Hmm, it’s been a while, eh?

Well not much has really been going on. I’ve been busy as per usual but nothing to interesting. Last weekend I hung out with Kris a lot and took him rock climbing. It was freezing out there! We did some other random stuff as well.

This weekend was pretty fun. Friday night Kris had a little party as his house for some of his friends. We had a good time. I cooked him dinner which was delicious! I got a little grumpy towards the end of the day which really carried over to Saturday and that sucked.

Got up fairly early on Saturday and took the car in for an oil change. Turns out it’s already time for new brakes and tires (I did put 20,000 miles on my car in the last year!) Ugh that’s gonna cost an arm and a leg!

Kris and I headed to downtown for the Prop 8 rally which was a LOT of fun, but also made me very very very angry that we have to be out here doing this shit. Who are these idiots who voted for Prop 8! I want to just beat them all to shit. And what sucks even more is that I have _GAY_ friends who voted for Prop 8. Idiots! My guess is they are into S&M in bed or something. Why would they do that to each other. The speakers there were GREAT, the Mayor of LA was there as well as Lorrie Jean from the Gay and Lesbian Center in LA! I love her! Although I thought that there was WAY to much talking and not enough rallying. It also sucked a little because all the fires around LA really knocked this story down off the front page! I read once place that there were 40,000 people downtown. I’m not sure I agree with that figure, but it was a HUGE rally!

Headed home after that and took a nap and then hung out at my apartment. I was feeling pretty down after that, sad and a little depressed. Was missing Grandpa, feeling fat, hating my apartment, pissed at the Russian, and lots of other things. Just kinda re-hashing my year! Jason invited me over, so I took a bottle of wine and we sat at the kitchen table and drank and talked about it all. I actually cried infront of him. :'( Kris also said he would call me that night but he never did.

Went home after that and went to bed. Climbing was canceled on Sunday so I slept in a little bit then headed up to Rubio canyon to meet up with this guy Trevor. We went Canyoneering which was AWESOME! Rappelling down 6 waterfalls was so cool! Got done with that in quick time and headed home.

Laid around on the couch for a while. Kris and I were supposed to watch the Sunday night line up on Fox, but he canceled at the last minute which was a bit annoying. So I ended up just watching it all alone.

This Friday I got invited to the Climbing holiday party! Very exciting, makes me feel more part of the group! I’m really looking forward to eating at the Stinking Rose as well! I’ve heard such great things about it.

I’m also really looking forward to the Thanksgiving day backpacking trip! I can’t wait for that to get here. I really do hope though that it’s not TOO cold/snowy. A little cold is fine!

Not much else going on!

Kayaking and iPhones!

This past weekend was very very busy. Friday I went out with Jason at lunch and we made the trek over to the Apple store. The line was insanely long, so we didn’t stay. That night after work I drove by again and it was STILL crazy long. I figured after the first iPhone launch things wouldn’t be near as crazy! Apparently I was wrong because they have been a million times crazier! I got home from work late, went to the gym and then crashed for the night at home.

Saturday I got up early and met up with Kris, we went back to the apple store and waited in line for an hour, then they pushed us all outside and we realized how freaking far back we were, so we just left. Stopped at Ocean Diner and had brunch with Sirin and then we went Kayaking! That was tons of fun! That evening Sirin and I met up with Jess and Tal and had dinner in Pasadena and then I had a date with a Russian to the Cal Phil. That was very very funny. We kept bitching at the woman in front of us who was a total bitch! The concert was great. We drank two bottles of wine!

Got home and no one had called back yet regarding climbing, I dunno what’s up with that. Sunday I got up and went again to the apple store and the line was STILL crazy long, so I went to the office, got some work done, came home washed car, purged tons of shit from my apartment. Found MORE shit that’s Const’s. It’s amazing for as short of time we were together how much SHIT he had at my apartment! I mean we already took a CAR load when we first broke up, now I’m finding all these random little things of his. Ugh! I dunno how I’m going to get it back to him.

That night Kris and I went to Jason’s and we watched Fargo which was a very interesting movie. I also watched Into the wild at some point this weekend. I really liked that one. You should all check it out!

Monday I worked and it was VERY busy. Got a ton of shit done that day. That night I went to Lowes and Costco with Jason, we had a great time then he came over and we sat on the beach, drank some wine, vacuumed my apartment with his Dyson and then watched Man in the Moon which was also very good movie. I was sad when the hot boy died! 🙁

Today has been another crazy day at work and I’m taking a quick break. Had my personal trainer again this morning and that felt good to start the day off like that. I got a blackberry today as well. But it sucks because it’s a 7100i, which is HUGE. We use them here because they are the only ones with the Push-To-Talk which we do with people in Peru and Brazil and what not all the time. Very annoying. I think I will just forward all my calls to that number to the iPhone ONCE I FUCKING GET IT!

It’s very annoying that that thing has been out for 5 days and there are STILL 2-3 hour LINES! REDIC! I cannot belive anyone would wait in lines for that long for a a fucking phone!

This weekend I am supposed to go camping. Cast comes off on Thursday! We shall seeee!

New Chapter Begins!

A new Chatper begins today. A new job, an ex forgotten, a new life.

This past weeekned has been amazing for me. I spent it in Houston with some really great people. It was amazing how welcome the guys and gals that I met there were.

I rolled into town late on Wed evening. The flight there was fine, i had the front row of the plane and tons of leg room. Really hot guy next to me and he slept the whole flight. I watched two movies which i can’t recall now.

Checked into the hotel which was also good. Headed out from there to meet up with David. We went downtown to some wine bar. it was very cute and met up with his friends Hillary and Jessica. Hung out there and had a few glasses of wine and chatted it up. After a while there we headed out to Hillary’s house for dinner and then out to a gay bar for Karaoke. They sang, I did not. It wasn’t very busy, but we had a really fun time. Headed back to the hotel after that.

Thursday I got up and was supposed to meet this guy to go to NASA, but he over slept so I just went alone. I had a really fun time. It was cool to see the old mission control and what not. But i wish that you could have seen more of the behind the scenes stuff. I guess there was a more detailed tour, but there’s only 13 spots on it every day. Of course they were sold out. After that I sent to the San Jacinto Monument, which was alright. Headed back to Houston after that and met up with the guy and we had dinner before he had to work. After that I headed over to Hillary and Jessica’s place and we went to this HUGE Wal-Mart of liquor! Amazing!!! From there we met up with David and did something? What did we dooooo!? I can’t recall! 🙁

Friday I got up and headed out to Brazos Bend state park and had a great time. I didn’t get to hike around as much as I would have liked to, but that’s because I have a cast on! I think that’s a good excuse. I hung out there for a while, then headed back to the Hotel, showered and then went over to meet up with Emily, Jim, and a few other people who’s names are escaping me. We went to this HUGE festival thing downtown and had a really fun time listening to bands and what now. Went back to Jim’s place and watched the fireworks which was nice. After that I headed over to Hillary and Jessica’s where David, Josh and a few others were at. We all drank way to much, sang, played rock band, talked and had a WONDERFUL time! I didn’t leave there till 4:30 and then went over to this other guys house and we cuddled and slept. It was nice!

Got up at 8:30 on Saturday and met up with David and we did all the art stuff in Houston. That was nice. We went to this one Russian Exhibit in which he had painted these HUGE canvases BLACK and then covered the interior of a church with them. Geeee, what’s that represent?! haha. We broke for a few hours and I went back and napped. Met up with him and Josh again for dinner and then went out to a few bars that night. Again a very very fun night! Got home around 2:30 and crashed.

Today I got up at 9 and packed then went out to brunch with David and Josh again then we just went around the city doing random stuff till 3 when I headed to the airport. I got on an earlier flight so that was nice and just got back to LA.

This weekend had really helped me to get over Const. I’ve realized how much of an asshole he really is and meeting this GREAT GREAT AMAZING group of people in Houston was so perfect timing. I really want to write more about how I feel about this, but I am to tired right now.

I’m also very very scared about starting the new job tomorrow!

Ok. I had a lot more I wanted to write, but I am tired. Perhaps I will come back and update with more details!


PS. Hillary Woest
Jessica Frinsco

I love you.. But I’m not IN love with you…

Oh those wonderful words… I’d rather hear. “I hate your guts and never want to see you again.”

But instead, I heard those words. Along with. “I just need to grow myself”. “I really care about you, but I’m not in love with you”. “The spark is just missing”. And lots of other stuff.

Over the last 3 days, Constantine and I have spent nearly 4 hours on the phone. Discussing, arguing and crying over what’s going on in our relationship. I spent my whole day Monday at work bawling my eyes out. I hope that no one noticed. I was devastated that day because I was sure that he was going to end things with me that evening.

It all started on Sunday when I brought up the “I love you” thing. I’ve said it to him for a little over a month now, but he hardly ever said it back. The first time I wrote it to him in Russian and he said. “Thanks”. So I brought it up. He says he loves me, but he’s not in love with me. He says that he misses me, but doesn’t want me to come spend time there. He says he cares about me, but isn’t excited about his trip back next week. He’s only indifferent.

He says he used to love me, that he used to care about me and miss me. But it went away. Because we never expressed it. We never said I love you up till a month ago. On our 6 month anniversary. I listened to a friend who said, “Don’t say it to early. You’ll scare him away”. So I waited until I couldn’t keep it in any more. And now I’ve potentially lost my boyfriend. This amazing person, the only person I’ve cared for so much since Andrew.

Since he’s left, I’ve spent so much time thinking about him. Wanting him to be back, wanting to hold him and kiss him again. Wanting to be able to talk to him for hours and to just look into his eyes as we lay in bed. I’ve spent so many nights not being able to sleep because I miss having him next to me. Over the last 6 months, I’ve found that emotional side of me again. The caring and loving Chris that’s been hidden since the days of Andrew. I’ve found that better side of me. The one that wants to treat his boyfriend so caringly and so lovingly that he’ll never want to let me go. And I tried to do that as much as I could. But instead I lost him because I was to afraid of losing him to tell him that I loved him. I did everything I could to show him, but I guess that wasn’t enough.

He doesn’t mind not talking every day, he doesn’t mind if I txt him something sweet and he doesn’t respond, because he’s not in love with me.

When I love someone, the only thing I want to do is sit and talk to him. I could do nothing but sit around all day and talk and go and see things and hang out and hold his hand and cuddle with him and kiss him oh so softly on the lips. I wish that we didn’t have to work so that I could spend every second of every day with him.

I hate not being the last one to say good night to him, I hate not being the first to say good morning. I hate not knowing what he’s up to and missing all the things he does every day. Small things matter so much to me. I’m crazy like that. “What’d you have for dinner”. “What time did you get home”. “When did you get to bed”. “Did anything make you happy/mad at the office today”. These are all questions that I love asking and love knowing about. It may seem small, stupid things, but I love knowing them, I love finding them out. Instead he just sees hem as controlling.

So we’ve spent the last two days going back and forth. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” … “I don’t want to lose you, but you deserve better then this”. “I’m so devoid of emotions and I think you need more then that.”

He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t know if he wants to continue. We talked about the emotions things and I suggested he get a therapist while he was there to try and work through it. I hope that he does.

In the end, after all the crying and yelling was done. We decided to wait till he comes back next week. See how things go and then decide what’s going to happen.

One part of me wants to just start distancing myself emotionally now. But another part is screaming at me saying. “You have to make this the best weekend of his life. You can’t let him get away.” I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of crying over him, but I care about him so much. He’s been an amazing boyfriend, few emotions and all.

I think the whole issue is just because he’s in a new place. I am a little controlling, and we’re at that critical time in our relationship where the spark is in fact fading and we must work harder to keep the fire burning while he is so far away….. I hope that things turn out for the better. I have to be honest that over the last few days thoughts of suicide have started to come back. Why must I be so fucking dramatic? I am going to go see a therapist on my own to work through those issues and the few remaining issues I have with the breakup from Andrew regarding long distance and trust. So I hope that I can become a better boyfriend for Constantine and I hope that Constantine will go and see someone so that he can become a better boyfriend as well.

Below is a letter I wrote to him after our last big discussion….

Hey Babe.

I am really glad we talked again last night and were able to start working things out and start our spark back a little. I spent some time to do a little research and thinking again… I think that the following resources will really help us both and I will be trying to take the advice to make our relationship better. I’ve started this process by making a list of things in myself that I and you don’t like. A few of them I’ve already started to work on. Such as not bottling things up, others are new that we’ve talked about or brought up over the last few days. I also started a list of things that I’d like to see us work on together or little things that I think can help us in the long run.

A few things that I need to accept in myself:

1) Calm down – I need to give you space to enjoy your time there. I will make a resolution to not freak out when you go out and to stop the questions that you feel have a negative undertone.
2) Give you space – I feel that the following quote is best suited for this:
“Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to “find themselves”, but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.”
3) I want to talk more about what we want out of life in the long run.
4) Go out more myself and take this time to find and make better friends so that you don’t feel like I am dependent on you.
5) Not to bottle things up. If something is bothering me, bring it up immediately.

A few things that I want us to work on together:

1) Sharing our feelings
2) Talk at least once a day.
3) Drinking tea together whenever we talk at night
4) Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the other person.
5) Take time to reminisce with each other about good things in the past.
6) Talk more about our history, our childhood, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, our short and long term goals, etc.

I’d like for you to take a minute to think about what you can change that will make us a better couple. I’d also like for you to think of anything I’ve missed that either I can work on or that we can both work on.

Lastly, I know we talked about your emotions last night, and I think that you are genuine in wanting to change that some. I love the Constantine you are, few emotions and all. But it seemed like you were concerned about that in yourself and wanted to change. I took a couple minutes today to call a few places there, since I’ve been through so many therapists doors, I’m pretty good at picking them any more. I talked to one who’s just a few miles from your apartment, she doesn’t prescribe miracle pills and has a philosophy of active listening and self-development. She’s been very active in the gay community and said she regularly holds gay couples counseling sessions. Her name is Nancy White and you can call her at 713-961-5243. It’s completely up to you babe if you want to call or not. I love you for you. :-*

“If you rest upon the ground,
In the warmth,
I’ll become the grass.
And embrace you.”


PS. Sorry I’m so wordy lately!!! I hope this one doesn’t print out to 10 pages! haha.

It’s HOT!

It’s F’ing HOT out today! I just got back from a 12.5 mile bike ride around the backbay.

Anyways, it was bloody HOT! I was sweating like crazy and my muscles are starting to scream at me and say…”STOP WORKING OUT!” lol. I’ve been biking like crazy lately and working out, I did my first personal trainer session which wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but I was a bit tired after. I am excited for the next one. But my muscles haven’t had a day off in nearly two weeks! I was thinking of doing a 45 mile very hilly ride this weekend. But I am not sure if my legs can take the punishment. Perhaps I will try anyways.

This morning I came in and was very bored at the office, but then I got a really fun project. Sadly that only took me 30 minutes to do. 🙁

I got my taxes back. I should be getting nearly $2,000 back! Yay! $500 of it is already spent on two trips to Houston, and I am hoping that I can arrange something with Const so that the rest of it can go towards a ticket to Russia for a week in August. ::hint hint::

Speaking of hints, he’s not very good at catching onto them! haha.

I talked to the CEO the other day. I have been denied any further Oracle training. I’m pretty pissed about this. When he spoke to me about it in December, he said they would be spending nearly $20k on me for training. Which means the full education courses, we’re talking months of training, etc. Well I sent him an email to see if I could try and arrange the next course so that I could be in Houston. Well he tells me that he thinks that now that I’ve been through the first two main classes (which only cost them $6k) that’s enough. UGH! Very annoying. This was one of the reasons I put my MBA on hold because I thought that I would be going through this training for the rest of the year! Now I have nothing to do… OH well, just gives me more time to prepare for my GMAT test when i do take it!

I got to have lunch with Nick and Dustin this week as well. That was very nice, I haven’t seen them in so long. I miss having them around, and I wish there were still a place in OC that we could go clubing toooooo!

This weekend I am supposed to go rock climbing with Const’s sister and one of their friends. I am a bit nervous about hanging out with them without Const being there. You all know my odd issue with bf’s hanging out with the bf’s friends (do you understand that?). Anyways. It should be fun, they are going to be going up to the Poppy Preserve in a few weeks so I want to go on that.

Sorry for the rambling, I’m just bored! Adios!