Dec 6, 2000

Dec 6. the 6th, tomorrow is my dad’s b-day. i sposse i better

call him tomorrow. yeah. i’ll try to remember. well i’m sitting here working

on this speech and yeah, i know where i’m going with it but i ust have way

to much information for it then what he want’s and i don’t know where to cut

stuf out of it. it’s all so good and it all supports my claims so well but

i just don’t know what to cut or how to really start it all. it’s a really

sensitive topic and stuff and yeah. well i don’t know i have that math test

tonight i ahven’t studied for it yet. i got a couple new sons by Amber, they

are pretty good. o hey, hehe, i was bored last night and i went to find out

what the wonderful horoscopes said about me and danny, heres what they say:When

Aries and Aquarius come together, the combination of Aquarius vision and Aries

action tends to make them a highly creative pair. Their partnership is anything

but static, and while it can be competitive, it’s never boring! This pair

can be great friends; their Signs are two apart and this tends to make them

compatible and able to communicate well. Both of them are idealistic and enthusiastic

about life, and together they enjoy new and outlandish experiences. Both are

attracted to anything new, and they love thrills; they may even take turns

playing the show-off! Many Aries-Aquarius relationships enjoy a feeling of

mutual admiration. Aries admires the uniqueness, vision and inventiveness

that are characteristic of Aquarius. In turn, Aquarius admires the Aries energy

and initiative — Aquarians always have new ideas, but they don’t always have

the drive to carry them out the way Aries does. Both Signs enjoy their independence,

but conflicts can arise if Aries seems too possessive or Aquarius seems too

aloof or detached. Both partners need to learn that they view the world in

different ways. Aries can be too involved for Aquarius’ taste, and Aquarius

in turn may be too unpredictable for their Aries partner. As long as both

partners reassure each other that the relationship is important, things will

be just fine! Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Aquarius is ruled by the

Planet Saturn, as well as Uranus. These three Planets form a sort of cycle

that is indicative of the Aries-Aquarius relationship and their ability to

come together to create new institutions. Uranus is the Planet of new ideas

and creativity; it’s from this Planet that Aquarius gets its great vision.

Then, Mars puts these ideas into practice and initiates action. Finally, Saturn

keeps the process going to completion, following up after Uranus’ inspiration is exhausted and Mars’ energy moves on to new things. Aries is a Fire Sign

and Aquarius is an Air Sign. Air fuels Fire and keeps it going; Aquarius can

keep up with the action and energy of Aries and the Ram’s tendency to start

initiating new projects based on Aquarius’ ideas. When they work together

as a team, there are no limits to the possibilities! Aquarius is able to use intellect to inspire Aries’ action-oriented lifestyle and feed them new ideas

to put into practice — Aquarius is very intellectually stimulating to Aries.

Both Signs have wide-ranging interests, and Aries’ desire to physically participate

gives them great joy in implementing the ideas of the more mentally active

Aquarius. Aries is a Cardinal Sign and Aquarius is a Fixed Sign. Aries gives

Aquarius the confidence to charge ahead and take action, rather than just

sitting in the laboratory concocting new ideas. Aquarius can help Aries stabilize

and complete projects rather than jumping into new plans without completing

the old ones. They both respect and admire each other, and when they can understand

that no one has to be in charge, they can accomplish a lot together. The best

aspect of the Aries-Aquarius relationship is their ability to achieve a great

deal when they work together. Cardinal Fire and Fixed Air cover all the bases:

these partners can come up with an idea, plan how to implement it, get it

going and stick with it to make it succeed. This formula for success makes theirs a relationship of vision, as well as practice. but yeah, sounds

good to me. hehe. o yeah doug sent me this pic a while back and all he’ll

tell me is that it’s someone from UD and they go by josh, well danny goes

by josh everyonce in a while. so i’m going to ask d about it tonight. hehe,

yeah. well i’m going to get back to this paper. i might update again later

today. Ok well it’s now 6:39. I’m getting ready to leave for the math test.

damn it. i haven’t studied i started to but i didn’t know how to do any of

it so i just gave up, i’m glad i don’t have to take much math, lol. well i’m

going to leave for the test now talk later. ok so i’m back, STUPID MOTHER

FUKCING TEST. first it was a hard ass test, second he took 30 minutes just

to hand the damn thing out and explain that we couldn’t open it tell he told


DANNY. FUCK. i really needed to talk to him tonight about stuff. fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck. bastard. ok i’ll stop, but as you can see i really wanted

to talk to him tonight. but yeah the test was a fucking pain, they were easy

questions mostly but some of them were just really fucked up and some of them

weren’t even over stuff that we had gone over in class and then there were fuking typos on the damn thing shit. mother of god, shit. ok i’l stop no,

my fingers are starting to cramp up cause of all this HARD typeing.

Dec 5, 2000


end of semester, driving me NUTS. it’s tues. yeah, tues. usually a good day,

cause i have all easy classes, YEAH RIGHT, not today. well it started off

in matt class stupid mother fucking professor. the bastard. well he spent

the first 30 minuts of class lecutring us on how we are like 10 sections behind

for the final and how the final is on such and such day and how they are going

to split the classes up cause we are to big to fit everyone in the one auduatorium


so yeah, the fucker wasted 30 minutes telling us about shit that we didn’t need to know. and then we were supposed to get through four sections today,

and we’ve got a test tomorrow at 7PM, can you believe that 7PM, fuck you.

but yeah, we were supposed to get though four sections today, we didn’t even

get through one, so you know what he did? he gave us 78 problems over the

four sections that we DIDN’T FUCKING GET TO. and they are due on Thurs. FUCK,

78 problems you know how much fucking HW i have in other classes to fucking

get done. god damn it. and then we have a test tomorrow for that class that

we have to go to and study for, MAN that guy is a fucking retart, he shows

up for class late, he never knows what he’s taling about, he put problems

on the board that even he doesn’t know how to solve, he’s never prepared.

he DOESN’T KNOW SHIT. he spend most of his day in the TC playing pool. AND

WE PAY HIM FOR THAT? I THINK NOT. he should be fucking preparing for the next

god damn class. well enough about math now on to BASIC. i hate that class.

it’s sooooooo fucking easy, but today, ARG. we are in these damn group projects

you know, ok. well i got stuck in a fucking group of people that have NO IDEA

what they are doing, so today we were doing the coding for this HUGE ass project

and today i was like well i’m not going to code, cause i’ve been doing all

of it. so i made this other guy sit there and code, well he has no fucking

clue what he was doing, so i just say there an dictated everything to him.

ARG. ok on a happy note. i talked to danny today, infact just got done talking

to him. i saked him if he would seriously consider meeting in person and he

siad he would then i put the hypothetical question to him, “what if i

said i was free from dec 26-jan11…” and he was like, “well i’m

going to be spending time with me family,” (i should have told him it

was hypothetical), “but ifi had my own place…..” and then we both

said we loved each other, it was the first time since that little problem.

i hadn’t realized it but i guess it was. how nice. i really do love him. he’s

sweet. o yeah, my mom called me last night at like 10 or so and i was like

damn it shouldn’t you be in bed. and i was all spacey cause i was busy else

where, i think she thinks there’s something wrong with me now. but o well.

but yeah she called cause she want’s be to go to philmont again next year,

i really don’t want to go. but yeah, and they also want me to help out at

summer camp for the troop. i don’t know how that will work out. i think my

PU’s are the only one’s stupid enough not to put the right ear/left ear thing

into play. but yeah i told her i was like, i really don’t want to go to philmont

again, and she was like well maybe you can take a training course, an unfortunally

she found one that would work for me, damn it. so now i don’t know how i’m

goint to get out of it. fuck. but yeah i really need a paying job for this

summer, i’m going to see about maybe trilogy systems i have to talk to greg

sometime, or maybe i can get an internship with allied or something i don’t

know, i would really LOVE to work at camp again, but that would require i

take the ear ring out cause people there will put one and one together and

figure it out. but yeah, i would really love doing that, i’ve been thinking

alot lately about where i’m going in my life and i’ve been thinking about

changing to a teaching major, it would be like computer science teaching stuff

like that, but i don’t think i could handle the private industry of computers,

and i really don’t want to go into anything else that i can think of, and

i love kids. and that’s something else i have been thinking alot about lately,

kids. you know when i come out to my G&G they are going to be like “WHAT

NO GREAT GRANDCHILDREN” and i’ll never fucking hear the end of that;

so i’ve been thinking about weather i would want to adopt when i find the

right man to spend my life with, and i think maybe i have found him. but i

really think i would want to adopt. i love kids and this last summer at camp

has really made me realize that. and i really wish that i would be able to

go back there and work again, but unfortuanaly the people in out council are

realky uptight about this whole gay thing, the bastards. BOFH is cool. so

i’ll go back to work now i have like three papers to write and then all that


Dec 4, 2000

well it’s dec 4 about 4:30 or so. today’s been pretty good, i finally got

around to answering my aunts e-mail. i just said some short things here and

there, kinda explainging where i thought i was going with stuff. all that,

and i got a reply back from here. pretty good as far as things go there. I’ll

have to reply to her yet again. it’s getting kinda annoying (takes to much thought), but o well, hehe. danny says that QaF was really good, i so want

it now. DAMN IT why do i have to live in the middle of now where, where we

don’t get showtime. fuck it. other then that today’s been pretty uneventfull.

my classes sucked today, i so could have skipped my first class, and slept

some more, i need some more sleep, hehe. and then in speech he just babbled

yet again. it’s really starting to get old. YEAH, classes will be over soon.

so that’s good. yeah, all’s good. life still sucks, but all’s good. I’m going

to go finish my paper now, so bubye.

Dec 3, 2000

well it’s dec 3rd. it’s 11:00 am i’ve been up since 7 this morning but didn’t

get out of bed tell 10 or so. there are like two people sleeping on the floor,

so i was like well they’ll be getting up soon but they didn’t so i just got

up and walked around them, they’re stll sleeping, along with my roomie, and

i think his gf is here too. arg. i hate when they do this. it’s like damn

it it’s my fucking room to,. well enough about that. the last two days have

been pretty good. i got to talk to danny alot, he’s spending time away from

his friends as he put it. sounds like a good idea to me. lol. found out some

pretty cool stuff, i guess he lived in Puerto Rico fro like 7 years before

mocing here, that’s pretty cool, and he’s looking at colleges out there in

PA. that’s sad, cause if i end up in SDSU i won’t be able to see him at all.

there’ld be no way i could drive out there but yeah he’s really sweet, i want

a damn pic of him though damn it. well i got caught up on my algerbra, i think

i’ve got a test on wed at like 7 or so, i don’t want to take it, but it’ll

help my grade (it’s not a required test, hehe). so yeah, these jerks are all

here in my room, and i have a really loud clacky kjeyborad, i hope it wakes

them up hehe, cause i type really hard and with an annoying random style,

it’s sounds pretty coo.. hehe. but other then that i can’t this oof anything

that’s been going on round here. been pretty good these last two days or so.

well i’m going to go off to lunch now, hopefully these dorks will be awak

by the time i get back. damn them, the fuckers. i want to listen to the radio

and i can’t cause they are all sleeping. o well. time for food………well

i stayed in the cyber cafe from about 11:30 tell 3:00 i was watching the webcam

of the room to see when they finally got up. so when they left i came back.,

my roomie is really rude, i can’t beleive that he would just show up with people, ARG. damn it, i can’t wait to get the hell out of this damn place.

I WANT TO GO TO SDSU. now. hehe, o yeah i was talking to danny last night

and he said that he might be going to cali for school to, that would be cool

if we ened up in the same state. yeah. he’s got a pretty cool history too,

he lived in puerto rico for like 7 yeras, that pretty cool. i love him so much, he’s perfect. everything i am looking for, he’s sweet, smart, loves

kids. he’s so great. but the thing is that we are complete opposites. he’s

Mr popular, jock boy. and well you know me. we’ve been talking alot this weekend.

i mean alot. he’s so nice. ok enough of my babbling. WOW three updates in

one day i must be damn bored. well i just got this e-mail from my aunt, i

told her in a round about way about everything. i don’t know if i said anything

about it before, but after the whole t-day excitment she wrote a sympathitic

letter to me, and i was like, well i guess she knows, now she’s just waiting

for me to confirm, so i did in a round about way. and today i got anouther

e-mail from her. here i’ll just copy and paste it:

First things first. No problem answering the e-mail. Was

just gone from Friday Morning to Today. Did not even check e mail before we

left. So am not mad or been trying to figure out what to say, just wasn’t

home. Sorry if that caused any undo stress. Is that the correct term? Trial

by fire? Well, it certainly does explain a lot of things about your family

and their reaction to everything!!!!!!!!!! Would be nice to be able to come

out and say it without having to worry about what reaction everyone is going

to have. I guess in that respect, everyone in the family should be more like

me!!!!!!!! That’s not something that I thought would ever be said by anyone

in this family, especially me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s just hope that everyone

is enlightened enough that they know that they can’t “change” you. Grandma

wanted to do that to Beckie when she found out that she was going to be left

handed. She kept putting her silverware on the right and making her change

hands. You know, you thought about this a lot more than me, cause when Beckie told me about the earring, I never thought about the left ear. right ear thing.

I guess I thought that was soooooooooo olllllllllllllddddddddddddddddd it

didn’t matter anymore. So the entire speech still stands. Like what you are

doing with your life, must have been a HELL of a childhood and you have some

difficult times ahead of you. You are on the right path, you think clearly

and know your own mind, so when it all comes out, keep your chin up and your

heart sheilded. I’m sure that there will be some dumb things said and done,

but they will come from Love. Believe it or not (even Dr. Phil said this on

Oprah the other day) Pain comes from Love. When you love someone and they

hurt you, they lash out in pain and frustration. That will be Grandma lashing

out, when she says dumb things like Oh no! or Chris this means no grandchildren.

etc etc. Just a thought, so what do you think of boy scouts now????????? Still

Love Ya, still like the haircut. Still think you are a studly young man. What’s

not to love???????/ Call / write anytime. On your side, no matter what. LOVE

YA Sheila

so yeah, i don’t really know what to do about that. I’ll give it some time

to plod around, i’ll get to it latter tonight, i guess. maybe after i talk

to d and kim. ok well that’s the end of my story, i’m going to go and do something,

i guess, i don’t know what. WOW a fourth update today. well i just got done

talking to danny, i love him. well we were talking about Big city life compared

to small stiy life. i was really happy when i was talking to him but now,

i’m just really depressed. i feel like i missed so much in living in a small

town all my life, i never really had any real friends like he does. and it

just really depresses me about how people in the big city have so much more,

they have bigger school, with more diversity, and more oppertunities. I feel

like i was deprived of my life. i want to move to a big city, now that i’m

in college. I’m in an even smaller city, and even farther from everything,

i don’t really like the poelpe here. i don’t get along with them, but when

like danny and i talk we just click, i think. i want to move to the big city.

the BIG city. i even sounds like a country boy. fuck this shit. i want to

go, go now. you don’t know how badly i want to just get in the car and drive

out there to see him. i so want to so badly. I’m so depressed, i think i need

some drugs. I think i might have social anxiety disorder too, huh, i think

i’ve said that before, haven’t i. well this has been one long ass update for

tonight, i think i’m done now. maybe, maybe not.

Dec 1, 2000

Well it’s Dec 1st, world aids day, did everyone wear thier red ribbon? well

so wierd things happened last night. i went to bed about 11 like normal, but

i just couldn’t get to sleep. everything that’s happened to me over the last

couple months was just racing through my mind. i think the thing that set

me off was to find out that matt has been dissin me. I’ve sent him four e-mails

and he hasn’t replied to a one. not a single one, and one of them was telling

him to have a happy holiday and that shit. you could at least repsond to that

and say thanks or something, but NO NOTHING. o well i deleted him off my buddies

list last night,and got rid of all the info from “GCCI” if that’s

even a real corp. i deleted everything, if he decides he wants to talk to

me fine, he can contact me. damn it i really liked talking to him and stuff.

he’s a nice guy to talk to. he’s got everything going for him, a rich uncle,

a bf, great student, a good job. i wish i could have had even one of those.

somepeople are just so lucky. he was a really sweet guy to talk to. but apperantly

he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. he’s made that quite clear. well back

to the original story, i laid there in bed for like 30 minutes just thinkging

about everything, my life, school, jobs, where i’m going in life, everyone

i talk to on the internet. everything. well i just couldn’t take it anymore

so i got up and went for a jog. i was out for an hour, it was snowing it was

soo nice, no one was out. it was a beuatiful night. well i got back here a

little after midnight and then went and took a nice HOT shower. then i came

back in and wrote danny a big old long huge e-mail. it had nothing that would

be of concern to him, but i needed to tell someone, and he was there. so i

did it. i’m kinda regretting it now. but hopefully he will be ok with it all.

then i finally went to bed about 3 this morning, but i didn’t get to sleep

tell sometime after 5 so i’m worling ona bout 3 hours of sleep, not good for

me, not good at all. we had classes as normal today, even though we have a

bout 3 inches of fresh snow on the ground, the local school’s were all canceled,

why can’t they cancel college? I’m really depressed these last couple days.

i think i need some drugs, wonder who i would talk to here on campus to get

some. huh, maybe i should find out.