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4th Date, 3nights.

So this past weekend I had a three day 4th date with Wings. He came over Friday after work and we hung out a bit and then went to bed. Saturday we got up and he helped me paint the master bedroom which was a huge help and success… He did a good job. We got done with that about noon and went to get lunch from there we went to the office, picked up one of my trailers, brought it home, fixed it then washed it then returned it. That evening we went to the lantern light festival which was a HUGE let down.

This fucking CHINESE festival didn’t even have any Chinese food!

We went home and rested and went to bed. Sunday we got up, did a nice hike in the hills, went to a farmers market where this gay guy was selling pastries (not very good) then came home and I was going to get my car washed but the place was appointment only! Ugh.

So we did some other errands, came home and just laid around the house. We ended up having sex which was nice but I didn’t cum and he was like “you didn’t like me” ugh.

That gets me to what my biggest problem with him is, he’s SO NEGATIVE about everything. His face, his body, his job, his english, etc etc etc. Negative all the time.

Army! I haven’t talked to him basically since he came back from spring break. He texted me last week while I was on a date with wings saying “I might come out May 6-16”. WTF. OK. I dunno WTF is going on with him.

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So… I’m going to Vietnam. With Army. How did this happen? I’m not exactly sure.

After my last blog post about how he messaged me “I miss my daddy” we FaceTimed a few times and then this just sort of happened. We’re staying with his family in Vietnam. I hope they have western toilets.

I bought the tickets (using miles) so for both our flights it only cost $160. Plus we’re going to kick in $150 to the host family (each) plus food, this whole trip should hopefully cost less then $1,000. I’m hopefully going to keep calling and trying to get business class tickets. I sure hope we do.

He’s very confusing. I’m really not sure wtf is going on with him or what our “relationship” will be like when we get there. Like are we going to just be friends, are we gonna be cuddley and what not while we’re there? Can I go hookup with random guys while I’m there? Where will I even be sleeping, are we sharing a bed?

Last night we were chatting and he started on this “Daddy buy me” kick again. I keep knocking him down that we’re not playing that game. I’m no fucking sugar daddy.

I’ve been hitting the gym 3-4 nights a week. I feel like I’m seeing some progress, I can buckle my belt one more notch already plus I think that my arms are a little more toned. My plan is to do circuits, so Arms M,W,F and then legs T,R. The worst part is when you get some idiot fucking just SITTING on a machine not moving for 20 minutes.

Work sucks. I have literally been watching movies all week. Our “Plant Manager” emailed me because he couldn’t find a file on Sharepoint. Why am I searching for sharepoint files?! This is not my fucking job.

The roommate has been great. He’s very nice and pretty quiet. We chat unlike my old roommates.

I’m still super super confused about Thumper. I finally texted him on Friday and said “So, are you just an SF flake or do you actually want to hang out” he said something about his 12-14 hour days and he’s been trying to destress. Then I said something along the lines of I just don’t want to be cancelled on again. And he never replied since then. so WTF. I just do not get guys.

OkCupid and Tinder have been going like shit. I haven’t been getting ANY replies at all.

Calvin posted an instagram and he’s in Hawaii… I dunno how I feel about that. Writing it makes me sad, I wish I was there with him. I still regret what happened.

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Army, Therapy, Hike

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was just a quick 30 minute discussion about why I wanted to meet with him and what topics to cover. The guy is a gay and used to work at the HIV clinic in SF. So at least he’s familiar with the specific issues unlike the crazy old white religious guy I went to see in Tri-Cities. We talked about Calvin a bit and how much I regret us breaking up, talked about the stigma I personally have with HIV, and discussed my sadness of having no friends.

Just a quick chat but he said that I need to come up with a list of three things to do by the next meeting. First one I would say would be to go out with a few people.

I did just that, on Saturday I did a 7 mile hike with this guy I had been chatting with for a while. He was nice and I had fun. He invited me to go on a 15 mile hike on the 27th. Perhaps I will do that.

The hike itself was beautiful. It was called the San Pablo Ridge Trail. We got there early in the AM and were the only people to start. It was overcast and cold and had rained the previous day so the trail was super muddy. About an hour in it cleared up and was sunny and we ended up with some amazing views of the city, the golden gate bridge. Astra even got to chase some cows! They were not impressed by her.

Army is confusing as fuck. He and I finally had a phone convo on Friday AM. I basically told him that I really liked him but we need to figure out WTF is happening. Since then he’s been chatty but everything is very short lived. Like I asked him what he’s up to today. He replied “eat,sleep, workout”. OK. WTF. But he has been saying goodnight and good morning since then. We shall see. Yesterday he got into this whole “daddy needs to buy me something” again and I told him “I’m not a sugar daddy, just a daddy. Thanks” he replied “Cool” and I said “Cool??” He didn’t reply again until 5 hours later when he said “goodnight sir”. I just don’t get him, nor do I get why I am trying to hard for someone who’s clearly not putting any effort into liking/impressing me back.

Chatting with a few guys on OKCupid, we shall see if any of those become a date/in person meeting.

I had this insane vivid dream the other night that I started school again at ISU. Ever since then I have really been regretting that when I was laid off I didn’t take a different path. I really fucked myself by doing what I did. I should have used that opportunity to go back to school.

I have a roommate moving in with me end of this week, we shall see how well this goes, but it will be nice to have the income and lower out of pocket cost for living.

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Over and over

I always seem to get stuck in this routine of finding guys that I just cannot have that I want.

Two years ago, I met this guy Randy (aka army) here in DSM. I was still dating calvin at the time so we just met as friends. Saw a movie together while I was home. Hung out a bit. But nothing else happened. We sort of stayed in touch for a bit after that, just chit-chatting. Nothing major.

Last christmas we re-connected but only via txt. He ditched me the one time we were supposed to hang out. I stopped talking to him after that… We re-connected again midyear for some reason. I forget why/how. But then again stopped talking.

This year I was on Tinder and found him again and we started chatting more. I invited him to come hot tub, I never thought he would agree, but he actually showed up. We hot tubbed for 2 hours just chit-chatting, cuddling. I kept trying to give him a kiss but he would always turn his face.

We went up to my room after and laid in bed and cuddled and watched 90 day fiance. about mid-way through we started actually kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. it was honestly horrible, mostly because i was top and it’s been a long time since i topped someone. haha.

We finished the TV show and then he left. i was sad that he wouldn’t stay and cuddle the ngiht away.

Didn’t see him again until Christmas night. That night I was over at my aunts house and I invited him over and he actually showed up. I was shocked for a second time! And even more shocked because he met my aunt, cousin and my grandma all at once. So awk. but we had a fun time. AFter that he came back to my place, we hot tubbed again and then watched a movie and cuddled in bed. He again left 🙁 this time he was a little more kissey but nothing else happened.

Then lastly I saw him yesterday. We had a 2 hour lunch and then he had to go to a family thing.

Overall, he’s a really great guy. Ambitious, smart, super cute. But there’s a lot of little things that are either confusing or annoying.

He takes forever to text back. IE I sent him mutiple texts last night started at 5pm and he hasn’t replied to any of them. But yet he was on grindr and posting to snap chat. Granted he was with family. But if he could be on grindr, he could have replied.

He’s not very open about what he actually feels. I get the sense he really likes me as well, but then he also says things that seem like he doesn’t give a shit. IE last night we were saying goodbye and he said “i don’t want you to see me cry”.. but then he said something snappy right after that that kinda put me off. And when we said goodbye, it was just a quick hug and then he walked off.

He makes these jokes that I can’t tell if they are really jokes.

He goes out drinking a lot…. Which, I sort of get because it’s the holiday period, lots of family in town, etc. From what I’ve gathered over the past few years of knowing him during a typical week he’s up at 5am, working out, going to work, going to school, doing army shit. etc. So I get that he’s young (23) and so during these break times, he’s out partying. When I was 23, I did the same thing

He’s YOUNG… He’s mature but also very immature at the same time. He enlisted in the army because his parents could no longer afford college for him. He works 3 jobs to pay for stuff. So he’s mature that way. But he’s also very immature in his ability to share feelings, stuff like that.

Anyway, we talked about going to vietnam together. I doubt that’ll ever happen… I told him to come visit me. He said “if you buy the ticket”. I told him I would split the cost with him and he said “Nope”.

I always get stuck into these same routine over and over again. Finding guys I like who are not really feasible to date.

I’m so ready to just settle down. I want to be married by now!

Boarding flight now. I gotta go!

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To the Bay

A lot has happened since my last real post, about my breakup with Calvin. We’ve still been texting every day but we haven’t really talked since the breakup. I still wonder to myself if it was the right decision. I haven’t been on a date since, been getting more and more depressed and just sitting at home with Astra.

Then in June I was notified that the company was being sold. I wasn’t sure to who, but was given a huge list of things to prepare for them. I was one of the first people to know, but being the lead IT person you have to get them a lot of information early in the process. In August I met the new owners, they were nice but I found out they were MORMON. Yes, the LDS Church itself was buying out the company! I could go on for hours about how I feel about that.

In November the sale completed. It was an asset only buy out, so on Tuesday we were working for the old company, at the end of the day, we all got fired and then on Wednesday we were told if we had a new job or not. I didn’t have a job. I was asked to stay on for 6 months during the transition. This week is my last week with the company.

I decided I would really push to try and grow my VOIP business, I hired a sales person, a business consultant, marketing campaigns. I’ve spent $15k+ and I have 0 new customers to show for that.

I quickly found a new job at a food processing company in the Bay area of California. They agreed that they would wait until the 6 months were up. I’ve spent 10 years of my life in California, I really didn’t want to move back there so I continued applying for jobs elsewhere. All I’ve received are rejection letters.

This past weekend was packing day. My entire life has been shoved again into shipping containers. I’m moving to California. Starting life again with no friends, a new job, a new city.

I’m not happy about it. As I stated in my last post (although now I’m a year older). I was hoping that by now in my life I would be married, happily living in a house with a huge yard on the edge of a bigger city. Our dogs, our life, being happy.

Instead, I’m constantly on the verge of tears almost every day. I go home, I walk my dog, I sit and I watch TV. I contemplate what’s next in life, what else could I be doing for money/life.

If only I weren’t HIV+, this would be easier to just NOT take a job for 6 months and try to find something else. But I have to have healthcare, I have to buy a $2,500/month medicine to live.

If only I were more able to think about ways to support myself, grow honey and eggs, sell everything and become a farmer, be a better salesman and grow my VOIP, become a woodworker or metal worker. Just something, anything that would allow me to live life and not work for “the man”. To make someone ELSE rich.

Here I am upsetting my life, moving back to California, and not happy in the least about doing it.

What’s really upsetting about this is seeing some of the people I’ve dated in the past. There’s this one guy, at the time he was a college drop out with no job, I introduced him to a friend, I pushed him to go back to school. Now, he’s living the live _I_ would want. Running his own business, being successful. Why can’t _I_ actually do that for myself.