Wow, so this last night didn’t go at all as planned.

When I was getting off the plane, I was so nervous to see Chris. I was physically shaking and sweating and getting so excited to see him. I just wnated to drop everything and throw my arms around him and hug him so tight. I practically ran to get to him quicker. And I was met with seeming indifference. He smiled, he hugged me… but it didn’t seem like he was really excited that I was there.

The rest of the night was pretty awkward, I didn’t know what to say. That and fucking Jon kept txting him. Now I know Chris can’t stop it, but could Jon just give us one second alone? I mean honestly, I was so upset everytime the stupid phone rang. And when he came home this morning, it was the same thing. Give it a rest, just for a day or two! Please! Chris and I can’t work on our relationship with someone who won’t stop trying to talk to him all day long. It just really upset/frustrated me.

So then we finally went out and talked. And boy, did that go in the complete wrong direction. I guess since I broke up with him and he was always telling me how upset he’d be if that happened, etc. I just assumed that he’d want to get back together. In fact, I already had it in my head that we WERE back together. I had it in my head that tonight we’d kiss and cuddle and when he came home in the morning, we’d eat breakfast and then cuddle some more while he slept and then just go our merry way as the happy couple we used to be. And well that didn’t happen at all. Suddenly he’s saying that HE needs more time, HE just wants to be friends. I literally felt like my world was crashing down all around me. Here I was, crying hysterically, the only thing I wanted was Chris and I couldn’t have him. I can’t remember the last time I felt like so much shit. And then to make it worse he would rub my back and hug me. Just reinforcing to me how I can’t have that.

He said he wants to take it slow. And I guess I’m having a hard time understanding. At first I wanted to take it slow too, but he wants to take a million steps backward. Start back out as friends? How can two people who openly say they love each other and have already had a 14 month relationship just be friends again? How? I don’t know if I can do it. I wanted to find some sort of compromise, but he seemed to be against that. So basically we’re in a holding pattern. i have to try not to be upset when I’m around him and just wait for him to decide whether he wants to be with me or not. And I’m very scared that I’m gonna wait for however long and then he’s gonna say ‘yeah I decided I don’t want you.’ Well ok then. It’s like if you want me, just say so , and if you don’t, just say so. It hurts so bad, I just spent the whole night crying…

I can’t kiss him, I can’t hug him, I can’t do any of the things I want to do with him. It hardcore sucks. I honestly don’t even know what to do with myself. I kept telilng him last night I love him so much, and it hurts to not be able to hold his hand or kiss him or be cute like we were. it hurts so much.

Why can’t he just love me the way he used to? Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I think about all I could potentially lose by breaking up with him? Why do i do these stupid things? God, I miss him so much. He’s sleeping right now and I wish I could just crawl in there and cuddle with him.. but I can’t. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to. WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?

I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt so much love for a person, and I’ve never felt so hurt by that same person. He says he loves me too but then he doesn’t want to be with me. How can that be? If we both love each other, why aren’t we together?

I think Ty’s coming out of the shower so I should wrap this up.

Basic gist:

Life right now could not suck any worse. The one thing I would give my life to have, I can’t have. And at the same time, I’m being told that he’s still in love with me. I can only hope that I’m strong enough to make it through this, and that he decides soon what he wants. I am going to try my hardest to be strong and look happy and smile and talk to him as best I can. Anything to speed this up and get us back to good. I have so many things planned for us. So many things I want to do.

Here’s hoping we get to do them.. and soon.

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