in between. I had no idea I’d be so in love with someone and fly home twice my first semester to see them. And that they would love me so much they would come twice to see me my second semester. I had no idea I would give everything I had to one person, and receive it in return. I had no idea I would know real love, and be taken to heaven. And I definitely had no idea I’d drop so far into hell afterwards, and experience a sadness and depression I’ve never known.

Yes, 2 years has passed. What started out as a love that yearned to live forever, has now degraded into him wishing I’d rot in hell. Him having another boyfriend, who he openly admitted would never be as good as me. And me. Here, unable to understand why I can’t stop crying. Forcibly stopping myself from calling, and wishing things had turned out different.

It is kind of funny. I told him one time that I would be willing to move back to Iowa and go to ISU for him, if he thought that’s what it would take to get us back together. I was that in love with him, that I would’ve uprooted my life just for us to be happy again. And now I am leaving… but without him. And now he hates me for leaving. And I might never see him again. All I have are pictures, and I can’t even look at them, it’s too painful. All the while he is happy with someone else.

We’ve been broken up 9 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we kissed for the first time, or just yesterday that we spent all day at Rieman Gardens, or just yesterday that he flew me out to college… or just yesterday that I flew back to Iowa just to tell him I loved him.

“Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth,

Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt,

Still a little hard to say what’s going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness

Still a little bit of your face I haven’t kissed

Stones taught me to fly

Love taught me to lie

And life it taught me to die

So it’s not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball”

I wish this wasn’t happening to me. I wish everything would be alright. I hate feeling like this, and I don’t know when it’s going to stop.

Tomorrow is going to be even worse. I’m going to try not to cry, but I’m not promising anything. Based on today, I probably won’t be able to control myself.