My Life


So this weekend was horrible, as you’ve probably all already guessed.

I spent a large portion of it in bed, not wanting to get up and just crying.

Why is it that whenever I go out on a limb and plan things in advance with people things always get fucked up. And then I get even more depressed because of the list of things we had talked about doing will never get done now.

– Flying a kite on the beach

– Trip to San Fran

– Trip to Phoenix

– Watching all of Sex and the City

– More roller coasters

And there’s a lot of other things. I actually made alist of all the shit we had talked about doing that will never get done now. :'(

I had this guy Patrick over on Saturday night to hang out. He brought me cookies and food and sad depressing movies. It was nice of him. We watched Finding Neverland and A Walk To Remember. After the second one, I kinda had a major break down. He was very nice and comforting, which was good. It helped. Thank god someone acts like they care, even though I had never met him before.

I still just can’t believe that he’d just walk out of everything. You know? Like I have all these unanswered questions now that will never get answered, and it pisses me off so much. Mainly, what was I to him then? Obviously I wasn’t that great of a friend for him to just walk out on, yet he claimed I was so much. What was Disney then if he has no feelings for me? What were all those times when he’d call me all upset and just wanting to talk for an hour or more. What were those times when he’d come to my house unexpectedly and just want to cuddle and talk. What was it when we’d lay in bed an he’d hold me so close, and kiss my cheak and my back and my hands, what was it? What was it when he was thinking he might have to move to San Diego, and he said, “Well you’ll have to come along obviously, or at least visit every weekend”.

What was all that, if he says he has no feelings for me? He says he likes me, just “Not as boyfriends.” But he doesn’t have a good reason for that. I ask him, he says I’m boring (IE, I don’t dance at the clubs). When I get upset because he’s over generalizing as boring he says that he’s just saying that, he doesn’t mean I’m boring. But then I try and get real reasons out of him and he says, “I don’t have a reason, I just don’t” or “It’s none of your business why”. Excuse me, it is my business why you don’t like me when all you’ve done is acted like you do! Besides, if you don’t like someone like that I think there is ALWAYS a reason why.

Where did I fuck up, where?

I want to know what’s going on with this Orlando guy, I just want to know if they are fucking. Gah.

Sunday I spent the day in bed, being sad and depressed and thinking about what it would take to get a week or two back in Iowa. I wouldn’t want to make it a full vacation, I’d want to keep working while I was there, but I’m not sure if they’d allow me to do that. I could go into Krell or NPHS to get high speed internet, so that’s not an issue. Perhaps I will talk with JP this morning about it.

BTW, there were crazy storms this weekend all around here. It was insane, lots of snow up in the mountians. I want to go play in it. :'(


2 replies on “Snow”

It’s sad you’re thinking about things that’ll never get done now. I think part of the hardest part of getting out of relationships is thinking that you’ll never get to do fun things that the person introduced you to. So it’s okay to still do stuff you did with him. Especially watching Sex in the City, some of it is best after a breakup anyway. Especially with a fresh pan of brownies.

Yeah… It’s just that he provided an outlet to get these things done with. Something that I feel I really need (Mostly the companionship of someone to do it with). San Fran he has family, so we’d have somewhere to stay and someone that knew the area. He’s the first person I’ve ever been on rollercoasters with and the same with Sushi. In such a short amount of time, I shared a lot more with him then I do with most people. (Andrew tried for nearly 2 years to get me to go on rollercoasters!) Apparently opening up too quickly to him though.

I bought him the Sex and the City collectors set about a month ago. For his b-day which is coming up on the 25th. Now I dunno what to do with it!

Brownies do sound really good though!

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