We had it again. The same fucking fight. The same fucking fight we have every single fucking time I bring up hanging out w/ Rach, Kt, or Court without him.
It’s so stupid… so fucking stupid. I understand where he’s coming from. But they are not evil bitches out to intentionally not invite him and steal him from me. But they want their alone time with me, just as he does. They love me just as much as he does. And they like him just fine.
He gets very nasty when we have this fight and I don’t like it at all. And then he tells ME not to take that tone with him. Yeah ok.
Do we really have to fight like this around the holidays and so close to when I’m coming home? How many times are we going to have this fight when I’m there?
I can just see coming home, and him being all pissy and then getting into it. It’s going to be a problem.
You know I’m trapped in the fucking middle. I am trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can, but it isn’t fair for me to neglect my friends. I’ve done that way too much with past boyfriends to do it again. But Chris isn’t my partner in arms. If I’m somewhere, it isn’t automatic that he is with me. We need our time apart or else we are going to get on each others’ nerves. I hate going out and knowing that he is sitting at home, fuming and being pissed at me because I wanted to hang out with 3 of my best friends.
And I was this close to having a good night.
Him and I have really been running each other down lately. What’s the deal?
Time to go.

A private update?

Well, something upset me today.
In reading Chris’ journal from 2 years ago, I got upset with the stuff he had about Adam. Allt his stuff about being together forever.. pushing Arizona back to 2007…. talking about how great he is. ANd int he old journals, he always talks about how great Adam is, and how happy he is with him, and this and that, and that he’s just so wonderful and he loves to sit and talk to him.

I love you Adam. I’ll never let you go. You’ll always be on my mind. You’ll always be missed, every second we’re apart, your smile, your voice, you. You will always be with me, every where I go. I love you Adam.

That upset me the most. It is upsetting not only b/c he felt that way towards Adam, but also because he never wrote anything in his journal like that about me. There is nothing saying how much he loves me… nothing like what he used to write about Adam. And I guess I’m jealous. I just like to think that I’m a better b/f…. but sometimes the journal makes it seem like I’m not. Adam never did anything for him… I try to do everything. Adam was just an all around bad boyfriend, and I’d like to think I’m not…
It just upsets me, even though it’s stupid. i really should stop reading those 2 year ago ones. They just make me sad everysingle time I read them.

Private Post

Know how sometimes you scream at the person you love more than anything for over an hour? Yeah.. I know how it goes. Unfortunately.
Chris and I have been fighting a lot lately. It really makes me sad… as I explained to him, every day I go to sleep after we fight, wake up the next morning upset b/c of what happened. Then nothing happens to fix it, we fight again that night, and the cycle continues.
He only called to say goodnight. I only called back to say goodnight. And an hour and 15 minutes later, after both of us cried, we finally got off the phone. It started b/c I mentioned that the liberrey had Adbusters.. then he said I should pick 5 back issues that he should get… then that made me realize he was gonna buy the thingy that was like 100.00 and it was a package thing. Then I remember he told me he bought the GPS thing.. well, actually he DIDN’T tell me, but that’s another whole situation. I said he didn’t need to spend the money, and the fight began. We fought about that for awhile, then I very calmly tried to explain to him what was wrong with me lately (me always calling and him never calling back, or calling to begin with…. asking me twice what I did during the day… and maybe other things as well). All seemed well, we worked it out and there wasn’t much yelling.
Then I remembered that I had yet to tell him of my plans to go to lunch w/ Court and Ann H. Honestly, it should not have come as a surprise to him. We went through the same thing the last time I was there and several times over the summer. Yet he still took it terribly. I try so hard to see it from his point of view.. but I simply can’t. I see several points:
1. Just as he wants alone time w/ me, so do my other friends.
2. It would be weird w/ him along, going to lunch with an old teacher and Court. He would be out of place.
3. We both need to spend time with other people that aren’t each other.
4. It is different when he comes along.. and when I’m back for just 3 days, my friends don’t want to see Chris, they want to see me.
I don’t try to be mean to him… but these points make perfect sense to me. We fought about that for so long and he just kept screaming and he was so upset and that made me so upset, and I started to cry. I wanted to just sit there and bawl but I couldn’t b/c I was sitting right outside my door and people were coming in and out. It was just terrible… I can’t believe it happened like that. I just need to see him again. I can’t wait to go.
I seriously hope that he really won’t bring it up at all when I’m there and just take me, drop me off, maybe be mad while I’m gone, but be fine when I see him again. I don’t want to fly all the way to Iowa just to fight with him. He means too much to me for this to happen to us.
He said he sees similarities to Adam… that hurt me very deeply. I really hate being compared to him.
He said he loses faith very quickly… if he loses faith in our relationship, then we are done for.
Please don’t honey. I love you so much and I miss you even more. I can’t wait to see you and I’m sorry for being a bad boyfriend and for everything else I do to you.
I’m so sorry that this night had to happen.

Ok, so I’m having a bad night. I miss Topher so bad…. everyone left my room (didn’t ask me to come w/… but that’s another story) and I started listening to sad music… it wasn’t long before the pics came out, and I started crying. I had living like this. I feel isolated here. I feel left out.

But most of all, I feel sad. I’m so tired of feeling sad. I’m so tired of crying several times a week because I can’t bear to not see my Christopher anymore. No one understands.. I miss him so much.

I wish there was some way we could work it out so he could be here next semester.. or right now. I miss you baby….. more than you know.

Off to cry some more.. 🙁

what do i dooooo???

Ok, everyone give me some help.

When I got back to my dorm room, there were messages from Chris saying to call him ASAP. I was wondering what was up, so I called. He finally told me what the deal was.

He said that he found a flight for 196 on ATA airlines. He said that if I book it and pay for the whole flight, he will pay for all the gas to get to Chicago (where the flight goes) and also pay for any food that we have that weekend. Now… this is like an offer I can’t refuse you know? I don’t even know why I’m deliberating it. I want to see him again so bad. I just talked to my Mom about it and she asked if I needed any money or anything, and I said yes, I do, I want to take this flight and does she want to help? So she said she will “try” to send me some money. What that means is that she most likely won’t. Now I understand that we are hurting for money and stuff… but I mean honestly, she didn’t even pay for my books, which was 500. And I didn’t complain about that at all. Now I’m just asking for maybe 100-150 dollars so that I can fly home b/c I miss it. I really hope she comes through. Because I need to book it soon before the price changes.

So here’s my last ditch plea effort– If there is ANYONE who would like to help me get to Iowa, help the two cutest gay boys in the world reunite for a few days, help me see my friends, PLEASE let me know. Any and all contributions would be totally welcome!! 5, 10, 15, 20 bucks… if even just a few people contribute, it will make this trip a reality. As if that wasn’t desperate enough, I’m going to call Dana today to see if his roomie can still get me the WF job… and I’m going to apply at… Starbucks *hides head in shame* I know I know I know. But I want to take this trip so much that I am willing to put my moral conscience aside.

Leave me messages if you want to help.
Thanks in advance everyone, wish me luck on the jobs!