I just keep thinking back to last thanksgiving, when I caught him chatting with Alex. How flirty he was, how he asked him things about his life, how he asked him about his day, how he was always replying right away.
How he was treating Alex, that’s how I wanted to be treated. How he treated Sergio, that’s how I wanted to be treated. But he couldn’t do that for me. He says “Well Alex and I don’t fight”. So he’s holding all those arguments against me, every small fight we had, he would just hold it against me? Not rebound, not forgive, not move on from them. Every relationship has fights, every relationship has growing pains, but it’s always about how you resolve them, how you move on from them. I feel that because he never TALKED about those things with me, he never moved on. He never forgave.
I keep telling people, if only had had treated me the way he treats everyone else. I know he’s a good person, I know he’s kind and loving and caring. I know he has it in him. He just couldn’t do it for me.
This past week has been busy. I’m pretty socialized out but I also don’t want to just be sitting home alone. Went on a hike with Jay and James which was fun. Did Giants game yesterday and Castro street fair.
Met up with some people throughout the week from Tinder/Grindr. But they were all mostly annoying AF. One guy was WAY fatter than his pics and when we were hanging out he was just mumbling and not saying anything.
Hung out with Marky one night for a photoshoot. IT was a VERY frustrating night and he got to see the bitchy side of me. Ever since then he’s barely txted or called. Which I mean is for the better I suppose. Although, the good thing is that we got to play around for a bit and I got some HOT photos for my dating profiles
Mark (Canada) and I had a long talk a couple of the nights. His marriage is falling apart right now so it’s just been good for both of us to talk about things. He keeps saying though “In another world, you and I would be dating right now”. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind. He’s a super nice guy, very cute. But it also frustating how all these guys are like “You’re so amazing, I would love to date you” but then when it comes down to it, they don’t.
I wish David (LA Boy) didn’t have a bf. I wish we could go back 10 years and I could REALIZE how much he was into me back then. I wish we could have a chance at something. We’ve been talking, he’s trying to make it work with his bf so that he can come to Portland with me. (They are open, FYI). It would be fun to see him and hang out with him. But at the same time, I feel it will just make me even more infatuated with him.
I booked this portland trip in the height of Charles and I breaking up. It was my “I hope we’re back together and we can have a nice trip planned” mind set. Now I have to find someone else to go with or just go alone. I have tickets to JP Cooper up there which was one of Charles’ wish list bands to see.
I want to get a new tattoo. I’ve been thinking for years about a sleeve or something on my side. But I don’t want it to look like I”m getting it just for Charles.
Charles is driving me to my colonoscopy tomorrow. That will be weird. I need to call him today with instructions and I don’t want him to text me. I’m not sure how to tell him that without it being weird. I am also scared that I am going to say/do something stupid while on the drugs. I want to invite him to stay for a bit after to watch the finale of project runway. But I fear that 1) he’s going to say no and I’ll feel rejected or 2) he’ll say he already watched it (like he did with squid games that last time we broke up) and then I’ll feel rejected again anyway. So maybe just let him leave when he drops me off.