A boundary crossed

I was already having a bad day, and we had already fought once. We had gotten snappy with each other before, and said some mean things.. but I NEVER… NEVER thought he would say it to me.

Chris: I ask you what’s wrong, you get mad, I tell you I can’t talk You get mad.
(18:51:40) Andrew: goodbye
(18:51:41) Chris: Goodbye
(18:51:44) Chris: fuck you.

I just started crying in my room. how can you say something like that so someone that you are supposed to love? I can’t even believe it. And then he convienently posted it on his journal so I could read it again and cry again.
And of course his new away message “You fuck off. I was just trying to find out what was wrong with you.” Thanks. Thanks a lot.
A huge line was crossed today the instant he said that. It might sound stupid, but this isn’t something I’m just going to forget about.
He didn’t even call to say he was sorry. I don’t even think he is.
I got another message from him saying that I could call him when I was ready. Well, I’m not going to. You tell me to fuck off and I’m supposed to call you? And do what? Apologize? You are the one who said the worst thing you could’ve possibly said.
I don’t know what to do. For now, I’ll just keep contemplating it, in shock, wonder how my boyfriend could possibly say something like that to me, and cry.
If this sounds dramatic, sorry. Clearly, I’m in a shitty shitty shitty mood.

Deep thoughts

I love you.

That’s the best way to explain things. It’s the best, and most simplest way to try and tell you how I feel about you. I love you.
Lately, I haven’t been there for you. I haven’t been able to make time for you. I couldn’t get you a card on time for Valentines Day. I make you mad all the time.

I’m truly sorry. Every time you tell me that I’ve hurt or upset you, it tears me up inside.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to upset you. I want to be the best boyfriend that you could possibly have. Because that’s what you are to me.

When I was living with you for that month, that was the happiest month I have had in a long time. Beginning and ending every day with a kiss from you was amazing. Laying with you every night in bed, and having your warm arms surrounding me was wonderful. Every night, as I go to bed here, I long for you.

I wish you were here. I wish we wouldn’t fight so much. I wish I could shape up and be the boyfriend you want me to be. I know I can be that man. I know I can make you feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I know I can love you the way you love me.

You are always so caring with me, so kind and gentle. After everything I keep putting you through, you stick by my side. I am so thankful to have you in my life. You are the best thing that has happened to me. You keep me going, you always push me further than I think I can go, you always encourage me.

You, Cj B, are the most amazing person. You have incredible tolerance and patience with me.

I know I’ve been messing up a lot. I know I haven’t been there for you. I know I’ve been making you mad and refusing to admit I’m wrong. I know I try to turn it around and make you feel guilty, when I’m the one who has the guilt. I’m sorry for that. I just get so frustrated that we aren’t together. It comes out in bad ways. I hope you know that I truly love you with all my heart and I want you in my life.

I just want you to be here with me. To hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everythings ok and that you love me. I’m so afraid of losing you. I’m so afraid of never finding anyone like you again. You are the guy I’ve always dreamed about finding, and now that I’ve got you, I’m going to hold on with all I have.

I’m going to try harder. I’m going to try to be a better boyfriend, I’m going to try and make more time, I’m not going to forget any more holidays. Knowing that I have caused you hurt makes me want to just sit down and cry. I don’t want to hurt the one I love.
I’m sorry that this is so rambling and makes no sense. But I just wanted to truly express my sorrow for having upset you the past few days and for having us fight so much. It’s only a matter of time before you are here with me. I can’t wait until you get here, and we can continue developing our already wonderful relationship. I’m so excited to see what the future holds for us.

Well, this is long enough. Just know that I love you with all my heart and would give up anything for you in a heartbeat. I promise you that things will get better. We’ve been together almost 9 months, and we have many many more ahead of us.

I love you Topher.


I’m sorry it appears as though I don’t have any time for you. But I can’t seem to find it. I can’t even find time for myself, let alone other people. I still care about you immensely and wish you were here to hug me, kiss me, and tell me to suck it up and stick it out and the reward in the end will be great.

The other day I caught myself looking up plane tickets *slaps hands* don’t let me do it. Don’t let me spend all the money I’m working so hard for. It isn’t that I don’t want to see you, but I REALLY can’t afford to come there again. But I want to so bad… I miss you baby. TONS.

So I’m not entirely what to say in this private update.

The making out thing. I understand where Chris is coming from. Because sometimes I want to make out with other people too. And I know that I have made out with several other people before, but now it’s different. It’s like.. I just want to. Since I’m in college and stuff. Plus, Casey keeps getting right on top of me, and puts his face practically in mine, and it just tempts me b/c he’s cute. Kinda how Justin tempts Chris.

But yeah.. I think it would be ok if he wanted to make out with someone else. And the reason I think it’s ok is b/c I can totally understand where he’s coming from. I sometimes want to make out with other people too. Specially since him and I cannot make out at this point. But if we did, of course I would want us to change our relationship status to “open”, b/c if we didn’t, that would mean we were cheating on each other and that isn’t good of course. But I just don’t know how to feel about it all. I would rather us do it and not tell each other, but he would rather we did. I think telling each other would make us jealous and stuff. Specially if he was hooking up more than I was and vise versa. And I really want him to top as well. I obviously want to stick to my guns and not give it up that easily, but I do feel bad that he doesn’t get to. B/c I know he really likes to, and it makes me sad that he can’t. So I guess he could do it to someone else and that would be ok. Though ideally it would be in a 3 some setting, with me, that just isn’t possible at the moment. So I want him to satisfy his desires and just do it.

On another hand, I’m very proud of him for going out this weekend. I know that going out was much better that him sitting alone in his apartment and contemplating the fact that i’m gone. So yay for my honeypies.

And speaking of that, I feel bad sometimes, like I’m not missing him enough. I miss him, of course, but not to the extent that I think I won’t make it through the next day. Like tonight, when he was upset that we hadn’t been talking. Well, I feel like we have been talking a good enough time. The other days ont he phone, we hardly had anything to talk about it felt like. Maybe I’m just making this all up. But I still feel bad about feeling like I don’t miss him enough. I don’t really know. Like I really miss him, but I think I will make it through the 60 days just fine, probably without any tears. And that makes me feel bad.

That’s about it I think. As more happens, and as I can figure out more stuff, I’ll write more.

I’m cold too, just FYI.

And here it is..

The update about what happened yesterday. Which was nothing good. It was pretty much a rollercoaster ride…unfortunately it only had a slight uphill track, and a long and steep downhill one.
So yeah we all decided we were gonna drink as a big end of the year thing like yay we did it, our first semester is over! So that’s what it started out as. Now, Chris doesn’t like it when I drink. And I have stopped myself from drinking several times this semester because of him. But this one time I wanted to. And he did not want to concede to me. We started out talking online, and he wanted to ignore it, but I pursued it anyway. That started causing problems. I called him b/c he left me an IM message saying “I see wher emy feelings rank” or something like that.
So I called him and we got into this huge screaming match that lasted for an hour. it was horrible. Neither of us were willing to concede this time. I thought that he was trying to control me, and he thought my wanting to get drunk ranked over my feelings for him (which isn’t true). Anyways, it was just this huge spat and I got really upset b/c he threatened to not let me stay with him over break. He says it wasn’t a threat, but I took it as one. I couldn’t believe my ears when he was saying that. And reading his journal this morning, where he said “if we had fought yesterday morning as we did last night, it would have been the end” I was even more upset. So it was just bad. The screaming, the fighting. A bit more than I could handle. And it sucked b/c we didn’t even get anything resolved.
So after him and I finished fighting, I was uber pissed. So Lisa and I walked around, stopped in some people’s rooms and talked. I just stood around being pissy. No one really asked what was wrong, and that annoyed me too. But whatever.
Eventually we made our way to 211, and Henley Adam gave us a shot. So that was my 1st and it was something disgusting. After that, we went to Rachel’s room and hung out for a bit. Eventually she broke out her alcohol. By this point, I was still uber pissed at Chris, and in mymind had come up with a demented plan to “get back” at him, even though I really had nothing to get back for. And my plan involved drinking A LOT, to show that he doesn’t control me. And obviously my plan hideously backfired on me. Anyways, Rachel, Lisa, and Sarah went to get Sprites, and I asked Rach if I could take a shot of her stuff. She said ok. So while they were gone.. I took 4.
Bad idea.
Eventually they came back, and Ro and Brook came in. I started feeling it, so I just layed ont he floor and talked to Ro and Brook. That was good times, we all just sat around and talked and shit. Then Sarah kept telling me to keep drinking this Sprite that was mostly alcohol, and since I was drunk I did. So that made me even drunker. By then I was pretty gone and had decided I had had enough, I’d proved my point and I was finished.
Natalie came eventually and we just all hung out. Where I broke my promise to myself and took one more shot. It was ironic because right before this all started I was talking to Laura Henson and she was tellin gme about Bacardi Razz or something like that… and then Nat had it. It was jst random. So for that reason (Laura said it was really good) I took a shot of that.
After that it was almost 12, and Lisa and I went to 211 to say hi. Everything was spinning and I knew things weren’t going so well. I don’t remember walking to the room, but I remember being on the floor in the room, and Pralle Adam gave me a hug. Then Lisa and I came upstairs, and I knew I was done for the night, so I told her I was just gonna go to my room.
So She opened the door for me, and I pretty much just fell into my bed. Kyle adn Danny were asking what was happening. I just layed thre for awhile, then felt sick, so I went to the bathroom.
Where I stayed for the next 2 hours, throwing up. It was a very horrible experience, and that’s what I get for doing something just to spite someone. I take it too far and end up having this happening. It was one of those “I can’t even open my eyes b/c the toilet spins around me” type things. H O R R I B L E.
However, Allison, and my roomies were being very very good about it. They took care of me for the most part. Allison would come in and rub my back, and talk to me. I kept apologizing to everyone for doing this and saying how sorry I was. At one point, I just broke down and started bawling while Allison was in there. I talked a lot about Chris and how great he is, and how stupid I am for doing all this to him. I felt so stupid. I went on crying and rambling for awhile. I kept downing tons of water. In like a half hour-45 minute period, I seriously drank 3 bottles of water. And then threw it all up. but it was what I needed.
It was just really bad. At one point, I was on my back on the floor and I couldn’t stop shaking and my teeth couldn’t stop chattering. I was freezing. And I thought I had to go to the bathroom at one point, so I was sitting on the toilet and thought I was gonna throw up, so I took our garbage box and put it on my legs and threw up into it. And the throw up went straight through the box and onto my legs. Which was uber disgusting.
Anyways Allison got me new clothes. Eventually, at like 2:15, I was somehow able to stand up. I waited until I felt stabalized, and then walked to my bed, just fell on it, and went to sleep. And that was the end of my horrible night.
Kyle and Danny were really good too. They helped Allison get me up when I couldn’t myself, and Danny went and bought me waters so that I could keep drinking them. Also, Danny would periodically knock on the door and say something like “How you doing champ?” I thought it was very nice of both of them, though this morning, I apologized profusely and thanked them for helping out and being so understanding. They are really good guys. Neither of them seemed mad or upset or anything so that was good.
Anyways today I’ve done nothing. I packed, got a haircut, and talked to Chris. Things with us are much better, which is good. We may still have some talking to do, but at least we aren’t screaming at each other. I can’t wait till it’s 2 weeks from now and I’m leaving to come see him. I’m so excited. I miss him so much. So yeah.
We are going to the Olive Garden for dinner. Then just lots of hanging out. Pretty much it’s only me, Nat, and Allison left. Kat and Martha are coming back late tonight, Jess and Yosh are probably doing something else, and everone else is gone.
So that’ll be my day and night. Look for updates about the delays my planes will have tomorrow.
And to everyone that was involved in last night, I am so sorry. I’m mostly sorry to Chris. I’m sorry honey for what happened between us. It should not have come to that. I love you.