It’s been a while

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been busy and yet not doing anything much at all. It’s tough after so long to get back into this.

Things with Calvin and I have been great. I’ve been visiting him every month and he spent the whole summer here. But at the same time, things have not been so great. After a year of dating (tomorrow) he still doesn’t trust me at all to do anything. It puts a huge amount of stress on our relationship and I’ve thought about breaking up a few times already with him. Not a good sign.

I met this guy Hut who’s fun to hang out with, he loves climbing, hiking, etc. So I’ve been spending a lot of time with him. Calvin is of course very jealous and it’s been causing lots of problems. Every time I want to hang out with him we have to have a 30+ minute “talk” about his problems and concerns with me hanging out with Hut. It’s very annoying.

I admit I was like that for a while with him hanging out with this “Francious” guy. But I quickly got over it and now whenever he tells me they are going to hang out I just say “Ok baby, hope you have fun”. And I don’t drag it out the way Calvin does.

Calvin also is very snoopy. A while back I was at his house and he snooped through my txt messages on my phone. The next time I saw him I locked my phone with a much longer password to prevent this. But it still didn’t stop him from snooping. We were sitting in bed one night and I got up to pee. He snooped through my facebook messages while I was gone. And then lied to me when I confronted him about it.

IF anything, who is the one who cannot be trusted? He’s the one snooping and lying to me. He’s the one who is going out to bars without telling me about it. I haven’t done any of that. The worst I have done is to “flirt” with other guys via txt/facebook. Yes, I admit, not the smartest or best thing to do. But also not something that should “break all trust” we have built.

He has serious issues with trusting me.

I’m going to visit him in 2 weeks for american Thanksgiving. Then he and his whole family is coming here for Christmas. I hope we can make it that long.

Enough about him.

Other things that have been up, I’ve been to a bathhouse now. Three times. All with calvin. It was very interesting each time. I sort of really enjoy it and really hate it at the same time. THe last time was the best. We were in the hot tub and there were these two really hot guys having sex next to us.

I went to china. Spent almost a whole month there. Best trip experience of my life. I had so much fun. So much happened there that it’s almost impossible to recount to late after it happened, but we visited 7 cities in 21 days.

Work has been exciting and yet boring all at the same time. I completed that project, got my bonus. But since then it’s been maint and nothing new has really happened. I honestly spend 90% of my time answering the same questions over and over again. I could sit at home and do nothing for most of the day and still be ahead on all my work. Carl has basically said they want to hire me sometime in the next 6 months. We shall see if that comes to fruition. I would love to have a new job like that but at the same time, that company seems so disorganized and out of it that I’m not sure I could deal with it.

Our CEO died and our sales manager is the new boss around here. So far nothing major has changed but will be interesting to see what happens. I don’t think he has the same vision that our CEO had so I fear the company will become stagnant. There have been a lot of changes internally regarding structure, but nothing much else has changed.

I’m going to try and start updating more often again…

Hot Tubs, Wine Tasting, Hearst, Seals, Screw Up…

Where to start since my last post. I really need to get back into doing this on a more regular basis. But my days are all basically the same. Work, eat, talk to calvin and sleep.

Over the holiday break I met up with my old friend David. I met him years ago at his dad’s auto repair shop. We’ve only hung out once or twice since then, but on one of the times he made me cookies. So finally this time I repaid him and made him some cookies.

We ended up hanging out a lot this break, much to the annoyance of Calvin. But things were good. He was obviously interested in trying something more. At one point he tried to kiss me. I rejected him. It’s good to know that so many people think I’m sexy. Good for the self image. But I still feel down about my looks right now.

I can’t recall everything we did. We went to see a movie, went climbing twice, ate in Alhambra at some Shabu Shabu place (Delcious!). Just hung out and chatted.

Work threw a wrench in all my plans. They pushed my project back a month, much to be expected which releived a lot of the stress. At the same time it fucked things up because now I have to wait till late Feb to actually spend a whole week with Calvin! The project though I really am glad that we pushed it back. Everyone is getting very comfortable with it, things are working great and people are actually saying GOOD things about the changes!

Christmas sucked. I spent the weekend home alone. I did a bike ride each day which felt great to get back out there. The weather here in LA has just been amazing. But I didn’t get any presents from my parents. I’m not sure what to say to them about that. I feel like I should be like, “Ummm, WTF”. But at the same time that’s really selfish of me. I sent them presents though! WTF.

I’m very annoyed with my grandma. She sold her house. Just thinking about it makes me teary eyed. I’ll never get to see the inside of that house again. The house that I spent so many years in, so many christmas, thanksgiving, holidays with the family. SO much time during the summer running around with my grandpa, learning to cook in that kitchen. The funerals of both Grandpa and GG there and all the family huddled into the dining room/kitchen laughing and talking. It’ll just never feel like “home” in her new place. I don’t know what the big fucking deal was to sell it. It’s paid off, they spent tons of FREE money fixing the place up, her and my aunt have spent countless hours working on the gardens. It’s a perfectly fine house. I think that my aunt sheila has something to do with pushing her to sell, but I dunno what the true motivations are. It’s very upsetting to me but it’s not my house and not my decision either.

New years was much the same, I spent the day home alone. Calvin and I facetimed which was nice.

The day before new years I sort of cornered my boss and made him give me an answer on two things that I’ve been waiting for… The first is my “raise” that I should have got back in JULY. My “raise” this year is 9 extra vacation days. Which is actually really nice. So I now get almost 5 weeks of vacation!! I can’t wait to start using it! The second thing is something recent and he approved it as well, working remotely. Which means that I can now go spend one week a month in Kingston and live with Calvey! Yes!!!

I met Jason again for the first time face-to-face. It wasn’t as bad as I expected. We did a 22 mile bike ride and I was able to keep up with him pretty good. It was nice to get back to talking to him but I already see those annoying traits coming out that annoyed the hell out of me the first time so I’m not sure how long this stint will last.

Calvin arrived on the 3rd of Jan and it was just amazing. Seeing his face again, holding him, getting to go to bed with him. All so amazing and there just aren’t words to describe my feelings for him. So I’m going to not really talk about those and just talk about what we did.

Tuesday night we had our own little christmas. He got me a Wok and Rice cooker. Both I’m very excited to start using! 🙂 We also had some really hot sex!

Wed I went to work early and did a half day of work. Came home, picked him up and we went to Redondo Beach, showed him the peir, my old apartment, walked around the village, sat on the beach. My favorite part was sitting on the beach with him, just cuddling, talking, watching the sunset and listening to the waves. They were all so amazing.

From there we drove down to my HIV doctor and met with him. I was really glad that Calvin was there for that and he talked to the doc some and we got some great info this time. He put me on meds and before he would agree he gave us like this 30 min lecture about the history of drugs and how important it is to take them and everything. During that part I felt like I was just going to burst out crying. It took a lot to hold it back. I can’t believe that here I am just under 30 and I’m already going to be stuck on drugs for the rest of my life. It was so important to me that Calvin wanted to be there for me and showed his support.

We left and went to get sushi at my favorite place. Calvin really liked it because he said it was truly “authentic” japanese. I had no idea. 🙂 I miss eating there all the time though. I wish my new hood had better places to eat! Maybe that should be my next venture, start some better eating establishments in my area. After eating quickly we drove over to the climbing gym. Walked in and of course Sophia was there. I sort of just ignored her. It’s so hard for me to make amends with someone who has wronged me when I haven’t done anything that I know of to her. I’m too prideful in myself to go up and be the better person, even though I know that I should be. I can’t and don’t want someone in my life who doesn’t respect my friendship. Clearly she didn’t respect me so I don’t see why I should really try to make amends to her.

Went home after that and had an amazing night at home, more sex of course.

Thursday we were going to go skiing, but since there is no snow that didn’t happen. Instead we went downtown and ate at Orochon Ramen, which he loved. Then drove out to the huntington library. Which was apparently having a “Free” day, Yet they still wouldn’t let us in because we didn’t book tickets online. WTF! If you’re having a “FREE” day why not just let people in! And who the fuck knows that it’s free that day and that you have to book online. I looked at the website the day before and didn’t see anything. I was so pissed….

So instead we drove over to the LA Arboretum and looked around there. It’s nice there, but not anywhere close to what the huntington has to offer. Calvin sure did seem to enjoy it though so that’s what matters. I think that night we just went home and packed for Friday, baked and slept.

Friday we got up early and headed off to Los Padres National forest. Had an amazing time there. I had found these hot tubs that were out in the wilderness. Reading about them people were constantly complaining about how full they were, etc so I was a little scared that there were going to be a ton of people. We got super lucky and got the last campsite within walking distance of the hot tubs. We shared it with this cool old guy named Frank.

Spent the afternoon just walking, talking, napping (best part!) and hot tubbing! The tubs were amazing and so hot!

Saturday we woke up and my phone was DEAD! Drove back to Santa barb and went to this orchid place that Calvin’s been wanting to hit up for YEARS apparently. It was super cute to see him so excited and having so much fun. He spent a lot of time just chatting with this old guy who worked there. I got myself an orchid even!!!!!

From there we drove over to the AT&T store, I bought myself a new phone, then off to Los Olivos for wine tasting, then SLO for the mission, then Paso Robles for more wine tasting. Calvin lost his wallet in there somewhere which really sucks. He was having a bad time with keeping track of things this break. I can’t remember if I mentioned that he lost the scarf I bought him in Peru… Which really hurts my heart. :'(

He was getting super touchy/happy/drunk at the wine tasting which was so adorable! From there we drove over to “Robin’s” and had a great dinner, then off to “FogCatcher Inn” for the night.

Woke up Sunday morning and drove up to Hearst Castle, checked that out. They changed the way that the tours are so now you can actually walk around the gardens on your own! So AWESOME! I love that! Though I felt like the actual tour part of the trip was shorter then the last time.

Went a bit farther north to the Elephant seals and spent some time there…. That’s when trouble started. We were leaving and he was using my phone to check us into facebook. He “accidentally” started reading my messages to Tim Sirin. Tim and I have always had a very very flirty relationship/friendship and our latest conversation was probably even overly flirty.

I screwed up, I admit that. But calvin also screwed up by invading my privacy and reading things that he shouldn’t have been into. The whole 4 hour drive home was an argument about it. I felt like shit, he felt like shit, etc. Ugh. I can’t even really bring myself to write about it because I’m so sad about the whole situation. Anyhow. I think that we can be strong and get past it. I hope so.

I have booked tickets to go see Calvin Jan 19-23; Feb 17-26; He’s coming here March 11-19. So at least for the next three months we have things planned out. April we’ll have to figure out then in May he’ll hopefully be moving here for the summer…. At least I hope we are together still then. This one is truly a keeper.

I want to write about the other social issues, involving the climbing group, but I don’t have the energy for that right now.


Social Problems

Ugh, this breakup with Eric has caused mass social issues for me. It’s clear now who were my real friends and who weren’t.

I haven’t hardly heard from any of them since the breakup and that’s very frustrating. I’ve tried to reach out to certian ones to hang out and always get apathetic responses.

Sophia has also gone bat shit crazy. First she deleted me from facebook, then she completely blocks me and claudia. Fucking insane woman. Who knows what the fuck all that is about. I really want to email/txt/call her. 2years of great friendship and this is what I get. Thanks bitch.

So now I just spend the nights home, alone, watching TV and sleeping.

I’ve felt my body get suck lately. I can’t breathe worth shit and I am always tired/getting headaches and sweating at night. It’s not good. Probably just side effects of the HIV but Calvin also says those are all key signs of cancer. Who knows.

Calvin.. Where to start since my last update. Things have been amazing. He’s a great person, we skype, we txt, we chat, we talk about everything, bout our future, about what we want and who we are, about our days. We spend each night facetiming and saying good night. He txts me every morning. He sends me cookies. I feel so amazing.

But there’s one thing I just can’t get over. This guy Allan who lives in toronto. I can’t remember if I talked about it but this guy rubbed me the total wrong way when I met him in Toronto and now every time that Calvin hangs out with him it pisses me off like crazy. I know it shouldn’t bother me. He treats me so wonderfully and amazingly.

This distance is killing me.

Work has been fine. This stupid fucking project was postponed which drives me nuts. I really wanted to spend my birthday week with calvin. I had to yell at the project manager the other day, they just aren’t listening.


Amazing 4 days – Clo

This past weekend has just been amazing. Calvin was in town and we did so much together.

I picked him up Thursday and we came home, made him dinner then went to bed. He was so tired.

Friday we got up, made him breakfast then went out to the Getty villa, third street promenade and the pier. I bought 2 new pairs of Diesel jeans too! Came home, made dinner then went out in Weho. I haven’t been to weho in ages but it was actually a fun time. Having calvin there to walk around and dance with.

Saturday we got up and putzed around the house. Didn’t do very much in the morning. Got up and ran out to Griffith Observatory which was lots of fun. It was such a pretty day up there that day. I felt bad because I kind of rushed him through the place but we still had fun.

Came home after that, got ready for the party and took a nap!

The party was amazing. I was very nervous at first because everyone was late. But in the end it was a lot of fun. 12 people showed up, 10 stayed for dinner. Awesome time. Drank so much wine and had so much food left over.

Sunday we went rock climbing, then downtown LA to the Disney center, the Ahmanson, Central market, Angels Flight and Broadway. Lots of fun and so very very cute. It was amazing to just walk around downtown and hold hands, etc.

That evening we went over to Wi Spa which was just a fantastic time. Walking around naked, relaxing, talking. The only thing I wish we could have done in addition there is to make out! 🙂 He really wants to go to a bathhouse together in Toronto and just play just the two of us. I’m not sure how I feel about that. From there we went and got KBBQ then Yogurtland.

Monday we just lounged around the house the whole day. My new bedset was delivered which was great! Calvin and I broke it in.

He told me he loved me! 🙂 We’re officially dating, we love each other. It’s just so sad he’s so far away. Ugh.

I want to know everything about him now, what he’s doing, all that stuff.

He sent me this amazingly sweet email when he got back to Toronto today. I can’t wait. In only 10 days I’ll be there with him! 🙂

Cutest thing since Andrew…

Many years ago when I was living in Ames and Andrew in Orange, he told me I was going to receive a package one day.

I stayed home and that packaged arrived. It was him!

Today. The cutest thing anyone has done for me since then happened. I got a call from our receptionist that I had a package.

I walk over there and it was from CALVIN! He had baked me cookies and send them all the way across the country! How f’ing cute is that! 🙂