2 years ago tomorrow, I was sitting at my desk, working away and taking phone calls, when I turned around and saw my supervisor walking in my general direction with some flowers. It was Johnny’s last day (he sat right next to me) so I assumed they were for him. Instead, Brent set them down at my desk and said “these just came for you.” My heart raced, my cheeks flushed, and I hurriedly opened the card.
“Andrew- Let’s drop the ‘almost’ – Topher”
And just like that, I had a boyfriend. At that instant in time, I had no idea that I was in for the happiest 14 months of my life, and the most depressed 9 months after. I had no idea this would take me to Omaha, to Kansas, to NJ, to Cali, to zoos, malls, gardens, hot tubs, coffee shops, museums, and everywhere in between. I had no idea I’d be so in love with someone and fly home twice my first semester to see them. And that they would love me so much they would come twice to see me my second semester. I had no idea I would give everything I had to one person, and receive it in return. I had no idea I would know real love, and be taken to heaven. And I definitely had no idea I’d drop so far into hell afterwards, and experience a sadness and depression I’ve never known.
Yes, 2 years has passed. What started out as a love that yearned to live forever, has now degraded into him wishing I’d rot in hell. Him having another boyfriend, who he openly admitted would never be as good as me. And me. Here, unable to understand why I can’t stop crying. Forcibly stopping myself from calling, and wishing things had turned out different.
It is kind of funny. I told him one time that I would be willing to move back to Iowa and go to ISU for him, if he thought that’s what it would take to get us back together. I was that in love with him, that I would’ve uprooted my life just for us to be happy again. And now I am leaving… but without him. And now he hates me for leaving. And I might never see him again. All I have are pictures, and I can’t even look at them, it’s too painful. All the while he is happy with someone else.
We’ve been broken up 9 months now. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we kissed for the first time, or just yesterday that we spent all day at Rieman Gardens, or just yesterday that he flew me out to college… or just yesterday that I flew back to Iowa just to tell him I loved him.
“Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth,
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt,
Still a little hard to say what’s going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
Still a little bit of your face I haven’t kissed
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
And life it taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball”
I wish this wasn’t happening to me. I wish everything would be alright. I hate feeling like this, and I don’t know when it’s going to stop.
Tomorrow is going to be even worse. I’m going to try not to cry, but I’m not promising anything. Based on today, I probably won’t be able to control myself.