Love Cycles…

I was reading a while back that there are now more single people then there are married couples. Which makes me really sad. The higher divorce rates, the broken families, the kids with only one parent. This is not the way we should be as a society. 30’s is the new 20’s, but it’s not really.

As we go through these love cycles. Dating/breakup/dating/breakup. I love you, I’m not in love with you. Our hearts get broken, they heal some, but we’re never fully back to the way we once were. Think back to your first love. How did you feel about them? Weren’t you totally infatuated with them, thought the world would never go on without them. Sure, most of that was probably just being young and stupid. But really, isn’t that maybe part of being in love?

When you’re young, you are more willing to change. You haven’t started your life alone yet. You don’t have your set ways of doing things, dishes go here, knives go in the rack this way, towels have to be folded like this, dinner is at such and such time. You are you, but you have not set these annoying traits that will probably stick with you for the rest of your life.

Our first love you’re open and vulnerable, you give that person everything, you trust them fully. You’re not afraid to tell them that you love them or that they mean so much to you. But when it’s all over. That person takes a little bit of your trust with them, a little bit of your heart. You eventually get over it and move on. Maybe in a few days, maybe in a few weeks, maybe it takes years. Your next love comes along and you open up to them. But how do you really feel about them?

You’re not as trusting as you once were, you’re not as infatuated, you’re not as emotionally open. You’re starting to get those traits built into you as you live your life. You’re not as willing to to compromise to make them happy. You’re only out to fulfill yourself and not fully about making each other happy.

As we move from relationship to relationship, fuck to fuck, love to love. Each of those takes a little bit of your heart, a little bit of your trust, a little bit of your lust. Until when? Until what? What are you left with?

As we age as we love as we loose; we become rigid, cold and hard. We’re unwilling to make those sacrifices that we once were. My life is all about me now. My way of doing things, my way of living, my way of loving.

Eventually we find someone. Someone we do care about and love, someone that will do for a while, but what’s left of us to give to that person? We’ve become bitter and emotionally lost from our previous bad experiences. We don’t share as much as we should between each other, we don’t trust one another 100%, we don’t make love, we fuck. That may last a year, 5 years, 10 years. But will it last forever.

Will our generation ever see the love that our grandparents have? Will we all be celebrating our 50 years together, or our 50 years apart?

Our love is never ending, but it’s also limited.

Today, we’re to willing to just throw away love. Our spark is dying, so I don’t love you any more. We have a few fights, so I don’t love you any more. I’m not as attracted to you as I once was, so I don’t love you any more. It’s to much work, so I don’t love you any more… So what is love?

Heart Broken

Well, the weekend was bad.

He got here on Friday night and right away at the airport things were awkward. We headed out to dinner and had some off conversation there. It was hard to talk for some reason and hard to find things to talk about. After that we walked to the theater to see a play. Which was horrible (the play that is). Things were starting to pick up by this time between us, but still kinda strange. After that headed out to a bar and had a drink and then came home. We got into an argument in bed because he was acting strange.

Out of LoveWe cuddled in bed, but nothing really happened, no kissing or anything. It was clear that things were not going to happen. We got up Saturday morning and I served him breakfast in bed. After that things crashed and burned. We got into it again that he wasn’t trying to get us back on track, he wasn’t trying to make things better. He was just going along with things. So we were over. He packed up all his stuff and I drove him home. Lots of crying and lots of talking on my part. He just kind of sat there. All the things i had planned for him on saturday went down the drain.

I dropped him off and went home to drown myself in wine. Sirin knocked and I bawled at her for a while and then she drug me out to Pomona. Got home that night and drank some more and cried and spent the night in misery. Sunday I woke up at 3am and decided that I had to see him one last time, so I went rock climbing with them that morning. We talked a little bit, I drove him to the airport and he confirmed that this is what he wanted.

I told him that I wasn’t going to try contacting him at all, if he wants to talk, be friends, try and start something again, he can call me. I gave him a big hug as he was leaving the car and kissed him on the cheek.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and have this all be a horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and have it be Friday morning again, so that we can start this weekend all over again. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning as happy as I have been for the last 8 months. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning and have him laying next to me. I want to see his smile again and be able to kiss his lips, to run my fingers through his hair. I want to tell him every day that I love him…. But I know that stuff will never happen again, I’ll still be sad, I’ll still probably cry all day tomorrow at my desk. If only I knew how to fall out of love….

Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman

Get ready to cry… and if you’re gay, to be horny! Constantine and I just finished reading our first book together, Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman. This book is just a moving piece of reading. As you read it you’re there for all the action and sadness. You’re transported to the Italian shores and spend the summer relaxing on the beach, sunning by the pool and playing tennis. Taking bike rides to the small local town “B.” and experiencing that first love all over again.


Call Me by Your Name - Andre AcimanThe book is about two guys, Elio a 17 year old living at his parents Italian Mediterranean home, he’s very intelligent, well read, and sensitive son of a professor. Elio finds himself attracted to this years American summer scholar, Oliver, 24 is visiting the family for the summer to work on his book.

And we’ll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.

The young men spend the summer by the pool, reading books, swimming and jogging in the morning, and flirting.

I’m at a loss of words to explain my feelings for this book. They bring back so many things for me about past relationships, about this relationship. It’s a must read for anyone. It’s not only a gay love story, but a love story about transformations that love brings and those transformations happen, straight or gay.

“parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi.”