July 2, 2001 #2

july 2, #2 [dropkick murphys, "amazing grace"] ok well we’ll see

how this goes and how well i keep my concentration. yesterday was pretty good.

i went into work about 9:45 so i oculd fill out the papers and such, but she

didn’t have any copies. so i just went to work. i tried clocking in and it

said "this employee has been terminated" and it wouldn’t let me

clock in. damn thing, so i just wrote down my hours. they better have it fixed

by today. i worked, it was work. i was with mandy, brad and sylena most of

the day. they were ok. mandy was getting to me though cause i would keep trying

to explain something to her about how it’s supposed to be done based on what

the home office says, and she just wouldn’t even listen to me, she’d get all

bitchy, and it’s like, yes mandy i realize that different managers do things

differently. but even though you’ve been here longer in the short run of things,

i’ve been here longer in the long run of things. and i know how the store

is supposed to be run, and what is supposed to be done. so yeah, we just stayed

out of each other hair for most of the day. then at 2 sylena and brad left,

so it was just me and mandy. nic and cat were supposed to be in at 3 and mandy

and i were supposed to be off at 5, but cat didn’t show up and nic had just

crossed his hours off and not told anyone and hand’t found anyone to work

for him, so mandy and i were stuck working a 13 and 11 hours shifts, repectivly.

that was not fun. about 9 adam and julian came and got me from work and we

went out. that was fun. i wasn’t in the best of moods last night, but i had

fun. i enjoy being out with people, even when i’m not in a good mood. but

yeah. i dunno. it’s just people have been getting to me lately. like when

i see some cute guy, i’ll say "oh hello" or something like that

and i’ll point him out or something. but ya know that’s as far as it goes.

it’s like hello, cute guy, bubye cute guy, it’s not like i remember them and

obsess over them or anything. but people have been really big jerks about

it lately. like they make comments that all i want is sex and that’s so not

true. what i want now is a bf. i don’t want anything else. sex is millions

of miles down the road. i want someone that’s there that i can talk to, someone

that i can hold thier hand when i go out, someone that i can bring home and

say "hey mom, dad, this is my bf, deal" lol, but really. it’s starting

to get to me how they do that, the whole thing when i point out guys. and

then there’s the whole thing about adam too. i mean i like adam, he’s cute,

he’s funny, he’s what i would want in a bf. but right now we’re just friends.

we hang out. and people have been blowing it way out of porportion. like the

other night when justin was here. i kept wanting to go to the loop, and everyone was like, yeah so you can see adam, and it’s like NO damnit. i want to go

to the loop cause i enjoy hanging out down there, i might not know many people,

but in case you hadn’t noticed, i like to just hang there and watch people.

i don’t get in the conversation i watch it. i watch it develop, i watch where

it’s going, i just watch it and i watch the people. how they act, etc. if

i feel that i have something that will benifit the conversation i’ll interject

it. most of the time i do have something though and i just keep it to myself,

but yeah. i mean. grr. i like adam, i really do like him. but he’s just a

friend and that’s all it’ll be. and people need to realize that.

June 12, 2001

june 12, [billy joel, "the river of dreams"] well it’s 8:15 am

and i’m just getting back from breakfast, i have about 20 minutes tell i have

to head to my area so i thought i would write some since i didn’t get a chance

to yesterday. tuesday was a bitch. plain and simple. it rained all morning

and all afternoon, and i mean rained hard. we had to cook in the rain, but

we couldn’t get the fires started and the kitchen wouldn’t let us in the dining

hall to eat cause they didn’t have the food to feed us. so we cooked in QM

on propane and pete ate my ass off for that. but hey, the customers come first

that’s what he always says. so yep. and then we worked our asses off at the

eveing program didn’t even get supper cause we were busy with that. when we

got done with that pete called everyone and said "all staff to the office

NOW" we got there and he told us to go change into work clothes, the

CO2 fire extingusher went off in the building and covered EVERYTHING with

this thick yellow dust. it was nasty and we had to clean the entire place,

we didn’t get done with that tell about 10:30 then i went and took a shower

and went to bed. that was pretty much my day yesterday, hope today’s better.

laters all.

May 1, 2001

may 1, #6. ok so i don’t know where this update is going to go, were going

to start off in the past. not many people really know what happened one day

when i was 12. in fact besides the people that were in the house that night,

i don’t think anyone does. but now everyone will. well we’ll start back a

couple months. we had just got our first computer that was capabile of internet

access. my parents also got AOL, back in like the 1.0 days or something. but

that’s beside the point. well i had known for a while that i was “different”

i didn’t really know what it was, or what it meant. growing up in a such a

small town, and not having such a closed-minded family i never had anyone

that i could talk to, and i didn’t feel i could talk to any of my freinds

about it either. so i turned to the internet, the aol chat rooms, anyone i

could find. i got the SN KiNgWoRlD2. well i started going into these chat

rooms and talking to people, frst it just started out, you know the basic

questions, ‘what’s gay’ ‘how do you know’ that kind of stuff. nothing major,

some people i would talk to alot, like every day, i felt i could tell thm

stuff about me, i could talk to them. then after a while i got into some of

the other stuff. trading pics, it was harmless at first, i truely didn’t know

what they were talking about. but then once i got that first one i was hooked.

i went there all the time, asking and trading. i ended up with quite the collection.

but i hid it really well. my Pu’s aren’t exactly all that great when it comes

to computers so that wasn’t hard to do. i aslo started expirementing with

things. you know what i mean. well that went on for a while, and i felt i

knew who i was, i felt for the first time i knew where i belonged. then one

day, my parents got supiciose about something, i don’t really know what sparked

it that first time, but they went trough my room, i mean really went through

my room, they threw everything on my shelves on the floor, toppled over my

book selves, dumped the contents of my desk on the floor, looking for anything

and everything they could find. they ended up with a large pile of stuff actually,

ranging from books, one called “Changing Bodies, Changing Lives” which was

really a good book. but they also took my drums sticks for my drums, god i

don’t know what all they took, but some of it was real stuff. stuff that i

needed. they took it and plopped it down in front of me. i don’t remember

what i told them it was. i think i might have said that i was just experimenting,

which i was. but they didn’t beleive me, a yelling match followed that. they

hit me a few times, nothing much, for my “talking back” assholes. we were

having lasagna for supper that night, i remember that. i love lasagna. after

the incident from the room they decided they should look through my stuff

on the computer. they called aol. got my password, and back then they also

got a list of everywhere i had been, and every chat room i had been in. they

found alot of stuff that night. alot of bad stuff. i remember sitting in the

office that night. i remember sitting on that couch that now sits in my parents

bedroom, i remeber my mom sitting at the desk that’s still in teh office,

in the same spot it was back then. i remember my dad just paceing back and

forth and every time my mom found something new, he would go over and say

“how could you do this.” i just wanted to cry, and scream at them “DAMNIT,

I’M GAY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM” but i couldn’t. they just kept yelling at

me. and screaming louder and louder for every time i talked. after they yelled at me and asked why i had done this, they sent me to my room. i really don’t

remember the reason i gave them for why i did that. i don’t know. i just went

to my room. i heard them call the local cops, they came, i don’t know what

was said to them, but they were outside our house alot during the evening

hours for the next couple months. i went to bed that night, wanting to die.

hoping that i wouldn’t wake up the next moring. i just laid there crying.

i had no one to talk to, no one that knew, no one that i could tell. i woke

up the next moring to my parents yelling at me through the door, they told

me to hurry up and get ready, we were going somewhere. i asked them where

we were going, but they wouldn’t tell me. i got in the van, it was silent.

my parents in the front seat. me in the back seat. my brother had gone to

school that day. my mom had with her a large envelope, i wanted to know what

was in it. i wanted to know where we were going. i was afraid to ask or to

even talk. i thought they were getting rid of me. i didn’t know what was going

to happen. we drove to des moines, silent. we arrived at a large office building.

they still wouldn’t tell me where we were going. i went in, my parents talked

to the gaurds at the front desk, they let us throgh and we went to the elevators.

got in, and went up. that was the longest elevator ride i ever took. i was

so scared, “where were we going” “what were they doing” “what was going to

happen to me” questions just kept racing though my mind. i didn’t know. we

got out. ahead of us was a door that said, FBI; Des Moines, Iowa. they had

taken me to the FBI. now what was going to happen to me. why were we here.

the fbi, my god. i hadn’t done anything that bad. we went in, they told me

to sit down, and my parents walked up to the lady behind the bullet proof

glass. it was a dark room, the only things on the wall was the FBI symbol

thing and the 10 most wanted posters. after a bit some guy came out and got

us, we were taken back to a desk, and we sat down. some lady was there. my

parents handed over the packet of info. i wanted to know what was in there.

i was about in tears. i think she could see that and offered me a pop, it

was early, but i took it. after she looked through the packet she took my

parents off. i don’t know what happened there, or where they went, or anything,

but then she came back and got me, took me off to a small room, much like

thost interogation rooms you see on tv. she asked me all kinds of questions

and stuff. about who i had talked to, where i had been, all that kind of stuff.

then we left. we went back down that elevator, back out to that van. we got

in, by now it was lunch time. we headed towards west des moines again, but

i knew we weren’t going out for lunch, i didn’t know where we were going,

but i knew it couldn’t be a good place. we ended up at another office building,

it was a drab building, pretty boring. we went up to one of the doors, on

it it said, “Des Moines Pastorial Counceling” we went in. talked to the woman

at the desk and sat down. my parents had to fill out those normal forms and

everything. after they had filled those out, this old guy came to the door

and called my name, we followed him back to a small room, it was a cozy room

i guess you could say. it had a nice couch and some chairs in it. we all sat

down, and he explained to me what was going to happen, what we were doing

there. then my parents started telling him what happened, they talked for

a while, i just sat there wanting to cry and scream, i knew who i was, they

didn’t. i knew what i wanted. they didn’t, but they still pretended to know

what was right with me. we talked that first day, about our history, about

why i did what i did. i didn’t really know, i didn’t really want to talk about

it in front of my parents. we left there, only to return to that room once

a week for the next 4 years. after that day though we never talked about my

sexualaity. after that day my patents never talked about my sexuality. we

left that room, went back to the van, and drove home. it was still silent.

we got home, and i went to my room. i just laid there and cried. about supper

time i went down to see what was for supper. i hadn’t eaten since breakfast

the day before. i sat at the table, it was silent, we ate, it was silent.

i felt different, before this i thought i knew who i was, but now i didn’t

i was confused again. i was scared. i didn’t know what my future held for

me. after supper i quickly retreated back to my room, i started to clean up

my room from the night before. i heard my parents go to bed. after then i

opened my window climed out on the roof and walked up to the peak of the house.

then i walked over to the edge of the roof and stood there, looking down.

wondering “what would they do” “would they miss me” “would they care” i stood

there for a while. just looking, wondering. then i laid down on the roof,

looking at the stars. i fell asleep there that night. crying looking at the

stars. i woke up the next moring to my dad starting his truck, i quickly ducked

over to the other side of the roof so he couldn’t see me. after he left i

climbed back down and into my room. i finished cleaning it up that morning,

well mostly.

April 30, 2001

april 30, #3. so i was uninstalling a bunch of stuff off my computer today,

and Win2k has this thing that tells you if you’ve used the program, Frequently,

Rarley, or Occasionally. well it said that i used AIM rarely, which is incorrect

cause it’s up all the time that my computer is on, and it says i use MSN frequently

which is again wrong cause i use jabber, and it said that i used office frequently

which is wrong cause i _never_ use office i always use Abiword, and for abiword

it said i used it rarely, does anyone here see a pattern?

april 30, #4. i like this guys hair, i need to

get my hair cut, lol.

Nov 30, 2000

well it’s Nov 30, so far i’ve kept my promise on keeping this

updated, so far. well today has been pretty hectic, and stuff. lets start

with this morning. well i’ve been putting together some stuff for world AIDS

day, tomorrow, and i hadn’t been able to find anybody with lots of brochures,

but this morning the red cross here in town called me and said they got some

in so that made my life easier. and then i went to math, o god i hate math.

our professor is sooooooo fucking stupid. we are supose to be on section 5.5

for the final, well we now have 6 class periods left and we are still on 3.5

we are never going to make it. and he keeps babbling about shit that we don’t

need to know, it royally pisses me off. and i haven’t done an assingment in

that class for like every, since 2.5 or so, so i have 10 assingments to catch

up on. and then i have three speeches to give on the same day Dec 13, that’s

going to suck, but thank god two of them should be pretty easy to get done

we are in groups so i can pawn most of the work off on the other group members,

but one of them hasn’t ever been to a meeting and it’s just me and him in

the group, so i think i will end up doing all the work there. o well. and

then i have to write a speech on the discrimination policies of the BSA. it

should be pretty easy but the professor is such a bitch there. i gave a DAMN

good speech last time and he gave me a “C” he said it need to be

more extemporaneous, DAMN IT, that bitch, i worked fucking hard on that and

everyone i’ve talked to said that i should have gotten an “A” on

it. fuck him, i hate teahers. and i have a BUT load of other shit to do. i

don’t know when i’ll get it all done. the roomie is having like a bunch of

people over this weekend, so i probobly won’t be able to concentrate here.

his gf is so fucking annoying at times she talks so fucking loud. but she’s

nice to talk to. o well. i’ll get it done some time. umm lets see what else

has been happening. well i talked to danny again today, i remember why i loved

him so much. i asked him why he started talking to me again after so long.

he said, “its i felt that you needed to not talk to me for a while”

i think it’s all kinda fishy yet, but i love him. and he knows it. everytime

he leaves i’m kinda depressed now. but when i talk to him i get kinda nervous

now, i start shaking really bad, like i’m cold but i’m not. i want to meet

him in person, or at least see a pic, can you believe that i haven’t even

seen a pic of him yet. o well i love him. well i missed talking to kim last

night. don’t know what was up, but i really needed to talk to her. maybe that’s

why i haven’t been updating this, i tell her all my problems, then i don’t

feel like i need to get it out, so i don’t bother with this. o well, i love

her she’s so nice. maybe i should stop bitching at her abot all my problems.

huh. i have this website due tomorow, i think i got it all working, this is

the last thing for it. you know i really hate that class, i could have taught

it. i don’t see why they wouldn’t let me CLEP out of it. the fuckers. it’s

such a waste of time, and damn M$ isn’t back wards compatible so i have to

go use a lab computer, i hate lab computers they never work right, either

the mouse is sticky or the keys are broken or somthing. but o well i get my

work done, i used to use staroffice for it all, but it can’t do some of the

stuff that the book makes us do on these PPT things. huh, there was something

i wanted to bitch about when i started but now i forgot. o well. that’s all

for now, maybe if i remember i’ll update again.