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AndyMcgee

A private update?

Well, something upset me today.
In reading Chris’ journal from 2 years ago, I got upset with the stuff he had about Adam. Allt his stuff about being together forever.. pushing Arizona back to 2007…. talking about how great he is. ANd int he old journals, he always talks about how great Adam is, and how happy he is with him, and this and that, and that he’s just so wonderful and he loves to sit and talk to him.

I love you Adam. I’ll never let you go. You’ll always be on my mind. You’ll always be missed, every second we’re apart, your smile, your voice, you. You will always be with me, every where I go. I love you Adam.

That upset me the most. It is upsetting not only b/c he felt that way towards Adam, but also because he never wrote anything in his journal like that about me. There is nothing saying how much he loves me… nothing like what he used to write about Adam. And I guess I’m jealous. I just like to think that I’m a better b/f…. but sometimes the journal makes it seem like I’m not. Adam never did anything for him… I try to do everything. Adam was just an all around bad boyfriend, and I’d like to think I’m not…
It just upsets me, even though it’s stupid. i really should stop reading those 2 year ago ones. They just make me sad everysingle time I read them.

One reply on “A private update?”

The things I wrote about Adam were obviously a mistake. You are by 8 BILLION times a better boyfriend then he could ever have hoped to have been. And I hope that you see that.

The tone on my journal has changed over the last two years, and there’s a reason I don’t write things like that anymore. And it’s for this reason, I guess. I feel really stupid when I go back and read those things that I wrote, because even at the time that I wrote them, I can guarantee you that’s not how I felt towards him. We had always had our differences, and most of the time when I wrote those, it was probably because of some stupid fight that the two of us had, and I was trying to talk myself into thinking I loved him.

I’ve learned and grown from that, and if/when I ever write something like that again. I want to know for sure that it’s the right thing to do, not that I’m trying to convince myself that’s how I feel.

I do love you and I love you more then I could have ever posibbly have felt for Adam. You are such a wonderful boyfriend, not only because of who you are, but because of what you are willing to do for me. You’ve taken so many chances for me, and lost some good friends, but I hope/feel that our relationship was worth it. And I’m going to take some chances for you.

I love you with all my heart right now. But before I write something like that again, I want to be sure that things between us will work out to more then just 16 months, more then just 5 years. I want to be sure that it’s the right thing to write.

Your jealousness is perfectly justifiable, it’s why I get so upset with the reason we fought tonight, because I’m jealous. I’ll elaborate more tommorrow on that.

Please don’t feel bad though about anything, and know that I do love you. I wouldn’t be moving to Orange, instead of SD if I didn’t think things would work out, if not in a boyfriend sense at least in a lifetime friend sense. Because even if I have to handcuff you in my closet, I’d always want you, Andrew McGeehan to be a great and close friend, I do know that for sure!

::hugs and kissess::
Topher Man

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