Aug 14, #2 [Foreigner, "Until The End Of Time"]
Usually when I find a story to post here, it’s cause I was just reading
along, and found something that just popped out at me as a relevant story.
Tonight however, I was sitting here trying to think of something to do since
I was blown off. I was sitting here and I had this feeling, this feeling
that I would find a story to post here tonight. So I grabbed a stack of
old magazines and just started reading them. That was about 2 hours ago
now. And I’ve found a story, just as this song was starting, I found this
After a long day at my summer internship I’m usually wiped out, so after
I log off AOL, I shut off all the lights in my bed room, close the door,
put in a CD, turn it up, and just lay back on the floor. No stress, no worries,
just me and the music…. However I just can’t stop thinking about tomorrow….
More or less, the future.
Sure I have the dreams, the plans, and the ambition…. But there is the
uncertainty that scares the hell out of me. I have two years yet until I
graduate from college, and the thought of spending the next 30 years in
an office, homogenizing my life to the common suburban worker appeals to
me about as much as making out with a girl! I don’t know where I’m going
to find a job, what kind of job, or who I will be with. You can have your
Keep Grand Cherokee, your carbon-copy home, your living room with furniture
you never use. Keep it. I just can’t stop thinking how worthless life is
if you’re just another hamster on a treadmill.
I don’t want to become another victim of society. I want to remain individual.
Being a gay youth has been a big factor in my life; it’s something unique
about me, something that sets me apart. Keep in mind here, I’m not ripping
on straight people. However, they seem to be the greatest victims. Now stop,
just stop for one second…. THINK! You are spending your life to achieve
what? This is where most people fall short of an answer. They work 40 hours
a week or more all their lives and amass material possessions to impress
people they don’t know all of which are worthless when they are dead. Who
were they? Nobody.
I live by a standard philosophy that I can do anything I want. Meaning,
achieve any goal by working hard enough. I feel that if I don’t make a difference
in people’s lives, then I’m not living to my potential, I’m wasting my time.
How I am supposed to do this, I’m not clear on. I know that it takes several
little steps to make a major leap, and a goal is always important because
you are not going anywhere unless you have a destination to reach.
Then, of course, my mind takes itself directly to guys. And I immediately
begin thinking that I will never find Mr. Right. This is, unlike many things,
something I have no control over, and I hate it. You see, he’s 100% of my
future. Everything I want to be, everything I want to do, I want him to
be a part of. Many compromises and decisions will have to be made by both
of us. Do we move to where he has a job, or to where I get one? Do I drop
everything for him? I hear of friends saying, "I’ve given up on guys,"
or "I’m not looking anymore," or "I don’t have the time….
I’m to busy right now to think of a boyfriend." Well, I think that’s
BS. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not give up. When opportunity knocks,
I want to be there to invite him in.
I don’t think it will just happen. I don’t think one day while I’m kicking
back, the guy of my dreams will walk up to me, tap me on the shoulder, and
introduce himself. [Although that would be a cool wish] I’m not going to
give up on him, because he wouldn’t give up on me. We stand together on
the same earth, under the same sun, yet we’ve never met. I’m afraid of growing
old, but most afraid of growing old alone. I’ve met a lot of really great
guys, and they have become my best friends, but alas, I’m single. I figure
I’ll know when it’s right, I hope. I can’t wait forever in a chat room,
or clubs, searching him out.
Some of my friends tell me I’m too picky, that I have this perfected image
of a guy that I will never meet. But in my heart I still believe he is out
there. I dream of the Him, the dog, our condo, and our children. I dream
of vacations, of happiness, and security. Will I wait a month, a year, 10
years? I don’t know. I’m afraid to miss him, to let him slip by and I won’t
– because he is my future.