Wow, so this last night didn’t go at all as planned.

When I was getting off the plane, I was so nervous to see Chris. I was physically shaking and sweating and getting so excited to see him. I just wnated to drop everything and throw my arms around him and hug him so tight. I practically ran to get to him quicker. And I was met with seeming indifference. He smiled, he hugged me… but it didn’t seem like he was really excited that I was there.

The rest of the night was pretty awkward, I didn’t know what to say. That and fucking Jon kept txting him. Now I know Chris can’t stop it, but could Jon just give us one second alone? I mean honestly, I was so upset everytime the stupid phone rang. And when he came home this morning, it was the same thing. Give it a rest, just for a day or two! Please! Chris and I can’t work on our relationship with someone who won’t stop trying to talk to him all day long. It just really upset/frustrated me.

So then we finally went out and talked. And boy, did that go in the complete wrong direction. I guess since I broke up with him and he was always telling me how upset he’d be if that happened, etc. I just assumed that he’d want to get back together. In fact, I already had it in my head that we WERE back together. I had it in my head that tonight we’d kiss and cuddle and when he came home in the morning, we’d eat breakfast and then cuddle some more while he slept and then just go our merry way as the happy couple we used to be. And well that didn’t happen at all. Suddenly he’s saying that HE needs more time, HE just wants to be friends. I literally felt like my world was crashing down all around me. Here I was, crying hysterically, the only thing I wanted was Chris and I couldn’t have him. I can’t remember the last time I felt like so much shit. And then to make it worse he would rub my back and hug me. Just reinforcing to me how I can’t have that.

He said he wants to take it slow. And I guess I’m having a hard time understanding. At first I wanted to take it slow too, but he wants to take a million steps backward. Start back out as friends? How can two people who openly say they love each other and have already had a 14 month relationship just be friends again? How? I don’t know if I can do it. I wanted to find some sort of compromise, but he seemed to be against that. So basically we’re in a holding pattern. i have to try not to be upset when I’m around him and just wait for him to decide whether he wants to be with me or not. And I’m very scared that I’m gonna wait for however long and then he’s gonna say ‘yeah I decided I don’t want you.’ Well ok then. It’s like if you want me, just say so , and if you don’t, just say so. It hurts so bad, I just spent the whole night crying…

I can’t kiss him, I can’t hug him, I can’t do any of the things I want to do with him. It hardcore sucks. I honestly don’t even know what to do with myself. I kept telilng him last night I love him so much, and it hurts to not be able to hold his hand or kiss him or be cute like we were. it hurts so much.

Why can’t he just love me the way he used to? Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I think about all I could potentially lose by breaking up with him? Why do i do these stupid things? God, I miss him so much. He’s sleeping right now and I wish I could just crawl in there and cuddle with him.. but I can’t. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to. WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?

I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt so much love for a person, and I’ve never felt so hurt by that same person. He says he loves me too but then he doesn’t want to be with me. How can that be? If we both love each other, why aren’t we together?

I think Ty’s coming out of the shower so I should wrap this up.

Basic gist:

Life right now could not suck any worse. The one thing I would give my life to have, I can’t have. And at the same time, I’m being told that he’s still in love with me. I can only hope that I’m strong enough to make it through this, and that he decides soon what he wants. I am going to try my hardest to be strong and look happy and smile and talk to him as best I can. Anything to speed this up and get us back to good. I have so many things planned for us. So many things I want to do.

Here’s hoping we get to do them.. and soon.


I’m so confused lately. But now it’s not about me. It’s about him.

For probably the past 5-6 days/nights, I’ve been feeling the same. The same. As in, feeling the same thing everyday, and not flip flopping all the time. It feels good, it feels nice, and I like it a lot.

But suddenly it feels like he doesn’t feel the same. I guess I just hoped that once I started showing a lot of interest again, started complimenting him, started all that stuff, that he would want to talk to me more and take more time to do it. Granted, he did take a night off from Jon to talk to me, but I guess I just want more. I feel like I’ve practically done a 360 the past few days with our phone talks, and I just wish he would do the same. He is doing good though, it seems to me the first few minutes are still kinda awkward, (the “Hi” still doesn’t sound right to me), but afterwards it gets better.

I guess being apart really does put some things in perspective. Being apart, and talking to other guys (ok, it’s only online so it hardly counts, but with the # of people that have been IMing me lately, I feel I can draw a general concensus) has really made me understand some things. I keep wanting to tell him all about it, but I feel too stupid and feel like I might hear back “Yeah that’s great, but actually I’ve moved on.” The only reason I feel that way is b/c I never get any hints that he hasn’t moved on. I try to say nice things, etc, and never get anything back. A little positive reinforcement would be nice sometimes. Like we’re always talking about, BOTH of us must work hard for this to succeed, not just one.

Please… act like you miss me. Tell me you can’t wait to see me. Tell me that your life just hasn’t been the same since we broke up. Because that’s the way I feel. And I hope I’m not the only one.

On the other side, I can see where he’s coming from. I guess I like to try and act like we just never broke up, which I know I can’t do. But so many times I want to say “Ohhh honey” or something along those lines. And I just keep it inside. I’m very much looking forward to when I get there, and I’m looking forward to talking things over with him, and hopefully getting in a long convo about everything. I wish we could have them more often on the phone. For once, he’s the one who is always busy, and I’m the one who isn’t. Guess I’m feeling possessive… about someone I’m not even dating. That’s kinda funny.

Well, I should wrap this up. Point is, I wish I wasn’t going to NJ and was going to Cali instead tomorrow to be with him and see what’s going to happen. The anticipation is just killing me. In 4 days, and 23 hours, I will be there. At least I think that’s the right time. I can’t wait. Hope he can’t wait either. Hoping to have a wonderful few days… and potentially hopefully maybe a wonderful few weeks, months, or years.

PS- I am not a psycho/obsessed, although for some reason I feel like I am.
PSS- Maybe it’s not that I’m possessive, maybe it’s that I feel threatened, and I’m scared someone could take him away. I shant allow that. And I mean that in a very nice, “I care about you oodles” way.

Hope this didn’t upset you. In fact, I hope it made you smile. I hope I make you smile.

What The Hell

He was totally annoying me on the phone for some reason, yet when he said he had to go, I didn’t want him to.

What the hell’s going on? Why do I feel the way I do… jealousy, remorse…. who the hells knows? Am I upset b/c it seems like he’s moving on? The answer is I have no fucking clue.

I wish I just knew how this would all end up so we could either get back together, or get over each other. Why does it have to be this hard?

Look at me and tell me who I am… what I am… why I am… (Jekyll & Hyde)

Ugh I’m so annoyed (not at him, but at me) and so tired of not knowing what I want. I really really hope that when I get there, we can both sit down and figure this all out. Cause I sure as hell can’t do it by myself.

Just for you

Ok, here’s the update FINALLY. It probably won’t be as long as you’d like honey. Don’t hate me!! 🙂

Well, the week before Chris came I did a lot of thinking. Mainly at work, since I sit there and think and do nothing else. What did I think about? Well, I wantd to give Chris my virginity. I could not think of any reason not to. I know I alwyas said I would wait until I was married, but I didn’t want to any longer. Chris means the world to me, and I decided that I was ready to share that special thing with him. By the time he showed up, I had decided for sure that was what I wanted to do.

I told him that one night and he said no and he didn’t seem like he wanted to. I understood taht he had to prepare himself as well, because I can understand him being scared that I was just saying it and didn’t really mean it and stuff. Anyways, we didn’t do it that night, and didn’t talk about it again.

Until the last night. I was completely prepared, I was clean, and I wanted to do it. Chris and I sat and kissed, and we started messing around. I told him that I wanted him to make love to me. He was unsure at first, and kept saying we should wait, and did I really want it and whatnot. but I did. I was sure of it. I wanted to use a condom, so he had to run to the car and get one.

He was wonderful throughout it. He never went too fast, he always asked how I was doing, he constantly made sure it didn’t hurt. It took awhile before we were actually going, becasue I had to get used to it. But once we did, it was just magical. I’m very glad that we did that. I don’t regret one single thing. It’s brought our relationship up to a whole otehr level. Though we didn’t really get to experience that b/c he left the next morning. But it was truly a great experience.

I’m glad that I decided to share it with him. Regardless of whether we stay together or not in the long run, I will never regret it. My first time was with someone I love more than anything else in the world, and I will never forget it.

Thank you honey for giving me such an unforgettable night. It was amazing to share that with you, and I would not have done it unless I truly truly loved you, I hope you know that.

Together we stand, Divided we Fall

Ok, here’s the big spring break update. I’ll just break it up into days to make it easier on everyone. NOw hopefully I can even remember what I did.

Friday: Work sucked, and Alicia and I took a long (like 1/2 hour) break to get some coffee and go to the bank. I talked most of the time, and then just killed time. SOmewhere in there, I actually did some work. Some. Just as I was getting off, Chris was getting to the circle, so he picked me up there, and we went back to campus. He was tired and a bit grouchy, but I was just happy to see him! We brought all his stuff in, and went to dinner with some people, which was fun. We didn’t stay too long cause Chris wanted to go back to the room. We didn’t really do much that night, just watched TV and went to bed.

Saturday: We went to The Getty Center with kat and her mom, which was really fun! We spent the whole day just walking around and having a good time. The museum was really big, but didn’t relaly have the kind of art I like. Strangely enough, it had a piece I learned about in Art History, so that was crazy. Nothing else really that day, Chris and I drove home, and did nothing.

Sunday: I think this was the day we went to the Long Beach Museum? I don’t remember what we did this day, maybe Chris does.

Monday: Chris went for his first interview. After that, we did some apartment shopping with Byron. This summer is shaping up to be very confusing, for many reasons, but I’ll discuss that later. Anyways, after that, Chris and I hung around. Maybe this was the day we went to Long Beach. Didn’t do anything exciting, I guess.

Tuesday: Chris had his other interview. When he was done, we did some apartment shopping again, and then…. I don’t remember. WEnt to Long Beach?? LOL.

Wednesday: We were planning to go to MOCA today, but it was closed, so we decided to go to San Diego instead. We were gonna go to the SD Museum of Contemporary Art, and we got there (it was actually located in La Jolla) and it was closed 🙁 That sucked, but La Jolla was so pretty. I’ll try to get the pics up. WE walked around the beach and rocks, and took some pics, and then we walked around the shops and looked at all the stuff. It was such a beautiful area, I wish I lived there! Eventually we made our way to Balboa park which was also gorgeous, and then we went to the Science Center and saw an IMAX movie. I kinda fell asleep during it, I love IMAX, but this one was about Austrailia and pretty boring. After that, we walked around more, and hopefully scared some breeders (we held hands most of the time), and then we broke for downtown, but never made it cause Marfs called and we were meeting her for dinner. So we drove back north to where she was and went to a yummy Mexican place and then to Coldstone. MMMM. After that, Chris and I drove home, and totally crashed.

Thursday: Went to the LA Museum of Contemporary Art. It sucked cause we had to pay 12 bucks to park, and then ended up finding a place where you only had to pay 4. Suck. Anyways, the museum was really cool, it was totally the art that I love. It sucked that we couldn’t take any pics, b/c there were lots of photo ops. MOCA is actually 3 museums, so we walked to the 2nd location, and went through Little Tokyo, which was pretty cool. The 2nd one had a lot of cool stuff, like this room with all white walls and then just this big thing against one of them that was illuminated from behind and had a thin strip of lighting going around the outside and it made the entire room glow an odd color and when you looked at it, I got lost inside the color, it was really amazing, I loved it. Lots of other crazy stuff there. Walked back to the car, and couldn’t find it, and ended up eating at Carls Jr. b/c we were so hungry. Finally found the car, drove to the next one, which was in West Hollywood and we saw all the gay pride flags and it was tons of fun. The one there sucked, it was like 2 floors and it was just very tiny. It was like the size of my house back in Iowa. Maybe smaller. Not worth it casue we ended up in tons of traffic on the way home. Got home, watched TV and crashed.

Friday: Went all around. Looked at a couple more apartments, then went to Target so I could pick up some stuff. After that, we broke for home and hung out there, and I did some homework. THen we went up to Natalies for a BBQ, which was really fun. Jenn showed me her breast and I was scared… and excited 🙂 It was a good time though, lots of yummy food and good times. Chris and I broke early cause it was his last night here and we wanted to spend some alone time together. The rest of Friday is best kept for a private entry 😉

Saturday: Chris left this morning at 7:15. I was very sad and cried for a bit. Then I got up, got ready, did some homework, and have been at work ever since 9:20 or so. Nothing going on here, just plowing through a ton of shit that I have to do. I haven’t decided whether I’ll be coming back tomorrow or not. I probably will, cause I need the money.

And speaking of that. I got my Financial Aid thingy. And was very upset. All I got offered were two loans. And not even very good ones. One of them is for parents and has to start being paid right after the money is given out. And the other starts collecting interest right from the get go. I haven’t talked to mother yet so I don’t know if we should accept them or not. Now I really need to get those scholarships I apply for. Dollars for Scholars here I come. lol. So that sucked, and made me upset about SAS and study abroad. I really hope I can still do both. I think that I am willing to go into debt for those things. For regular school, I don’t really want to. But for something like spending my summer on a cruise ship going around the entire world… how can I pass taht up? And this is the only time I’ll get to do it. So hopefully I still can.

School schedules up. I think I’ll be taking 3 psych classes (for my major) and 2 business classes (for my minor). I might also sign up for a Contemporary Art class, just for fun. And all those classes (except art) are on Tuesday and Thursday, which means I can spend MWF working all day. The art one was MW from 7-8:15. I know I said I wouldn’t take another night class, but I think this one would be ok. We’ll see what I end up doing. I register in two weeks and hopefully I get those classes. I had no problem last time, and this time around, we don’t have seniors or incoming freshmen to deal with. So it should be good.

Summer is gonna be crazy. I think now that I’m going to go home. The more I think about it,t he more I want to do it. IF I can work at Wells Fargo, I’ll make more than I do here, and I’ll probably also try to work at Hy-Vee. PLUS, I won’t have to pay summer housing. PLUS I think that if there’s any summer where I’ll be home all summer, it’ll be this one. So I don’t want to miss the opportunity. But so many things could change, we have to figure out who’s living with who and if I can even get the jobs and if I could pick my job up here back in the fall, or what the hell’s going on. Must talk to several parties before I make any decisions, but as far as I can tell, that’s what i want to do.

Ummmmm I think that’s it. No one is at school, so tonight will be boring. Thank goodness I have shit to do. Talked to Jennny today for like 45 minutes. She’s alive, thank goodness. Has a job, maybe a boyfriend, and moved to Beaverdale (Iowa). That was good. Called Court, she called back, I called her back, and now I’m waiting for her to call. Must talk to her about the jobs at WF.
Alright, well I’m gonna do some other stuff and then actually get back to working. Big shock, I know.
Anyways, hope everyone’s spring break was as great as mine was!!!