He forgot again…

So, I called Charles on Monday. I told him we need to leave my house between 8:10 and 8:15am. He forgot, thought he means “leave his house” or something? I don’t understand how he can confuse the two. But whatever, we made it work.

He was chatty, but didn’t ask me anything about myself or what I had been up to. I asked him to stay and watch Project Runway, he said “No, I have chores to do”. It was good to see him, but also sucked because it brought back everything.

Chris: HE DOESN’T CARE. He can’t even remember to pick you up on time for the ONE THING.

I ended up sleeping literally the entire day and night away.

When he left, it was kind of heartbreaking. Astra jumped into his car and sat on his lap. Even she didn’t want him to leave. I went to go pull her out and she jumped into the passenger seat. She wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay. Why couldn’t he just stay.

Chris: You’re amazing. So many people have crushes on you, guys want you. You just need to be happy. You will find someone who FULLY loves you, who fully gives you what you need. You will find someone who you’re not questioning if they love you.

Work is going to suck. We got some really bad news last week.

Flirt with Me.

I just keep thinking back to last thanksgiving, when I caught him chatting with Alex. How flirty he was, how he asked him things about his life, how he asked him about his day, how he was always replying right away.

How he was treating Alex, that’s how I wanted to be treated. How he treated Sergio, that’s how I wanted to be treated. But he couldn’t do that for me. He says “Well Alex and I don’t fight”. So he’s holding all those arguments against me, every small fight we had, he would just hold it against me? Not rebound, not forgive, not move on from them. Every relationship has fights, every relationship has growing pains, but it’s always about how you resolve them, how you move on from them. I feel that because he never TALKED about those things with me, he never moved on. He never forgave.

I keep telling people, if only had had treated me the way he treats everyone else. I know he’s a good person, I know he’s kind and loving and caring. I know he has it in him. He just couldn’t do it for me.

This past week has been busy. I’m pretty socialized out but I also don’t want to just be sitting home alone. Went on a hike with Jay and James which was fun. Did Giants game yesterday and Castro street fair.

Met up with some people throughout the week from Tinder/Grindr. But they were all mostly annoying AF. One guy was WAY fatter than his pics and when we were hanging out he was just mumbling and not saying anything.

Hung out with Marky one night for a photoshoot. IT was a VERY frustrating night and he got to see the bitchy side of me. Ever since then he’s barely txted or called. Which I mean is for the better I suppose. Although, the good thing is that we got to play around for a bit and I got some HOT photos for my dating profiles

Mark (Canada) and I had a long talk a couple of the nights. His marriage is falling apart right now so it’s just been good for both of us to talk about things. He keeps saying though “In another world, you and I would be dating right now”. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind. He’s a super nice guy, very cute. But it also frustating how all these guys are like “You’re so amazing, I would love to date you” but then when it comes down to it, they don’t.

I wish David (LA Boy) didn’t have a bf. I wish we could go back 10 years and I could REALIZE how much he was into me back then. I wish we could have a chance at something. We’ve been talking, he’s trying to make it work with his bf so that he can come to Portland with me. (They are open, FYI). It would be fun to see him and hang out with him. But at the same time, I feel it will just make me even more infatuated with him.

I booked this portland trip in the height of Charles and I breaking up. It was my “I hope we’re back together and we can have a nice trip planned” mind set. Now I have to find someone else to go with or just go alone. I have tickets to JP Cooper up there which was one of Charles’ wish list bands to see.

I want to get a new tattoo. I’ve been thinking for years about a sleeve or something on my side. But I don’t want it to look like I”m getting it just for Charles.

Charles is driving me to my colonoscopy tomorrow. That will be weird. I need to call him today with instructions and I don’t want him to text me. I’m not sure how to tell him that without it being weird. I am also scared that I am going to say/do something stupid while on the drugs. I want to invite him to stay for a bit after to watch the finale of project runway. But I fear that 1) he’s going to say no and I’ll feel rejected or 2) he’ll say he already watched it (like he did with squid games that last time we broke up) and then I’ll feel rejected again anyway. So maybe just let him leave when he drops me off.

18 years and nothing has changed

It’s funny. 18 years ago today I posted an entry titled “How was your day“. And here it is, one of the biggest reasons Charles and I broke up. Maybe the problem IS me, maybe I do expect too much.

Looking back on that post, It seems that I used to expect it out of everyone, friends, etc. I don’t expect it out of most people nay more. But I do still expect it out of my “partner”.

Anyway, today I’m kinda missing him. I miss his smile, I miss holding him at night. I miss going to the gym together. I miss his sexy butt. I miss making him coffee. I miss making him dinner. I miss holding his hand. I miss going grocery shopping together. I miss the way he says “Christopher”. I miss cuddling on the couch and watching TV. I miss him coming home from work and being so happy to see astra. I miss a lot about him.

But I have to keep telling myself. I deserve better. There was still so much that was MISSING from our relationship. I have to remember those things too. I have to remember that he didn’t provide me with a lot of what I needed.

Had dinner with Thomas last night. That was fun to see him again and chat as friends. We haven’t hung out in long time. We talked about going to the bars together and dressing up in rubber or something. That’ll be fun to do sometime. The last time we did that was march 2020. Seriously the day before they announced all the shut downs.

I left my freezer open last night, everything thawed out and I had to toss it all.

One thing I’ve noticed since I moved out is that I’m much more social with people. I don’t know if it’s just cause I don’t want to be home or what. But I missed this social aspect of everything. I missed planning things weeks/months in advanced. I basically have every weekend between now and Christmas full of stuff. Charles told me once he liked that I planned everything for him. I loved planning shit for him. But then after I planned a few things, asked him to take them off and he failed. I gave up planing. We missed a lot of stuff because I didn’t want to plan and have those plans ruined cause he couldn’t (can’t remember/doesn’t care to) take time off. So I just stopped. But now, I can plan, I can do what I want, I can commit to doing those things with people.

I can go to the gym when I want. I can eat when and what I want (yay bell peppers and tomatoes again!). I can go to bed when I want and sleep all night cause he doesn’t come home at 11:30 and wake me up. I can get up in the morning and lie in bed and just get my day going without having to worry about waking him up. I can watch what I want and not have him sitting at the counter trying to be louder than me.

My colonoscopy is coming up soon. Charles is driving me. I have to start changing my diet as of today. No more fruits/veggies/fiber. Will be interesting to see how the drive goes.

A terrible Folsom

So, this folsom was terrible. I don’t really have the emotional ability right now to review all of it. But here’s the highlights:
1) Don died from an OD
2) Charles and I are no longer talking at all
3) Jason and I are no longer talking at all
4) Deb is in the hospital again

Yeah. That’s about all I can manage to write right now.

Why couldn’t we have made it work

Today is kinda a downer day, I am so unmotivated to do anything at all.

Last night I met this guy for dinner who’s interested in playing tennis. He was super gay, but it would be nice to have someone my level to play with. Since Charles always said I wasn’t good enough for him.

Tonight I am meeting up with this guy Peter. He is driving down from Sacramento to have a date. He looks cute in his pics, but I think he’s going to be a bit overweight.

Like I said, I just keep waiting for Charles to text me. “I miss you”; “Let’s hang out”; “I want you back”. But it’ll probably not happen this time. It’s already happened twice before, the chances of a third time are slim.

But I read these people’s posts on reddit. “my boyfriend of 11 years has been cheating on me”; “My husband gave me HIV”; “blah blah blah my boyfriend sucks” but they all want to work it out.

Charles and I were great, as much as I complained on here, he was a good boyfriend. He just needed to appreciate me more, he just needed to SHOW me that he loved me, communicate with me. These are small things in the grand scheme of shit. Why couldn’t WE have worked it out. Why couldn’t HE see what he is losing or missing in my and WANT to work it out.

I am a great boyfriend, I am loving, I am kind, I am exciting. I love to love. Why can’t he see that and just give it back to me. Why can’t he just say “I’m losing so much, let’s work to make this work”.