Aug 07, 2001

Aug 7, [New Radicals, "Someday We’ll Know"]

Ok, well it’s not really Aug 7 yet, but it’s damn close enough and I didn’t

feel like making a second update for Aug 6, cause well that’s just to much

work. Today’s been pretty good. Adam was going to come over here this morning

at like 10 or something, but he can never keep apointments, and he slept

in. So I guess Angie called him and told his mom that he was supposed to

bring her over here, and Adam’s mom wouldn’t let him leave, cause well he’s

grounded. So that fucked up those plans, I guess it’s better that way cause

I didn’t get out of bed tell 11:00 anyway. Then this afternoon Angie came

over and picked me up and we went back to her house. We hung out there for

a while and then went car shopping at the place Nick (Is that how he spells

it?) works at. There was some really assholeic guy working there and once

he found out that we weren’t actually going to buy something (which, when

he first walked up, I said, "We’re just looking") got really bitchy

with us. So we left. After that we went over to Adam’s house and hung out

there for a while. Angie and I left cause, well I was getting sad. We were

in his room most of the time, and Angie and him were cuddling, and that

just really made me sad cause, that used to be me, and now I don’t feel

comfortable around him when they are doing that. And even though it’s just

him and Angie, I don’t feel comfortable joining in either. So I felt left

out. And by the way, today Adam made a comment in his journal that everyone

feeds off messing up his hair,

and I just want to say that I only mess it up when he tells me I can, thanks.

(I think he’s alot cuter though when he doesn’t have all that gook in his

hair). But after we left there, Angie and I went to get some food and then

we headed back to my house to watch movies. We watched that one, the Hidden

Dragon. It was really fucked up. I didn’t follow it at all. Well, alright,

I got the basic jist of it. Then Xak called and came over and we watched

Power Puff Girls. That was amussing cause I’ve never seen any of them. They

were great.

I got a letter today from the housing department at ISU. They said I’d

probably get stuck in temporary housing for a time then I’d get moved into

a dorm somewhere, that’s going to really suck cause we’ll, I’ll have two

different roommates, I’ll have to move sometime. And yeah, just generally

sucky arrangments. I’m really not looking forward to school to start again.

I hope it’s a good semester, but I have a feeling it won’t be.

I want to go up to camp sometime this week. It’s the last week of Cub /

Webelos camp and I want to see how things are going with them all. I also

want to get one last time to walk around camp and just enjoy it. I wish

I still had someone special in my life to go up there with me to share it.

But I don’t so some night I’m going to go up there late and just hang out

for a while. It should be good times.

This is just like random thought night. There’s alot of things I want to

get done this summer before school starts, but I know I most likely won’t

get them done. My horroscope says that I need someone in my life that has

alot of energy cause I have all these things that I need to get done, and

ideas that I have, but I never have the time, or energy to actually get

them done. We’ll see what happens. I’m having feelings that this summer

I haven’t gotten anything done. Yet I know that I have. I’ve taken that

step to remove Scouts from my life. I’ve opened up to alot of people about

who I am and what my life is about. I’ve had alot of firsts this summer.

My first Bf and other such personal things as the major one, but there’s

been alot of them. Many more then I can really remember right now, or want

to remember really. It’s been a productive summer, yet it feels as though

nothings been done, maybe because I don’t really have anything to show for

it. I’m still the same person as I started out the summer, and I really

have nothing to show for what’s happened this summer, other then the journal.

But that’s really nothing much. It has all my feelings, but I haven’t been

able to express those feelings in other ways, other then here on the journal.

I don’t really know.

I guess the scouting’s populas has degraded alot since the high courts

ruling about the gay issue. It’s down almost 4.5% in one year. And that’s

just an average, in the northeast it’s down 7.8%. It’s even down 3.5% in

the south, which is where the scouts are supported by just about every church

and other youth orginization around. There’s a really good article about

the scouts in Aug 6 edition of Newsweek I think everyone should go

read it.

My grandma sent me an e-mail today. She really needs to learn how to form

complete sentences and thoughts. She just jumps from one subject to the

next in one sentence right after another. Here’s a sampling: Knew

one time you were talking apartment. Won’t be long now before it starts,

will it? Larry’s gave us some apples so made a pie and have been freezing

applesauce. What the hell is that? I mean, I know that I go from

thought to thought, but man, that’s just messed up. She really needs to

learn how to do this stuff. You know what’s really funny though, the subject

line says "hot" but it says nothing about it being hot in the

message. What is up with that? My grandma is just crazy.

I got a book today from Adam, well really I’m supposed to be taking it

back to the GLRC tomorrow, but I’m going to keep it and read it. It’s the

book that Ellen Degeneres wrote. Adam said it was really good, but we’ll

see. I’m not much of a book person, so it takes a really good book to keep

my attention.

I have tell Wed off, which is nice, well it kinda sucks cause Adam’s grounded

and I don’t have a car. So it gets kinda boring here during the day, but

at night it’s nice to not have to worry about working. I guess Marlin bitched

about me so they aren’t scheduling us together anymore, which is nice, cause

I hated his guts anyhow. But I want to know what he bitched about, cause

I’ve been nothing but nice to him. That fat asshole. grrr. Next week’s going

to really suck though cause I’m working mornings some days and overnights

other days. And I work Saturday overnight, and that Saturday is the last

Saturday night I’ll be in town for a while, so yeah. grrr at them.

My mom seems to be really supportive of my choices in my life. She really

likes Adam and such, she keeps asking me questions about him. I don’t think

she’s gotten that we’ve broken up, but then how could she tell a difference,

I think I spend more time with him now then I did. She also asked me the

other day wether I wanted to be active in scouting any more, I told her

I’d help out if they _needed_ me but I’d rather not be. And she said that

was cool. I’m happy that things are going good with them. I just wish they’d

actually talk to me about it. I’m not really ready to bring it up to them,

and I told them in the letter that I sent them when i came out that when

they felt comfortable talking to me about it that they could come and talk

to me. I think I should tell them that my aunt and cousin know, that might

help them out abit.

I guess Adam’s going to get high this Friday. Part of me says that I should

be there to see it cause it’ll be amusing, but another part of me says I

shouldn’t go. I think that if I’m off work by the time they do it I’d like

to be there, maybe I’ll try it. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to

be high. But I’ve never had the guts to do it. That goes back to the whole,

having lots of ideas, but never acting on them thing that I wrote about

up above.

I’m going to have to reboot my computer here soon. It’s starting to be

all slow and things are starting to crash, well only AT&T crashes when

I sign on, but that’s nothing really big. I can still get on the internet.

But still, it’s been up for almost 30 days now without being shut off. So

I think it’s time I give it a break. I really love having Win2k on here,

it’s so great. No reboots, hehe. One of the lackeys from NP has been e-mailing

me about getting POP working on Comet B, Comet C, and Shoemaker, but since

they installed RH 7.1 and it uses a different version of IMAP then I’m used

to I can’t really help them without seeing it and I don’t really want go

in there, cause then they’ll give me a list of other things to fix while

I’m there. I really don’t want to help them any more, I enjoy it, but if

I help them once, I’ll get suck helping them with alot of other things I

don’t have the time for.

There’s alot of other stuff that I wanted to write about when I first started

this, but I’ve forgotten it all. So I’m going to go post this so Adam can

read it, cause I want his feed back on it.

[Added revision, 30 minutes later] After I wrote this update Adam started

acting wierd. I don’t really know what the hell it was all about, but it

was starting to piss me off. Then he just started sending random messages

and then signed off. The little twat. (Changing topics completely) I’m in

the mood to write an erotic story, but I just can’t get going, well actually

I had a pretty good start, but then Adam started acting wierd and worried

me. So I lost my train of thought, oh well, maybe laters. Now I’m just worried

as to what the hell Adam’s fucking doing.

Aug 06, 2001

Aug 6, [Alanis Morissette, "You Learn"]

So tonight’s been pretty cool. I worked today from 10 tell 4 and I was

by myself for 4 hours of that. grr. I did about $5,000 in sales during that

time. I had lines from one side of the store to the other end, and I was

working both registers at once. After work I came home and begged my dad

to let Adam have some of his wonderful Koi. He told me no at first and that

they were like his children and that he didn’t want to let any of them go

yet. I was like, they’re just fucking fish. Then he went out there and got

two fish and put them in a bag, and told me to take them to Adam, they looked

like minnows to me, but I wasn’t going to argue with him, so I took them

over to Adam. He agreed with me that they looked like minnows, and I guess

he’s now lost them already, so whatever. I’ll let him come over some time

and steal, I mean borrow, one out of the pond. After that we hung out at

his house, that was amusing times. Then they wanted supper, so I left. I

came home and hung out here for like 10 minutes then I went over to Xak’s

and we called Vero and she came over and we watched Mallrats. That’s one

messed up movie. After that I came home and here I am now.

I’ve been in a fairly good mood lately. Everyonce in a while I hve troubles

getting to sleep cause I’m depressed, but other then that it’s been mostly

good. Things seem to be working themselves out. I’ve still got alot to talk

about to people. Not just Adam (although we do have _alot_ to talk about),

but other people as well. Life is starting to look better, although, I’m

not really looking forward to school starting. Unlike last year, where I

just couldn’t wait for it to start. I’m going to bed now.

Aug 03, 2001

Aug 3 [Led Zeppeling, “Good Times, Bad Times”]

We’ll see how it works out this month and such, eh. Well last night was

pretty cool. About 7 the parents were still chewing on my ass so I just

got up and left. I was going to go over to Hy-Vee and see Angie and talk

to her some since it would be a good time to talk since Adam wouldn’t be

around. And after that I was going to go to Wal-Mart and see Julian and

talk to him for a bit, and I was supposed to get my mom a yellow fabric

pencil, and after that I was going to go to Java Joes and just get something

to drink and hang out some there. Well I got to Hy-Vee and I saw Adam’s

car in the parking lot and I was like, damnit. But I had to go in so that

I could deposit a check and withdraw some money. So I went in there, and

I didn’t see Adam anywhere, so I went over to Chinese Express and Adam and

Angie were both there. So I said hi to them, and talked to Angie a bit.

Then she asked if I wanted to come over to her house after she got done

at work cause Vero and Mandy were going to come over, and I said I would

cause I haven’t seen Vero in like forever, so I agreed to that, then she

asked Adam if he wanted to come over too, and I was just like, grrr. I really

didn’t want to be out with him last night. I just wanted to talk to Angie

and hang out. But yeah. So They got off and we went over to Angie’s house.

That was ammusing. Derrik (sp?) had a bunch of people over there and they

were all nuts, and Angie wasn’t in a good mood, so that was ammusing too.

So we were there, and Angie’s mom said that Vero called and said she couldn’t

come over. Well we called Mandy to see if she was still coming and apparently

Vero had called and said that Mandy couldn’t come cause she got injured

at work. But Mandy said that Vero was still coming over. So we waited around

for Vero, but she never showed. While we were waiting for her, Matt called

Angie, so we all sat around and laughed and talked to him and such. It was

great. Well after that it was like, 10 or so, so we didn’t have time to

go down town, so we were going to go over and see Xak. So we drove over

there, but he wasn’t home. So instead we decided to teach Adam how to drive

a stick shift. That was great times. It was really funny watching someone

learn a stick. He actually did really good for being a first time. But yeah.

It was ammusing. We spent about an hour there and then took him home and

told his PU’s the story about his driving. That was great. After we left

there Angie and I drove back to her house and we just hung outside and talked

about things. It was a good talk. I should really talk to Adam some more

things, but it’s so hard to get him alone sometimes, and also some of these

thigns, I don’t really want to talk to him about cause I would feel wierd,

but they are things that we _need_ to talk about. Angie wants me to call

him tonight after work and go out with him and talk to him, but I don’t

really feel like it. I think my mom and I might be going shopping here soon.

So we’ll see what happens. My horoscope says to stay home and watch a movie

tonight. I dunno. Overall though last night was really fun. I enjoyed it.

Today was good to. I had to work at 8 this morning, but it was good times.

It was Mel, Mandy and I working all morning by ourselves and we just goofed

off all morning and had fun. I came out in a really funny way to Mel. It

was great. I have to be back tomorrow morning too, and it’s going to be

just the three of us again. Yay for fun.

July 30, 2001

July 30, [Sting, "Brand New Day"]

Today’s been really great times. I wish they were still really great times

with my boy friend Adam, but they’re really great times with my friend Adam.

This afternoon I went over to his house and just hung and talked with him

and his mom a bit there, then we went over to Jessica’s house and hung out

with her. It’s hard times in her house. She just got a new car and the tape

they used to put the "For Sale" sign on the windows had melted

so we helped her get that off there. Then we came back to my house cause

I was hungry and he wanted a Koi. I made myself a salad, Adam went out to

the fish pond to try and get a fish, he didn’t do very good at that, so

I came in and changed into trunks and got into the pond. Cause that’s how

we usually get them. That didn’t work either. So we just gave up. After

that we went out to Saylorville and hung out there, it was good times, it

was so pretty. Again, I wished I was with boy friend Adam yet, but it was

still really fun. After that we came back here and made french fries and

potato chips. It was so much fun. After that we went swimming and hot tubing,

I was waiting for Adam to try and go skinny dipping, but he didn’t and I

was happy about that. I really don’t want to get into a position like that,

not now. After that we came inside and watched a movie. I forget the name

of it already, it’s that one with the prince or what ever he was and he

gets changed into a llama thing. Yeah, that was a great movie, "No

Touchy" hehe. I love that line. Tonight was great times. Taking him

back home though was hard tonight, I started to cry. I was thinking about

how great tonight would have been had we still been together. It would have

added so much to our relationship. But tonight still added alot to our relationship

as friends. I’m glad I chose to stay here tonight. Sometimes I just need

a break.

The house is really clean today too, for the first time ever I feel as

though I can actually bring people over and not be embarased by the way

it looks. It’s so great when the PU’s leave. They make such a mess. lol.

I’m so glad I have the house to myself, one week of a clean house is going

to be so great. But you know, I shouldn’t have to wait for them to leave

to be able to enojy a clean house. But they just can’t seem to keep things

clean, they can’t clean up after them selfs and that damn dog just makes

such a mess cause my dad will just let him in the house right after he jumps

out of the pond or something like that and he just tracks all over the place. Damn dog.

July 29, 2001

July 29, [Donna Lewis, "I’ll Love You, Always, Forever"]

Well tonight just hasn’t been good at all. Julian called here and said,

that Justin and Sandy weren’t coming untill tomorrow, so I’m like, ok wanna

do something. And he was like, yeah, let me call Mandy, so he called her

and then called me back and said he was going to go get her now and then

come get me. Well me being me, I got online and saw that Adam was on, and

of course without thinking, I asked him if he wanted to come. Well that

ended up being a bad idea for me. At the time it sounded good cause I was

in a better mood then I was earlier. So we went over a picked him up and

ended up at Jules house. Well we were watching movies, and I just couldn’t

stop looking at Adam and thinking, Damnit, I lost him. And that got me in

such a bad mood I just got up and left the room. Well sensed that I wasn’t

all there, so he came in and talked to me. I mean, I love him. And it hurts

to be around him, I don’t know why I keep calling him and going out with

him. I think since we ended it, We’ve spent more personal time together.

It’s odd. I told Ang once that I didn’t think I could ever be friends with

my ex’s cause I have these feelings and I have them for Adam yet. It’s hard

for me to be around them cause all those feelings come back, I see them

and it’s like, "That’s why I liked him so much" and it’s just

grrrrrrr. Make them go away, I really do want to be friends with Adam, I

really really do. But it’s soooooo hard. While we were talking I started

crying, cause it’s that hard. I think that kinda hit home with him. It let

him see how much this really does hurt me. It’s the first time I’ve cried

infront of someone in a long time. But it was nice to get it out.