My Life

Aug 14, 2001 #2

Aug 14, #2 [Foreigner, "Until The End Of Time"]

Usually when I find a story to post here, it’s cause I was just reading

along, and found something that just popped out at me as a relevant story.

Tonight however, I was sitting here trying to think of something to do since

I was blown off. I was sitting here and I had this feeling, this feeling

that I would find a story to post here tonight. So I grabbed a stack of

old magazines and just started reading them. That was about 2 hours ago

now. And I’ve found a story, just as this song was starting, I found this


Future Boy:

After a long day at my summer internship I’m usually wiped out, so after

I log off AOL, I shut off all the lights in my bed room, close the door,

put in a CD, turn it up, and just lay back on the floor. No stress, no worries,

just me and the music…. However I just can’t stop thinking about tomorrow….

More or less, the future.

Sure I have the dreams, the plans, and the ambition…. But there is the

uncertainty that scares the hell out of me. I have two years yet until I

graduate from college, and the thought of spending the next 30 years in

an office, homogenizing my life to the common suburban worker appeals to

me about as much as making out with a girl! I don’t know where I’m going

to find a job, what kind of job, or who I will be with. You can have your

Keep Grand Cherokee, your carbon-copy home, your living room with furniture

you never use. Keep it. I just can’t stop thinking how worthless life is

if you’re just another hamster on a treadmill.

I don’t want to become another victim of society. I want to remain individual.

Being a gay youth has been a big factor in my life; it’s something unique

about me, something that sets me apart. Keep in mind here, I’m not ripping

on straight people. However, they seem to be the greatest victims. Now stop,

just stop for one second…. THINK! You are spending your life to achieve

what? This is where most people fall short of an answer. They work 40 hours

a week or more all their lives and amass material possessions to impress

people they don’t know all of which are worthless when they are dead. Who

were they? Nobody.

I live by a standard philosophy that I can do anything I want. Meaning,

achieve any goal by working hard enough. I feel that if I don’t make a difference

in people’s lives, then I’m not living to my potential, I’m wasting my time.

How I am supposed to do this, I’m not clear on. I know that it takes several

little steps to make a major leap, and a goal is always important because

you are not going anywhere unless you have a destination to reach.

Then, of course, my mind takes itself directly to guys. And I immediately

begin thinking that I will never find Mr. Right. This is, unlike many things,

something I have no control over, and I hate it. You see, he’s 100% of my

future. Everything I want to be, everything I want to do, I want him to

be a part of. Many compromises and decisions will have to be made by both

of us. Do we move to where he has a job, or to where I get one? Do I drop

everything for him? I hear of friends saying, "I’ve given up on guys,"

or "I’m not looking anymore," or "I don’t have the time….

I’m to busy right now to think of a boyfriend." Well, I think that’s

BS. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not give up. When opportunity knocks,

I want to be there to invite him in.

I don’t think it will just happen. I don’t think one day while I’m kicking

back, the guy of my dreams will walk up to me, tap me on the shoulder, and

introduce himself. [Although that would be a cool wish] I’m not going to

give up on him, because he wouldn’t give up on me. We stand together on

the same earth, under the same sun, yet we’ve never met. I’m afraid of growing

old, but most afraid of growing old alone. I’ve met a lot of really great

guys, and they have become my best friends, but alas, I’m single. I figure

I’ll know when it’s right, I hope. I can’t wait forever in a chat room,

or clubs, searching him out.

Some of my friends tell me I’m too picky, that I have this perfected image

of a guy that I will never meet. But in my heart I still believe he is out

there. I dream of the Him, the dog, our condo, and our children. I dream

of vacations, of happiness, and security. Will I wait a month, a year, 10

years? I don’t know. I’m afraid to miss him, to let him slip by and I won’t

– because he is my future.

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