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My Life

Hours of my life

I spent the last three hours reading e-mails… Grr!

I just wish that this stupid new Change Management process didn’t involve so MANY e-mails that get directed at the Help Desk.. Grr.

Anyways..

Things have been happening lately. Not much to really report about.

But somethings I do want to talk about. (NOTE TO ANDREW:::: Before you get pissed or upset, please read the ENTIRE POST, and if you do feel mad/annoyed/upset about something. Please CALL ME ASAP before letting it set all day and you getting mad about it all day)

Mostly this is going to be an entry about JonJon….

I feel, no… I know he’s getting to involved with me, he likes me to much. And I hate knowing that, at least with Andrew, I didn’t know he had a crush on me tell it was too late between Adam and I to make that better. So it was alright for things to happen shortly after we broke up. Right?

Anyways, I don’t like knowing that JonJon’s got a crush on me because I feel like I’m hurting him when we hang out so much and really, I’ll admit we do a lot of things that only bf’s would do, the way that we hang out. I mean by hanging every night, just sitting around on the couch talking, sitting in my room with the lights out talking about Old Navy and what we want to do with our lives. Asking each other about our days….

It’s all things that only bf’s would do, not something that friends would do. And I feel so bad that he’s got this huge crush (“Right when I realy start falling for you and I’m forced to the reality that it’s probably all in vain, so many emotions that got stopped dead”) on me and that he has to sit there and watch me talk about Andrew so much and he knows that nothing can come of a possible relationship between the two of us.

I’m sure that Andew knows exactly how he feels…

We had a long talk about it tonight, JonJon and I… It made me so sad that he feels… That he knows… That so much is going to change once Andrew gets back….

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for Andrew to get back.

But I really like hanging out with JonJon every night. I really enjoy his company. And in this time when I should be feeling like shit…. Correction, when I do feel like shit… He’s brought a little happiness to my life. Because I have something to look forward to every day, something that I DO look forward to every day.

I have someone that will come and hang with me, and talk with me. Someone that I can go out with and make fun of ths stupid fat people. Someone that I can talk cars with someone….. Someone who’s almost replaced Andrew in this time of not having him.

I guess in retrospect, maybe I did want him to replace Andrew. Maybe I’m still trying to make him replace Andrew… Even though things between us are getting better… I still feel like I can’t get attached to him again quickly, like I still have to keep him at a distance because I don’t want to be hurt again if he comes back and says that he ultimitaly doesn’t want to get back together.

Though, I do have to admit that I really like JonJon, I really love hanging out with him, I really enjoy our time together and I really look forward to hanging out with him every day… I do wish to elaborate though that this does NOT mean my feelings for Andrew have deminished any…. Because I KNOW that’s what Andrew’s thinking right now, that I’m falling in love with JonJon and forgetting about him. But that’s NOT the case. And I hope that the later part of this post will clear up how I feel about Andrew…. But I _do_ have something for JonJon, now what that is, I’m not exactly sure right now… I’ve never had this sort of feeling before in my life. Because as we all know, I have HIGH ethical standards, which honestly JonJon could never live up too…. he’s ruined that with his history… Which again is something we all know, I don’t forget. So it’s not that I love him.

What I do have though is that I love hanging out with him, and I feel he’s a really good change in my life. I love hanging out with him and and his friends, because even though they are all what I would call punkish/emoish ( which again as we all know TOTALLY DOES NOT FIT ME) I feel like I fit in with them. Unlike how I feel when hanging out with Andrews freinds here.

And what makes me the happiest is that I’ve made a friend… Completely on my own. I’ve not only made a freind, but a GREAT friend who really likes me. The fact of that makes me so happy that sometimes I cry because I’m so happy of that fact. I can’t remember the last time that I went out, did something completely on a whim and made a great friend out of it. Because, every friend I’ve had for the longest time has been someone I met through another friend… And the last time I had a friend that wanted to do hang as much as JonJon??? Well not since Andrew and I were friends, but even then we didn’t hang every night… And Andrew was met through Adam… Which again was through someone obviously.

I don’t think that I’m making my point about that as I clear as it should be….. Lets just say. You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to know that I’ve made a freind all on my own. 🙂

Now this part is all about Andrew….

Andrew wrote a big post tonight that I wanted to reply too as well, and I gues since I’ve already spilled this much about what’s going on in my life publicly, I might as well continue with this post publicly….

Andrew says that he hasn’t been flip-flopping lately, which is a good thing. I’m glad to hear that, though he never really elaborated on if that means he’s been feeling good about me or bad. But I can only assume good, since good things have been happening.

Lately he’s also been flirting a little bit, he’s started complementing me and ‘showing alot of interest’. Which is nice, and I think that i’ve been trying to show a lot of interest in what he has to do. Just as I have in the past when we were dating. Talking about our days, what we’re doing, so on and so forth. But I just don’t feel it like being flirty back. I feel as though my trust in him has been broken by his breaking up with me, and I feel like flirting with him right now is not what I want to do.

He’s said in the past that once he gets back here, it might be a while. Months maybe before he feels like he’s ready to get back together. Me, I’d like to get back together, jump back to where we were and try and work things out from there. But he wants to wait, see how things go. Be friends again for a while, then if we decide to get back together that we should take it slow, start out with dates, no sex, just start over again from scratch.

And if that’s the way that he feels, then I’m in the mode to treat him as a friend, talk to him like I would a freind. If that’s what he wants to do, then I’m not going to treat him like I would my bf. I’m not going to take hours out of every night to talk to him on the phone when I have other people wanting me to go somewhere. I’m not going to flirt with him and constantly compliment him the way that I did when we were together… Because then it wouldn’t be something special for my bf’s, it’d just be another thing that I do.

There are just some things that bf’s get that freinds don’t get with me. And he’s expecting to get those bf benifits while just being my friend. And I’m sorry if this sounds harsh or rude, but he’s just not going to get those benifits tell he/we make a decision to get back together.

He’s also right in that for once, I’m finally the one whos always busy. While we were dating, I never had friends that I went out with, besides Justin, who I wouldn’t consider a friend mostly just a drinking buddy, and someone who constantly tried to rape me. But anyways, it’s true, I am always busy now and he’s never busy. Which is kinda funny because now he’s acting the way that I did whenever I called him and he was busy. Which is he’s being a bit possesive and gets mad when I tell him I can’t talk, or when I have to cut a convo short because I’m getting ready to leave.

I feel bad for always having to go, and not talking to him as much as he wants. But again, it’s the whole friend/bf thing. bf’s get a lot more time and priority then friends do. And when it comes to talking to friends on the phone, that’s the lowest of the proirities. Though, I do have to give myself credit and say that if he asks me to make time for him in advance I usually try and accomodate that. So I think I’m being nice my doing that.

I do miss him, I miss him tons… But…. I’m not going to be constantly saying it. I hold it back, it’s the way that I am, I don’t let things like this out. And honestly I keep myself busy so that I don’t realize I miss him as much as I do.

He’s not going to loose me, tell he tells me what’s going to happen in our relationship. I’m holding out for him to get here and for us to try and work things out….

Though on the same note, I do feel like I kinda wanna date other people here for a while. The point of this breakup was for him to know if _I’m_ the right one for him…. But how do I know for sure he’s the right one for me? I guess I don’t really and I’d like to explore, I’ve always said it’s one of the things that I feel cheated on in my whole college career.

My heart though is still with him…. As much as sometimes I like to pretend it’s not, it is.

Ok, one more quote… he said that we both have to work hard for this to work out….

Honestly, I feel we both have to work, but work hard? Should we really have to work hard to make something work. If we have to work hard, then maybe it really isn’t meant to be? If it is something that’s meant to be, we should be able to just talk and work and go out together and hopefully everything will happen how it’s supposed to. I guess, I dunno.

I just wish that he wouldn’t think that I don’t care.

I just wish that I’m not hurting JonJon.

I just wish that things were completly different.

I just wish that…. Everything would be better.

Laters all

Edit 1:

TGIF!!!

Edit 2:

NOTE to self: Error in OYA logic…

Not Published + 0=Private, then ‘none’ shows. — Error, should show, with link all users.

Not Published + 1=Private, then post shows. — Correct, shows with link, when login.

Edit 3:

It’s beacuse Private is being set to ”. Need to find where ‘Private’ is set on edit… Ahh! All of them are set to ” unless it is being set to 1. Thus problems will happen a lot when things are changed around. Fuck this. Need to run ‘UPDATE b2posts SET Private=0 WHERE Private = ”’ < ~~ Hopefully that won't fuck with things? Edit 4: Good, that made everything happy… Now I need to find where it’s being set on INSERT/UPDATE so that Private is ALWAYS either 0 or 1….Or should I just change the code to accept Private to be set to ”? I must think about this.
Edit 5:

“This has been a relationship-oriented few weeks for you but you cannot separate who you are from where you live and the feelings you have when you are inside your own home. As much as you try to stay away from being over-sensitive, too much emotion now can actually push you over some kind of threshold. As you leave the logical realm behind you, you have a chance to become a part of the symbolic tapestry that continues to weave your life.”

Well it seems that it’s fixed now. I just set the OYA function to accept Private as being == ”

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