House, Travel, Projects

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in nearly a month. It’s been so busy to be honest. Moving, new house, shopping, etc.

After my last blog post Jeremy came. We had a good time, but it confirmed that long exposure to him annoys me. If you tell someone to freaking plan out stuff for you to do, don’t go fucking changing it all in the last minute! Ugh. He told me to plan stuff for him to do after the climbing. So I planned all this stuff so that he could see some of the great things in LA. So we were out climbing and all of a sudden he starts changing things. So annoying! Ugh. Sunday he and I walked around the south bay.

I went down to Mexico the day after he left. It was a great trip. Very fast, efficient and good meetings. Good food, good times. As always. Drove home with hector and got major secondary at the border. That was a PAIN!

The next two weeks I’ve had LinkFresh in the office the whole time. So been working long days and not really doing much.

Last weekend I went out to this party with leigh. Saw eric there. It was very awk. The party was nice. Met some great people but sadly I suck on follow through so I didn’t make any new friends. Ugh. Really need to work on that. Would have loved to hang out with some of those boys again.

This week has been all busy with work. Calvin comes in like 20 days. I can’t WAIT for it to go down and for him to get here.

He’s so fucking amazing and adorable.. Ugh.

Calvin…. Lima and NYC

I’ve been traveling way to much this month.

But let’s start with the house. It’s mine, at last! After so many headaches and “today”, “today”, “today”. I own a house! We finally signed the paper work for the day before I left. I haven’t even seen it yet since it’s officially mine! I can’t wait to go and spend a night there. Though I’m not really sure when that’ll be.

So we left for Peru a while ago getting there and all that went off without a problem. Delta flights were nice. You get more food for free, free checked baggage, etc. It was a nice flight. Arrived in peru and was met by Diego and Raul. I’ve only met Diego a few times and he had always been very nice. But this trip he really pissed me off. He’s one rude asshole. We sit around and wait for an hour or more for Mac and Hector to get there. Finanlly we all walk out to Diego’s car. I’d figure for such a big group that they’d rent a car or van or something. Nope. We go out to a mid-90’s era Nissan Sentra. I ask, “Are we really all fitting into that thing” the reply, “Yes”.

You have got to be kidding me.

Met Hector for the first time even though he’s been with the company for months. He’s a good guy he liked to complain like I do so it was good to vent to him the whole trip.

We all go check into the hotel and I went to sleep. The others all went out drinking.

This whole trip was just a huge mess. Nothing and I mean NOTHING was planned at all. The next day we were supposed to have our meeting, go to some sheds, I was told I’d have a full packed week and that I’d basically only have 1 day to myself. Turns out that I had only 2 days of real work to do and had the rest of the trip to myself. Ugh. So We putzed around the city, did some random “work” then just went back to the hotel.

Saturday I rented a taxi for the day and did a nice tour of the city. That was the highlight of the week in Peru.

The presnetation that we went down there to do sucked. After all the work I went through to get mac up to date with everything eh didn’t even DO the presentation. He had Diego do it. Diego knows NOTHING about PTI. All he did was read the damn slides. _I_ could have learned enough spanish to do that!

Met up wth the two Gourmet Offices down there. They are of course a mess. I am not sure how anything in that country gets done. When I suggested that they do things differently I was told. “Well he just doesn’t have enough time to do all that”.

Finally the trip was over, I was headed to NYC to Calvin. I was super excited. I had all this cute romanitc stuff planned out that we were going to do. We were going to have this amazing time, which we did, but something stepped in the way….

I woke up Thursday morning puking my guts out. I got about 10 feet from Jeremy’s door when it started. I threw up about every 10 minutes between there and the bus station. Then continued throwing up for a while while waiting for his bus. Finally I decided that I was in no shape to greet him at the bus. So I left. On the way out of the bus station… I didn’t make it to the toilet. Threw up right in the middle of NYC Port Athority bus terminal.

I arrived back at Jeremy’s and was puking in the toilet when my phone rang. It was that beautiful voice of his saying “I’m here”. I buzzed him in and ran back to the toilet. He came in and saw me. Rubbed my back while I was throwing up and gave me some napkins when i was done.

He came in and cuddled with me all day. Helped me, got me meds, Held me. He was amazing. I’m not sure most people would have stayed after seeing something like that. At one point I had the MOST horrible, painful leg cramp I had ever had in my life. Calvin was amazing in helping me through that too. Holding me, massaging my leg, etc. I was probably screaming bloody murder at him. I took some magic “yellow” pills that were chinese in nature and those made my stomach feel better. I had my meeting with the guy then we went out walking in the city.

We got to see some nice parts of the city that night. I honestly can’t even remember what we did. I think that was the night that we saw this italian market, met up with both Jeremy and Oksana. Didn’t stay out late and went back to Jeremy’s place.

J was awk this whole trip. I’m not sure what his deal was. There were a lot of weird things that bothered me. First example we’d be walking down the streets and if you didn’t keep an eye on him he would just disappear. Like turn a corner without saying “hey we need to go this way”. Stuff like that. it gets really annnoying. Also he can be so prying sometimes. And most of all that night going to bed. We had discussed it before, he said multiple times that Calvin and I could have his bed. But in the end we ended up sleeping on the couch together. WTF. It wasn’t horrible. It was actually fine, but still. WTF. Another example is that when we’re walking around the city we told him 4-5 times “let’s go straight to XXXXX” Well after about 20 minutes of round about walking and back and forth on the blocks we’d be there. That’s not going “Straight” there.

Friday I woke up feeling much better but stil sickish. We laid in bed till noon then went to the MET. Came back and napped then Jeremy came home. We were going t go to dinner and a show. Well Jeremy also has this horrible problem with timing and listening. So dinner and a show turned into “let’s walk around the highline”. We did that for a while then eventually got a Quick dinner and got to the show just as it was letting in. I had told him MULTIPLE times that i watned to be there at least 45 minutes early so that we could get good seats. That didn’t happen. Also the show wasn’t that great.

Though I’m pretty sure that Calvin really enjoyed his first improv. We went back to Jeremy’s place after that and got yogurt. Then the second horrible part of the weekend started. Calving started throwing up!

He threw up all night long… Saturday morning he was being a strong boy and we went out for a bit. I suggested stuff, Jeremy rolled his eyes and suggested other stuff. It was really annoying trying to agree on something. I mean really, I’m here visiting. Don’t roll your eyes at what I wanted to do. Calvin and I BOTH wanted to go to the botanical garden. We didn’t get to. We ended up walking around and around in the damn city. Taking a water taxi and going to a food vendor thing. ALL stuff that is NOT good for Calvin’s stomach! And I had to keep telling jeremy to slow down while walking.

I think that Clo enjoyed the day but I could tell he was just being a strong trooper. He went home after dinner and slept while Jeremy and I went to this Flying Burlesque show. Again I told him I wanted to be early so that we could get good seats. Again we were late and ended up standing. Only stayed an hour. I’m sure if we had seats and stayed longer it would have been more fun.

Got back and slept my last night holding Calvin. Running my fingers over his face, kissing his forehead, his back, his arms. He’s so beautiful. So amazing, so nice. We got to know each other in such an intimite setting this weekend. So closely so quickly.

We woke up on Sunday and packed and left. Breakfast was a sad affair and then I took him to the bus stop. At least this part of the trip went as planned. The one part that I wish had been fucked up, missing bus, late bus, cancelled bus, tickets for the wrong day, etc. Anything to keep Calvin in my arms longer.

But it came and went. I stood with him in line, holding his hand, kissing him until he got to the door. I gave him one last tight hug and kiss and sent him off. Not knowing when I’ll next see him. I teared up a little while waiking away from him there.

This weekend, even with all the sickness, annoyances, etc has been amazing. Only having him here, seeing him, getting to know him so much better. He’s such an amazing person. I can’t wait to see him again. I only wish I knew when that would be.

I can’t wait to get home and skype him to see his face again!

That afternoon Jeremy and I went bouldering in central park, saw billy elliot, went back to his place. It was all pretty solumn and sad without Clo there…

Why is it that I find guys I like that aren’t accessible long term to me.

Drama, Drama, Everywhere!

So much drama lately.

Let’s start with the house. It appears there is no way I’ll be moving into the house this weekend. SUCK! My “friend” Jay over at the mortgage company was basically lying to me about how far along the whole shit was. He said LAST MONDAY that we would have the loan docs that day. What he failed to tell us was that the MI hadn’t even been approved yet! So every day last week he kept telling us “today, today, today” and we would never see them. Then come to find out he QUIT on the company!

So Monday I got fed up and called his boss. He boss called me back late on Monday afternoon and told me that MI hadn’t been approved, that we shouldn’t have even removed loan contingencies and all this other BS. Then he dropped the real bomb… He said there’s almost NO WAY we’ll close until NEXT WEEK!. FUCK!

So I got all pissy and told him that if we don’t have the docs this week then we aren’t closing until Sept 20th. UGH! This is redic. They’ve had ALL the documents for 45 days. They’ve had PLENTY of time to do this bs. This is out of control!

I’ve been going out on dates. Met this guy Brad, he’s Hawaiian, cute, funny, working as a flight attendant. I think he’s just into sex. I haven’t given him any yet. We’ve hung out 3-4 times. I was gonna hang out with him Monday but he didn’t seem interested, so I just left it at that. Also met this guy Denny, also cute and funny, working as a graphics designer for some movie company. A little chunky and super nerdy. We shall see.

Other then that, a few dates here and there. I’ve been trying to just focus on those two for now and see if they go anywhere.

Tim came over the other night and spent the night. It was awk messing around with Constantine’s ex, but Tim is so hot that it was fun anyways. Oh Asians, how did I become so into them!

Calvin is back in Toronto! We had our first real video skype yesterday. With the clear video, he was so much sexier and his voice. OMG. Ugh. Why do these boys have to live so far away. Maybe I always just want what I can’t have. This guy Denny also contacted me again recently, somehow found me randomly on Facebook and we started chatting again. We used to hang out all the time when he lived in LA. Just movies and cuddling, he was a time filler for me. Then he moved to Portland. Apparently he always had this huge crush on me. Who knew. Again, always the boys I can’t have.

This past weekend, I went out to see Daniel’s show with my old friend Jess, he was super into me wanting to date forever. He’s always been interesting, but never someone I was into. I also haven’t seen him in years. We used to go to lunch all the time when I worked in Santa Monica. He’s gotten fat and grey. He has not aged well. Anyways, we went out to dinner, he was all cozy in the booth, flirty, etc. We were chatting and I just threw in that I was poz. He immediately changed his tune. We still had a fun night, dinner then the show with Ron, but I haven’t heard from him since. awk.

Tim K was also in town this weekend. He went out Saturday night with Eric and Daniel. Sunday he and I went climbing with Wang. Tim and I talked after at dinner and he told me that I really need to talk to eric and be friends with him. I agree but it’s still so early. I’m having dinner with ERic tonight and I’m very nervous about how it will go. I’ve been trying to think of lots of topics to discuss that are very numeral.

Wang and I also got into it the other day, RE the Heel Hookers. He was just being general bitchy Wang. I wanted to punch him in the face. Ugh. I don’t get why he’s such a bitch to me. I’ve always been nothing but nice to him. Infact I had a huge crush on him for a while. He’s always super friendly to eric, daniel, matt, etc but when it comes to me, he’s a huge bitch. Also never replies to me or my txts. Fucker. He wanted admin access to the group. But I don’t think i’ll do that.

What else… I went out with Rex this past saturday. We went climbing at the gym then went out to meet his friends for frog… It was interesting to say the least. One of his friends was very awk and apparently really into me. He kept standing WAY to close to me and he wouldn’t stop talking to me. The other friend was cuter, but also 37! Rex and I might be going to Yosemite together this weekend… Interesting.

That’s basically it. I’m not moving, so much drama everywhere, and I’m leaving for peru too soon! Not enough stuff has been flushed out yet for this trip.

Ok. I’m out.


I _HATE_ dating. I went on two dates this weekend. They both sucked.

You know what I hate even more… Dating as a POZ guy. Ugh. When do you tell someone. What happens when I do tell them and they freak out and dump me. Ugh. This process is going to be even more depressing then normal dating.

What I hate even more then that.. Is seeing these guys on A4A, grindr, etc that say “partnered” and are still looking for sex. I treated eric so well, I loved him, was committed to him and never did anything to hurt him. And yet he still couldn’t love me. Fuck my life.

The end of ECH

Last saturday we got into a fight about him being unable to love. Our agreement was that he’d go get counseling, maybe we’d do couples therapy. We’d work through it.

Tuesday he tells me he “googled ‘what is love'” and that we needed to talk.

He got him shortly after me. I was sitting on the couch just like always. He came over and cuddled up next to me. We kissed. Little did I know that’d be the last time. The last time he’d come in the apartment and say “hellllooo” like he always did. The last time I’d feel his warm body next to mine, his lips on my lips.

The last time he’d try and sneak in and scare me.

He pulled out of his pocket a check list of ‘what is love’. Something some 12 year old girl probably put together after reading twilight.

He said we only had 5 of the like 20 things on that list. Only 5. So that he wanted to end it “because i deserved someone who could love me back”. That’s such BS. He’s showed me how much he’s cared over all these months. The time we spend together, the way his face lights up when he sees me. The way when I get back from a trip he scampers over to hug and kiss me. How can he say that’s not love or at least that there’s something there enough to care and try to work this out.

He packed his things and just left. I can’t believe how easily he just walked out that door. How quickly he changed his facebook status, how quickly he removed me from his google calendar.

It’s just over like that.

After everything I’ve given him. Every day I was so happy to wake up next to him. To kiss him on the back, to kiss his face while he slept. Every night I was so happy to hold him and to say goodnight to him, to see him come through the front door of my apartment and to hug and kiss. I loved holding his hand while we drove places, making him dinner and purposly making extras so that he had lunch for the next day, going to every improv show he had to show my support for him.

How on earth can that not be enough for him, how can that not be worth fighting for, to work together to get though this for. How can that not be enough to love. I really truly gave him EVERYTHING I could. I didn’t want to fuck this one up. I gave it all. I tried as hard as I could to make him happy to realize how great I am.

If all of that isn’t enough to make him happy then how am I ever going to find another person who will be happy with me. Especially now after becoming HIV+. HOW am I going to find someone to accept me, to love me.

And now, after all this. I’ve never known a night alone in my current apartment. It’s so hard to be there by myself. Last night I took a sleeping pill and still couldn’t sleep! It’s so depressing.

What am I going to do with a giant three bedroom house to myself. What on earth! Here i’ve had these delusions of having him live with me in that house, of us being happy and getting older. I have to admit that starting a family even crossed my mind. And now…

And now it’s all gone.