Sept 25, 2001

Sept 25, [The Doors, "The End"]

So 12 hours after I left my dorm room this morning, I’m just returning.

Grrr. I hate Tuesday’s cause they are such a long day, but today, today

would have been a FUCKING PERFECT day had I not had to work all day.

Things I LOVE about Fall: The cool, perfect sweater wearing weather, the

perfect sleeping temp, the changing leaves, the crunch of the leaves on

the ground as you walk, the smell of firewood in the fireplace, the perfect

sunsets and sunrises, there’s just so much that I love about this time of


Today Adam and I had a really long talk. He’s not doing too well. I’m here

for him and he knows that, so we’re talking about everything. I hope he

gets better soon. I don’t like seeing him like this.

Work was work today. I sat around for most of the day cause I was encoding

stuff on all my machines that I use, All four of them. It took all day to

encode all the shit that I had to get done, once I get the ports in the

firewall opened I’ll show you what I’ve been doing. I saw funny movies of

Omar, Sarah Luke, Lindsey, and a bunch of other NP’s today. I laughed at

them, and so did Barb. I see how people that sit in offices all day get

fat. It’s really easy to just sit there and munch on things and no realize

it. I’m going to have to stop taking lunch to work.

I took my roll of B&W film in today. They said it’s going to take 7

days to get it back, bastards. I wanted it done in the normal 2 day service.

I don’t understand why it takes so much longer. Neither did the techy that

was working.

I guess that’s all for today. I’ve got a big test tomorrow that I don’t

want to study for, and I’ve got the alliance meeting, and I’ve got the Career

Fair that I have to go to for a damn class. Grrrrr.

I can’t wait tell Oct. 😉

Aug 22, 2001

Aug 22, [Train, "it’s About You"]

I’ve got a job, well that is if I take it. I went into Krell today and

she was like, "Well you have the job, but lets talk." Ok so she

didn’t say exactly that, but that’s close to what she said, so we talked

for a bit about what I’ve done before and what programming I know and other

general stuff, it’s going to be cool working there. Then she went and showed

me my office and I talked to Barb for a bit. It was cool. I’ll be making

$10 an hour to start and 10 hours a week. Then they increase / decrease

your pay and hours based on how good your grades are. I should do pretty

well with that. I have to call them back sometime and tell them that I’ll

take it. I didn’t take it right on the spot cause I haven’t told my parents

that I applied there yet.

I also stopped into NP today and populated the school with HRC stickers,

you know the little "=" ones, I gave one to Mrs. C, Mr. C, Mr.

C, Mr. Fjelland, Mr. Reece, I gave the secretarys one and Paula took a couple.

I also gave a bunch to Ramsey and Neil to hand out to people. Mr. C is also

going to put up a poster about the GRLC for me. Good times there.

Well that’s about all that’s happened here today, I’m going to go over

and hang out with Adam now. Laters all.

Aug 21, 2001

Aug 21, [Savage Garden, "The Lover After Me"]

Ok well today’s been really cool. I went into NP again this morning and

worked on some stuff, it was good times there. Lots of fun. I got Ramsey

(Who’s really cute by the way) to post my name and shit on the Alumni Page.

(I was going to put a link to the page and a link to a pic of Ramsey, but

it appears that Kahoutek is dead.) He

also put a link to this page, hehe. It’s cool. I left there about 2 and

went to Angie’s house. We hung out there for a little bit then left for

the GLRC. It was fun times there, we watched "What Makes A Family."

It’s a really good movie, but it’s really sad. I cried.

We left there and went back to Ankeny cause we were going to go to Java

Joes with Angie’s neighbor, but she couldn’t so Mandy, Angie and I went

to Village Inn and had supper. After that we went down to Java Joes and

hung out there. Matt and Josh from RENT (Both really fucking hot) were playing

there tonight, so we hung out tell 10 when they started. They’re really

good. I found out tonight that RENT tickets for when they’re in Ames in

Oct. are on sale now, so we’ll all have to get some here soon, cause I realy

fucking want to see it.

Adam had to leave there a bit before 11 and I had some stuff to give him,

so we walked back to his car, and I gave him the tins that my Curve came

in, I also gave him a little travel thing of it, cause I knew he wanted

it. We hugged there and I so didn’t want to let him go. For me it feels

like I’m going half way across the country. I know it’s only to Ames, less

then an hour away, but I know that once I get up there, I won’t be able

to come back that often, or to hang out with him everyday. And that’s going

to be really sad. I so don’t want to leave. I really don’t. I got a kiss

from him tonight, which surprised me, but I was happy. I got teary. Sometimes

I wish that we could give a relationship another shot, but I know it probably

wouldn’t work. I’d like to try it, but it’s best that we don’t. And I also

don’t think he’s ready for a relationship. Angie said today that she thought

he needed to get a GF or BF to get his mind off things, and I personally

don’t think he’s ready. Not just cause I still want him, but because I really

don’t think he’s ready. Whatever. We’re really close friends now, and right

now I’m enjoying that more then anything. I love being his friend. And I

love him dearly as a friend.

Julian‘s website works again. I

was bored last night and wanted to see if he had posted anything new so

I got on there and fixed it for him. Cause well I wanted something to read.

That blue background isn’t the most interesting thing to look at.

I have an interview tomorrow in Ames at Krell

I found out today that Omar (Ramsey’s brother, who’s also really cute) has

his own office there. I think that’d be bloody fucking cool. I hope I get

the job there, I could do it.

Aug 16, 2001 #2

Aug 16, #2 [Bob Seger, "Tryin’ To Live My Life Without You"]

<~Song that fits the mood.

Am I the only one bugged by "straight-acting"?

I guess so! Reading the Chicago gay press recently, I discovered dozens

of gay contact advertisers require this quality. Online it is even worse.

Rooms like "straight dudes m4m" are on AOL every day. Straightness

seems a highly desired trait among gay men these days.

I wonder what these guys think straight-acting is. In my experience, straight-acting

boys beat me up in school and had distressing tendency to do girls. Either

they were actually straight, or closet. [Closets always say more anti-gay

things than straight boys say, since real straights don’t stress over being


I have a confession. I’m not "straight-acting," and I don’t want

anyone who claims to be straight-acting. This is not because I’m fem-I’m

not [although would it matter if I was?]. I’m sure I could pass as straight

in the Post Office or down at the local sawdust-floor-pool-hall, or when

fixing my car dressed only in ripped overalls. Question is, why would I

want to be straight-acting? Do I want people thinking I’m straight?

What for?

Of course, history of gay life has been the history of trying to pass.

And it’s been a short history too-10 years ago, it would have been unthinkable

to come out at school, or discuss gay marriage or gays in the military.

And it’s trendy to say, "yeah I’m gay but you should still respect

me because I’m no different from you-I’m straight-acting."

But there’s a problem. See, we don’t want them to like us for being straight-acting.

We want them to like us because we’re gay, and because being gay

is a great way to be, just like any other way. As long as straight-acting

is the only "normal," then we’ll never feel good about ourselves.

Freedom means really being able to act how we want. They go around

kissing their girlfriends in the street-why shouldn’t we be able to do the

same thing? And yes-this is "gay acting." And yes, I think we

ought to do it. It’s an expression of love just like theirs, and that’s

what life is for.

When we go around dopily chanting straight-acting, we glorify the exact

people who oppress us, while rejecting the people who support us, who fight

for us.

As for the question of straight-acting versus "nelly-acting,"

I also don’t see why we shouldn’t be "nelly-acting." There’s a

lot of good things about being nelly-acting as opposed to straight-acting.

Straight-acting means being hard, not showing emotion, not ever crying,

not buying flowers, always being dominant in sex [who would want to do that?]

and generally acting like the Marlboro Man. Personally, if that’s what straight-acting

is, I would rather have someone nelly-acting. Many of the sexiest guys are

androgynous; straight people have been busy creating the "new man"

who is sensitive and has a lot of traits traditionally attributed as sex-neutral;

meanwhile, we’ve been busy glorifying Mr. Hard, who is straight-acting,

rides a bronco, and of course is never gay.

Well personally I am neither straight-acting or nelly-acting. I am me-acting,

and I don’t care who thinks so. Because in all this rush for straight-acting,

we are busy copying straight guys, and they are such a screwed-up group

I suspect they’d be happier if they copied us instead.

Plus, as everyone knows, straight-acting guys are so repressed that they

can’t get it up.

-Christian Mars

Aug 14, 2001 #2

Aug 14, #2 [Foreigner, "Until The End Of Time"]

Usually when I find a story to post here, it’s cause I was just reading

along, and found something that just popped out at me as a relevant story.

Tonight however, I was sitting here trying to think of something to do since

I was blown off. I was sitting here and I had this feeling, this feeling

that I would find a story to post here tonight. So I grabbed a stack of

old magazines and just started reading them. That was about 2 hours ago

now. And I’ve found a story, just as this song was starting, I found this


Future Boy:

After a long day at my summer internship I’m usually wiped out, so after

I log off AOL, I shut off all the lights in my bed room, close the door,

put in a CD, turn it up, and just lay back on the floor. No stress, no worries,

just me and the music…. However I just can’t stop thinking about tomorrow….

More or less, the future.

Sure I have the dreams, the plans, and the ambition…. But there is the

uncertainty that scares the hell out of me. I have two years yet until I

graduate from college, and the thought of spending the next 30 years in

an office, homogenizing my life to the common suburban worker appeals to

me about as much as making out with a girl! I don’t know where I’m going

to find a job, what kind of job, or who I will be with. You can have your

Keep Grand Cherokee, your carbon-copy home, your living room with furniture

you never use. Keep it. I just can’t stop thinking how worthless life is

if you’re just another hamster on a treadmill.

I don’t want to become another victim of society. I want to remain individual.

Being a gay youth has been a big factor in my life; it’s something unique

about me, something that sets me apart. Keep in mind here, I’m not ripping

on straight people. However, they seem to be the greatest victims. Now stop,

just stop for one second…. THINK! You are spending your life to achieve

what? This is where most people fall short of an answer. They work 40 hours

a week or more all their lives and amass material possessions to impress

people they don’t know all of which are worthless when they are dead. Who

were they? Nobody.

I live by a standard philosophy that I can do anything I want. Meaning,

achieve any goal by working hard enough. I feel that if I don’t make a difference

in people’s lives, then I’m not living to my potential, I’m wasting my time.

How I am supposed to do this, I’m not clear on. I know that it takes several

little steps to make a major leap, and a goal is always important because

you are not going anywhere unless you have a destination to reach.

Then, of course, my mind takes itself directly to guys. And I immediately

begin thinking that I will never find Mr. Right. This is, unlike many things,

something I have no control over, and I hate it. You see, he’s 100% of my

future. Everything I want to be, everything I want to do, I want him to

be a part of. Many compromises and decisions will have to be made by both

of us. Do we move to where he has a job, or to where I get one? Do I drop

everything for him? I hear of friends saying, "I’ve given up on guys,"

or "I’m not looking anymore," or "I don’t have the time….

I’m to busy right now to think of a boyfriend." Well, I think that’s

BS. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not give up. When opportunity knocks,

I want to be there to invite him in.

I don’t think it will just happen. I don’t think one day while I’m kicking

back, the guy of my dreams will walk up to me, tap me on the shoulder, and

introduce himself. [Although that would be a cool wish] I’m not going to

give up on him, because he wouldn’t give up on me. We stand together on

the same earth, under the same sun, yet we’ve never met. I’m afraid of growing

old, but most afraid of growing old alone. I’ve met a lot of really great

guys, and they have become my best friends, but alas, I’m single. I figure

I’ll know when it’s right, I hope. I can’t wait forever in a chat room,

or clubs, searching him out.

Some of my friends tell me I’m too picky, that I have this perfected image

of a guy that I will never meet. But in my heart I still believe he is out

there. I dream of the Him, the dog, our condo, and our children. I dream

of vacations, of happiness, and security. Will I wait a month, a year, 10

years? I don’t know. I’m afraid to miss him, to let him slip by and I won’t

– because he is my future.