I’m so confused lately. But now it’s not about me. It’s about him.

For probably the past 5-6 days/nights, I’ve been feeling the same. The same. As in, feeling the same thing everyday, and not flip flopping all the time. It feels good, it feels nice, and I like it a lot.

But suddenly it feels like he doesn’t feel the same. I guess I just hoped that once I started showing a lot of interest again, started complimenting him, started all that stuff, that he would want to talk to me more and take more time to do it. Granted, he did take a night off from Jon to talk to me, but I guess I just want more. I feel like I’ve practically done a 360 the past few days with our phone talks, and I just wish he would do the same. He is doing good though, it seems to me the first few minutes are still kinda awkward, (the “Hi” still doesn’t sound right to me), but afterwards it gets better.

I guess being apart really does put some things in perspective. Being apart, and talking to other guys (ok, it’s only online so it hardly counts, but with the # of people that have been IMing me lately, I feel I can draw a general concensus) has really made me understand some things. I keep wanting to tell him all about it, but I feel too stupid and feel like I might hear back “Yeah that’s great, but actually I’ve moved on.” The only reason I feel that way is b/c I never get any hints that he hasn’t moved on. I try to say nice things, etc, and never get anything back. A little positive reinforcement would be nice sometimes. Like we’re always talking about, BOTH of us must work hard for this to succeed, not just one.

Please… act like you miss me. Tell me you can’t wait to see me. Tell me that your life just hasn’t been the same since we broke up. Because that’s the way I feel. And I hope I’m not the only one.

On the other side, I can see where he’s coming from. I guess I like to try and act like we just never broke up, which I know I can’t do. But so many times I want to say “Ohhh honey” or something along those lines. And I just keep it inside. I’m very much looking forward to when I get there, and I’m looking forward to talking things over with him, and hopefully getting in a long convo about everything. I wish we could have them more often on the phone. For once, he’s the one who is always busy, and I’m the one who isn’t. Guess I’m feeling possessive… about someone I’m not even dating. That’s kinda funny.

Well, I should wrap this up. Point is, I wish I wasn’t going to NJ and was going to Cali instead tomorrow to be with him and see what’s going to happen. The anticipation is just killing me. In 4 days, and 23 hours, I will be there. At least I think that’s the right time. I can’t wait. Hope he can’t wait either. Hoping to have a wonderful few days… and potentially hopefully maybe a wonderful few weeks, months, or years.

PS- I am not a psycho/obsessed, although for some reason I feel like I am.
PSS- Maybe it’s not that I’m possessive, maybe it’s that I feel threatened, and I’m scared someone could take him away. I shant allow that. And I mean that in a very nice, “I care about you oodles” way.

Hope this didn’t upset you. In fact, I hope it made you smile. I hope I make you smile.

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