May 1, 2001

may 1, #6. ok so i don’t know where this update is going to go, were going

to start off in the past. not many people really know what happened one day

when i was 12. in fact besides the people that were in the house that night,

i don’t think anyone does. but now everyone will. well we’ll start back a

couple months. we had just got our first computer that was capabile of internet

access. my parents also got AOL, back in like the 1.0 days or something. but

that’s beside the point. well i had known for a while that i was “different”

i didn’t really know what it was, or what it meant. growing up in a such a

small town, and not having such a closed-minded family i never had anyone

that i could talk to, and i didn’t feel i could talk to any of my freinds

about it either. so i turned to the internet, the aol chat rooms, anyone i

could find. i got the SN KiNgWoRlD2. well i started going into these chat

rooms and talking to people, frst it just started out, you know the basic

questions, ‘what’s gay’ ‘how do you know’ that kind of stuff. nothing major,

some people i would talk to alot, like every day, i felt i could tell thm

stuff about me, i could talk to them. then after a while i got into some of

the other stuff. trading pics, it was harmless at first, i truely didn’t know

what they were talking about. but then once i got that first one i was hooked.

i went there all the time, asking and trading. i ended up with quite the collection.

but i hid it really well. my Pu’s aren’t exactly all that great when it comes

to computers so that wasn’t hard to do. i aslo started expirementing with

things. you know what i mean. well that went on for a while, and i felt i

knew who i was, i felt for the first time i knew where i belonged. then one

day, my parents got supiciose about something, i don’t really know what sparked

it that first time, but they went trough my room, i mean really went through

my room, they threw everything on my shelves on the floor, toppled over my

book selves, dumped the contents of my desk on the floor, looking for anything

and everything they could find. they ended up with a large pile of stuff actually,

ranging from books, one called “Changing Bodies, Changing Lives” which was

really a good book. but they also took my drums sticks for my drums, god i

don’t know what all they took, but some of it was real stuff. stuff that i

needed. they took it and plopped it down in front of me. i don’t remember

what i told them it was. i think i might have said that i was just experimenting,

which i was. but they didn’t beleive me, a yelling match followed that. they

hit me a few times, nothing much, for my “talking back” assholes. we were

having lasagna for supper that night, i remember that. i love lasagna. after

the incident from the room they decided they should look through my stuff

on the computer. they called aol. got my password, and back then they also

got a list of everywhere i had been, and every chat room i had been in. they

found alot of stuff that night. alot of bad stuff. i remember sitting in the

office that night. i remember sitting on that couch that now sits in my parents

bedroom, i remeber my mom sitting at the desk that’s still in teh office,

in the same spot it was back then. i remember my dad just paceing back and

forth and every time my mom found something new, he would go over and say

“how could you do this.” i just wanted to cry, and scream at them “DAMNIT,

I’M GAY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM” but i couldn’t. they just kept yelling at

me. and screaming louder and louder for every time i talked. after they yelled at me and asked why i had done this, they sent me to my room. i really don’t

remember the reason i gave them for why i did that. i don’t know. i just went

to my room. i heard them call the local cops, they came, i don’t know what

was said to them, but they were outside our house alot during the evening

hours for the next couple months. i went to bed that night, wanting to die.

hoping that i wouldn’t wake up the next moring. i just laid there crying.

i had no one to talk to, no one that knew, no one that i could tell. i woke

up the next moring to my parents yelling at me through the door, they told

me to hurry up and get ready, we were going somewhere. i asked them where

we were going, but they wouldn’t tell me. i got in the van, it was silent.

my parents in the front seat. me in the back seat. my brother had gone to

school that day. my mom had with her a large envelope, i wanted to know what

was in it. i wanted to know where we were going. i was afraid to ask or to

even talk. i thought they were getting rid of me. i didn’t know what was going

to happen. we drove to des moines, silent. we arrived at a large office building.

they still wouldn’t tell me where we were going. i went in, my parents talked

to the gaurds at the front desk, they let us throgh and we went to the elevators.

got in, and went up. that was the longest elevator ride i ever took. i was

so scared, “where were we going” “what were they doing” “what was going to

happen to me” questions just kept racing though my mind. i didn’t know. we

got out. ahead of us was a door that said, FBI; Des Moines, Iowa. they had

taken me to the FBI. now what was going to happen to me. why were we here.

the fbi, my god. i hadn’t done anything that bad. we went in, they told me

to sit down, and my parents walked up to the lady behind the bullet proof

glass. it was a dark room, the only things on the wall was the FBI symbol

thing and the 10 most wanted posters. after a bit some guy came out and got

us, we were taken back to a desk, and we sat down. some lady was there. my

parents handed over the packet of info. i wanted to know what was in there.

i was about in tears. i think she could see that and offered me a pop, it

was early, but i took it. after she looked through the packet she took my

parents off. i don’t know what happened there, or where they went, or anything,

but then she came back and got me, took me off to a small room, much like

thost interogation rooms you see on tv. she asked me all kinds of questions

and stuff. about who i had talked to, where i had been, all that kind of stuff.

then we left. we went back down that elevator, back out to that van. we got

in, by now it was lunch time. we headed towards west des moines again, but

i knew we weren’t going out for lunch, i didn’t know where we were going,

but i knew it couldn’t be a good place. we ended up at another office building,

it was a drab building, pretty boring. we went up to one of the doors, on

it it said, “Des Moines Pastorial Counceling” we went in. talked to the woman

at the desk and sat down. my parents had to fill out those normal forms and

everything. after they had filled those out, this old guy came to the door

and called my name, we followed him back to a small room, it was a cozy room

i guess you could say. it had a nice couch and some chairs in it. we all sat

down, and he explained to me what was going to happen, what we were doing

there. then my parents started telling him what happened, they talked for

a while, i just sat there wanting to cry and scream, i knew who i was, they

didn’t. i knew what i wanted. they didn’t, but they still pretended to know

what was right with me. we talked that first day, about our history, about

why i did what i did. i didn’t really know, i didn’t really want to talk about

it in front of my parents. we left there, only to return to that room once

a week for the next 4 years. after that day though we never talked about my

sexualaity. after that day my patents never talked about my sexuality. we

left that room, went back to the van, and drove home. it was still silent.

we got home, and i went to my room. i just laid there and cried. about supper

time i went down to see what was for supper. i hadn’t eaten since breakfast

the day before. i sat at the table, it was silent, we ate, it was silent.

i felt different, before this i thought i knew who i was, but now i didn’t

i was confused again. i was scared. i didn’t know what my future held for

me. after supper i quickly retreated back to my room, i started to clean up

my room from the night before. i heard my parents go to bed. after then i

opened my window climed out on the roof and walked up to the peak of the house.

then i walked over to the edge of the roof and stood there, looking down.

wondering “what would they do” “would they miss me” “would they care” i stood

there for a while. just looking, wondering. then i laid down on the roof,

looking at the stars. i fell asleep there that night. crying looking at the

stars. i woke up the next moring to my dad starting his truck, i quickly ducked

over to the other side of the roof so he couldn’t see me. after he left i

climbed back down and into my room. i finished cleaning it up that morning,

well mostly.

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