Oh those wonderful words… I’d rather hear. “I hate your guts and never want to see you again.”
But instead, I heard those words. Along with. “I just need to grow myself”. “I really care about you, but I’m not in love with you”. “The spark is just missing”. And lots of other stuff.
Over the last 3 days, Constantine and I have spent nearly 4 hours on the phone. Discussing, arguing and crying over what’s going on in our relationship. I spent my whole day Monday at work bawling my eyes out. I hope that no one noticed. I was devastated that day because I was sure that he was going to end things with me that evening.
It all started on Sunday when I brought up the “I love you” thing. I’ve said it to him for a little over a month now, but he hardly ever said it back. The first time I wrote it to him in Russian and he said. “Thanks”. So I brought it up. He says he loves me, but he’s not in love with me. He says that he misses me, but doesn’t want me to come spend time there. He says he cares about me, but isn’t excited about his trip back next week. He’s only indifferent.
He says he used to love me, that he used to care about me and miss me. But it went away. Because we never expressed it. We never said I love you up till a month ago. On our 6 month anniversary. I listened to a friend who said, “Don’t say it to early. You’ll scare him away”. So I waited until I couldn’t keep it in any more. And now I’ve potentially lost my boyfriend. This amazing person, the only person I’ve cared for so much since Andrew.
Since he’s left, I’ve spent so much time thinking about him. Wanting him to be back, wanting to hold him and kiss him again. Wanting to be able to talk to him for hours and to just look into his eyes as we lay in bed. I’ve spent so many nights not being able to sleep because I miss having him next to me. Over the last 6 months, I’ve found that emotional side of me again. The caring and loving Chris that’s been hidden since the days of Andrew. I’ve found that better side of me. The one that wants to treat his boyfriend so caringly and so lovingly that he’ll never want to let me go. And I tried to do that as much as I could. But instead I lost him because I was to afraid of losing him to tell him that I loved him. I did everything I could to show him, but I guess that wasn’t enough.
He doesn’t mind not talking every day, he doesn’t mind if I txt him something sweet and he doesn’t respond, because he’s not in love with me.
When I love someone, the only thing I want to do is sit and talk to him. I could do nothing but sit around all day and talk and go and see things and hang out and hold his hand and cuddle with him and kiss him oh so softly on the lips. I wish that we didn’t have to work so that I could spend every second of every day with him.
I hate not being the last one to say good night to him, I hate not being the first to say good morning. I hate not knowing what he’s up to and missing all the things he does every day. Small things matter so much to me. I’m crazy like that. “What’d you have for dinner”. “What time did you get home”. “When did you get to bed”. “Did anything make you happy/mad at the office today”. These are all questions that I love asking and love knowing about. It may seem small, stupid things, but I love knowing them, I love finding them out. Instead he just sees hem as controlling.
So we’ve spent the last two days going back and forth. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” … “I don’t want to lose you, but you deserve better then this”. “I’m so devoid of emotions and I think you need more then that.”
He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t know if he wants to continue. We talked about the emotions things and I suggested he get a therapist while he was there to try and work through it. I hope that he does.
In the end, after all the crying and yelling was done. We decided to wait till he comes back next week. See how things go and then decide what’s going to happen.
One part of me wants to just start distancing myself emotionally now. But another part is screaming at me saying. “You have to make this the best weekend of his life. You can’t let him get away.” I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of crying over him, but I care about him so much. He’s been an amazing boyfriend, few emotions and all.
I think the whole issue is just because he’s in a new place. I am a little controlling, and we’re at that critical time in our relationship where the spark is in fact fading and we must work harder to keep the fire burning while he is so far away….. I hope that things turn out for the better. I have to be honest that over the last few days thoughts of suicide have started to come back. Why must I be so fucking dramatic? I am going to go see a therapist on my own to work through those issues and the few remaining issues I have with the breakup from Andrew regarding long distance and trust. So I hope that I can become a better boyfriend for Constantine and I hope that Constantine will go and see someone so that he can become a better boyfriend as well.
Below is a letter I wrote to him after our last big discussion….
I am really glad we talked again last night and were able to start working things out and start our spark back a little. I spent some time to do a little research and thinking again… I think that the following resources will really help us both and I will be trying to take the advice to make our relationship better. I’ve started this process by making a list of things in myself that I and you don’t like. A few of them I’ve already started to work on. Such as not bottling things up, others are new that we’ve talked about or brought up over the last few days. I also started a list of things that I’d like to see us work on together or little things that I think can help us in the long run.
A few things that I need to accept in myself:
1) Calm down – I need to give you space to enjoy your time there. I will make a resolution to not freak out when you go out and to stop the questions that you feel have a negative undertone.
2) Give you space – I feel that the following quote is best suited for this:
“Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to “find themselves”, but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.”
3) I want to talk more about what we want out of life in the long run.
4) Go out more myself and take this time to find and make better friends so that you don’t feel like I am dependent on you.
5) Not to bottle things up. If something is bothering me, bring it up immediately.
A few things that I want us to work on together:
1) Sharing our feelings
2) Talk at least once a day.
3) Drinking tea together whenever we talk at night
4) Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the other person.
5) Take time to reminisce with each other about good things in the past.
6) Talk more about our history, our childhood, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, our short and long term goals, etc.
I’d like for you to take a minute to think about what you can change that will make us a better couple. I’d also like for you to think of anything I’ve missed that either I can work on or that we can both work on.
Lastly, I know we talked about your emotions last night, and I think that you are genuine in wanting to change that some. I love the Constantine you are, few emotions and all. But it seemed like you were concerned about that in yourself and wanted to change. I took a couple minutes today to call a few places there, since I’ve been through so many therapists doors, I’m pretty good at picking them any more. I talked to one who’s just a few miles from your apartment, she doesn’t prescribe miracle pills and has a philosophy of active listening and self-development. She’s been very active in the gay community and said she regularly holds gay couples counseling sessions. Her name is Nancy White and you can call her at 713-961-5243. It’s completely up to you babe if you want to call or not. I love you for you. :-*
“If you rest upon the ground,
In the warmth,
I’ll become the grass.
And embrace you.”
PS. Sorry I’m so wordy lately!!! I hope this one doesn’t print out to 10 pages! haha.