My Life Not Published

Army and Wine

So, continuing where we left off. Monday was nice. Army offered to bring me lunch but I declined. I though we needed some space for the day. That evening we went to the gym together with Thomas and he worked us out. Surprisingly I completed almost all his workout (minus pull-ups and pushups) and wasn’t that sore the next day. We ate dinner and then went home. Showered and laid in bed talking and watching a show. He picked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel to watch which is HILARIOUS and nothing like what I would expect from him to be watching! We cuddled again but he doesn’t reciprocate anything. He just lays there.

Tuesday he again drove me to work and then went to his job interview. After that he came and got me and we went to lunch and talked. IT was super cute to have him here for lunch. This is the type of thing I want, someone to come have lunch with me. After that he went home and then came to pick me up from work again. Sadly I think Rachel is not serious about hiring him. That evening he was going to go have dinner with one of his friends he knows from college (A girl named Alex). On Sunday when we were fighting he said I could come. On Tuesday he said he wanted to go alone. That hurt, but trying to keep myself in the “friends” space I told him it would be OK. However his friend ended up cancelling on him because she is in Oakland and didn’t want to commute up and I didn’t want to offer him my car. We ended up just spending the evening together. I asked him to go on a walk with me because I wanted to educate him more about HIV. After that we made dinner, he looked for other jobs in the area and then we just laid on the couch talking, watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and then went to bed. Again I cuddled him, he didn’t reciprocate. I kept asking him “Are you OK with this” and he said yes.

Wed morning we got up and laid in bed talking a bit. I had him take the 5-love languages test. His results were interesting. First was “Quality time” then “Gifts”. His lowest one was “Affection”. We then took the Attachment study and he of course scored hard core in the Fearful-avoidant just as I suspected. We talked about it a bit but nothing really came out of that discussion.

I made him breakfast and then we drove to the airport. On the drive there (and over the previous couple days) he kept playing “The Reason” by calum scott. I know I shouldn’t read anything into it, but I end up doing so anyway. Is he trying to say something to me? Why is he trying so hard to come here for the summer. Does he just want a free ride and be in CALI or do he want to be here to be close to me?

Pasta and Darin both say he’s just using me.

At the airport I gave him a big hug. He hugged back but I could tell he was purposely keeping his face away from mine. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know he’s bad for me. I know nothing will come of it. Why do I chase, why do I engage. Everyone is telling me to move on. But I cannot. Why is that! Why am I torturing myself so.

I texted him before his flight left “Text me when you get home so I know you made it safe”. That night I had a date (more on that later). After my date it was 11pm CST and he still hadn’t texted. I posted a picture on instagram and he nearly instantly liked it. I texted him “Still not home?” It went through a txt instead of iMessage… I went to bed. Didn’t sleep well because I was mad about that, I’ve seen him the past week, he’s on his phone ALL THE TIME. He has the dinger on, he’s got an iWatch with LTE so he gets notifications, etc. He was OBVIOUSLY ON INSTAGRAM liking photos, so why did he not reply to me?! WTF. (again my preoccupied self kicking in here). I woke up at 3:30am and in an uncontrollable urge I text him “Uhhh?”. I went back to sleep. Woke up at 6:00 with a text from him “sorry, i got home and passed out” which is obviously not true because he was LIKING photos. I replied and said “Drive safe”. He replied “Thank you. You too have a wonderful day”.

Army returns in a weeks time. I am getting us a hotel and stuff in SF for two days. Hopefully everything goes smoothly while we are there.

Ok. I have to move to other topics because a lot is happening.
1) The date mentioned above. He was really cute in pics but only meh in person. He was wearing khakis with pleats! Even I know not to do that! Second he’s blind as a bat and refuses to wear glasses. Third he has no car and lives on an island with very sporadic bus service. Fourth he’s VERY FOB. Like worse then Wings. Fifth he’s quiet/shy. Sixth, he asked me to help him with his english on his homework! WTF. He wants to go on a hike next weekend, so we will see about that.

2) I’ve been working on applying for this job with a NAV ERP implementation company in Napa. They really liked me, I really liked them but we just couldn’t come together on a salary. I am really let down by this as I was super excited for this opportunity but I cannot go back to making what I was making in in 2012! That’s just not possible. Hopefully we will stay in touch and if things change I can still take the job. But at this point it’s just not feasible.

Dating life here sucks in general. Everyone is too far away. Vallejo is a bad place to and is almost MORE restrictive then Kennewick. With the city so close yet so far away, people aren’t willing to take the time or effort to date someone which would be a LEAST one hour commute each time to see each other. Also so many people don’t have cars and there’s no easy public transit option to Vallejo. I’m not sure what to do at this point in my life.

I think about it every day how much I fucked up with Calvin still. I know I have to move on, but I had a great thing with him and it still makes me sad. We haven’t spoken since Apr 6th.

My Life Not Published

Army’s visit so far….

Wow so this has been one hell of an emotional 3 day visit so far.

He arrived Friday and I met him at the exit gate. When we saw each other there was no hug or anything. I was hoping for a hug. We got his luggage and headed home. I had bought some stuff at restoration hardware so we drove up there, met Thomas and then went shopping at Coach. Army got his mother a new purse and we headed home.

Once home we just sort of hung out, not really talking or anything. Then went to dinner. He insisted on going to the bathhouse and so we did. It was cumunion night which I’ve been wanting to go to for a while. We got there and changed and walked around a bit. It was nice at first. Walking around with him, just hanging out. But then apparently I somehow became “overbearing” and he wanted to walk around by himself. This made me insanely jealous. We left an hour after getting there and had a fight on the way home.

Saturday we got up and drove into SF. Had a really fun time. Started out at the Marin headlands, then down to Pier 33 and a tour of Alcatraz which he seemed to really enjoy. After that we walked from there to Ghirardelli square shared an ice cream and walked back. We went to Mr S leather after that and he tried on this SUPER cute harness and jock strap. This is when things started to go down hill. I snapped some pictures of him in that, which I admit I probably shouldn’t have. He forced me to delete them. From there we went to his friend Nevilles house and had drinks. His “friend” and I put that in quotes because he met him ONCE before, invited us to go out to the bar with that night. I guess I said “if you want to go, then go” but I had to go home and get the dog, etc. So that started a HUGE fight. We left Nevilles house and had dinner with Darin. Dinner was fun but Army and I barely spoke. After dinner I told him, “I’d really prefer if it you come home with me and we can go out to the to the bars some other time” he said no, i’m staying here. He called his friend and he didn’t answer the first two times. I was hoping, HOPING that his friend would just ignore Army and we could go home together. sadly on the third call he answered. I dropped Army off and drove home PISSED. Got home and of course couldn’t sleep so tossed and turned all night.

One thing that really pissed me off while we were at Neville’s is that he met this guy ONCE three years ago randomly in SF. But within like 5 minutes of us getting there he was telling him about school and his promotion to Lt and blah blah blah and then he invited him to lollapalooza in Chicago and they were chatting about going on a cruise together. I mean I highly doubt anything will come of it, but here I am, someone who wants to be in Army’s life and he doesn’t tell me this shit. He doesn’t invite me to things like that and he’s here inviting some RANDOM ass guy!? WTF.

Sunday morning he texted me at 8am. I was shocked. I was sure he wouldn’t show until noon or even later. We agreed for him to take BART to Concord and we would go to this trampoline park. I really wasn’t in the mood but I didn’t want to just sit at home with him and be pissed. So we did that, it ended up being a lot of fun but also a lot of work. I was sweating to death. From there we went to this arcade and played games. He beat me on everything. Still it was super AWK.

Drove home after that and we were going to see a movie at 2:20 but it was sold out so we bought tickets for 5pm. He napped and I walked astra then worked on my bedframe project. Woke him up at 4:30 and saw “Life of the Party” which was fucking hilarious. That’s really what I needed after the night/day we had.

Got home and I cooked dinner and we chatted. He said the reason he went out drinking was because I got so mad at home for wanting to go out drinking, he didn’t want to come home and argue all night. We talked, had a real heart to heart. We were both crying during the conversation. I told him that if this is how things are going to be all summer then I don’t want him here that’s what started him crying. I’m not sure why though. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want anything more then friends with me, so why just not being here for summer did it make him so upset? I have no idea.

We got to talking about a lot of other things, my HIV, his relationship with his mother. Apparently he’s not out to his mother, which is surprising. She is form what he says the typical asian mother, pushing him to marry a woman, have kids, etc. He says he’s scared to come out to her because he’s afraid she will disown him. He said he’s afraid to open up to people because his mother has always be-rated him and that’s just how he is, he closes everything off. He said he looks up to me and really wants to be friends.

I told him my coming out story. How I left a letter for my parents and disappeared for 3 months. How when I came home after that my dad told me “You’re going to die of AIDS by 25”. How even though we had struggles, we are now closer then we ever have been before. We talked about what I see him in, that he’s smart, ambitious, funny.

We talked about how he’s in therapy. We talked about how he got really angry at me when I kept joking about him being a “slut”. etc. We talked about how I feel like he doesn’t appreciate what I do for him and how I feel like he’s just using me to get these things. He apologized and said he greatly appreciated everything I’ve done for him.

I told him a lot about my personality. I am someone who has a very small group of very close friends. I like to know a lot about them, what they are doing. I think he understands, but not sure.

Stayed up until midnight chatting, went to bed and cuddled for the first time since he got here. It was nice to hold him.

I didn’t sleep much last night trying to think about everything and process it. I’m still not sure if it’s just playing me to get what he wants. He’s a good manipulator. But at the same time, it seemed very sincere last night.

This morning he drove me to work and actually hugged me goodbye.

I’m super nervous for this Vietnam trip. I really want to try and make it work, I mean when will the next time I have a chance to go to Vietnam. I don’t have friends who travel with me, so I have to take this opportunity and make the best of it. I am tried of not going places and seeing my friends post all this shit from wherever. I want to travel again. I want to have fun and even though this trip might have some fucked up ups and downs. I think overall it will be fun to do. It will at least be a life experience.

I just need to keep my headspace in the “friends” zone. Try not go get too close to him and put on a happy face. For me. It’s incredibly difficult to move from having feelings for someone to friends. But at least util June 16th. I have to try.

This post is insanely long and I have a lot of other stuff to update about. But I will do it another time.

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I’ll kick you out.

So things with Wings are done. He came over Friday as usual, we hung out. Saturday morning we did his Body Combat thing, which I hated but I kept through the whole thing. Saturday afternoon we drove to Point Reyes and had a great time. On the way to Point Reyes we stopped at this cute little market place and got lunch. While there I bought us a brownie and a cookie to share. Saturday we only ate the brownie and saved the cookie for later

Sunday I worked on the house and he studied. We left about noon and went to get lunch, on the way back I said “now we can eat our cookie” and he said he had already ate it that morning. I said, “are you serious” and he said, “we’ll see” and I asked him twice more “Are you serious” and he just kept saying “we’ll see”. I told him, “I’m going to be pissed if you ate that cookie and didn’t share it with me”. We got home, the cookie was there, I was excited, I offered to share it with him, he said no. That was the end of it… At least so I thought.

The rest of the day he seemed off. I kept asking him “What’s wrong with you”; “are you Mad” and he wouldn’t say anything. Finally about 8pm we go out to dinner. On the way there, I say “When is the next time you’re going to cook for me” and he said “Well you don’t like Chinese food”. WTF Where did that come from? I eat Chinese food all the time. I spent a month in China eating Chinese food. We were on our WAY TO A FUCKING CHINESE place to eat!

So we get to the restaurant and sit down. He doesn’t say anything. I’m looking at him and he says something like “Why are you looking at me”. I reply with something like “what else should I look at?” and it just went down hill from there. I got up and just walked out, he followed and we got in car and drove home. Apparently he’d been pissed all day because I told him I would be pissed if he ate the whole cookie.

Wtf, I cannot be with someone who’s going to be angry over something so tiny. I cannot deal with someone who keeps telling me things that are not true. Example, he would always say that I threaten to kick him out of my house. Which I never do!

Well last night, he said it again, “I didn’t want to say anything because you always say you will kick me out of your house”. So I did. I kicked him out.

He stood outside for like 30 minutes, called me 5 times, I finally answered and we talked on phone a bit, then he left.

I’m very sad. I thought that this was going to be something good. I really enjoyed him. I loved that he was happy to just hang out at home with me. I loved that he enjoyed working on projects with me. I loved cuddling with him at night. It was super fun gong to the gym with him, etc. But in the end, this is not good for me, having to walk on egg shells about every little thing. Having to be so cautious about what I say/do for fear of pissing him off.

So… back to our normal life of being lonely.

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So, after almost 20 years of thinking about it. I got my first tattoo… And honestly I’m still a bit nervous about if I did the right thing or not!

It represents all my time in the Boy Scouts, working my way up from Tiger Cub to Eagle and my time in the Order of the Arrow. Without the BSA in my life as a kid/young adult, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. The mountains and tent represent my love for the outdoors and camping. Thanks to Kez at Allied Ink in Vallejo, she made the process so awesome.

This weekend was pretty nice. Wings came over Friday after work as usual and we just went to bed. Saturday we got up and did some work on the bathroom before the tattoo appointment then we went and got that done. It took a LOT longer then I expected but it was great having him there. We made some design changes while we were there and it came out looking way better then I expected. It also hurt a lot more / not near as much as I expected it too. There were some areas that were SUPER painful but for the most part it wasn’t that bad.

Saturday night we just lounged around, made dinner and then went to bed.

Sunday we got up and worked ALL DAY on the bathroom. Had to get the waterproofing done before the tile guy came today.

I still enjoy wings, he’s a nice guy but there are some things that just really piss me off. Like yesterday I gave him the chicken to prepare for dinner, he rubbed his hands all over the chicken then grabbed the pepper grinder and started grinding pepper. UGH. Then the way he chews is so disgusting. And lastly he says shit that really pisses me off sometimes but then when I call him out on it he turns it around on me.

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Palm Springs and Wings

Wow, so this past weekend was one of lots of fun but also lots of drama!

Drove down to Los Angeles on Thursday night and went to Wi Spa. I really miss that place. I should start one here in SF BAY or something! They are always so busy too!

Friday morning I did an interview with TSA for my Global Entry. Went super easy but they asked me some weird questions and somehow they knew I worked for a CBP warehouse in the past. Picked up Jason after that and we drove to PS. Got there and then went shopping and had a good time. Hut came that night and it was nice to cuddle with him again.

Saturday we spent by the pool, drinking, smoking weed and just hanging out. Hut took like a 3 hour nap in there. Wings found out that I am going to vietnam with Army. He flipped the fuck out.

Sunday was more of the same, sitting by the pool. This hot asian guy checked in and he was sooooo cute. From NYC and originally in SF. Ended up hooking up with him that night which was fun. But I felt so empty and alone after. I left a note on his door saying “Txt me next time you’re in SF” he actually did text me later that day but just said “Good meeting you blah blah blah”. Will never hear from him again for sure.

Monday drove back to SF and dropped Jason at the airport. Wings was still being crazy. He came over Tuesday and the plan was to just break up with him. But we talked and he convinced me to not. I’m not sure if that was right or not. We shall see.

I also spoke with Army, yesterday he was VERY chatty. He’s officially coming May 11-16 and then again for our Vietnam trip.