Ok, well I don?t have TOO too much to privately update about, but I promised Chris one, so here goes.

The past few days have been upsetting, sad, and happy all at once. I was very upset w/ the fights that we kept having. I really didn?t think they were necessary in most cases. And it just made me sad that we had to fight right before we were leaving. We went 3 months with no fights, and then suddenly we are fighting seemingly non stop. I know it wasn?t really non stop , but I was really stressed and it felt that way. However, I am glad that we have figured everything out and we are no longer fighting and everything is good between us. I think it was just the stressfullness on both of our parts, and then any little thing would set us off and then we?d fight. But it?s ok now.

Last night was really hard for me. We were laying together in bed, and I was telling Chris how scared I was to do all my orientation stuff. Eventually he started crying, and it broke my heart. Because he started really crying, and letting it all out. I just held him and told him everything would be ok and that I was here to hold him. I didn?t know what to do, I felt so helpless right then, I just wanted to make everything better for him. I started crying too. I?m halfway crying now. This is emotionally harder than I thought it would be. Last night was proof of that. I?ve never seen someone cry so hard for me. It makes me realize how lucky I am. I doubt a guy will ever cry like that for me again.

I don?t want to go, I just want to stay in Iowa, all this change is too much for me. I?m scared, I?m upset, I?m sad all the time, I don?t know what I?m gonna do in Cali. Hopefully I?m just getting lots of pre school jitters and everything will be fine. But it might not be.

Anyways?. Today was a really good day with Chris. There was lots of stress in the beginning with the post office and stuff, but then the plane ride was so fun. I thought we were just the 2 cutest little gay boys in the world, sitting on that plane, laughing and holding hands, tickling, and talking. We looked at Sky Mall and talked, and just generally had a great time. Eventually he left me ?go to sleep? but I really didn?t, I kept opening my eyes and just talking to him more. We laughed and had such a good time, and took cute pics of ourselves. Very cute.

I am gonna miss my Topher insanely after next week. It seems so weird that in a week I will be in California, away from everybody that I know. It?s very hard to think about. In between all my wanting to be sad and crying, I will have to be *extra* happy and cheerful so that I make friends. I just want to skip all of orientation and sit in my room and cry. Maybe I will.

Especially having to say good bye to Chris on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning. I don?t want to, but I feel it will make the goodbye easier. Well??. Nothing could really make that goodbye easier. It is very hard to say goodbye to someone who makes me feel the way he does, and to someone who really loves me, and to someone who thinks I?m sexy and sweet and smart. What if I never find that again? What if I don?t want to?

I feel weird being here, more on that later maybe. I just feel so ?? well it?s almost ashamed ? of everything. I just want to go to Cali and start my new life, away from my family?.. But I wish it was with my Topher.

The Day We Leave

Well here we are sitting in the airport. It’s 2:00 and our flight doesn’t board tell 3:30. I told my mom we didn’t need to be here this early, but she insisted on getting here early.

We did however get the woman to change our seats so we get to sit next to each other now, so that s really good. I’m excited for that. I would have been uber pissed if we hadn’t gottn the chance to sit next to each other on the flight.

I’m very excited for all of this, though very scared all at the same time. This’ll be the last time we have in DM tell at least December. Maybe longer.

The last couple days though have been really good. Though a bit frustrating.

Saturday he got home and we had a bit of a fight and a short bit of annoyance with each other. Though we got over it, and I appoligized and so did he.

After that was over we went out with Ginny to the mall and had a good time there, I found the pair of glasses that I want. I’m very happy with them. I will have to get get them though once I get back because the only sale they had going on was a sucky ass sale. You saved $165 when you buy TWO pairs of glasses, which I really don’t want.

Once we were done with that we drove downtown and went to Centro. Very good place. I had called earlied to get reservations, but they said they didn’t have any, so I was thinking that we’d have to sit in the bar. Ended up not having to, so that was good. Though I think the service would have been faster in the bar, so we would have actually made it to my plans.

The food was good, and we had a good talk. After that it was too late to get to where I wanted to go, so we went across the street to a parking garage and climbed to the top (All ten floors!!) And stood up there and watched the sun set. Which wasn’t cooperating with me, because it was cloudy. Affter that we drove to Camp Dodge and sat on the tanks overlooking the city. From there back to Saylorville where I was hoping that the moon would be high enough to light up the lake, but it wasn’t so we just sat there for a little bit then went back to my house and hot tubbed. That was nice, though I kept nearly bereaking out in tears.

Once we were done with that it was off to his house to get to bed. Which we did quickly.

Sunday, was a LONG ass day, We got up really early and went over to beak’s. Met up with them and went off to the fair.

That was Really fun, though iit was such a LONG day. Beak and Leper boy would NOT STOP EATING! Blarg BLARG!

We saw tons of good stuff, and it was very sad.
After the fiar we went back to Beak’s, showered, and then off to the drag show. It was pretty good and Jackson saved the show a couple times. Not the best, but still a really good show!

You could tell one time when the DJ played the wrong song for Jackson, he got REALLY mad and gave hima death stare! It was funny shit.

Once that was over we broke and went back to Andrew’s place, When we left I had turned on the over head lights in the living room to really low. I was hoping that we could come home and just lay on the couch, with the really dim lights and just talk for a bit. But we got home and there was far too much to do, so we just got it all done, and crazyness and went to bed.

I had a major breakdown. I felt really stupid for doing it. Mostly because I felt like Adam crying that much. I know that Angel was very annoyed when he cried when she was leaving. And I feel very stupid about crying so much now. Especially since no one else has cried yet either, and he doesn’t seem to be taking it near as hard as I am. Lol. Just like beak said,.

Ok, so I lied in that last paragraph. Beak cried too. It was so cute and sweet of her.

Anyways, today has been uber hectic. We went to the post office, they rejected us, we had to re-pack, and go back. Went to his school got his yearbook, I went home got my mom, made us lunch, etc.

Now here we are at the airport. The security was very confusing, since I haven’t flown in like 3 years or so. Eh, whatever.

Anyways, the point is that I can’t imagine saying goodbye today. I would not have been able to handle it.

Whatever, there’s a lot more that I should update about, but I just don’t feel like it right now.

Laters all!

A Night Out

So last night was alright, I was really pretty upset and annoyed, but that was because of my headache. And the fact that Dustin had just felt like inviting Daniel along on this whole thing.

Well, alright, lets go back abit. When I said that I wanted to go out to spagehhti works, I meant that it was supposed to be a nice little romantic dinner, just the two of us. When he told me that Dustin was coming along. I was fine with that, because I had another dinner planned for Saturday afternoon. So it was fine that he came, because I know that Andrew and Dustin hadn’t had much time together this summer, so it would have been a nice time for him to catch up and all.

Then I find out that Michael was coming, which annoyed me some, but still alright because, well he is Dustin’s BF.

Anyways, supper was good. Though not the best Italian I’ve had, but still good. And thanks to Drew Bear for paying for me!

After supper we broke and went to Java Joe’s, Andrew met a TON of other people that he knew and spent most of the night talking to them. After a bit, Scott was coming down and it was getting loud, which meant my headache was getting worse. So Dustin came up with the great Idea to go to the Homeless shelter thing? To see Linda. Very strange, so we all walked over there and just as we were getting there, when James, and gang showed up. So we didn’t get to talk to Linda hardly at all. Though I really would have liked to.

We hung out there for a while and then headed back to Java’s. We were all very tired so we broke once we got there. Andrew and I came home. There was a bit of drama. Though that was covered in a private post.

We spent the night together, and that was nice. This morning he got up and left around 7:45 or so. I stayed in bed, and tried to sleep some more. Though it was really hard to because it’s very scary trying to sleep in that big bed, in this big house by myself. It’s even harder since it’s not my own house.

I finally got up about 10 and showered, shaved, etc. Then I did some laundry and now I’m stiting here writing this and watching Lucy. Good times.

Hopefully today will be alright. Andrew’s going out with Courtney and Jean after work. Which annoys me a just a tad bit. But then he’s coming home, and we’re going to do something with someone from then tell 7. From 7-9 I have him claimed for a bit of a surprise.

Anyways, I’m out. Laters all!

A Lunch Date

You know, right now I don’t know who to be more annoyed at. Courtney or Andrew.

Today’s the second time in a week that she’s tried to take away from the time that Andrew and I ALWAYS spend together. It’s getting pretty annoying.

At first the plans were for him to go over to Courtney’s house, and have lunch there. I really wasn’t that upset about it though because it was her mom that was wanting to cook him a dinner. I can understand why I wouldn’t be invited to that. It was her families food, etc.

Well now the plan is that him, Courtney and Jean from work are going to go out to a resturant for lunch. This fairly annoys me more. I don’t see why I couldn’t have been invited to go out to the resturant as well. I mean, it’s not like I’d be a HUGE inconvience, or ruin their together time.

You know, back a couple weeks ago, something happened where someone wanted him to do something on a weekend, and only him. But he told them no because it was our time together. But now he’s just making plans without me.

Though, I know, or at least am pretty sure, he’s not doing it on purpose. Last night he read my private entry from the other day. And just broke down crying.

I couldn’t tell though what kind of crying it was, and he wouldn’t talk to me about it. So I had no idea if he was crying because he was upset that I felt that way, or if he was upset because it was true, or what.

I just really feel like shit lately. I feel like I’m putting way to much pressure on him, and taking away to much of his time from other people. Though I think that I’m justified in asking for the time together.

I really want our last few days together here in Iowa to be great. I’ve had so much planned, but I have a feeling that some of those things will get ruined because I’m a bit upset about the way that I’m acting.

Also another thing about the way that he’s acting. The other day when we were in the mall I went to hold his hand, and he pulled away from me. Then I tried kissing him on the check and pulled away again. I asked him what the problem was and he said that he felt uncomfortable doing that in public. But the thing is that we’ve held hands/kissed in that mall tons of times before. I just don’t see what the difference was that day. I was just a bit saddened by that.

Last Update

Well this will probably be my last update tell I get back from Jersey/LA.

The last couple days have been very emotional and also very aggravating.

Andrew’s thought about not going to college, we’ve talked about where our relationship is going, etc, etc.

Last night I spent the night trying to watch the Lucy show, but ended up just crying the night away. I also packed, hopefully I didn’t forget anything.

We’ve decided to put end our relationship once he leaves, very sad. But I think it’s the right thing to do. I mean really how many long distance relationships work out? Hopefully someday we’ll meet up again and be able to get back together, maybe not. It was a very hard thing to do, and it hurts me a lot. But like I said, I think it’s the right thing.

Today we had a bit of a fight though about something very stupid, and I feel horrible now for bringing it up, though I think it needed to be talked about. We also are going to talk more tonight about things.

Weekend is packed with activies, hopefully they will all go well and there won’t be too much crying, etc.

Anyways, I will be taking a laptop with me, so I will be writing many updates. They will all get posted after I get back sometime.

Here’s my flight schedule:

08/11/03
CO2845 — Des Moines, IA (DSM) 16:00  TO
                New York/ Newark Liberty, NJ (EWR) 19:30

08/18/03
CO564 — New York/ Newark Liberty, NJ (EWR) 10:40 TO
                Houston/ George Bush, TX (IAH) 13:18

CO259 — Houston/ George Bush, TX (IAH) 14:40 TO  
                Orange County, CA (SNA) 16:08

08/20/03
CO5390 — Orange County, CA (SNA) 08:40 TO
                Detroit, MI (DTW) 16:01

CO7525 — Detroit, MI (DTW) 18:57 TO
                Des Moines, IA (DSM) 19:40

And I’m out…