July 3, 2001 #3

july 3, #2 [smashing pumpkins, "tonight, tonight"] well todays

been weird. i talked to danny, he’s cool with everything, he’s actually seeing

someone else already. lol. yeah, we’re good. i’m still not ready to really

talk to him though, you know on the phone like shit. i don’t really care enough

to though it more it, then i don’t want to. i don’t have the money. i didn’t

sleep at all last night. i’m still kinda in like a shock or something, i dunno.

i hope work today goes well. so i’ll be in a good mood for tonight and shit.

yeah. hehe. good times, good times. some guy’s supposed to be here soon. he’s

going to pay me $50 for fixing a problem old dutch had with some ordering

stuff. it’s cool, $50 for me and all i had to do was type some shit. took

me a week to get it done though. if i had cared though it only would have

taken like an hour maybe. hehe. yeah good times. well i’m going to go now.

i haven’t wondered through the front yard lately, and that looks like fun

right now. laters.

July 2, 2001 #2

july 2, #2 [dropkick murphys, "amazing grace"] ok well we’ll see

how this goes and how well i keep my concentration. yesterday was pretty good.

i went into work about 9:45 so i oculd fill out the papers and such, but she

didn’t have any copies. so i just went to work. i tried clocking in and it

said "this employee has been terminated" and it wouldn’t let me

clock in. damn thing, so i just wrote down my hours. they better have it fixed

by today. i worked, it was work. i was with mandy, brad and sylena most of

the day. they were ok. mandy was getting to me though cause i would keep trying

to explain something to her about how it’s supposed to be done based on what

the home office says, and she just wouldn’t even listen to me, she’d get all

bitchy, and it’s like, yes mandy i realize that different managers do things

differently. but even though you’ve been here longer in the short run of things,

i’ve been here longer in the long run of things. and i know how the store

is supposed to be run, and what is supposed to be done. so yeah, we just stayed

out of each other hair for most of the day. then at 2 sylena and brad left,

so it was just me and mandy. nic and cat were supposed to be in at 3 and mandy

and i were supposed to be off at 5, but cat didn’t show up and nic had just

crossed his hours off and not told anyone and hand’t found anyone to work

for him, so mandy and i were stuck working a 13 and 11 hours shifts, repectivly.

that was not fun. about 9 adam and julian came and got me from work and we

went out. that was fun. i wasn’t in the best of moods last night, but i had

fun. i enjoy being out with people, even when i’m not in a good mood. but

yeah. i dunno. it’s just people have been getting to me lately. like when

i see some cute guy, i’ll say "oh hello" or something like that

and i’ll point him out or something. but ya know that’s as far as it goes.

it’s like hello, cute guy, bubye cute guy, it’s not like i remember them and

obsess over them or anything. but people have been really big jerks about

it lately. like they make comments that all i want is sex and that’s so not

true. what i want now is a bf. i don’t want anything else. sex is millions

of miles down the road. i want someone that’s there that i can talk to, someone

that i can hold thier hand when i go out, someone that i can bring home and

say "hey mom, dad, this is my bf, deal" lol, but really. it’s starting

to get to me how they do that, the whole thing when i point out guys. and

then there’s the whole thing about adam too. i mean i like adam, he’s cute,

he’s funny, he’s what i would want in a bf. but right now we’re just friends.

we hang out. and people have been blowing it way out of porportion. like the

other night when justin was here. i kept wanting to go to the loop, and everyone was like, yeah so you can see adam, and it’s like NO damnit. i want to go

to the loop cause i enjoy hanging out down there, i might not know many people,

but in case you hadn’t noticed, i like to just hang there and watch people.

i don’t get in the conversation i watch it. i watch it develop, i watch where

it’s going, i just watch it and i watch the people. how they act, etc. if

i feel that i have something that will benifit the conversation i’ll interject

it. most of the time i do have something though and i just keep it to myself,

but yeah. i mean. grr. i like adam, i really do like him. but he’s just a

friend and that’s all it’ll be. and people need to realize that.

July 1, 2001

july 1, [enrique englesias, "rythm divine"] well tonight just keeps

gettin better and better. well to start today hasn’t been the greatest. bennett

randomly showed up at my house today, my mom’s been bitchy about shit, and

yeah, not good day. then about 6 or so julian IMed me and we like, dean wants

to come tonight you wanna go pick him up. and i was like sure. but then mandy

and vero showed up here. and mandy started bitching about going to altoona

to pick him up, that just got to me. i was like damnit, if you don’t want

to go we could drop you off somewhere, or you ahve your car here so you don’t

ahve to go. and plus ya know, you’re not driving there so there’s really no

big deal. but yeah, we went to xaks and he was home so we dropped mandy off

there and went to altoona with me jules and vero. we got dean came back and

everyone was waiting at the park, well some people were, the rest of them

had gone to subway to get food. so we had to wait around and wait for them.

that wasn’t to bad, then we went ot kum and go, and i don’t know what all

was up there, but we had to hang around there forever. we ran into link and

he went and got nic then they came back and nic was being weird. i didn’t

really care so i didn’t get into it, it was nic being nic. we finally got

out of polk city at like 8:30 i was angered by that. i was like damnit. lets

go. then we went to ames to see someone that i don’t know, i didn’t really

have a problem with that, but it was mostly a waste of time, cause yeah. but

i could stand it. then we went to java joes. it was good times there. then

we went to the loop, the cops were there cause i guess there was another fight,

so we left and went back to java joes. people have been really gettin on my

nerves lately. especially about adam, tonight i’ve just been like lets go,

lets go, cause i was gettin bored just sittin around and plus mandy was in

a pretty bitchy mood and that just brought me down some and yeah. but yeah

about the whole adam thing. i mean i like him and shit, and i’m planning on

asking him out. but people have just been buggin the crap out of me, it’s

like damnit, just leave it alone. i don’t really care if i have his phone

number, i don’t care if i see him. i wanted to go to the loop to see people.

if he was there, i would have talked to him, but that’s all damnit. grrr.

and then i just got home and danny sent like 3 e-mails to me, they are fucking

ass long and i haven’t read them all but the last one said: "We need

to talk well that is if you actually want to since were not in a fucking relationship

anymore as you say" and it’s like god damnit, i don’t need this tonight.

i want to talk to him, but yeah. not tonight. grrr. there’s so much going

on in my head i need to go to bed now. night all.