Tag: Iowa

Give Him My Card.

So yesterday was an insanely busy e-mail day for me. It seemed like every time I turned around I had new e-mail. Incoming mail yesterday: 373 messages. Gah! Hopefully today will be quieter.

Got home from work and did my bike ride, which I haven’t done in forever. So that was a good change. My iPod is still broken though which is sad, so I had to do it without music! So unfun.

Sat around the aprtment for a while doing nothing and called someone to see if they wanted to go to the Drag show at the Boom that night. They said they weren’t sure and would call me back later to let me know.

I went out at about 7ish and hung out. Had an appointment at 8:30, he said that if I talk to Austin to give Austin his card.. cause he sounds like he’s got mental issues way worse then me. I found it funny. But I’ve been reading this book and it’s constatnly like, “OMG that’s SOOO Austin”. Maybe I should anonymously send him this book. I doubt he’d read it though. lol

Got done with my appointment about 9:30 and called the person again, since they hadn’t called back. And they didn’t answer thier phone. I called them again about 15 minutes later and they didn’t answer again! I’m so pissed about that.

I called Jenks last night too… Just talking with him again makes me SO want to go back. My Dr. guy said that I should wait a week to go back home, so that I plan it and it doesn’t look flakey to my boss. But I just want to go back NOW for a week.. And after talking to Jenks, I just want to go back even more. I miss that boy!… I miss EVERYONE in Iowa. :'(

However, tickets for the next two weeks are running about $800 to fly back. I’d have to wait till 4-1 to fly back to get any good prices.

I applied to Savis back in Chicago… I think that was the fastest rejection I ever got! I sent it in in the morning and was rejected in a few hours. lol.

Got a call yesterday though about one posistion, but she said it was Contract to hire and not paying any where NEAR what I needed. So yeah. 🙁

Ugh, what to do, what to do!

Snow

So this weekend was horrible, as you’ve probably all already guessed.

I spent a large portion of it in bed, not wanting to get up and just crying.

Why is it that whenever I go out on a limb and plan things in advance with people things always get fucked up. And then I get even more depressed because of the list of things we had talked about doing will never get done now.

– Flying a kite on the beach

– Trip to San Fran

– Trip to Phoenix

– Watching all of Sex and the City

– More roller coasters

And there’s a lot of other things. I actually made alist of all the shit we had talked about doing that will never get done now. :'(

I had this guy Patrick over on Saturday night to hang out. He brought me cookies and food and sad depressing movies. It was nice of him. We watched Finding Neverland and A Walk To Remember. After the second one, I kinda had a major break down. He was very nice and comforting, which was good. It helped. Thank god someone acts like they care, even though I had never met him before.

I still just can’t believe that he’d just walk out of everything. You know? Like I have all these unanswered questions now that will never get answered, and it pisses me off so much. Mainly, what was I to him then? Obviously I wasn’t that great of a friend for him to just walk out on, yet he claimed I was so much. What was Disney then if he has no feelings for me? What were all those times when he’d call me all upset and just wanting to talk for an hour or more. What were those times when he’d come to my house unexpectedly and just want to cuddle and talk. What was it when we’d lay in bed an he’d hold me so close, and kiss my cheak and my back and my hands, what was it? What was it when he was thinking he might have to move to San Diego, and he said, “Well you’ll have to come along obviously, or at least visit every weekend”.

What was all that, if he says he has no feelings for me? He says he likes me, just “Not as boyfriends.” But he doesn’t have a good reason for that. I ask him, he says I’m boring (IE, I don’t dance at the clubs). When I get upset because he’s over generalizing as boring he says that he’s just saying that, he doesn’t mean I’m boring. But then I try and get real reasons out of him and he says, “I don’t have a reason, I just don’t” or “It’s none of your business why”. Excuse me, it is my business why you don’t like me when all you’ve done is acted like you do! Besides, if you don’t like someone like that I think there is ALWAYS a reason why.

Where did I fuck up, where?

I want to know what’s going on with this Orlando guy, I just want to know if they are fucking. Gah.

Sunday I spent the day in bed, being sad and depressed and thinking about what it would take to get a week or two back in Iowa. I wouldn’t want to make it a full vacation, I’d want to keep working while I was there, but I’m not sure if they’d allow me to do that. I could go into Krell or NPHS to get high speed internet, so that’s not an issue. Perhaps I will talk with JP this morning about it.

BTW, there were crazy storms this weekend all around here. It was insane, lots of snow up in the mountians. I want to go play in it. :'(

Adios.

How I Feel

Ha, I’ve been saving these up from post secret for a while… But they sure explain how I feel right now:

Went to the play today, it was really good. I’d suggest seeing if it you’re in the Orange County area.

Ugh. Black Jettas Everywhere… It’s depressing.

This random guy Jon that I met at the boom last night just e-mailed me.. Said it was nice meeting me, blah blah.

Also had this really cute boy come up and start talking to me like right when I got there and he was being really touchy. But then I had to go meet Joel. Wish I hada stayed around him though. Coulda probably got a good make out. lol.

I’ve been thinking aobut just running back to Iowa for a week. I almost called JP this morning to talk to him about the logistics of working if I did. I feel like I need time back there. This is so horrible.

Always a let down.

Why is it that things are always a let down for me… And never what I was expecting.

Grrr.

So Friday I got home from work and was just going to spend it alone and sit on my damn couch being pissed off at Austin and humanity and the world and just wishing I could not fucking care about it.

I watched Dorian Blues and talked to Angel… Talking to her REALLY makes me want to move back to Iowa.

But Austin called and asked if I wanted to go out to H Marys with him… Stupidly I said yes…. BAD FUCKING IDEA. So he wasn’t going to come over till 10:30, and I was just going to sit and watch TV and shit till then. But he ended up showing up at like 9:30. We sat and tried talking, but he was just giving me short one word answers and shit. So I just stopped talking.

Then he was like, “Lets watch this movie”, it was “Best In Show”. I said I didn’t want to start it because we would be leaving soon, but he said, “We can watch it and go whenever”

So then like 40 minutes into the movie he says to stop it and go to the club. I said that I wanted to finish the movie. So thenhe’s like, “Well I’m just going to go now then”. So I get pissed off at him for being such a jerk about things. So I tell him to just get the hell out, and I go and lock myself in the bed room.

Well everyone knows me, I can’t just let things go. I have to try and talk them all out. So I call him and we start talking and then talking leads to major yelling and It’s all very reminicent of Andrew.

Then there’s a knock on my door and it’s him and he just walks in and I try getting him to just talk to me, but he pushes me into the bed room and tells me to lay down. So I lay down and we talk for a bit with him just standing there. Then he gets in bed and starts trying to be all cuddly and shit. And he’s just like, “I’m just trying to change you to be more emotional and to show more excitement”. And blah blah blah. I dunno. Somehow it ended up with him spending the night! GOD, how did that fucking happen?!

So he spent the night and then in the morning we got up and I cooked him breakfast and then we went out shopping for a bed frame for me. Went to Levitz and then Ikea, and we had a really good time. Came home and he left and I sat around for the rest of the afternoon.

Went to Verizon to get a new phone cause they are having an amazing sale. Well I get there and am told that I have to sign up for help? WTF is that? Then I wait for 30 minutes to get someone to even talk to me. Then I’m told that they can’t do ANYTHING because I don’t have a California number. So I get pissed and just leave. Fucking Idiots. So I call the customer service and THEY tell me that they CAN help so I go back in and am told that I’ll have to wait in line AGAIN. So I said SCREW that and left.

Came home and sat around some more then Michael called me, and I went over there and watched Rent. He tried making out with me, but I’m just not into him like that. So I had to tell him to stop. Austin called in there and said he wanted to go out that night. I told him No that I was hanging out with Michael that night. But then Michael wouldn’t stop trying to make out with me, and I got annoyed, plus I wanted to try making up for Friday night. So I left as soon as the movie was over and called Austin… Suddenly he was TOO TIRED. YET ANOTHER LET DOWN. Fucking shit.. I just can’t stop torturing myself, huh? Guess what time he ended up going to bed…. Anyone? Oh! That’s right, 1am! Yep tooooo tired to do anything? Eh?!

God.

So I get up this morning and sit around my house. I went shopping to the Nursery and bought some new plants and some fertalizer for my Hibuscus. Hopefully they will be more happy now.

Came home and there was SHIT on TV. So i read some of my book.

Talked to Austin some more… There I go torturing myself again! I asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch the sunday night line up on Fox, like we’ve done before… Again, maybe to salvage just a little tiny bit of this weekend…

He said, “I dunno”… Which was fine, cause that was a like 1 or something.

So I sat around and watched Stripes which I’ve seen like a million times before. Such a horrible movie.

Anyways, Austin finially gets back to me about this and says that he’s going to go see Brokeback with the guy who was over on Friday when I went over there.

Ugh, very pissed off.. A) Because I’ve asked Austin to go see Brokeback with me like 5 or 6 times, and every time he says he thinks it looks stupid and he doesn’t want to go see it. B) I’m pissed because I wanted to fucking hang out with him.

So now we’ve been fighting for 2 hours now. And he just said:

4:13:25 PM austin: sorry i ruined your life

4:13:55 PM blackc2004: you’ve been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me austin.

4:14:12 PM austin: well sory

4:14:18 PM austin: i’m fucked up and overdramatic

4:14:29 PM blackc2004: I’d agree with that

4:14:45 PM austin: well then i think we’re done here.

4:14:50 PM austin: Goodbye chris

4:14:55 PM blackc2004: done here with what?

4:15:29 PM blackc2004: ……

4:15:42 PM austin: this aweful emotional rollercoaster for u

4:15:44 PM austin: i’m going

4:15:44 PM austin: bye

Now he won’t fucking answer me or his phone.

God damnit… Why can’t I just drop his ass and move on. I know it’s the best thing I should do right now.

I’m going to start applying for jobs out of state again.

Ugh, I forgot to mention ANOTHER let down… On Friday everyone from the SA Team went out drinking together.. No one invited me. I heard them talking about changing the place where they were going to hold it as I was leaving work. That makes me feel really bad.

Sushi…Best In Small Portions

So, yesterday I had a good date.. Went out with Michael again. Went down to this sushi place in Laguna, it was all you can eat.

We get there, and he just orders everything since I have no idea what’s going on. The first thing was this Tuna Sushi. Which was pretty good. But I think they put a bit too much wasabi on it. After that we got this crunch roll which was HUGE, he wasn’t expecting it to be so big, so that was the last thing we got.

There was this crazy Asain lady and her white husband sitting next to us and they had like 7 plates of sushi JUST WHILE WE WERE SITTING THERE, and we talked to them and they had been there befoe us! And we’re not talking SMALL plates either. It ws crazy that the TINY little asian girl could pack away that much!

Drove home and he held my hand the whole way, but towards the end of dinner it got a little wierd cause we were struggling for things to talk about.

Austin and I are going to Disney today, so that should be fun. I got us free tickets.

I meant to talk about the fact that he’s had 50+ partners in his life… That really freaks me out. Granted he’s been active since he was 15, but STILL! Arg, I just don’t know. Plus he said he’s cheated on a BF before. :'( In Iowa, he would have been a member of the sluts club. It makes me sad.

Adios, yall.