May 23, 2001

may 23, [quincy freak, "funky noise"] tonight was just awsome,

we i left here like 3 somethihng and went to xaks where we waited for mandy

and julian to show up, then we went and got angie, and then wanered round

ankeny. then we decided to go on a road trip, so yeah we tried going to sulfur

springs or something like that, but we never made it. it was totally cool

though. good times. we never made it to that place, but we went to carroll

and saw my grandma and went to wal mart, cute guys, hehe, but yeah, it was

soo cool. people are coming over for lunch today, i’m going to cook tacos.

yeah. it’s going to be good. i should be going cause i should like clean some,

cause yeah, my familys a bunch of pig. oh but before i go, yeah ya know i

talked about having feelings for someone in the group up there some where.

well since i know they know who they are, yeah. tonight it was just like,

cool. but it was just there, but he talked about it some, which made me kinda

sad. so yeah. i’m taken already any how, and all that shit. so ok i feel really

stupid now. i’m going to shut up.

May 21, 2001

may 21, #2 [foreigner, "hot blooded"] hmm, that songs kinda an

odd thing to come up just as i was starting this, lol. i just got done talking

to this really cool guy (hope he doesn’t

mind his pic being there, lol, if he does just talk to me, i’ll take it down.)

that’s from isu, to bad he’s in nm for the summer, but he’s pretty cool. ya

know it’s kinda weird how people just relaly open up to each other when they

talk on here. sometimes i talk to people about things that i would never talk

to them about in person. lol. i also sent my couisn a big old long e-mail

about what’s going on in my life, here it is, cause it’s just easier to copy

and paste then to summerize: ahhhhhhhh, i just want to

shoot my parents right now. i really do. they are driving me crazy, today

we got the phone bill from my dorm room. it was $85. my dad’s all pissed off

about it and he says that he told me not to talk so long when he got the $40

bill. but he never said anything about it. he’s now saying that i have to

pay this bill, which i think is unfair cause, 1) they never gave me any limits

to the phone bills, 2) they said they would pay the phone bills. i mean comon,

i DON’T have that kind of money, right now i have like 20 in my account, they

are being such assholes. they really are, ever since i got home all he’s done

is yell at me about shit, little fucking things too. i’m getting really sick

of it. i mean i worked my ass off durning high school, by the time i was andy’s

age i was working 30 hours a week, and how many hours is andy working? none.

how much does he get to go out? when ever he wants. it’s realy damn unfair.

i had to pay for like everything when i was in hs and they just give him what

ever he wants. and you know when they moved me out of my room and let him

in it, that just really pissed me off. i don’t care if i’m not home anymore,

it’s still _MY_ room. they lost alot of my stuff when they moved it too. plus

they’ve been yelling at me lately for going into andys room and taking my

stuff back, but how often do they yell at him for stealing it from me? NEVER.

one of these days i’m just going to fucking blow and start screaming at them.

damnit. i really am. or i might just call you from philly sometime. i’ve been

thinking about telling my mom about me. i mean i think that would take alot

of the tension out of here. i really do. but i mean, if they are going to

be such assholes about a damn phone bill what are they going to do if i tell

them it’s my bf that i’ve been calling? i can’t stand to live in this house

much longer. i really can’t. it’s just ripping me apart from the inside and

now getting ready to leave for work is just piling more shit on top of it.

and ya know they are just such damn pigs, it really annoys me. and my brother,

everything with him is just perfect. but with me. grr. like you know, if he

gets a damn D it’s “GOOD job andy” and shit like that, but we got my final

grades today from DSU, i got all B’s and do yohink they even said anything

to me about them, nope, not a damn word. not a goddamn fucking word. that

really pisses me off. and also like my b-day, what did they do for that? they

sent me a bunch of crap, it was all crap. they don’t give a fuck, they really

don’t. i’m surpriced they’re still paying for college, they haven’t found

a way to cut me out of that yet. another thing, i went and got contacts, they

cost about the same as a piar of glasses, cause they were on sale, but do

you think they’ll reimburse me for it? nope. cause they’re contacts, not glasses?what’s teh difference? i don’t really know. they bought andy new glasses,

my dad got new glasses, but i can’t get new contacts? hmm, it appears not.

so now i have to find a way to pay for those too. i hvae no money left, none

at all. they were supposed to have paid for a bunch of shit that i’m now having

to pay, so i’m left with nothing to spend. i’m sure they’ll find some way

for me to have to spend all my money i make at camp too, they’ll probobly

tell me that i have to pay for my apartment or something. i dunno. it’s really

pissing me off. damnit. ok i guess i’ve bitched enough, i’ll talk to you laters.

and here’s her respnce, again it’s easier to copy and paste then it

is to summerize:So it’s not a sunshiny day then? You can

call anytime-call collect if you need to-I have no life-I’m always home. You

can also come out here anytime-you don’t have to plan it out for weeks-just

call and say I’m on the way. I know that won’t be feasible 99% of the time

but if it ever is you’re always welcome. Are you coming back this weekend

for GG’s party? Hope so. It’s hard enough living with your parents but after

having 9 months away from them probably makes it even harder. When I came

back from boot camp my mom and I fought all the time. She still wanted to

treat me like I was in HS and I didn’t want anything to do with it. My mom

doesn’t even reach near the irritation factor your PU’s do though so I can

only imagine. I don’t know what it is with your parents and your brother but

it’s really bizarre-even grandma’s said stuff about it before and you know

how clueless she is! Why did they have to move your room-it’s not like your

room is obscenely bigger or different or anything. Andy just has to have everything-God

forbid he doesn’t get his way. The twisted thing is he’s the one who needs

to be yelled at-I mean come on have they looked at him lately-he acts like

he’s 8. Ok and about college-I have 3rd hand gossip that my mom heard from

grandma-so I’m repeating it but I don’t know how warped it’s gotten in the

process. My mom said grandma mentioned talking to your dad and him saying

you might have to pay for part of your college b/c they couldn’t afford it.

(again-this is second hand gossip) But if it’s true that’s just crap-I mean

come on-with as much money as your parents make if they haven’t been saving

for your education they’re just fucking stupid (your parents compel me to

use that word) Andy needs a reality check-I’ve never known anyone so materialistic

in my life, it’s insane. My mother would have killed me if I’d acted like

that. Your PU’s would have killed you for acting like that-yet he gets away

with it! GRRRR! I don’t want to sound like a pep talk here b/c those are just

damned annoying, but hang in there man. Soon you won’t have to be around them

night and day. (of course you get to spend the whole summer in the closet

so it’s a small consolation but go with it, cling to the hope) I know that

doesn’t get you through right now though. Your parents are probably sitting

around hoping maybe you just forgot about that little gay thing. That would

be like them, state of denial. Christopher can’t be gay-then our family won’t

be perfect. They missed the All-American family mark when Andy came out a

boy so that’s shot anyway. They are giant looooosers. If I didn’t have to

see them all the time I would have told them off years ago. I came really

close at Thanksgiving last year when I got that whole “bad influence” shit

again. It’s amazing especially seeing Andy) that two people that screwed up

ever produced som! eone as normal and sane as you. I thing you were switched

at the hospital and there baby went home with some one else. Nice fantasy

huh?! Don’t kill them between now and the next time we e. Try to have a little

fun! i have such a cool cousin, i wish the rest of the family was like

that. but ya know if my pu’s make me pay for college i’m going to be really

fucking pissed, like she said, with as much as they make if they haven’t been

saving for my college they’re just stupid. and plus it’s thier own damn fault

we didn’t get any financial aide. they didn’t fill out the forms and they

wouldn’t tell me what i needed to know to fill them out myself, so yeah fuck

them. bastards. i really can’t wait for camp toi start, but at the same time,

i don’t want to go.

April 10, 2001

april 10. today’s pretty shitty too. yeah, life sucks at the moment. i need

out of here. i should be studying for that test in government that’s over

300 pages in the book, but i really don’t want to. i’ve got a test in accounting

on tues, the day after we get back, the bastards. oh well it’s earlier then

normal so it shouldn’t inturupt to much. i went jogging last night and i think

i pulled something, i’m in so much fucking pain right now. my asthma was really

acting up last night to. i should get that looked into. i did once, a long

time ago, but i never took the meds, cause it didn’t bother me any, but now

it’s starting to get pretty bad. i didn’t even make a quarter mile before

i had to stop and rest. i dunno. i need to do alot of things, but i never

get them done. i talked to j

again last night. he’s pretty cool i guess. i think he’s pretty closed minded

then, he didn’t really want to classify himself though, so yeah. i dunno.

i was going to actually talk to him this morning, but i haven’t seen him all

day. i really want to talk to danny though. as julian

put is "much boy confusion." at the moment. crosswinds really needs

to get fixed soon this is pissing me off. i have so much to do right now.

i officially sent in my rejection of the job offer yesterday, it was really

hard for me to do it. my parents are just bieng such ass holes about it all

and stuff. it’s like. they were all supportive about my wanting to take the

offer and go work out there, but then i got that other offer there at mitigwa,

and they told my G&G about it, and my grandma is just nuts about her precious

little grandchildren leaving the state. and yeah, i think she’s behind most

of it, but i don’t know, as long as if i get into college out there, they

let me go, that’s what i really want. "Current Status: Your application

has been received and is being reviewed. Thank you for applying to Penn State."

yeah, it’s been received, they better get back to me damn soon though, or

i’m going to be pissed cause i have to get all that shit filled out and soon.

i also have to do the whole housing crap and yeah, man i got so much to do

right now. it’s tuesday.

Feb 26, 2001

over the last 6 months i have really learned alot about

myself, about the world, and about stuff that i have missed all these years

of my life. i have missed our on who i am. on what my life is. I’ve been here

for 6 monrhts, 6 months. i’ll he here for a total of 9 months. but i’ve already

been here for 6 months. and i’ve realized how much my life really sucks. i

only know 5 peopler here, but there names only 5, i’ve been ehre for 6 months

and i only know 5 people that i can actually go up to and say, hey you wanna

go hang out some time. only 5, i’ve been here 6 fucking months. I don’t know

why i’m like this. i want to meet people, i want to go out more, i want to

live my life. but i think that as long as i’m stuck in this closet, as long

as i’m stuck with these people. that i won’t be able to live my life the way

i want to. 6 months. on march 8 i’ll have known danny for 7 months. i’m pretty

sure that’s the day. yet i only know him as a voice a personality, and i love

both of those, i love his voice and his personality. but i don’t know what

he looks like. i don’t know what i truely feel for him, is it true love, or

is it just lust? i don’t know. i hope it’s triue love. I always say that it’s

what’s inside that counts. and i believe that. as much as i can. i try to

live by that. but we all know that that’s not always the way it works out.

I think about suicide alot. it’s not just recently either, for years i’ve

been thinking about suicide. and in a way i think i’m slowly killing myself.

by limiting what people know about me and the emotions that i show. when jo

died over a year ago now, i didn’t cry until the next day at school. it was

two days before my birthday that she died. two days. as i sti here tyrping

this i’m crying now. but then i didn’t cry until the next day at school. i

remember it. i was in the computer lab and one of the servers had crashed

so i was in the server room working on it. and i just sat there looking at

the screen. and Mrs. Houseman came in and closed the door allitte ways and

asked me what was wrong. and all i could do was cry. i juse sat there and

cried. it was two fucking days befor my b-day. we had gotten jo 9 years earlier,

on my b-day. when my greatgrandma died. i didn’t cry then either. that was

a long time ago. i was young and i don’t think i understood. during the summers

though i remember we would go to the nursiing home with my grandpa and just

hang around with her. we would spend the days there playing in her wheel chari,

my cousin and i racing each other up and down the hallways. god how i bet

she loved to see us there. but when she dies, i didn’t cry. why, i don’t know.

my life. what is the meaning of life. what was man put here on earth to do?

why are we here, why are we who we are? i don’t know, i don’t think anyone

knows. What makes the starts shine, what makes this computer work> what

makes us love, what makes us hate, what makes. what. What makes us live and

what makes us die. Why did matthew sheppard die, and why did i cry for him,

when i couldn’t even cry for my own great grandmother, or my lobing dohg of

9 years? why do i cry when movies have sad endings? i don’t know. Why do i

continue to support an orignization that, if they knew who i really was, they

would kick me out on the spot? an orginaization that i so love, and one that

is currently trying it’s hardest to get ME to come and work for it? why do

i love it so much, and why does it hate me so much>? All these why’s? and

not a single answer. why, why, why. When italk to danny, it makes me so happy.

i feel like there’s a part of me missing, a huge part, and when i talk to

him, that part is there. It’s makes me so happy to hear his voice. sometimes

when i’m on the phone withi him, i’m holding back all these tears, tears of

joy, that he is there. someone i can talk to, someone that i love. I don’t

really know him at all, i know his voice, i know some of his personality,

but i don’t really kow *him* do i? liek the songs goes, “on the telephone

line i can be anyone, any hieght, any age i wanna be” i so wish i could

meet him and see who he is, get to know him in person. i do love what i know

of him now. and think that if we were to meet in real like, i hope we would

get along. But oh, so do i want to meet him. I would do anything to get to

see him. “This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really

this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, Oh well

maybe tomorrow” — Melanie’s “QaF” Character Journal.

Feb 15, 2001

People are stupid. just so we’re all clear on that.

i think the drinking age should be lowered to 16. yeah, people today, they

are drinking anyhow, so why not make it legal. they would have more control

over it then, and people wouldn’t be out having keggers and the like. and

kids social liveswould be greatly imporved. now i know there’s MADD, which

in my opinion are just a bunch of mad mothers. and not mad in the sense of

mad, but mad in the sense of MAD. you know what i mean. yeah, ya know england

has a 16 drinking age, and you don’t see all the problems there that we have,

do you? i think we should be more like the UK. it would be cool. yeah, i think

abortion should be legal too, i don’t like it, but it’s the woman’s choice,

it’s her body, it’s her. she should be able to choose. the courts and the

government should just stay the fuck out of it. i also think the smoking age

should be lowered to 15. and gay adoption and marrige should be legal, and

i don’t think i have to explain myself there, 🙂 i’m using those smilies way

to much. i should stop. MSN is so cool cause you get to change your name thingy

when ever you want, hehe. it’s cool. i thnk the government should say the

fuck out of the internet too, they have no idea what they are doing, and they

are just regulating it way to much, there’s really nothing, one sertian country

can do, people will find a way around it. if they are going to regulate the

internet it should be one world regulating industry, but i definatially wouldn’t

go for that. nope. but yeah, so what if they are trading music, not like the

recording industry is REALLY losing all that much money. assholes. i also think that e-mail and the such should be treated with the same privacy of

snail mail, where as employers, school, government, etc, shouldn’t be able

to read it as they can now. ok back to the MADD bitches, so who’s always going

to win there, a kid wanting to have fun, or a mother with a dead kid? but

just look at the numbers, look at them, i’m not going to give them to you,

you go find them, but look at them, in england the deaths from drunk drivers

is soooooooo much lower then in the US and they have a much lower drinking

age, when they raised the drinking age 15 years ago, they just pushed all

those kids that were drinking socialy into hidhing where they drink just to

get drunk. maybe if i get time i’ll put up an article i have on the issue.

it’s a good one. i also think they should legalize some drugs. yeah, i mean

people do it, so why make them criminals, legalize it and tax it, MAKE money

instead of wasting billions of dollars on a losing battle. damnit. stupid

ass government they have lost touch with the people, and the way the real

world works. they don’t understand that makeing something illegal doesn’t

make the problem go away, it just increases the problem. now i’m not saying

they should legalize murders or anything, but little things like drinking

and smoking, and a few drugs. what can that hurt? really, i mean. fuckers.

why the hell do i even bother going to programming? he never teaches anything

that i don’t already know. it’s such a waste of time. yay for OOP, he’s making

it out to be this huge hard thng, when it’s really quite simple. ya know maybe

if they learned how to program before he taught the class. and yeah i liked

today, he spent most of the day telling us how it is in “real world”

programming, WTF does a person with a fucking history Ph.D. know about real

world programming? dumbass. there was something else i was going to bitch

about when i started. damnit. i can’t remember it now. oh, yeah i’ve been

looking trough all these colleges that i’ve allpied to, and it’s getting kinda scary. i mean, it’s like cali, that’s a damn long way away, i want to go there,

i want out of this state, but it’s just a scary thing, ya know. it’s expensive

too, i don’t want to put that much of a burden on my PU’s but ya know i kinda

look at it though as they have the time, i’ve given them the info, they said

they would take care of all the money, so if they don’t get going on all the

grants and loans and scholarships and shit then it’s their problem, they said

they would take care of it all. i’ve sent them more then enogh information

on everything, i’ve sent them cost info, places to get info on scholarships,

everything. so if they don’t tell me what to fill out or if they don’t get

it done, then it’s thier problem, not mine, i shouldn’t have to pay shit, when they said, “you can go anywhere, we’ll take care of the cost”

i mean i don’t have a problem with me paying for extra things like supplies,

and clothes and entertainment money. but they said they would pay for books,

and tuituon and housing tell i was 21. so back when they said that i said

fine, and quit my job, cause i have been working a partitme job since i was fucking10. and i took the last two summers off and worked at jobs that were

fun, and i spent time traveling. i still had a lot of money, enough to get

me through tell the next summer when i could work again, but now that they

are throwing this whole thing of saying i have to pay 60% of the cost, or

the difference from instate college to out of state college. that just fucks everything up. does it not? i want out of this state, they are trying to limit

where i can go by this, and i know it and they know it, it’s *really* not

money probelms, they have the money, everyone knows it. they just want to

limit where i can go. they want me to stay in iowa, or close by, and i’m sure

my grandma has a big hand in it, cause ya know they didn’t bring this up tell

after christmas, after they talked to her, after she found out i was looking

at san diego, i bet she has the biggest hand in it. ARG. i hate my family.

if i find someone to spend my life with, i know that they won’t be seeing

much of my family, and we won’t be making many holiday trips to iowa. nope,

were going to their family, or actually i would much rather just stay home

and spend the time with them. ya know i think i should get a different system

for these updates, the files are starting to get alittle big. but yeah, damnit

that’s another thing i’ve beenworking a fucking paying job since i was 10,

in the store first and then in 95 when it closed i went and started at kum

and go, and i usually worked 30-40 hours a week DURING the school year. fuck,

i’ve worked long enough. i want some time off, i don’t want to have to wrok

like that during college, i want to have fun, my HS life sucked ass. i want

to live during college, iwant to be somewhere where i can have fun. out of

this state, that’s for sure. so far i haven’t lived, i don’t ahve the money

to live, most of my money that i made over summer was spent when i traveld

in august. but this summer, no matter where i work, i should make enough money

to get me trough the next year, with plenty of money to spare. and also round here, you have to go all the way to sioux falls to have any fun, and that’s

an hour drive, plus there really isn’t much there to do, sure they have a

huge ass mall, but it’s a fucking boring mall. really it is, trust me. and

then there’s a few clubs, but they aren’t really all that great. ya know sometimes

i just wish i could say SCREW YOU. and leave. i really do. it’s sad really. time for class.