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Always a let down.

Why is it that things are always a let down for me… And never what I was expecting.


So Friday I got home from work and was just going to spend it alone and sit on my damn couch being pissed off at Austin and humanity and the world and just wishing I could not fucking care about it.

I watched Dorian Blues and talked to Angel… Talking to her REALLY makes me want to move back to Iowa.

But Austin called and asked if I wanted to go out to H Marys with him… Stupidly I said yes…. BAD FUCKING IDEA. So he wasn’t going to come over till 10:30, and I was just going to sit and watch TV and shit till then. But he ended up showing up at like 9:30. We sat and tried talking, but he was just giving me short one word answers and shit. So I just stopped talking.

Then he was like, “Lets watch this movie”, it was “Best In Show”. I said I didn’t want to start it because we would be leaving soon, but he said, “We can watch it and go whenever”

So then like 40 minutes into the movie he says to stop it and go to the club. I said that I wanted to finish the movie. So thenhe’s like, “Well I’m just going to go now then”. So I get pissed off at him for being such a jerk about things. So I tell him to just get the hell out, and I go and lock myself in the bed room.

Well everyone knows me, I can’t just let things go. I have to try and talk them all out. So I call him and we start talking and then talking leads to major yelling and It’s all very reminicent of Andrew.

Then there’s a knock on my door and it’s him and he just walks in and I try getting him to just talk to me, but he pushes me into the bed room and tells me to lay down. So I lay down and we talk for a bit with him just standing there. Then he gets in bed and starts trying to be all cuddly and shit. And he’s just like, “I’m just trying to change you to be more emotional and to show more excitement”. And blah blah blah. I dunno. Somehow it ended up with him spending the night! GOD, how did that fucking happen?!

So he spent the night and then in the morning we got up and I cooked him breakfast and then we went out shopping for a bed frame for me. Went to Levitz and then Ikea, and we had a really good time. Came home and he left and I sat around for the rest of the afternoon.

Went to Verizon to get a new phone cause they are having an amazing sale. Well I get there and am told that I have to sign up for help? WTF is that? Then I wait for 30 minutes to get someone to even talk to me. Then I’m told that they can’t do ANYTHING because I don’t have a California number. So I get pissed and just leave. Fucking Idiots. So I call the customer service and THEY tell me that they CAN help so I go back in and am told that I’ll have to wait in line AGAIN. So I said SCREW that and left.

Came home and sat around some more then Michael called me, and I went over there and watched Rent. He tried making out with me, but I’m just not into him like that. So I had to tell him to stop. Austin called in there and said he wanted to go out that night. I told him No that I was hanging out with Michael that night. But then Michael wouldn’t stop trying to make out with me, and I got annoyed, plus I wanted to try making up for Friday night. So I left as soon as the movie was over and called Austin… Suddenly he was TOO TIRED. YET ANOTHER LET DOWN. Fucking shit.. I just can’t stop torturing myself, huh? Guess what time he ended up going to bed…. Anyone? Oh! That’s right, 1am! Yep tooooo tired to do anything? Eh?!


So I get up this morning and sit around my house. I went shopping to the Nursery and bought some new plants and some fertalizer for my Hibuscus. Hopefully they will be more happy now.

Came home and there was SHIT on TV. So i read some of my book.

Talked to Austin some more… There I go torturing myself again! I asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch the sunday night line up on Fox, like we’ve done before… Again, maybe to salvage just a little tiny bit of this weekend…

He said, “I dunno”… Which was fine, cause that was a like 1 or something.

So I sat around and watched Stripes which I’ve seen like a million times before. Such a horrible movie.

Anyways, Austin finially gets back to me about this and says that he’s going to go see Brokeback with the guy who was over on Friday when I went over there.

Ugh, very pissed off.. A) Because I’ve asked Austin to go see Brokeback with me like 5 or 6 times, and every time he says he thinks it looks stupid and he doesn’t want to go see it. B) I’m pissed because I wanted to fucking hang out with him.

So now we’ve been fighting for 2 hours now. And he just said:

4:13:25 PM austin: sorry i ruined your life

4:13:55 PM blackc2004: you’ve been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me austin.

4:14:12 PM austin: well sory

4:14:18 PM austin: i’m fucked up and overdramatic

4:14:29 PM blackc2004: I’d agree with that

4:14:45 PM austin: well then i think we’re done here.

4:14:50 PM austin: Goodbye chris

4:14:55 PM blackc2004: done here with what?

4:15:29 PM blackc2004: ……

4:15:42 PM austin: this aweful emotional rollercoaster for u

4:15:44 PM austin: i’m going

4:15:44 PM austin: bye

Now he won’t fucking answer me or his phone.

God damnit… Why can’t I just drop his ass and move on. I know it’s the best thing I should do right now.

I’m going to start applying for jobs out of state again.

Ugh, I forgot to mention ANOTHER let down… On Friday everyone from the SA Team went out drinking together.. No one invited me. I heard them talking about changing the place where they were going to hold it as I was leaving work. That makes me feel really bad.

6 replies on “Always a let down.”

I know you know this, but you should just forget about Austin. It looks like he is toying with you and you are letting him.

I know this is easier said then done, but DELETE him from your computer and your phones and whatver or wherever else you might have him.

There are other boys out there, just try to have patience in finding the right ones.

Thanks Boys…

Why is it that people I’ve never met seem or act like they care about my emotions and well bieng more then anyone else I’ve met since moving to Cali?

Craig, didn’t you used to live here in SoCal? Did you have problems with people like this, or is it just ME!? lol.

Oh, I had the same problem, and it’s part of the reason I moved back to WI. Granted, I made a few close friends out there, ones who would unquestionably let me stay with them as long as I needed if I ever needed help. However, I just find something wrong with the guys out there…whether it’s incredible shallowness, or the inability to commit/wanting random sex only, or emotional immaturity.

I had one boyfriend in the year and a half I was there. For three weeks. And we broke up because he decided that we shouldn’t be together if I didn’t want to come out to the club with him 3 times a week. This was after he told me he “didn’t really go out much.” Cali boys, ya can’t live with ’em, and well…that’s it. Ya can’t live with ’em at all.

Well thank god I’m not the only one then! It’s so true though. You can’t live with ’em at all.

Yeah. Austin said he didn’t go out much. But now it’s turning out that he’s ALWAYS wanting to go to the clubs and shit, and it sounds like before I met him he was the insane little club bunny. Way more then he is now. I dunno why are they all so fucked up like that.

Ugh, I wanna just move back, but then I feel like I’ve been beat. I dunno. 🙁

Oh, see, I never felt like I was beat when I moved back, even though I not only moved back to Wisconsin, but am living with my parents. The whole Cali experience gave me time to find myself, and philosophize (I hope I didn’t just make up that word) on my life, and I discovered that I would really prefer to have my family and close friends I grew up with around me…so moving back wasn’t that tough of a decision. And I don’t regret it one bit. I wouldn’t trade my experiences in LA for anything, but I wouldn’t exactly be in a hurry to live there again anytime soon.

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