My Life

How I Feel

Ha, I’ve been saving these up from post secret for a while… But they sure explain how I feel right now:

Went to the play today, it was really good. I’d suggest seeing if it you’re in the Orange County area.

Ugh. Black Jettas Everywhere… It’s depressing.

This random guy Jon that I met at the boom last night just e-mailed me.. Said it was nice meeting me, blah blah.

Also had this really cute boy come up and start talking to me like right when I got there and he was being really touchy. But then I had to go meet Joel. Wish I hada stayed around him though. Coulda probably got a good make out. lol.

I’ve been thinking aobut just running back to Iowa for a week. I almost called JP this morning to talk to him about the logistics of working if I did. I feel like I need time back there. This is so horrible.

4 replies on “How I Feel”

You know I feel alot like those sayings up above sometimes too. You are not alone in this Chris. I have been where you are now with Austin and I completely understand. I turn 40 next month and I still feel young, I wish I could find someone to spend some time with.

Maybe you should go home for a little bit, or move to the midwest like you talked about before? Or just bury yourself in your job and try to forget about guys for a little while?

You are a smart, attractive looking guy, you will find someone. You have a better chance than I do and a hell of a bigger state then here in Iowa to go farming for guys. lol….

Hey tom, I went to reply to your comment, but it seems to be missing.

Thanks for the reply though. I know there’s a lot better guys out there for me. But I’m just so lonely here and he and I clicked so well and it’s just so hard for me to take rejection like that. It’s horrible. I just feel like I’m worthless now.

Sorry I deleted it, I do remember you saying something that you are pretty busy sometimes and don’t have time to respond to all the post. I guess I saw you posting other posts and I felt stupid that you did not respond to my, and now that I realize you don’t have too. I just felt stupid so I deleted it.

You know sometimes we fall in love with people like this Austin. But I have to wonder if maybe he planned this a long. It looked liked he was playing mind games with you the whole time. I know you are in love with him and it’s going to be hard to stop thinking about him, but you have to try. I have been there once in my life with a boy too.

Like I said in the post(that I deleted), you are smart, cute, handsome and not a boring person just because you don’t like to dance at the bars. You like to camp, that’s not boring, you like going to movies and spending time with your friends. This is a personal question (and I don’t remember if you ever posted it) but did you ever have sex with him? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too. But because you want to hold out for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, maybe that is something he didn’t like either about you?

Maybe he was in it only for the sex ? I don’t know. All I know is, he is not for you. YOU can FIND a BETTER GUY than him. Just be patient. I know you will think of him all night and day and dream about him when you go to bed and not get very much sleep.


Tom, That’s ok. Sometimes I’m too busy, but this weekend I just really didn’t feel like replying to any comments with a fear that I might say something stupid.

I’m sure going to try, but it’s just so difficult, We had so much in common and we had so much fun and we planned all this stuff to do. It’s just painful to think that all that is gone. It’s the same thing as when Andrew left. We had planned all this stuff and then suddenly my whole life was set upside down. Granted this isn’t as bad, because Ausitn and I weren’t dating and weren’t talking about living together, etc. But still, it’s bad, because I thought I had finally found a real friend here, and maybe someone I could finally start a relationship with. Apparently not.

I did not have sex with him. He kept wanting me to, mostly when he was drunk. But that’s all. I told him from the start that he’d only get sex out of me if things went really well. I think it probably is something he didn’t like about me, but I’m not sure. Who knows really. I don’t know if he is in it just for the sex or not. But you’d think that if he was, all he’d have had to do was to say. “I love you too” and he would have got it. Clearly he didn’t, so I honestly don’t think he’s in it just for that… But he could have been.

He IMed me today and said, “I’m not having sex with orlando and I’d like you to keep him and I out ofyour blog.”

Austin hasn’t read my blog since Feb 15th. I’m not sure why he went to read it now. But it just bothers me that he could be out having sex with him already. Gah! Why can’t live be easier? haha.

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