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After thoughts.

I wanted to stay to night, I didn’t want to leave at 9:30, the night had consisted of hanging out and just doing what we did every other night. You really couldn’t tell that it was our six months. You really couldn’t. I wanted to stay later that night and just sit on his pourch and talk, or lay in his bed and cuddle. That’s what I wanted to do after 9:30.

As he walked away, I said “You know I can stay tell 11, you’re just throwing me out.”

He said, “Is that how you feel?”

I said, “No, Love you.” But I lied. I felt like he was throwing me out, I thought he should want me to stay, I felt that he should want to hang out some more, did he not see that I wanted to stay. Did he not understand?

Oh well, I guess that’s what I get for 6 months. He really needs to look around and realize what’s in his presence more, I wanted to stay.

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Adam’s Conversation 2

11:35:41 pischkoa: Hello?

11:35:47 Adam – Sluk: Hi

11:35:54 pischkoa: How are you?

11:36:01 Adam – Sluk: OK

11:36:09 Adam – Sluk: Nervous

11:36:14 pischkoa: Why are you nervous?

11:36:21 Adam – Sluk: About tonight

11:36:34 pischkoa: Oh, the movie thing?? Have you talked to Kim about it yet?

11:37:10 Adam – Sluk: I’m going to cal her in a bit

11:37:14 pischkoa: Ahh.

11:37:49 pischkoa: So what else is up?

11:37:50 Adam – Sluk: Kit called me this morning and said she had a pseudo script and for us to PLEASE change it as we see fit. She was going to email it to me so I got on to check

11:37:59 pischkoa: I see.

11:40:03 pischkoa: You’re mad aren’t you.

11:40:35 Adam – Sluk: A bit yes

11:40:41 pischkoa: Why?

11:43:04 Adam – Sluk: Well yesterday I talked to you, I was really upset but in the end I felt a bit better about the whole situation. Then last night someone downtown asked if you were upset, I asked why and he told me about your away message last night. That’s when I called you.

11:43:04 Adam – Sluk: I wasn

11:43:04 Adam – Sluk: ‘t very happy last night

11:46:50 pischkoa: 1) Who told you about it? 2) I wasn’t very happy last night either, or the night before… Wed night you had to work, after you got off I figured you would at least call em to see if I wanted to do anything for a while, you never did. That made me sad. I cried the whole fucking night, then last night, I was going to go out as well… But you never even asked, you just assumed that I wasn’t, now I’ll give you the fact that I hadn’t been going out, but when I said three times that “I guess I won’t get to see you tonight since you’re already going out with missy” and other things along those lines, and you never even gave it a second chance, you say that it hurts you when you go out without me, but yet you never really seem to make move to try even ask if I wanted to go out. That really upset me, the whole night last night, from the time I left myoffice tell the time I went to bed, there were tears rolling down my face cause I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I didn’t know what the hell you were thinking…. I was upset as hell last night.

11:50:34 Adam – Sluk: You said yourself that you wouldn’t see me on wednesday becasue I worked and on thursday you had a paper to write. As far as I was told you couldn’t do anything. I wanted to. And when you said “I guess I won’t see you tonight…” I took that as you couldn’t do anything. Ou know you’re welcome to go out with me anytime…not even “welcome” but we SHOULD be together whenever we can. You shouldn’t have to be invited. After 6 months it’s just second nature. When we’re free, we’re together

11:51:56 Adam – Sluk: But regardless of misunderstandings between us, saying relationsips suck on AIM for everyone to see…why?

11:53:15 pischkoa: Cause I was pissed off, I was mad, I was upset. Damnit. I was fucking crying my eyes out last night.

11:54:50 Adam – Sluk: And you thought that would help. After hearing about that I had my share of crying too. When I didn’t invite you I didn’t mean anything. History should show you that I simply don’t get your “subtle hints” but you saying that was blatently mean…I don’t care how upset you were that was un called for

11:56:32 pischkoa: Fine, I’m sorry for saying that.

11:56:55 Adam – Sluk: That’s not how this works Chris.

11:57:08 pischkoa: Well then how _does_ it work.

11:59:03 Adam – Sluk: This is silly. It’s not my fault that you can’t go out, you said your self you don’t blame me for it. But yet I get all bad vibes. I feel bad simply for doing anything at all becasue you’re at home or work. I can’t keep track of your schedule any better than you can keep track of mine, especually when we’re apart. There was no reason you couldn

11:59:45 Adam – Sluk: ‘t have said “You want to do something tonight?” and there would have been no problem. But instead you droppped hints that I obviously didn’t pick up on, and you blamn it on me

12:00:55 Adam – Sluk: Then in your anger you say something like that, that I didn’t even see but rather hear about from other people. Thats bull

12:02:04 pischkoa: I’m not blaming shit on you. I’m venting my anger towards you and I’m sorry I’m doing that.

12:02:07 Adam – Sluk: I’ve made every attempt to try and help things, we’ve talked about this, we’ve tried and everytime we come out feeling like we’ve accomplished something yet nothing happens, and more anger incurs, what are we going to? Some sort of scheduling has to take place

12:02:43 Adam – Sluk: If you’re vent ing your anger towards me, then how do I come out being the bad guy?

12:03:40 pischkoa: I don’t know.

12:03:58 Adam – Sluk: you never did…But you never even asked, …and you never even gave it a second chance

12:04:08 Adam – Sluk: And you are blaming me

12:06:58 pischkoa: I don’t know what to say, fine I’m wrong for blaming you, I’m sorry for making you feel bad, I’m sorry for everything and anything I’ve ever said to you to make you feel like shit.

12:08:36 Adam – Sluk: You don’t have to say anything. It’s what you ARE saying that made me mad. I mean the away message had one intention. and it wasn’t one of “hey Just so you know where I am…” like most away messages

12:10:53 Adam – Sluk: During this whole situation, I’ve somehow felt this was my fault, that I was doing something wrong, but the truth was neither of us were to blame. We were in a shitty situation and there was no good way out. I tried to handle everything as best I could, and as did you. But last night was upsetting for both of us because you lost your temper. That can’t be made better by saying “Fine I’m sorry”

12:11:18 pischkoa: I’m sorry for everything, I’ve been through enough in the last two days, enough crying enough wondering if we’re going to be together tomorrow, enough cryng because I don’t know if I’ll have boyfriend whom I dealry love and can’t stand being apart from, over the last two days, you’ve said that you had doubts about our relationshipa nd you wouldn’t tell me what you ment by that. I don’t doubt our relationship, I think that we’re strong, but I just don’t know what to think now, I don’t know what the hell is going on damnit. I don’t mean to hurt you, but when I get hurt, I do what seems like the right thing to do. At the time I felt like that, and I wanted someone to talk to, you weren’t there, I couldn’t talk to you, I put up an away message about my feelings and I left, I went and cried in the shower. Damnit, I’m sorry.

12:11:45 pischkoa: Alright, now you’re blaming this on me. And I don’t like that. I did not lose my temper, I was sad, I was upset, I felt like shit. Don’t dare blam this on me.

12:14:53 Adam – Sluk: OK I’m sorry, but I never doubted us till last night. When my boyfriend, my love, my soul mate says relationshps suck I wonder why he’s in one then. I wa soo scared last night, we left downtown I bawled the whole way telling Missy how sacred I was, how scared I was that you were giving up, that we were falling apart, that I was losing you. I lost you once, volentarily I add, I NEVER want to lose you again. It pains me to be apart from you as it pains you I’m sure, then hearing that when I thought we were on the road to recovery hurts me very deeply. I didn’t know what to think

12:16:57 Adam – Sluk: I though that you were done, I thought “who knows where we’ll be in the next couple days” for the first time since out first break up, I was scared for us. I hated that feeling. I can’t take it. I didn’t sleep last night. I almost came to POlk City at 3 this morning and shaking you and screaming “What’s happening?”

12:18:41 Adam – Sluk: After many a little tiff, 6 months into the relationship we hit this. And since this a first, neither of us know who to deal. But I learned last night, that Julian and Dean had a very similer experience, and they weathered that storn just fine, as I know we will, one way or another

12:20:21 Adam – Sluk: Please say something…

12:20:55 pischkoa: If I were done then I called you back at 11 when you called, if I were done then I would have come to downtown and told you that I was through with you… But I didn’t because I wasn’t done, I don’t want to lose you ever again, I went thgouh it once and these last couple days it’s felt like I’ve lost you again, for me it’s felt that way. That you were already gone. I didn’t know what to think of things last night, I didn’t want to give up. I was going to drive downtown numerous times and tell you, that damnit I wanted to go out last night. I wanted to, and when you called last night, I hoped that maybe you would come over so we could talk about it. But you never did. I was going to drive over there, but I didn’t know how you were feeling or what you were feeling, I thought it the worst and I didn’t want to face that then. I know that we’ll get through this in time, but we HAVE to talk more, you have to be more receptive and think more of me, and I have to tell you more str8 out about what I want and what I’m thinking, we both have our flaws, but that’s the way the world works. We’ll get through it.

12:23:02 Adam – Sluk: I know we will. And I’m not blaming this one you, but I truly think part of this stems from the meds, or lack thereof. We need to work to fix whatever problems yu have.

12:23:27 Adam – Sluk: Because your problems, are our problems

12:23:31 pischkoa: And youneed to work to fix the problems you have as well.

12:23:36 Adam – Sluk: I know.

12:24:15 pischkoa: So are we better now?

12:24:27 Adam – Sluk: Not yet, but we will be…

12:24:37 pischkoa: … What?

12:24:48 Adam – Sluk: We can go somewhere and talk tomorrow after I gte off work

12:25:08 pischkoa: Why not tonight, after the Movie thing.

12:25:36 Adam – Sluk: We can, I think everyone wants to go out after if you want to too. But we can if it would be better

12:25:55 pischkoa: I think it would be better. I can’t stand another night of this shit.

12:26:07 Adam – Sluk: OK. We can go somewhere and talk

12:26:41 Adam – Sluk: Let’s go to nalan plaza and talk. I found last night it’s a good place for thinking.

12:26:49 pischkoa: Fine

12:26:54 Adam – Sluk: No fines

12:27:10 Adam – Sluk: OK works better

12:27:10 pischkoa: I still want to know who told you.

12:27:51 Adam – Sluk: That’s not important. They wern’t trying to cause trouble, they wanted to make sure out fairy tale romance was still ok

12:28:04 pischkoa: I know, but I want to know who it was.

12:28:15 Adam – Sluk: OK…Mike

12:28:32 pischkoa: Ok

12:30:22 Adam – Sluk: So I have to be at the Church at 5 to set up, so are you going to meet us there?

12:30:34 Adam – Sluk: Do you wanna come early and help set up too?

12:30:42 pischkoa: I was planning on meeting you at your house.

12:30:51 Adam – Sluk: What time are you off?

12:30:56 pischkoa: When ever I want to be.

12:31:19 pischkoa: I can leave at 3 if you want, or even 2:30

12:31:19 Adam – Sluk: Ah, well tha works. I didn’t think you got off till 4:30 or something

12:31:41 Adam – Sluk: OK the call me when you get into ANkeny. I should be home, but just in case

12:32:02 Adam – Sluk: Umm if you wanna come earlier that’s cool, but anytime around 4 is cool

12:32:08 pischkoa: Fine

12:32:14 Adam – Sluk: No fines….

12:32:22 Adam – Sluk: : )

12:33:50 pischkoa: What about the Wayne Newton bridge?

12:33:55 pischkoa: Yeah you know, the one they’ll build in 2031 to connect The Las Vegas Islands to the Arizonian mainland?

12:33:57 Adam – Sluk: WHAT?!?!

12:34:19 Adam – Sluk: Adams confused

12:34:32 pischkoa: Nevermind then.

12:34:35 Adam – Sluk: lol

12:34:40 Adam – Sluk: What was that?

12:34:49 pischkoa: It was _supposed_ to be a joke.

12:35:04 Adam – Sluk: It was funny, where’d it come from though?

12:35:14 pischkoa:

12:35:21 Adam – Sluk: Ah

12:35:44 pischkoa: I have to go work, brb

12:36:22 Adam – Sluk: OK Well I’m going to find something to eat. See you around 3 or 4?

12:37:39 pischkoa: Yeah.

12:37:42 Adam – Sluk: Bye!

12:37:45 Adam – Sluk: I love you!

12:37:51 pischkoa: Bye!. Love you too

12:37:56 Adam – Sluk: *hugs*

12:38:01 Adam – Sluk: *extra hugs*

12:38:04 pischkoa: ::hugs::

12:38:07 pischkoa: :-*

12:38:10 Adam – Sluk: Bye

Adam – Sluk is logged out @ Fri Jun 7 12:43:11 2002.

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Adam’s Conversation

15:03:07 Adam – Sluk: Hi!
15:03:11 pischkoa: Hi
15:03:22 Adam – Sluk: What’s up?
15:03:29 Adam – Sluk: I love you.
15:03:36 pischkoa: Not much, just working… How about you??
15:03:39 pischkoa: I love you too.
15:04:07 Adam – Sluk: Waiting for Missy…she takes like an hour to get ready, so she won’t be here till like 4
15:04:46 pischkoa: I see, where are you going?
15:04:57 Adam – Sluk: I have no idea.
15:05:01 pischkoa: Oh, I see.
15:05:04 Adam – Sluk: Just doing something…
15:05:06 Adam – Sluk: lol
15:05:09 pischkoa: So where’d you go last night?
15:05:15 Adam – Sluk: So how was your day been
15:05:28 pischkoa: It’s alright. I bought a new computer.
15:05:58 Adam – Sluk: Hung out with Missy and Rob. Tara and Jessica showed up, Tara was a bitch and flipped out so we (Missy, Rob and I) said fuck this and went to the loop.
15:06:04 Adam – Sluk: Really? What kind?
15:06:18 pischkoa: Same as the one I’ve got now.
15:06:28 Adam – Sluk: Sweet action! Congrats!
15:06:29 pischkoa: I see. So you had fun then, eh?
15:06:37 Adam – Sluk: Everything ok?
15:06:40 pischkoa: Yeah.
15:06:44 Adam – Sluk: Promise?
15:06:47 pischkoa: Yes.
15:06:55 Adam – Sluk: How did the doc appt go?
15:07:12 pischkoa: Fine… She said to stay on the meds, it’s either bichy, or now sex….
15:07:16 pischkoa: no*
15:07:46 Adam – Sluk: Hmm, why does she insist on staying on *those* meds?
15:07:49 pischkoa: So what have you been up to today?
15:08:07 pischkoa: Cause that’s pretttly much all that’s left, unless you don’t want to have sex.
15:08:36 Adam – Sluk: I can deal with that…It’s a lot harder to deal with not knowing what’s in your head.
15:09:39 Adam – Sluk: I guess you’re going to get your time though to go out without me, like you said you wanted not all that long ago.. Enjoy.
15:09:46 Adam – Sluk: What’s that mean?
15:10:22 Adam – Sluk: I know you’re mad in general at the stituation, but are you mad at me?
15:12:14 Adam – Sluk: ???
15:13:46 Adam – Sluk: Hello?
15:13:54 pischkoa: Sorry.
15:14:12 Adam – Sluk: Sorry?
15:14:14 pischkoa: No, I’m not mad are you…
15:14:20 pischkoa: (I had to go somewhere)
15:14:24 Adam – Sluk: Oh..
15:14:39 Adam – Sluk: It seems like you are xtremely resentfull of me right now.
15:14:40 pischkoa: You said like two weeks ago, that we should go out more seperatly.. You’re getting that now, so enjoy that time.
15:14:47 Adam – Sluk: Why would you say that?
15:15:02 pischkoa: Say what?
15:15:03 Adam – Sluk: Bull shit, you know that THIS is not what I wanted
15:15:17 pischkoa: Then what do you want?
15:16:32 Adam – Sluk: I want to be with you, that doesn’t nessisarily mean we’re attached at the hip…it also doesn’t mean we don’t see eacother for a week at a time either. How could you look at this situation and think that’s what I WANT? that hurts that you would think that
15:19:26 pischkoa: I didn’t say that we weren’t going to see each other for a week. I’m not accusing you of not wanting to spend time with me. I’m just saying that you said we should go out more seperatly.. And now you’re getting that time to do it… So enjoy that time… I’m pissed off at me, not you because it’s me that can’t go out and it’s my schedule that isn’t allowing it. It’s my choice to go to school and to work… I could have not taken classes this summer and spent another semester in school… But I didn’t think it would put this much of a burden on our relationship and I didn’t think it would be this hard for me to go out. The whole situation is just really pissing me off right now. And I can’t help that.
15:21:46 Adam – Sluk: It’s pissing me off too. We’ve been going through a couple rough patches lately, rougher than we’re used to anyway, and I think I’ve remained pretty cool about it, but when I talk to you, or read your site , I feel sad becasue I’m going out and I’m having fun and you can’t
15:23:43 Adam – Sluk: And I feel like you’re doubting us. I don’t like where this is going. We need to end this now or our relationship is going to suffer. Something has to happen, I don’t want to lose you Chris.
15:24:03 Adam – Sluk: I’m scared…I don’t like this
15:24:46 pischkoa: And I don’t want to lose you either… You shouldn’t feel sad about it, it’s my problem… Go out and have fun.
15:25:26 Adam – Sluk: It doesn’t work that way Chris, that just out of sight out of mind. as soon as I talk to you the real world bites me.
15:25:59 Adam – Sluk: Now you tink with the next class you won’t have to study and shit as much?
15:26:00 pischkoa: I’m not in anyway doubting us and that hurts me that you feel that way.. What have I done to make you feel that I’m doubting out relationship??
15:26:24 pischkoa: I don’t think so, but I never know, I didn’t think this whole summer thing was going to be THIS big of a deal, but it’s turned out to be.
15:26:39 Adam – Sluk: I don’t know, that’s just how I feel…I’m sorry
15:27:23 pischkoa: Why do you feel like that though?
15:27:50 Adam – Sluk: The fact that I’m sitting here crying does it enough. I havn’t cried about us since we broke up. It scares me Chris. I’m not doubting us at all I swear, but I’m scared for us
15:28:23 Adam – Sluk: I don’t want anyhitng to come between us, ever.
15:28:35 Adam – Sluk: This sucks and I am completely powerless
15:29:40 pischkoa: Adam, every night I go to bed crying because I can’t go out, every night that I have to leave early, or just can’t go out period. I go home and I cry and I go to bed crying because I can’t be with you and I know that it hurts you. I agree that this sucs and I’m completely powerless as well….. Nothing will come between us, we went though alot worse then this before, well make it through this… It’s just going to take some talking.
15:29:42 Adam – Sluk: I feel depressed for the first time in a long time, and I can’t do this by myself
15:31:36 pischkoa: I’m sorry that I’m doing this to you… But, I don’t know what I can do to help it. I have to work to be able to support myself and I have to go to school to be able to graduate on time. I’ll be there as much as I can…. I love you, and I want to be there as much as I can.
15:32:46 Adam – Sluk: I know, and don’t think you’re doing this to me. You don’t have any more choicers than anyone else. This is’nt your fault at all. IT’s the consequences we have to for something good to happen. Don’t worry about me.
15:33:00 Adam – Sluk: WQe just need to talk and figure out ways to get more time together
15:33:09 pischkoa: I am going to worry about me, just like you’ve benen worrying about me.
15:33:44 Adam – Sluk: I worry about you nayway, it no big deal
15:34:01 pischkoa: worry about you*
15:34:16 Adam – Sluk: I know…by what you mean not what you say…
15:34:25 pischkoa: Ok, I just wanted to make sure.
15:37:30 Adam – Sluk: We can deal Chris, I know we can. It’ll just take some effort on both parts
15:38:02 pischkoa: It’ll take alot of effort on both our parts, but I know we can deal with it.
15:38:12 Adam – Sluk: I love you
15:38:15 pischkoa: I love you too
15:38:21 Adam – Sluk: *hugs*
15:38:24 pischkoa: ::hugs::
15:38:27 pischkoa: :-*
15:38:45 Adam – Sluk: In other news, I have blue hair…
15:38:53 pischkoa: Cool bean.
15:39:01 Adam – Sluk: And I slept till 2:30 and about shit my shorts
15:39:15 pischkoa: Dork, perhaps you should go to bed earlier
15:39:21 Adam – Sluk: I freaked out…I am now going to set an alarm…
15:39:37 Adam – Sluk: I got to bed at like 1 or 2…I just don’t sleep
15:40:45 pischkoa: lol
15:41:17 Adam – Sluk: We should go to the First Friday Brekfast Club next month with Dustin and Rob
15:41:26 Adam – Sluk: OK ait, total topic change…
15:41:26 pischkoa: When is it?
15:41:32 Adam – Sluk: Called Gap this morning
15:41:42 Adam – Sluk: First Friday of the month
15:41:50 pischkoa: Time??
15:41:55 Adam – Sluk: And I am hired…
15:42:00 Adam – Sluk: however…
15:42:41 Adam – Sluk: They’re hiring more people and it’s not very effient to only train one person in the class, so they won’t train me till end of July…
15:42:54 Adam – Sluk: So it appears the job search will go on…
15:43:15 Adam – Sluk: FUCK I hate job searching
15:43:29 pischkoa: Hmmm, that sucks.. I wonder if they realize how un-business like that is to make prospective employees wait that long to start.
15:43:38 pischkoa: Good job on getting hired though…lol
15:43:40 Adam – Sluk: Apparently not…
15:43:42 Adam – Sluk: Thanks
15:44:12 Adam – Sluk: I’m pissed though. I *really* wanted to quit soon. Preferably before the weekend so I can go to the parade onm Sunday
15:44:19 pischkoa: Yeah
15:44:29 Adam – Sluk: Grrr…can’t anything ever be simple
15:44:34 pischkoa: Nope
15:45:09 Adam – Sluk: From me experience the Gap isn’t ery professional anyway, they’ve never called me back, they make me wait a week betwwen potential phone callss
15:45:26 pischkoa: Yeah, I would say they aren’t very professional.
15:45:48 Adam – Sluk: Well, Rob and Missy are applying at Perkins…maybe I’ll go there *shudder*
15:46:03 pischkoa: lol
15:46:14 pischkoa: Missy already has a job, why’s she applying for another one?
15:46:40 Adam – Sluk: Missy talked at one point about working at a truck stop, I guess you make decent money and awesome tips from crazy truck drivers…
15:46:46 pischkoa: lol
15:46:53 Adam – Sluk: She doesn’t like Hy Vee anymore than we do…
15:46:56 pischkoa: While you suck thier dicks you make awesome tips.
15:47:08 Adam – Sluk: *shudder again*
15:47:28 Adam – Sluk: So maybe today Missy and I will play Apllication Handing in Game
15:47:37 pischkoa: Fun times.
15:47:45 Adam – Sluk: Not really…
15:48:06 Adam – Sluk: Ha here we go…if Krell hires me then we can spend time together…
15:48:13 pischkoa: Ha, yeah right.
15:48:43 Adam – Sluk: I dress up like Ramsey, and I’ll kidnap him and keep him in the shed, and I’ll come to work for him
15:48:59 pischkoa: Sure thing, cause you tow look so much alike.
15:49:34 Adam – Sluk: Make up…curly shaggy wig…I’m hot to boot and from what I’ve heard about Nazanine, she’d never notice the difference…
15:50:03 pischkoa: lol, only you’re like 10 feet talled them him and don’t have the accentish thing he’s got going.
15:50:22 Adam – Sluk: I can fakje it…the hight thing would take some planning
15:50:30 pischkoa: lol
15:50:43 Adam – Sluk: *wrings hands* Mwa ha ha ha ha
15:52:17 pischkoa:
15:54:04 pischkoa: Ok, I have to leave, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow since you’re already going out with Missy tonight.
15:54:07 pischkoa: Love you ::hugs:: :-*
15:54:20 Adam – Sluk: OK babe! Love you!
15:54:27 Adam – Sluk: \*hiusg*
15:54:30 Adam – Sluk: wow…
15:54:34 Adam – Sluk: *hugs*
15:54:40 pischkoa: Bye!
15:54:52 Adam – Sluk: Bye!