My Life Not Published

Army and Wine

So, continuing where we left off. Monday was nice. Army offered to bring me lunch but I declined. I though we needed some space for the day. That evening we went to the gym together with Thomas and he worked us out. Surprisingly I completed almost all his workout (minus pull-ups and pushups) and wasn’t that sore the next day. We ate dinner and then went home. Showered and laid in bed talking and watching a show. He picked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel to watch which is HILARIOUS and nothing like what I would expect from him to be watching! We cuddled again but he doesn’t reciprocate anything. He just lays there.

Tuesday he again drove me to work and then went to his job interview. After that he came and got me and we went to lunch and talked. IT was super cute to have him here for lunch. This is the type of thing I want, someone to come have lunch with me. After that he went home and then came to pick me up from work again. Sadly I think Rachel is not serious about hiring him. That evening he was going to go have dinner with one of his friends he knows from college (A girl named Alex). On Sunday when we were fighting he said I could come. On Tuesday he said he wanted to go alone. That hurt, but trying to keep myself in the “friends” space I told him it would be OK. However his friend ended up cancelling on him because she is in Oakland and didn’t want to commute up and I didn’t want to offer him my car. We ended up just spending the evening together. I asked him to go on a walk with me because I wanted to educate him more about HIV. After that we made dinner, he looked for other jobs in the area and then we just laid on the couch talking, watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and then went to bed. Again I cuddled him, he didn’t reciprocate. I kept asking him “Are you OK with this” and he said yes.

Wed morning we got up and laid in bed talking a bit. I had him take the 5-love languages test. His results were interesting. First was “Quality time” then “Gifts”. His lowest one was “Affection”. We then took the Attachment study and he of course scored hard core in the Fearful-avoidant just as I suspected. We talked about it a bit but nothing really came out of that discussion.

I made him breakfast and then we drove to the airport. On the drive there (and over the previous couple days) he kept playing “The Reason” by calum scott. I know I shouldn’t read anything into it, but I end up doing so anyway. Is he trying to say something to me? Why is he trying so hard to come here for the summer. Does he just want a free ride and be in CALI or do he want to be here to be close to me?

Pasta and Darin both say he’s just using me.

At the airport I gave him a big hug. He hugged back but I could tell he was purposely keeping his face away from mine. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know he’s bad for me. I know nothing will come of it. Why do I chase, why do I engage. Everyone is telling me to move on. But I cannot. Why is that! Why am I torturing myself so.

I texted him before his flight left “Text me when you get home so I know you made it safe”. That night I had a date (more on that later). After my date it was 11pm CST and he still hadn’t texted. I posted a picture on instagram and he nearly instantly liked it. I texted him “Still not home?” It went through a txt instead of iMessage… I went to bed. Didn’t sleep well because I was mad about that, I’ve seen him the past week, he’s on his phone ALL THE TIME. He has the dinger on, he’s got an iWatch with LTE so he gets notifications, etc. He was OBVIOUSLY ON INSTAGRAM liking photos, so why did he not reply to me?! WTF. (again my preoccupied self kicking in here). I woke up at 3:30am and in an uncontrollable urge I text him “Uhhh?”. I went back to sleep. Woke up at 6:00 with a text from him “sorry, i got home and passed out” which is obviously not true because he was LIKING photos. I replied and said “Drive safe”. He replied “Thank you. You too have a wonderful day”.

Army returns in a weeks time. I am getting us a hotel and stuff in SF for two days. Hopefully everything goes smoothly while we are there.

Ok. I have to move to other topics because a lot is happening.
1) The date mentioned above. He was really cute in pics but only meh in person. He was wearing khakis with pleats! Even I know not to do that! Second he’s blind as a bat and refuses to wear glasses. Third he has no car and lives on an island with very sporadic bus service. Fourth he’s VERY FOB. Like worse then Wings. Fifth he’s quiet/shy. Sixth, he asked me to help him with his english on his homework! WTF. He wants to go on a hike next weekend, so we will see about that.

2) I’ve been working on applying for this job with a NAV ERP implementation company in Napa. They really liked me, I really liked them but we just couldn’t come together on a salary. I am really let down by this as I was super excited for this opportunity but I cannot go back to making what I was making in in 2012! That’s just not possible. Hopefully we will stay in touch and if things change I can still take the job. But at this point it’s just not feasible.

Dating life here sucks in general. Everyone is too far away. Vallejo is a bad place to and is almost MORE restrictive then Kennewick. With the city so close yet so far away, people aren’t willing to take the time or effort to date someone which would be a LEAST one hour commute each time to see each other. Also so many people don’t have cars and there’s no easy public transit option to Vallejo. I’m not sure what to do at this point in my life.

I think about it every day how much I fucked up with Calvin still. I know I have to move on, but I had a great thing with him and it still makes me sad. We haven’t spoken since Apr 6th.

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