Moving On…

What a busy weekend.

This weekend I had to keep myself busy or else I would have gone crazy thinking about Const and what not.

So Friday I got home from work and went up to Santa Monica, hit the gym for a long time and then met up with Chad for dinner and a Movie. We say No Intelligence Allowed. It was actually really interesting. Although not as good as I was hoping it would be. There’s a section about ISU in there too. After that I drove home and picked up Jason and then we met up with Chad, Ronnie and some other people at The Factory in WeHo. Had a really fun night of dancing and drinking. Got home about 2:30 and saw that Const was online. It was 4:30am there! WTF is he doing online! So I freaked out, mostly cause I was drunk off my ass and started talking to his friend Tim and being all sad and annoying with him. He was actually very nice and said some nice stuff. But he also said, “Const isn’t as innocent as he seems”… WTF does that mean!? Ugh. Anyways. I went to bed at about 4am and only slept for a few hours. Laid in bed and read a book most of the time.

WacoGot up Saturday and went over to Jason’s and hung out with him, Vince and Jack all day. Jack was very cute and funny. Crazy kids. The first thing we did was drop off some stuff at the Hazardous waste disposal place. They were wearing like HAZMAT suits and shit. You’d think they were accepting Nuclear waste, not just electronics and old paint! It was very funny. Went over to Torrance Airport for a while and hung out with this guy who has an old Waco. Went back to Jason’s after that and we were going to replace his water heater. But the thing is so old that the drain was all clogged up, so we couldn’t get the heater to drain. And WHO puts a water heater on the second floor?!?

Came home after that and took a nap then headed back to Santa Monica to meet up with Jess, we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was VERY funny. Lots of male frontal nudity which was surprising, the guy has a HUGE cock! Scary! lol. After that we went out to a bar in Santa Monica and had a few beers and chatted and had a great time. I got home about midnight and went straight to bed.

WacoSunday I got up at 5:30 and headed out to Devil’s Punchbowl to meet up with the guys for some climbing. Little did I know what I was getting into out there. We did what’s called Lead Climbing. Something I’ve never done before, so it was a bit nerve racking. We ended up about 150 in the air and then having to repel down the side. Again something I haven’t done in a LONG time and never from such a height, so it was very nerve racking. After that we went out to lunch at this place called Charlie Brown Farms which had delicious Buffalo burgers and I bought some Wild Boar Sausages.

Got home about 5 and my friend CJ came over and we hung out for a few hours watching TV, he left and I hung out and did some random stuff. Const called me at like 9:30 and we talked for a little bit. We are going to try talking every Sunday just to try and keep the friends going and communication open.

Friday I also downloaded the new Counting Crows album. Very good. I suggest getting it. 🙂

Rock Climbing photos.

A Week of Bad News

This week has just been a really bad week for news.

First the whole Const and I issue. I have had some great support from my friends, and a lot of people who read here have really been very helpful. I also called my mother and she gave me some amazing support. I’ve never talked to her about these sorts of things, but she was a lot of help. I asked her to come out for the weekend, but sadly she as working.

Second, one of my good friends told me he was HIV Positive. Very scary. I did ALC last year and didn’t know anyone who was positive, and now my friend is. It really hit home that it could happen to any of us. I’m very sad for him. We went out Friday night though and had a great time chatting an catching up and what not.

Third, my friends Jason and Steve broke up which is very sad for us all. At least it seems like this was more mutual on their parts, but they both seem very hurt. Then we found out that one of our mutual friends (we’re all friends with him) went and spent the night at Steve’s house the night that they broke up. Which is just UNACCEPTABLE.

Fourth, I found out something about Const that I do not approve of at all. Who knew he was like that.

Fifth, I got an email from my grandma stating that both my grandpa and my great grandma are getting worse by the week. That’s very sad for me. I’ve always really looked up to my grandpa and respected him so much. It’s so sad to see him like this. I was thinking of heading back there for a week or two just to hang out at their house again like I used to in HS.

Heart Broken

Well, the weekend was bad.

He got here on Friday night and right away at the airport things were awkward. We headed out to dinner and had some off conversation there. It was hard to talk for some reason and hard to find things to talk about. After that we walked to the theater to see a play. Which was horrible (the play that is). Things were starting to pick up by this time between us, but still kinda strange. After that headed out to a bar and had a drink and then came home. We got into an argument in bed because he was acting strange.

Out of LoveWe cuddled in bed, but nothing really happened, no kissing or anything. It was clear that things were not going to happen. We got up Saturday morning and I served him breakfast in bed. After that things crashed and burned. We got into it again that he wasn’t trying to get us back on track, he wasn’t trying to make things better. He was just going along with things. So we were over. He packed up all his stuff and I drove him home. Lots of crying and lots of talking on my part. He just kind of sat there. All the things i had planned for him on saturday went down the drain.

I dropped him off and went home to drown myself in wine. Sirin knocked and I bawled at her for a while and then she drug me out to Pomona. Got home that night and drank some more and cried and spent the night in misery. Sunday I woke up at 3am and decided that I had to see him one last time, so I went rock climbing with them that morning. We talked a little bit, I drove him to the airport and he confirmed that this is what he wanted.

I told him that I wasn’t going to try contacting him at all, if he wants to talk, be friends, try and start something again, he can call me. I gave him a big hug as he was leaving the car and kissed him on the cheek.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and have this all be a horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and have it be Friday morning again, so that we can start this weekend all over again. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning as happy as I have been for the last 8 months. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning and have him laying next to me. I want to see his smile again and be able to kiss his lips, to run my fingers through his hair. I want to tell him every day that I love him…. But I know that stuff will never happen again, I’ll still be sad, I’ll still probably cry all day tomorrow at my desk. If only I knew how to fall out of love….

His Return

Constantine arrives at LAX in 5 hours. My stomach has been going crazy all day with butterflies. I am very nervous for his return. How will I feel! How will he feel? I’m going crazy!

I have lots of stuff planned for the weekend, so I really hope that things go well.

I’m pretty sure they will, but you never know.

Work has been crazy busy the last two days and I have been keeping myself VERY busy at home.

Constantine introduced me to this wine called Fetzer Gewurztraminer. I highly suggest it. It’s delicious!

See your Relationship…

I feel like my relationship is crumbling under my feet. Sinking faster then I can bail the water out. My heart has been in pain for the last week. I keep trying to put on a happy face at work and go about my day, but I can’t and work just is not getting done. I sit here and try and think of things I can do to turn this around.

In short, he and I got in a huge fight this past weekend. 4 hours on the phone over 2 days, we came very close to breaking up. Words from him were. “I love you, I’m not in love with you” among others. I blame us both, one for not saying we loved each other sooner and failing to communicate, me for being a crazy and jealous, and the world for separating us at such a critical time. We’re coming up on that one year, it’s critical. The spark is dimming and we must do everything we can to keep it burning, but now we are 1,600 miles apart and we do not see each other, or hang out to keep that spark going.

This week has been torture. We talk and I’m happy, we don’t talk I am sad. I’ve been sending him txts every morning to say good morning and “I love you”. The first two days he replied right away, yesterday he emailed a few hours later. Today, nothing. I sent him a huge letter on Tuesday morning about how I thought we could change things and make them better. I’ve already made huge changes to try and make things better between us, but he has not had time to even think about it…

It makes me wonder if he really does want to try, or if he’s just saying that to try and save my feelings. I’d rather he not try and save my feelings and just tell me what he really wants to do. Last night we quickly talked about his visit next week. He wants to spend one of the 2 nights he’s here sleeping at his parents house. I understand wanting to see your parents and I’ve been thinking about it all week and was planning on dropping him off at his house around 2 on Saturday and then going to pick him up around 10. So that we could spend as much time together as possible. So that we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle and talk. But he doesn’t want that.

I tell him now every night that I love him. Something I should have been saying since Oct when I realized it. Instead, I listened to my “friends” who said it would scare him off, it’s to early… I waited till Feb, told him once, and then never brought it up again. Mostly because he never responded to it, and he’s still not responding. He says he used to love me, but he never said it, never expressed it. Now though, every time I tell him, it breaks my heart to not hear it back. Do I keep saying it? Do I just let it go. I don’t know.

I want to plan a huge romantic evening for him when he gets back… But I don’t know if I should if he’s not really willing to try and get the spark back. I’m fairly certain he’s stopped reading the blog as well. It used to be that if I wrote something here, and then didn’t tell him, he’d bring it up. But he hasn’t been doing that in a couple weeks. If history has taught me anything, that’s a signal.

You should see a relationship as a “WE” not as a “HE” and an “I”.

I see ours as WE, I’ve taken a TON of shit for that, but I feel he sees it as “HE” and “I”. :'(