Feb 12, 2001

so my mom called late, i mean really late last night,

it was odd. she babbled at me about all kinds of stuff, i don’t really remember

what most of it was. o well. must not have been to important. i should be

doing that hw yet. i started reading it then got off on this thing of looking

for apartments and such in various places. apartments are fucking expensive

even in des moines and such. i need a job so bad. but i’m just not wanting

to get one, not here. not now. i could easially hold one down and still get

my hw and shit done on time. but i just don’t want one, not in this town cause

everything is fast food work and shit. and i really don’t want to do that

again. ycuky. and with gas prices they way they are now it’s not cost effective

to drive all the way to sioux falls to get a job. not at all. for some reason

lately i’ve been really tired, i’ve been getting enough sleep, and not to

much. so i don’t know what it is. i broke my toothbrush somehow this morning.

i was brushing my teeth and then all of a sudden half of it just snapped,

it was nuts. so i had to dig out my camping toothbruch tell i get a chance

to go buy a new one, lol. it was odd. i applied to a nother college the other

day, i don’t remember if i mentioned that or not. but the sad thing is that

i won’t hear from them tell april sometime, but i have to tell UNL for sure

if i’m going ot go there or not by march 30, so yeah, i don’t know how that

will work. i would rather not go to unl, it’s kinda a back up for if i don’t

get into anywhere else. but yeah. if worse comes to worse i can always go

to DMACC or ISU i guess. i really don’t want to cause then i would have to

live with my PU’s yucky. 🙁 Q102 is

really cool. they have good music. lol. so i talked to the high adventure

program director the other day from that job offer in philly i got. yeah,

sounds pretty cool. i should be getting a phone call sometime this week to

do an interview. that’s one thing i talked to my mom about last night. i was

like, so if i get this job out there, your cool with me going out there to

work, and she was like, well i don’t know i haven’t talked to your dad about

it. arg. i really want to go work out there, and not just cause danny is out

there, it’s the first fucknig ever boy scout camp, it would be so cool to

work there. it was started in 1912. it would be so fucking cool to work out

there. and plus it would get me out of the state for the summer and shit.

i want out, now, out of everything. damnit.

July 12, 2001

july 12, [gin blossoms, "follow you down"] ok well tonight was

great. i went over to hy-vee and sat with adam well he was on his break, one

of his other friends was there too. i forget her name now, but she was all

worried that she might be pregnant, and such, yeah, crazy, but then after

he got out of there we went to camp. it was cool fun. we got there just in

time to see the call out ceremony. yeah, good times seeing robert like that,

adam enjoyed it too, although the whole cult like stuff kinda freaked him

out i think. after that was over i had planned on taking him up to frankel

ridge and hanging out in the field up there and just talking the night away,

but it was starting to rain and there weren’t any stars so that plan kinda

got blown. so we went into tent city and adam met nathan, the really femm

guy at camp. and we went and found becky, but she was dead asleep, so we just

left her, and went and saw ben shepely. we talked to him a bit and such, then

they were going out for ice cream and we were going to go, but they wouldn’t

be back tell like 1 and that’s adam’s cerfew so that wouldn’t have been cool.

so we just came back and adam met nic, then we went back to hy-vee and hung

out there. in the car back though we had a little discussion about things,

again the whole touchy feely things. it was a bad conversation, i tried explaining

to him about it, and it’s like, well i feel really stupid writing this, but

sometimes when he’s there, i have to "adjust" myself. i dunno, it

was wierd telling him that and now but yeah. i got heat for that all night.

our whole relationship is kinda wierd, i like it, but it’s wierd. i don’t

really feel as though we know each other all that well, we know alot about

each other, but not alot. it makes sense in my head, so go with it. but i’m

really liken it this way, just kinda learn about each other as things go along.

neither of us wants sex, so we can go as slow as we want in things. it’s all

cool. really cool. but ya know, i think my head is moving the relationship

along more then what it really is. like tonight we were standing by his car

and i was just looking at him, and like half my head just wanted to kiss him,

and the other half was like saying, no you can’t do that we’re not ready.

so instead i just played with his cheeks and such, he’s got such an adorable

face, he really does, and in my head, that’s like a huge part of liking someone.

but yeah, and then i was like, omg. i don’t want to be like ryan, adam said

he hated when ryan did that, so then i kinda apoligized in my half wacko sort

of way. but yeah. i’m going to leave now before i dig a bigger hole.

Feb 11, 2001

so yeah, should be doing hw yet, i actually got it out,

and put up an away message, then i was like, hmm, maybe i’ll update my page

some, lol. so here i am updateing my page. so i realized something bout myself

last night, and i didn’t like it. not at all. nope. well it was really messed

up ast night. so i was in bed, and the phone rang, and it was some drunk jerk,

he got the wrong number, so i just hung up on him, cause he was totally incomprehensive.

so then just after i hung up the phone rang again. it was danny, doing his

thing, where he calls and doesn’t talk. so i looked he was signed in so i

went and started talking to him. but yeah, somehow him and julian started

talking. it was just freaky. ok so this makes no sense, i’m going to go do

hw, maybe i’ll fix it later. so yeah, it’s like 1 or so and i’ve been up since

10. i haven’t gotten any hw done, i got the books out, but that’s all. i did

get my webcam working again :-P. someone should be happy, lol. but i’ve been

thinking again, and maybe it’s just me, but it’s odd. yeah, i just feel like

i know nothing about danny, i know alot about him, but i feel like i know

nothing. it’s odd, maybe it’s just me. salads are good. so yeah, instead of

doing my hw like i should have, i got an urge to clean shit out, i get these

everyonce in a while, you know, just start trowing all your old shit away.

well i found my 2000 yearbook and sat down looking trough it. it’s so depresing.

i hated hs, it was really depressing. and now when i look back at it it’s

even more depressing. i hated hs.

Feb 10, 2001

yeah so i should be doing HW now. but i just don’t have

the motivation to do it, lol. i really haven’t got shit done today. it’s been

a crappy ass day. i watched qaf the first two shows today. everytime i watch

it i see more of it, you know realise more. it’s like WOW, i haven’t seen

that before, lol. it gets funnier everytime i watch it to, lol. haven’t seen

danny yet today, and it’s getting kinda late. we talked for a couple minutes

last night, he was on a payphone, getting chinese food again. i had this craving

the other day for chinese food, and then like 5 minutes later he called and

was like i’m going to get chinese tonight, i was like, WTF, lol, it was cool.

so yeah, Hw, maybe i’ll get to it yet tonight, i dunno. i’m tired.

Feb 8, 2001

so it’s been a long day. last night was

really good though i talked to danny for like 3 hours, 3 and a half i dunno,

it was long, but really nice. i love talking to him, he’s got the cutetest

voice, lol. i just wanna kiss him everytime he talks, lol. but yeah, it was

cool. we talked tell well after midnight and then i just layed there in bed

thinking. bout him, bout what we talked about, it was some pretty cool stuff,

lol. but i can’t imagine myself at 60 and still listening to the same type

of music that we currently listen too, lol. but yeah, i’m so fucking tired,

i got maybe 3 hours of sleep, which isn’t much for me considering i ususally

get a full 6 hours min. lol. what a dork i know, but you don’t want to know

me if i don’t get enough sleep. lol. i can get reallly pissy, very easily.

lol. it’s snowing here again, damn snow, we’ve got like 8 inches in the last

couple days and it’s supposed to keep snowing all day today and trough tomorrow.

yucky. i think i should take a nap, but then my thought process

will get fucked up. you know, you take a nap in the middle of the day. and

then when you wake up it’s like is this morning of the next day or night of

the same day. andi just get really messed. i’m to tired to explain it. i wish

i could go to philly so bad. i really do.