March 3, 2001

march 3. omg, i’m so tired. so i got home last night at 5 or

so. went up to my room to put my stuff away, and found that none of my stuff

was in *my* room. And there in the middle of *my* room was standing my brother,

with all his shit in *my* room. i was so fucking pissed. they couldn’t have

at least told me, before i got home, or waited untill i got home to let him

move in, but ya know that still doesn’t make up for it. it’s *my* room, i

may not live here all the time anymore, but it’s still *my* room. it’s his

own damn fault he didn’t choose that room wehn we moved in this house. he

had the chance, but he choose the smallest room in the fucking house as his

bed room. so i took that room, the fucking bastard. god damnit that really

pisses me off, it’s *my* room. damnit. so i left here at like 7 or so and went to xak’s, hehe. we went to java joe’s but it was boring there that early

so we went and wondered the sky walks in des moines for a while. ok a couple

hours. i swear we walked the entire system, lol but it was cool, there we

alot of weird people there, and then we went to this big hotel and sat next

to the pool for a while. oh and apparently i neglected to tell people that

this was my spring break week. so yeah. well you know now, lol. and we went

to wal mart and hung out there for a while, and we saw mandy and julian and

some other people, that was cool. then julian, xak, dean, and i drove round

ankeny for a while. ya know i don’t understand why people are so affraid of

my driving, i’ve only been in the ditch once, and that really wasn’t *my*

fault, it was really bad weather. and i’ve only been in one accident and that

wasn’t my fualy either. damnit. lol. Then i went back to xak’s and we watched

the nightmare before christmas, that is such a cool movie, it’s been so long

since i’ve seen it. then i drove home at like 3 or something, it was really

foggy, there were a few spots where you couldn’t even see two feet out the

window, it was really bad, but i got home safe. and then i went and sat in

the hot tub for a couple hours. i finaly got to bed like 5 or so. and ya know,

i really can’t sleep past 9:30. since wed night, i’ve had maybe 6 hours of

sleep, and yet this morning at 9:30 i was wide awake, and here i am, still

going, lol. My parents want me to go out with them tonight, i really don’t

want to. yucky. boring, i wanted to go out again tonight with all them. i

haven’t really seen them all in so long, or been able to talk to them really.

but o well, parents have the ultimate say, i guess. I’m going to leave for

lenox tomorrow sometime. prob like 11 or so, maybe as soon as i get up. i

really want to call danny today.

Feb 26, 2001

over the last 6 months i have really learned alot about

myself, about the world, and about stuff that i have missed all these years

of my life. i have missed our on who i am. on what my life is. I’ve been here

for 6 monrhts, 6 months. i’ll he here for a total of 9 months. but i’ve already

been here for 6 months. and i’ve realized how much my life really sucks. i

only know 5 peopler here, but there names only 5, i’ve been ehre for 6 months

and i only know 5 people that i can actually go up to and say, hey you wanna

go hang out some time. only 5, i’ve been here 6 fucking months. I don’t know

why i’m like this. i want to meet people, i want to go out more, i want to

live my life. but i think that as long as i’m stuck in this closet, as long

as i’m stuck with these people. that i won’t be able to live my life the way

i want to. 6 months. on march 8 i’ll have known danny for 7 months. i’m pretty

sure that’s the day. yet i only know him as a voice a personality, and i love

both of those, i love his voice and his personality. but i don’t know what

he looks like. i don’t know what i truely feel for him, is it true love, or

is it just lust? i don’t know. i hope it’s triue love. I always say that it’s

what’s inside that counts. and i believe that. as much as i can. i try to

live by that. but we all know that that’s not always the way it works out.

I think about suicide alot. it’s not just recently either, for years i’ve

been thinking about suicide. and in a way i think i’m slowly killing myself.

by limiting what people know about me and the emotions that i show. when jo

died over a year ago now, i didn’t cry until the next day at school. it was

two days before my birthday that she died. two days. as i sti here tyrping

this i’m crying now. but then i didn’t cry until the next day at school. i

remember it. i was in the computer lab and one of the servers had crashed

so i was in the server room working on it. and i just sat there looking at

the screen. and Mrs. Houseman came in and closed the door allitte ways and

asked me what was wrong. and all i could do was cry. i juse sat there and

cried. it was two fucking days befor my b-day. we had gotten jo 9 years earlier,

on my b-day. when my greatgrandma died. i didn’t cry then either. that was

a long time ago. i was young and i don’t think i understood. during the summers

though i remember we would go to the nursiing home with my grandpa and just

hang around with her. we would spend the days there playing in her wheel chari,

my cousin and i racing each other up and down the hallways. god how i bet

she loved to see us there. but when she dies, i didn’t cry. why, i don’t know.

my life. what is the meaning of life. what was man put here on earth to do?

why are we here, why are we who we are? i don’t know, i don’t think anyone

knows. What makes the starts shine, what makes this computer work> what

makes us love, what makes us hate, what makes. what. What makes us live and

what makes us die. Why did matthew sheppard die, and why did i cry for him,

when i couldn’t even cry for my own great grandmother, or my lobing dohg of

9 years? why do i cry when movies have sad endings? i don’t know. Why do i

continue to support an orignization that, if they knew who i really was, they

would kick me out on the spot? an orginaization that i so love, and one that

is currently trying it’s hardest to get ME to come and work for it? why do

i love it so much, and why does it hate me so much>? All these why’s? and

not a single answer. why, why, why. When italk to danny, it makes me so happy.

i feel like there’s a part of me missing, a huge part, and when i talk to

him, that part is there. It’s makes me so happy to hear his voice. sometimes

when i’m on the phone withi him, i’m holding back all these tears, tears of

joy, that he is there. someone i can talk to, someone that i love. I don’t

really know him at all, i know his voice, i know some of his personality,

but i don’t really kow *him* do i? liek the songs goes, “on the telephone

line i can be anyone, any hieght, any age i wanna be” i so wish i could

meet him and see who he is, get to know him in person. i do love what i know

of him now. and think that if we were to meet in real like, i hope we would

get along. But oh, so do i want to meet him. I would do anything to get to

see him. “This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really

this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, Oh well

maybe tomorrow” — Melanie’s “QaF” Character Journal.

Feb 25, 2001

so i have realized that i am completely incapable of

sleeping past 9:30. last night i was up tell 4 this morning watching movies

and such. Well this morning at 9:28. i was WIDE awake. like i had gone to

bed at a normal time the night before. and it’s not just today, it’s every

weekend that’s like that. I’m always up before 9:30 on the weekends. it’s