My Life Not Published

Ahhhh! Boys!

Ok, when you’re talking to someone….

It’s only NICE and POLITE of you to say “GOODBYE” if you’re going to leave.

8:42:30 AM blackc2004: Ahh… Well thats not TOO bad.

Austin went away (8:44:50 AM)

Away Message: I am away from my computer right now. (8:44:50 AM)

8:48:11 AM blackc2004: BYE

8:48:11 AM Austin: (Autoreply): I am away from my computer right now.

8:50:10 AM Austin:: what

Austin came back (8:50:11 AM)

8:50:25 AM blackc2004: i just HATE it when people go away and don’t say BYE or something

8:50:30 AM Austin:: chris

8:50:33 AM Austin:: we talk online all the time

8:50:43 AM Austin:: does it matter?

8:50:44 AM blackc2004: So, if you go away you should still at least say something

8:50:46 AM blackc2004: yes it does

8:50:47 AM blackc2004: it annoys me

8:50:51 AM Austin:: my away message indicates i’m gone

8:51:04 AM blackc2004: So you can at least finialize the converstation with a “goodbye”

8:51:17 AM Austin:: whatever

8:51:26 AM blackc2004: fine, whatever, goodbye

8:51:26 AM Austin:: you’ve left before

8:51:28 AM Austin:: i don’t wanna hear it

8:51:40 AM Austin:: you’ve done it before chris

8:51:52 AM Austin:: u did it yesterday

8:51:57 AM blackc2004: if I’ve left it’s because someone has COME TO MY DESK and I’m just not touching my computer it and puts up an away message automatically

8:52:02 AM Austin:: well

8:52:10 AM Austin:: GOD

8:52:13 AM Austin:: i don’t even care

8:52:15 AM Austin:: i’m going faxing

8:52:15 AM Austin:: bye

8:52:19 AM blackc2004: fine, bye

8:52:45 AM Austin:: you’re starting to sound a lot like that crazy guy

8:52:59 AM blackc2004: just go fax

8:59:12 AM Austin:: i’m screening the home line, you might wanna leave a message next time

Austin came back (8:59:13 AM)

8:59:20 AM blackc2004: I DID leave a message jack ass

8:59:33 AM Austin:: im talking about the home line – not my cell

9:01:06 AM Austin:: chris

9:01:09 AM Austin:: get over it ok

9:01:26 AM blackc2004: Austin, don’t tell me to get over it… It’s NORMAL CONVERSTATION for someone to say good bye

9:01:33 AM blackc2004: and you BLOCKING me is REAL FUCKING mature


9:01:52 AM blackc2004: NO, you blocked me

9:02:21 AM Austin:: i’m talking about u getting mad the first time today

9:02:45 AM blackc2004: And I’m talking about simply saying… ‘brb” or ‘bye’ it’s 3 letters, and it’s only polite

9:03:12 AM Austin:: 8 minuts

9:03:18 AM Austin:: no

9:03:19 AM Austin:: fuck you

9:03:24 AM Austin:: i’m not doing that for an 8 minute break

9:03:29 AM Austin:: no

9:03:33 AM Austin:: i’m doign any of this bullshit

9:03:39 AM Austin:: your im ediquite

9:03:47 AM Austin:: i’ll elave when i want for however long i want

9:03:50 AM Austin:: and if i don’t wanna talk to u

9:03:51 AM Austin:: i’ll block u

9:04:00 AM Austin:: ok?

9:04:00 AM blackc2004: fine, i’m not going to deal with tha tthen.

9:04:02 AM Austin:: good

9:04:03 AM Austin:: dont

I REALLY don’t need a friend like that. God, why is he being such a FUCKING JERK about this.

GOD. I just don’t know what to fucking do.

8 replies on “Ahhhh! Boys!”

You know I hate it too when someone walks away from a conversation on the messenger or chatrooms and don’t say anything like I’ll be back. I talked to guy once who said he told me, I back tracked through our conversation and I could not find it. He said he told, I’m like whatever.

Maybe you should give him some space. Let him call or come to you when he wants to do something. This way you might know if it is worth it to be with him.

You know, I do that a lot with people.. Just back off, and the reason I DON’T like doing it is because they never come back.

Look at where it got me with Andrew, and Blake, and many other people before them.. All these people who claim they are my best friend. Fuck them all. I just want to cry and just….

God, why does this happen to me

Well, just from an outsider’s view taken only from information gleaned from your lj, I kinda have to say that you’ve had all of this coming. I mean, you continually put yourself in position to have him let you down, and then you get upset when it happens. From what I understand, you enjoy being with him sometimes, but he’s more of a hassle than he’s worth. Yet, you keep giving him chances to prove himself to you, and he fails consistently. Why not just move on?

Everyone always lets me down… I have too high of expectactions for people, I expect them to be as good of friends as I feel that I am to them. Why is it so HARD for your friends to say, “How was your day” or “How are you doing today”, or why is it SO HARD for them to even pretend like they fucking care about YOU rather then just always being about themselves.

I have two or three friends right now, who everytime I talk to them, it’s ALL about them. If I try and bring up something that’s going on in my life and how I’m sad/upset about that, they just stop talking and bring it back to them.

Why not just move on? Because I’m sick of being alone here. I’m in one of the most populas states in the country and yet I can’t find someone who’s actually a freind. I sit at home alone every night. Austin may let me down constatnly, but at least he’s someone to hang out with and do things with. It takes away the lonliness.

But yet, he SAYS he wants to be my friend, he says that he cares about me…. He just never fucking shows it. So one can only assume that he doesn’t actually care.

I care though.. I was just ast his house (to pick something up, he knew I was coming), and there’s some other boy there… He told me he couldn’t do anything this weekend because his cousin was in town… My thoughts can only think that he’s having sex with that boy right now. And that pisses me off so much. Sorry.. I’m blabing now.

Thanks for the comment!

Not to be mean but I do agree with “thewhiteboy”. And I do know how you feel. You say you are afraid if you give them space they do not come back. I know it’s hard, but like I said before, then they are not worth your friendship. Didn’t you go out with some other guys to eat with a couple of weeks ago? What about them?

Let me ask you how long have you been there? It’s might take time to find the right person. Chris, you are young still. Give it time.

You know what is funny, the say Iowa City is the mega gay city in the midwest and that there are alot of gays here. Well I have as to yet to find myself a good friend or a boyfriend.

And I know this is all easy to say. But to do it is quite another story.

I know. I agree with him as well… I agree with both of you.

But, I keep giving them space and then never end up with ANY friends at all!

The other guys I’ve been out with recently have NOT worked well with me. I didn’t enjoy the converstaion or anything with them. At least with Ausitn, we have things to talk about.. Even though we end up fighting so much.

I’ve been here nearly 2 years now. I can’t last here much longer without any REAL close friends. I can’t deal with it.

In Iowa, I had friends… That worked well with me, and I really cared about them alot! Why is it impossible to find anything like that here!

Grrr. :'(

Cj B,

Like I said I do know what you are going through. In my younger days (39 now) I think I was in the same position as you. I think I am an easy person to get along with. I am very open minded and like to do just about anything. But for some reason my so call friends never call me back. I always had to call them.

I have a gay friend who is totally out of the closet (I am semi there) and he is good friend. But it seems like I am always the one calling him, asking him to do something. And then when we do say go to a movie. Well, then he wants to have sex. I told him that he is a friend and I don’t think of him that way. He says he understands, but sometimes I wonder. And that it matters, but use to have sex, and it was good!!

Then I met this other guy in a small town bar. (Gilbertville, where I was the town cop) I open myself up to him and told him I was gay. I took a big chance thingking that he was gay and he was. Although he thinks he is bisexual. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. After the bar was closed we would just say and talk to each other. Hell, one night we even had little sexual encounter. I was so in love with him, I would thing about him all the time, dream about having sex with him. And yes, I would cry myself to sleep at night. But he told me he liked me and everything about me supposely, but he wanted someone close to his age which is 23. I do understand that, but when it comes to love, should it matter? I don’t know.

It took me a year to get over him. And I guess that’s why I have been coming out of the closet more and more. I am thinking if people know that I am gay, then perhaps someone will approach me and say something like: “You wanta go out for coffee or something?” but then again I am just dreaming.

I have balbed on, I just wanted to let you know I know what you are going through and how you feel. If I lived closed to you I would go camping with you. No strings attached. But then again, age may make a difference with you?

Anyway take care.

Thanks for the comment…

I dunno what it is with Austin.. One day I feel like I’m in love with him. Then the next day I’m so pissed off at him that I just don’t want to see him again. Sometimes I feel like I’m pissed off at him because I do love him. But I dunno.

He’s not in it for the sex, we’re not having sex. I tried to get him to have sex last weekend, and he turned it down. He never tries to make out with me, except for that one time and it was just slight kisses on the lips.

I see him with this other guy at his house. And I tell myself they are NOt having sex, but that’s the only thing I can think they are doing. Or that they are laying in his bed cuddling like the does with me. I’m just so jealous. I want him for mine, but at the same time I don’t want him for mine because he’s got all these fucking emotional ups and downs.

Ever since Andrew, I’ve been emotionally distant with everyone. I’ve been easily upset and extremely jeaouls about everything. Wondering what the hell was going to happen with whatever else happens…

And I go on these sites adam4adam and, etc.. And I just don’t want to end up one of those 60 year old guys on there whos begging for/paying for sex. Ya know? I just want that one guy now. I want to go back to Andrew and just live that life we were supposed to have.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.