Not Published

Love Cycles…

I was reading a while back that there are now more single people then there are married couples. Which makes me really sad. The higher divorce rates, the broken families, the kids with only one parent. This is not the way we should be as a society. 30’s is the new 20’s, but it’s not really.

As we go through these love cycles. Dating/breakup/dating/breakup. I love you, I’m not in love with you. Our hearts get broken, they heal some, but we’re never fully back to the way we once were. Think back to your first love. How did you feel about them? Weren’t you totally infatuated with them, thought the world would never go on without them. Sure, most of that was probably just being young and stupid. But really, isn’t that maybe part of being in love?

When you’re young, you are more willing to change. You haven’t started your life alone yet. You don’t have your set ways of doing things, dishes go here, knives go in the rack this way, towels have to be folded like this, dinner is at such and such time. You are you, but you have not set these annoying traits that will probably stick with you for the rest of your life.

Our first love you’re open and vulnerable, you give that person everything, you trust them fully. You’re not afraid to tell them that you love them or that they mean so much to you. But when it’s all over. That person takes a little bit of your trust with them, a little bit of your heart. You eventually get over it and move on. Maybe in a few days, maybe in a few weeks, maybe it takes years. Your next love comes along and you open up to them. But how do you really feel about them?

You’re not as trusting as you once were, you’re not as infatuated, you’re not as emotionally open. You’re starting to get those traits built into you as you live your life. You’re not as willing to to compromise to make them happy. You’re only out to fulfill yourself and not fully about making each other happy.

As we move from relationship to relationship, fuck to fuck, love to love. Each of those takes a little bit of your heart, a little bit of your trust, a little bit of your lust. Until when? Until what? What are you left with?

As we age as we love as we loose; we become rigid, cold and hard. We’re unwilling to make those sacrifices that we once were. My life is all about me now. My way of doing things, my way of living, my way of loving.

Eventually we find someone. Someone we do care about and love, someone that will do for a while, but what’s left of us to give to that person? We’ve become bitter and emotionally lost from our previous bad experiences. We don’t share as much as we should between each other, we don’t trust one another 100%, we don’t make love, we fuck. That may last a year, 5 years, 10 years. But will it last forever.

Will our generation ever see the love that our grandparents have? Will we all be celebrating our 50 years together, or our 50 years apart?

Our love is never ending, but it’s also limited.

Today, we’re to willing to just throw away love. Our spark is dying, so I don’t love you any more. We have a few fights, so I don’t love you any more. I’m not as attracted to you as I once was, so I don’t love you any more. It’s to much work, so I don’t love you any more… So what is love?

My Life Not Published

See your Relationship…

I feel like my relationship is crumbling under my feet. Sinking faster then I can bail the water out. My heart has been in pain for the last week. I keep trying to put on a happy face at work and go about my day, but I can’t and work just is not getting done. I sit here and try and think of things I can do to turn this around.

In short, he and I got in a huge fight this past weekend. 4 hours on the phone over 2 days, we came very close to breaking up. Words from him were. “I love you, I’m not in love with you” among others. I blame us both, one for not saying we loved each other sooner and failing to communicate, me for being a crazy and jealous, and the world for separating us at such a critical time. We’re coming up on that one year, it’s critical. The spark is dimming and we must do everything we can to keep it burning, but now we are 1,600 miles apart and we do not see each other, or hang out to keep that spark going.

This week has been torture. We talk and I’m happy, we don’t talk I am sad. I’ve been sending him txts every morning to say good morning and “I love you”. The first two days he replied right away, yesterday he emailed a few hours later. Today, nothing. I sent him a huge letter on Tuesday morning about how I thought we could change things and make them better. I’ve already made huge changes to try and make things better between us, but he has not had time to even think about it…

It makes me wonder if he really does want to try, or if he’s just saying that to try and save my feelings. I’d rather he not try and save my feelings and just tell me what he really wants to do. Last night we quickly talked about his visit next week. He wants to spend one of the 2 nights he’s here sleeping at his parents house. I understand wanting to see your parents and I’ve been thinking about it all week and was planning on dropping him off at his house around 2 on Saturday and then going to pick him up around 10. So that we could spend as much time together as possible. So that we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle and talk. But he doesn’t want that.

I tell him now every night that I love him. Something I should have been saying since Oct when I realized it. Instead, I listened to my “friends” who said it would scare him off, it’s to early… I waited till Feb, told him once, and then never brought it up again. Mostly because he never responded to it, and he’s still not responding. He says he used to love me, but he never said it, never expressed it. Now though, every time I tell him, it breaks my heart to not hear it back. Do I keep saying it? Do I just let it go. I don’t know.

I want to plan a huge romantic evening for him when he gets back… But I don’t know if I should if he’s not really willing to try and get the spark back. I’m fairly certain he’s stopped reading the blog as well. It used to be that if I wrote something here, and then didn’t tell him, he’d bring it up. But he hasn’t been doing that in a couple weeks. If history has taught me anything, that’s a signal.

You should see a relationship as a “WE” not as a “HE” and an “I”.

I see ours as WE, I’ve taken a TON of shit for that, but I feel he sees it as “HE” and “I”. :'(

My Life

Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman

Get ready to cry… and if you’re gay, to be horny! Constantine and I just finished reading our first book together, Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman. This book is just a moving piece of reading. As you read it you’re there for all the action and sadness. You’re transported to the Italian shores and spend the summer relaxing on the beach, sunning by the pool and playing tennis. Taking bike rides to the small local town “B.” and experiencing that first love all over again.


Call Me by Your Name - Andre AcimanThe book is about two guys, Elio a 17 year old living at his parents Italian Mediterranean home, he’s very intelligent, well read, and sensitive son of a professor. Elio finds himself attracted to this years American summer scholar, Oliver, 24 is visiting the family for the summer to work on his book.

And we’ll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.

The young men spend the summer by the pool, reading books, swimming and jogging in the morning, and flirting.

I’m at a loss of words to explain my feelings for this book. They bring back so many things for me about past relationships, about this relationship. It’s a must read for anyone. It’s not only a gay love story, but a love story about transformations that love brings and those transformations happen, straight or gay.

“parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi.”