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Private: Confusion of life

Ok this is going to be a tell all entry that may have lots of things in it that people don’t want to hear, so that is the fair warning to everyone.

So the other night we went out to the Boom. I ended up in the underwear contest again and that was ok, I only got third place this time. Ok so then I was dancing with Joel and he left me, and green shirt boy (Jake) was there and dancing with me and pushing me against the wall and at some point we made out (#1), and after that every time we passed each other, we would grab each other and make out real quick.

Anyways, fast forward the night and we met these guys David and Buck. Well actually I think we had met them earlier that night, but regardless. I start talking to David and well before you know it, we start making out (#2). After a few minutes of that, I literally turned around, and started making out with Buck (#3).

So yeah somehow we end up at Buck and David’s hotel room. I throw up, which totally sucks. Though afterwards I felt perfect so that was super good. Anyways, after that I was in my undies in the hot tub/jacuzzi thing they had and Buck got naked (Buck naked! hehe, ok no jokes) and we made out for awhile and yeah, nothing much else happened at the hotel room.

So Chris and I get back to his place, we fall asleep yada yada. This was after I put on a super cute pair of undies that he had. Anyways, next thing I know, I woke up and I was cuddling him and telling him how much I wanted to fuck him. Well he agrees, and to make a long story short, we have sex. Now we haven’t had any physical contact besides a hug for over a year I think (or just about a year). So it was strange. And there was no real intimacy, we kissed for like 2.5 seconds and I got the impression that he wasn’t wanting to kiss. So yeah, he finished, I finished, and then we basically rolled over and went to sleep. Strange, huh? I thought so too.

Now I’m all conflicted with ideas. I kinda talked to him about it, but not really, I think we are going to talk more later. But I don’t know. It’s annoying to me b/c we are both looking for a relationship right now, and we are both (for the most part) looking for the type of person that we used to be for each other, if that makes sense. For example, the next morning, we woke up and we were just sitting in bed together watching TV and just kinda chatting. And I was thinking “geez this is EXACTLY what I want.” And it really is. And I was thinking how nice it would be to have that again, and then I don’t know, right when I was leaving he was a tad bit flirty for like 2 seconds (and I probably just made that up in my head) but for some reason it made me smile when I left, and confused me. So that’s that. I guess I’ll talk to him later and talk it over. Earlier, he said that it felt nice afterwards b/c it was me, so I don’t know what that means. That’s one issue.

Another issue is that I felt completely trashy and slutty after that night. I mean FOUR people in one night, that’s just horrible. And I decided I really need to curtail my alcohol intake and stop making out with random people. I really just want a decent boyfriend that I can depend on. So all these thoughts are going through my head Saturday and I had a horrible headache (my own fault, of course).

Anyways, point is, I don’t wanna feel trashy anymore and I just want a boyfriend to care about me and that I can care about and it’s annoying and frustrating and throw the whole Chris thing in and it’s like WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!

Well that’s my big drama. In other news, I’m working 8:30-5, which totally sucks. It’s boring, but at least I have things to do the whole time. It’s long and yeah.

Last night I dreamt I murdered someone and I really thought it was true and it was one of those dreams in which you realize it’s a dream but at the same time think it’s true, and I was trying to wake myself up and it took me awhile, but I finally did and then realized I had somehow turned off my alarm in my sleep and barely had enough time to get to work. Though my boss has been late every day so far, so he didn’t know I was late.

Ok I think that’s it. I’ll update more in depth later if anything happens. If anything thrilling happens at Res Life, or if I get super bored, I’ll update more! Anyways, nobody judge me on my activities, I’m trying to change!!!

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