Jan 23, 2001

B-day’s suck, they really really do suck, you know that.

i really do hate b-days. for those that didn’t know yesterday was my b-day.

asshole people. i hate b-days, my grandma remembered, my aunt’s and cousing

remembered, well most of them. my parents, my dad remembered, he sent me a

package, my mom, nope, she forgot, my mom’s side of the family, nope they

all forgot to. assholes. i know i’m not any better, but yeah, i at least call

and say happy b-day and shit. no one called me, sent me anything, bastards,

i hate b-days, i just wish i had someone here to sit and lay my head on thier

chest and just cry. speaking o such a person, danny did remember, we talked

for a while last night. that was nice. well i’m still pissed about b-day’s

so i’m leaving now.

Dec 3, 2000

well it’s dec 3rd. it’s 11:00 am i’ve been up since 7 this morning but didn’t

get out of bed tell 10 or so. there are like two people sleeping on the floor,

so i was like well they’ll be getting up soon but they didn’t so i just got

up and walked around them, they’re stll sleeping, along with my roomie, and

i think his gf is here too. arg. i hate when they do this. it’s like damn

it it’s my fucking room to,. well enough about that. the last two days have

been pretty good. i got to talk to danny alot, he’s spending time away from

his friends as he put it. sounds like a good idea to me. lol. found out some

pretty cool stuff, i guess he lived in Puerto Rico fro like 7 years before

mocing here, that’s pretty cool, and he’s looking at colleges out there in

PA. that’s sad, cause if i end up in SDSU i won’t be able to see him at all.

there’ld be no way i could drive out there but yeah he’s really sweet, i want

a damn pic of him though damn it. well i got caught up on my algerbra, i think

i’ve got a test on wed at like 7 or so, i don’t want to take it, but it’ll

help my grade (it’s not a required test, hehe). so yeah, these jerks are all

here in my room, and i have a really loud clacky kjeyborad, i hope it wakes

them up hehe, cause i type really hard and with an annoying random style,

it’s sounds pretty coo.. hehe. but other then that i can’t this oof anything

that’s been going on round here. been pretty good these last two days or so.

well i’m going to go off to lunch now, hopefully these dorks will be awak

by the time i get back. damn them, the fuckers. i want to listen to the radio

and i can’t cause they are all sleeping. o well. time for food………well

i stayed in the cyber cafe from about 11:30 tell 3:00 i was watching the webcam

of the room to see when they finally got up. so when they left i came back.,

my roomie is really rude, i can’t beleive that he would just show up with people, ARG. damn it, i can’t wait to get the hell out of this damn place.

I WANT TO GO TO SDSU. now. hehe, o yeah i was talking to danny last night

and he said that he might be going to cali for school to, that would be cool

if we ened up in the same state. yeah. he’s got a pretty cool history too,

he lived in puerto rico for like 7 yeras, that pretty cool. i love him so much, he’s perfect. everything i am looking for, he’s sweet, smart, loves

kids. he’s so great. but the thing is that we are complete opposites. he’s

Mr popular, jock boy. and well you know me. we’ve been talking alot this weekend.

i mean alot. he’s so nice. ok enough of my babbling. WOW three updates in

one day i must be damn bored. well i just got this e-mail from my aunt, i

told her in a round about way about everything. i don’t know if i said anything

about it before, but after the whole t-day excitment she wrote a sympathitic

letter to me, and i was like, well i guess she knows, now she’s just waiting

for me to confirm, so i did in a round about way. and today i got anouther

e-mail from her. here i’ll just copy and paste it:

First things first. No problem answering the e-mail. Was

just gone from Friday Morning to Today. Did not even check e mail before we

left. So am not mad or been trying to figure out what to say, just wasn’t

home. Sorry if that caused any undo stress. Is that the correct term? Trial

by fire? Well, it certainly does explain a lot of things about your family

and their reaction to everything!!!!!!!!!! Would be nice to be able to come

out and say it without having to worry about what reaction everyone is going

to have. I guess in that respect, everyone in the family should be more like

me!!!!!!!! That’s not something that I thought would ever be said by anyone

in this family, especially me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s just hope that everyone

is enlightened enough that they know that they can’t “change” you. Grandma

wanted to do that to Beckie when she found out that she was going to be left

handed. She kept putting her silverware on the right and making her change

hands. You know, you thought about this a lot more than me, cause when Beckie told me about the earring, I never thought about the left ear. right ear thing.

I guess I thought that was soooooooooo olllllllllllllddddddddddddddddd it

didn’t matter anymore. So the entire speech still stands. Like what you are

doing with your life, must have been a HELL of a childhood and you have some

difficult times ahead of you. You are on the right path, you think clearly

and know your own mind, so when it all comes out, keep your chin up and your

heart sheilded. I’m sure that there will be some dumb things said and done,

but they will come from Love. Believe it or not (even Dr. Phil said this on

Oprah the other day) Pain comes from Love. When you love someone and they

hurt you, they lash out in pain and frustration. That will be Grandma lashing

out, when she says dumb things like Oh no! or Chris this means no grandchildren.

etc etc. Just a thought, so what do you think of boy scouts now????????? Still

Love Ya, still like the haircut. Still think you are a studly young man. What’s

not to love???????/ Call / write anytime. On your side, no matter what. LOVE

YA Sheila

so yeah, i don’t really know what to do about that. I’ll give it some time

to plod around, i’ll get to it latter tonight, i guess. maybe after i talk

to d and kim. ok well that’s the end of my story, i’m going to go and do something,

i guess, i don’t know what. WOW a fourth update today. well i just got done

talking to danny, i love him. well we were talking about Big city life compared

to small stiy life. i was really happy when i was talking to him but now,

i’m just really depressed. i feel like i missed so much in living in a small

town all my life, i never really had any real friends like he does. and it

just really depresses me about how people in the big city have so much more,

they have bigger school, with more diversity, and more oppertunities. I feel

like i was deprived of my life. i want to move to a big city, now that i’m

in college. I’m in an even smaller city, and even farther from everything,

i don’t really like the poelpe here. i don’t get along with them, but when

like danny and i talk we just click, i think. i want to move to the big city.

the BIG city. i even sounds like a country boy. fuck this shit. i want to

go, go now. you don’t know how badly i want to just get in the car and drive

out there to see him. i so want to so badly. I’m so depressed, i think i need

some drugs. I think i might have social anxiety disorder too, huh, i think

i’ve said that before, haven’t i. well this has been one long ass update for

tonight, i think i’m done now. maybe, maybe not.

Nov 29, 2000

Well it’s Nov 29, been more then a month since i last updated this

page. ALOT has happened since then. this is going to be one mother fucker

of an update. Well lets see, maybe i should read back to see what was happening

a month ago, then i’ll start, hold on……………………….huh, well

alot really has happened since then. well we’ll start with danny, a couple

days after i wrote that i was talking to him and then he suddenly left and

a name he had told was one of his freinds got on, well i didn’t think anything

about it, but this “friend” IMed me and picked up the convo where

danny and i had left off, so i was like, you bitch, you lied to me, only i

didn’t say that. well it turned out he did lie to me, which wasn’t anything

big, but it was his reasoning behind the liie, “cause i like to”

he said, “cause it’s fun” he said, so after that i cut it off, i

know i loved him, and i still do, but i just cut it off. after a day or so

i REALLY missed him bad. i was so depressed. well it’s been a month now since

the last time we talked, and he just IMed me out of the blue. and we started

talking catching up then out of no where he asked me ifi still had feelings

for him. and of course since i do i said that i liked him as a close friend

yet. well then he said that he couldn’t get me out of his mind. and that he still liked me. so we talked for a bit that night, then last night he called

me out of no where, while we were online and he played his normal cute game

of him not talking, and all i did was play music for him over the phone for

like two hours. and we had a really nice convo. and then tonight i talked

to him for like 20 minutes, and i asked if what his middle name was, and he said he didn’t have one. how could you not have a middle name? but o well,

it’s cute. well lets see what else, o well i had a BLAST at my cousins, she’s

really cool about the whole gay thing, she bought books and has been reading

up on it, and she bought me a really cool book to. then we went out shopping

and stuff and got my hair colored and i pierced my right ear, hehe, the RIGHT

one. and then lets see, o yeah t-day was not that long ago. o god, well here,

i’ll just copy and paste some stuff. OK well i got home Wed. night about 7:30

(an hour ahead of schedule, i guess i was speeding a bit kmore then i realized)

and i walked in the door and went str8 for the kitchen (like always, it’s

a habit) and my mom was in there cooking pies for t-day. well she simply said,

“I see your cousin was a good influence” and that was that. Then i went over

and said hi to my dad, and all he waid was “What’s up Blondy” and then i went

over and spent the rest of the night cooking with my mom (tell about 11) then

thurs morning, i meet my dad in the hall way on the way to the shower, and

he FINALLY saw my ear ring, and said “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN YOUR EAR.”

and i just walked away from him. and that was the end of that tell we went

to my aunts house (where t-day was this year, they moved it up here cause

of the funeral). Well i walked in the door and the first person i see is of

course my Grandma. and she says “CHRISTOPHER” and i could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn’t happy, so i just kissed her and walked out the

door again. Then about ten minuts later i walked in again, and kissed her

again and said hi to everyone. and then my aunts and everyone (execpt grandma)

comented on how goo di looked and that they liked the hair, but the ear never

came up tell later. then i helped cook like i normally do, and then we had

a nice lunch. then after words everyone slpits up, the men go and watch the

football and the women all go and sit around the kitchen table and talk. well

i have ALWAYS joined the women, cause i don’t like football. so then my aunts

were talking about my ear, (one of them finally brought it up, my cousins

mom, shiela). and then my other aunt, asked which ear it was in. and i said

right (she was in a spot where she couldn’t see me and apperently hadn’t noticed,

janell). and then she said “well i thought left was right and right was wrong”

and i just kinda sat there and smiled. and then one of my asshole 2nd aunts

( a truck driver, pam) said, what were trying to say is are you a faggot.

and then instantly sheila perked up and said “only in this family would they

ask some so str8 out” then my grandma said “well i hope not” and then i sheila

changed the subject quite quickly, and it never came up again. and then i

talked to my cousin after wards, and she said it never came up again after

i left, but then today i got this e-mail from my aunt it really freaked me

out. but i think she’s put one and one together and she seems cool with it.

so other then that, alls going ok here, i still want the fucking hell out

of here, and all that shit, classes are tooo damn easy. i still don’t have

a job, but danny thinks i’m being more spontaneous. hehe, i think that’s good.

i’m still depressed, and really tired, but i’m not forgetting as much anymore.

well i think that’s all for now i’ve bitched enough. i’ll try to keep this

updated more, i guess.