Well, the weekend was bad.
He got here on Friday night and right away at the airport things were awkward. We headed out to dinner and had some off conversation there. It was hard to talk for some reason and hard to find things to talk about. After that we walked to the theater to see a play. Which was horrible (the play that is). Things were starting to pick up by this time between us, but still kinda strange. After that headed out to a bar and had a drink and then came home. We got into an argument in bed because he was acting strange.
We cuddled in bed, but nothing really happened, no kissing or anything. It was clear that things were not going to happen. We got up Saturday morning and I served him breakfast in bed. After that things crashed and burned. We got into it again that he wasn’t trying to get us back on track, he wasn’t trying to make things better. He was just going along with things. So we were over. He packed up all his stuff and I drove him home. Lots of crying and lots of talking on my part. He just kind of sat there. All the things i had planned for him on saturday went down the drain.
I dropped him off and went home to drown myself in wine. Sirin knocked and I bawled at her for a while and then she drug me out to Pomona. Got home that night and drank some more and cried and spent the night in misery. Sunday I woke up at 3am and decided that I had to see him one last time, so I went rock climbing with them that morning. We talked a little bit, I drove him to the airport and he confirmed that this is what he wanted.
I told him that I wasn’t going to try contacting him at all, if he wants to talk, be friends, try and start something again, he can call me. I gave him a big hug as he was leaving the car and kissed him on the cheek.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and have this all be a horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and have it be Friday morning again, so that we can start this weekend all over again. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning as happy as I have been for the last 8 months. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning and have him laying next to me. I want to see his smile again and be able to kiss his lips, to run my fingers through his hair. I want to tell him every day that I love him…. But I know that stuff will never happen again, I’ll still be sad, I’ll still probably cry all day tomorrow at my desk. If only I knew how to fall out of love….