Strange Days

So the last couple days have been very strange.

There seems to be a lot of randoms out there IMing me lately, and it’s starting to get very very annoying. Yeah, it’s nice that I have people to talk to online. But many of them are from far away places, and are still in HS, and are thus not really good people to talk to.

And plus, I just want people to hang out with lately. Last night I really wanted to just hang out with someone. And there was this crazy IMing me, and kept blabing about wanting to hook up. I was like, “NO, crazy.”

But eventually I was like, well we can hang out, cause I realy wanted to hang out with someone. So he came over. Very strange person. He only stayed for like 20 minutes or so, we talked about Andrew mostly. And also about Mac’s. Apparently he has one on order. One of the new ones. Hoe.

Then later on Crazies boyfriend IMed me, and we talked computers. Apparetnly he’s a ComE major. Only talked to him for a bit though.

Went and showered cause I”m sure I smelled since I worked out earlier that day and hadn’t showered since before that. Then Gap Boy Imed me and we set a date to go have dinner. So we’re meeting up tomorrow to have dinner and hang out before he has to go to work. I’m very nervous for that. I don’t know what the hell we’re going to talk about all through dinner! Very crazy.

Though I did see him on campus this morning, pushing chairs around. I was riding my bike and had just got done lifting, so all sweaty and the like, so didn’t stop and say HI. Though I’m sure I’ll hear about that later. lol.

Hit bed shortly after that, but only after like 10 other randoms IMed me… All seeming to want into my pants. I don’t get it. I’m really not that cute, and whatever. They’re all crazies. ::whines:: I just want people to hang out with. I need to drop my morals I guess to get that though.

Anyways, got my paper back from my MGMT prof… With this written at the top of it:

Now if someone can tell me what that says… I’ll give them a blowjob.. I mean cookie.
lol.

Yeah, so that’s my life.

Blackburn brought up the unbrandamerica.org website the other day in class. I was excited. Well mostly because I planted a thing on her desk that was the unbrandamerica.org poster and well she read it and actually right there incorporated it into her lecture. She’s such a great prof. I guess she reads Adbusters too. Which is way cool.

Speaking of, I’m reading one of the books for that class, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America. It’s a very scary book, and I really don’t like reading it. Though it just keeps dragging me in more and more. I hope the rest of my selections to read in that class are just as interesting!!

Anyhow… Basically strange days == many people wanting my pants, and me not wanting to give it to them.

I just want my Drew Bear back to protect me. I don’t like singledom.

Missing You……

I miss you. As a boyfriend…. even more as a friend. I want you with me. I want you her

Hold on to love. That is what I do,
Now that I’ve found you.
And from above, everything’s stinking,
Their not around you.

And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything’s complex
There’s nothing simple, when I’m not around you.

But, I miss you when you’re gone.
That is what I do, Bay, Bay, Bay
And it’s going to carry on,
That is what I knew, Bay, Bay, Bay

Hold on to my hand,
I feel me sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything’s stinking
Stinking without you.

And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything’s complex,
There’s nothing simple, when I’m not around you.

And I miss you when you’re gone.
That is what I do, Bay, Bay, Bay
And it’s going to carry on,
That is what I do, Bay, Bay, Bay

A Tramatic Weekend

Ok, well this weekend was very very very emotional for me. All of which was written in a private entry. So you’ll all have to wait at most a year to be able to read about it. So 😛

So yeah, Saturday was spent in my apartment, nearly 5 hours on the phone that day. I didn’t get much done, like I wanted too. I had planned on stay in and getting caught up in all my readings.

Oh well. It was better to be on the phone.

I went home Saturday night, and just sat around and did nothing.

Sunday I got up and got to drive the Cat. That was exciting. We’re building a garage this week, incase no one knew that. Very strange if I do say so myself.

After that went to Beak’s and “fixed” her computer. After that we headed out and spent the day shopping. I got 6 new pairs of boxers. All very cute.

One the shopping was over, they decided not to go to the Drag show and I didn’t want to go alone. So I headed back to Ames, wrote a 6.5 page private entry, and then spent the rest of the night on the phone.

Went to bed about 11:30, after hanging up the full length mirror that I bought at 11. I think the people above me weren’t very happy.

Today I got up, went to class and that hurt like shit. I did 30 minutes on the bike and burned about 200 calories. I wanted to try the eliptical machine, but they were all in use. I then worked my legs and ab’s. I’m up to 96 pounds on the abs and 240 on the legs.

Did my arms, and stuff as well. Which are really starting to hurt. Though I am starting to see a difference in my chest… I was jacking it yesterday and was obviously flexing my muscles, and I could tell a difference. So that’s happy.

I can also REALLy tell on my abs. And my legs too. So that’s good. I just wish that I could drop the fat faster then what I’m doing.

My partner and I talked a lot today as well, which was strange. Normally we don’t talk to much, but we talked about classes and all that.

Ok, well I’m on the phone with Apple and I’m purchasing an Xserve!!! Very exciting for me. So I must break now.

Laters all!

About The Worst Convo…

There are so many things, on so many levels that upset me about this whole thing.

The first level is the whole drinking thing. It really upsets me when he drinks, I don’t know how to explain it, but it really hurts me when he drinks, first off. Secondly I just flat out don’t like people drinking.

I live in a college town, I’ve seen my dad when he was a drunk, I’ve seen what people do when they get drunk, and all the stupid things that they do. And mostly I’ve heard all the stories and the stupid things that he’s done when he gets drunk. I don’t want him to be that, I don’t want him doing those stupid things. He’s too smart for that, and I don’t want to see/hear/know that he’s doing those things. It lowers my view of him. And I don’t want to do that.

Lastly I don’t want him drinking because I just knew that eventually something would happen, something that would hurt me, or him, or even both of us. And I didn’t want to deal with that.

I don’t at all expect him to live by my moral theories, or practices. I just ask that he at least think about me. Just 15 minutes before he started drinking we were talking about how I didn’t want him too. Clearly my opinion had no effect on him. I just think that since we had JUST talked about it, he would think, Maybe I shouldn’t do this. In every relationship/friendship there has to be sacrifices, there has to be something that someone changes.

For me, it’s my constant putting down of him. My, Oh, I bet you’re going to go fuck someone, or make out with someone, etc that I have to change. For him, I ask that he not drink, at least not tell he’s legal. But he’s obviously not willing to do that, and that hurts.

There were so many other levels that it hurt on. That night I called him, because I had just watched a very moving movie, another one of those, OMG the world almost ended, I want to tell the person that I love, how much I love them type of movies. All I wanted to do was call him, say hey. Have him tell me that he’s having a great time at the party and to tell him that I missed him.

Instead I got something horribly different. I got a drunk Andrew, something I never want to talk to again. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him, because he hurt me to much. Just hearing him, within 5 seconds of him answering the phone, I KNEW that he was drunk off his ass. Later he claimed that he had just had a little bit, but he didn’t. And that hurt even more. Maybe I’m just being a bitch. But that’s my opinion.

I ended it quickly, cause I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I went to bed, at least tried to. But I just laid there thinking. Had he drank before and just not told me about it. Was it just luck that I caught him this time. I turned into Adam and I hate that I did. But I had to call him. I had to know.

I asked, he said no. That he hadn’t. So I believed him. I still didn’t want to talk to him though, so it was again a short conversation. After that I again tried to go to bed.

He called a little after that, and apologized. He said he was sorry and that he really loved me and he missed me so much. I guess he really didn’t miss me or love me enough though.

I went to bed after that, very pissed at him. Though I still loved him, and I did miss him and I believed that he missed and loved me as much as he said that he did. I laid in bed that night, and I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was him sitting in someone’s room drinking, getting drunk. Wondering if he went and drank more after we talked, or what he was doing.

I finally got to sleep, but it wasn’t a very good sleep, I kept waking up and having horrible thoughts. I got up the next morning and just sat around here waiting for him to call me.

I knew it was going to be a really bad talk. I never imagined how bad it would be. It ended up being the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have in my life. Worse then the time that Adam broke up with me. Worse then the time that I broke up with Adam. Worse then anything else I’ve ever had to do.

He finally called, and it started. We talked about his drinking, and he argued with me forever that he could drink responsibly, that he didn’t need someone to protect him from drinking and that he didn’t need to live by someone else’s morals. He told me that he’d never do anything wrong, or bad. All of which we’re lies.

He told me how he didn’t understand how I could be so mad about it, and that he didn’t want it to be a problem when he goes out and drinks again.

The whole time I just wanted to scream at him, and tell him how much it hurts to see him drink, and how much I wanted to just tell him that if he keeps drinking, I can’t keep talking to him. That I can’t keep caring about him. I just can’t.

After what I think was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. We were finished with talking about that, and there was silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wanted to hang up because I was still mad at him for that. I didn’t want to keep talking to him because I didn’t know what I should say to someone who hurt me so much. There was silence. And he started crying.

He said something, and I couldn’t understand what he was saying because he was crying to much, so I asked him to repeat it. He said it again and I still couldn’t understand, but I caught one word… Kissed

I knew what he said then, but I had to hear him say it again. I asked him to repeat it again and he said that someone kissed him. Exactly, I knew it. At that moment in time, I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to pull another Adam and scream at him and say, HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I wanted to call him a fucking ass hole, and hang up on him. I felt like my chest was ripped open, and my heart ripped out. I felt like someone cut my throght, but only enough so that I had to suffer and bleed to death slowly.

He told me the story, and my mind, being as demonic as it is, just wanted more details. How long, where at, was there tounge, etc, etc. He told me, he cried. He apologized. He told me how it didn’t mean anything, and how he wanted it to stop.

All I could think was, why didn’t you tell him to stop. Why didn’t you get up and leave. Why did you end up with him alone, where this could happen.

He told me that the whole time he just wanted it to be me, that he just pretended that it was me. All I could think was, Well it wasn’t me. And saying that you wanted it to be doesn’t make it better, or right

He told me that the whole time he was telling him about me, how great of a guy I was, how I was such a great boyfriend, etc. That just made it worse for me. With him telling me that I was so pissed off at this other guy then. That I wanted to go punch him in the face. After I punched Andrew in the face. I wanted to scream at him and ask him how he could do this to someone when they’re telling you about this great guy they had. How could someone do that? How could Andrew do this to me?

HOW?

I hate to admit it, but, when he left here. I knew that eventually something would happen, so this wasn’t as big of a surprise. But it still hurts so much, and what makes it hurt FAR MORE is that he keeps telling me how much he loves me. And again, JUST THAT AFTERNOON he asked me to move closed to OC when I came to Cali. Because he wanted me closer. Then he goes out and makes out with someone else? HOW HOW HOW?

How can that be showing me that he loves me? How can that me showing that you care for me? How can this be anything?

I admit that technically he didn’t do anything wrong. So I think that’s why I’m being more forgiving for it then I should really be. But I’m going to talk about that later.

After hearing about it all, I just wanted to do something to get back at him. To make him feel what I was feeling. But I know that won’t help any. So I won’t. I know that I love him, and I don’t have to go make out with someone else to realize that. And I don’t have to have a temporary boyfriend well he’s not here. I can live with being single for a few months. I did it for 18 years.
And now that I know there’s one boy out there that I care for so much. Why would I want to try dating anyone else. Not until I know if things will work out. And also, why start anything here, when I know that I’m moving in a 8 months or something.

He kept apologizing, and I said that I would forgive him, if he forgave himself. But what I really wanted was a guarantee that he wouldn’t drink again. I trust that he wouldn’t do this sober. But obviously I can’t trust him when he’s drunk.

And now this is what’s pissing me off even more. He STILL doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to drink. I’m so frustrated because there’s nothing else that I can say to him to convey my opinion and why I don’t want him to drink. He admitted himself that this WOULDN’T have happened if he hadn’t been drinking. But still he doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to drink? How can this be?

It’s not like I’m asking him to NEVER drink again. I’m asking him not to drink for the rest of this semester, I’m asking that if he does drink, he drinks at someone’s house (Not on CAMPUS!) with a small group of friends and that he stay there, away from places where the temptation to do this is at, away from where the possibility of him being busted is. Away from all of that; with people who will protect him. I just want to know that he’s safe, that’s my top priority. I don’t want him hurt, and I don’t want to have him call my crying because something horrible happened.

We eventually got past talking about it, and he told me that he was scared. I was so confused as to what he would be scared about, and at first he really wouldn’t tell me. He did tell me though. He said that he’s scared that I may be the one. And that touched me so much. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to scream out that I’d been thinking the same thing. Ever since New Jersey, and some before that. I had been wondering if perhaps he was, if he could be the person that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. And that scares me too. But I’ve been putting if off thinking about it. Because we’ve only had 4 months together.

But in then end. I do wonder. I told him not to be scared. He’s to young to think about that, and if/when we get back together. Then we’ll see where things go, and if we both still feel that way. But it made me feel really good because at least I knew that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

In then end of it all. This would be so much easier, if one of two things happened. We would have just ended it, and not talked so much, or the thing I want to happen more, is if we give the long distance relationship a go. I just think things would be so much easier, because in times like this there would be a clear cut path, I would know exactly what I’m supposed to do. I would have to break up with him, and it’d be a bad breakup, thus ending feelings.

But the way that things are, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Right now I feel like he’s cheated on me, but I know that I can’t and I know that I shouldn’t because technically he didn’t cheat on me. But I do feel like he did. And that is hard.

Normally for me, it’s very easy for me to separate what I believe, and how I’m supposed to feel. IE, Abortion. I believe that it’s wrong, but I feel that it’s right (Meaning I support abortion, even though I think that it’s the wrong choice to make). But in this situation it’s so hard for me to do that.

It’s so hard for me to separate what I’m supposed to feel, and that I do feel. I guess that’s all I can really say on this topic. I just think that it would be easier if we were still together, or if we just ended everything. Though the latter is not at all what I want.

I know that it’s just hard yet because of the way that things did end, and the way that we still talk to each other.

We talked for nearly 5 hours yesterday. And even though it was mostly a sad talk. There was some good to come of it. I know that he still cares for me and I know how much. I believe that he’ll never do this to me again. At least not soberly. It reaffirms that I’m doing the right thing by moving out to Cali, and by accepting when he asked me to move closer to him when I do make the move.

It made me feel good to know that he felt he could tell him about this. Even though it has caused a lot of talking, and crying over the whole situation. He more then I have. Which again makes me believe how he feels.

Right now more then anything I want him back here. I want to hold him tonight so that I know it’s all true, that he does still care for me the way he says. I want him to be here and call me Topher man.

I want him to be here and tell me that he loves me, and I want to drive around and hold his hand. I want to walk through the mall and hold his hand, and kiss him. I want him to be there to tell me that the boxers I’m getting are really cute. I him to be there so that when other people are showing affection. I don’t have to be pissed at them, and can just show my affection to him.

I want him to be back here, so that I can call him my ‘Drew Bear, so that I can tell him he still means so much to me. I want to tell him how much I want him to make love to me again. I want to lay there in bed and kiss him, and hold him through the night.

We talked about how nice it’d be to have him fly here, or me fly there. And I really wish that it was feasible. I sit at work, wishing that when I get home, he’ll be there sitting on my couch watching TV, that we can go out at night, or just stay in and watch a movie. I sit in class in the afternoons wishing that he’d call me and say, Can you pick me up at the airport.

I sit at night, waiting to hear a knock on my door, or the key in the lock. I wait and wait, and it never happens.

I hope that every day I work that the nice secretary will come back with a vase of flowers, and be like, who sent those to you? and I can say… The most wonderful boy in the world.

I come home and check my mail. Hoping there will be a letter from him, with something cute in it.

I still have hope that something will happen.

In closing, I guess I want to say that it’s his life and what he did wasn’t really wrong per-say. Though it still hurt. I know that we’ll get over it, and no matter what happens, we will stay friends. Friends date other people, and they make out with other people. What happens regarding relationship in the future is something that will have to happen in the future. And we’ll just have to live and see how things go over Christmas.

I really miss him, and I’m sad that this had to happen, but everything will eventually be alright. I know it will be.

Stupidest Person Alive or SPA

That is me. I am the stupidest person alive.

Here’s the story.

So last night, I spent some time in my room, talkig on the phone to Chris. We had a really good talk, and I explained to him what my plans are for the next few years. Right now, they include staying at Chapman all of this year. Next summer, Chris will move here (Somewhere in Orange County, or a little further, but still within 30-40 minutes). Next year, I will be an RA in either Henley or Pralle, which means that I won’t have to pay for housing, AND I will get my ownroom, so Chris can stay over whenever I want him to. And hopefully with the extra money I can get a car, so I can visit him when I want to as well. That year I MAY study abroad.. but now I’m thinking that I might do that junior year instead and just try to take more major classes next year… that way I can do the RA thing and save money… but if I don’t get the RA job, then I’ll want to go. So I’m sure I’ll just apply for it all. So the year after that I will get an apartment with some people (potentially Chris, but also potentially Matt and Ross or someone) and then keep going to Chapman. I’ll go there until I graduate, start spending the summers here and working…. my plan stops right after graduation where I have no clue what happens next.

So Chris and I talked about that a lot… I asked him if I wanted him to try and move closer to OC if he would. He said if I asked him. So I asked him, “If I stay at Chapman next year, will you move closer to OC?” and he said, “Yes.” So that was really sweet and I was really happy about that and he was really touched as well. It feels good to at least have a semi-plan. Now if only I could declare a fucking major. I apologize in advance for all the swearing that this may contain.
So that was a good talk, and we also talked about how GB (Gap Boy) invited Chris to a party but he didn’t want to go b/c there was going to be underage drinking there.

So we talked about that for a few minutes. Who knew it would end up to be very ironic that we had that talk..

So then we broke and I went down to Natalie’s room to meet up with everyone. I didn’t know that they had any alcohol, but apparently they had a lot. So I had 3 Smirnoffs and 2 shots of something. So after that, everyone was just drinking and we were having a good time. The stuff in between is not important… perhaps it will go in a public entry… foam party, yippity yap, we did lots of random shit, going to the bathroom in the women’s room, and the fat girl that tried to get on me.

So after awhile, I went to change b/c I was all wet from the foam… after that I went to Robin’s room, where Allison and all the gay men were. So we all hung out there, and everything started b/c Asian Alan was drinking and he’s like “I always get red when I drink.” So I related that Margaret Cho part where she’s like “Do you have a sunburn?” “No, I’m fucked up” And he thought that was funny and we talked about how great the Choster is. So then I was like “Yeah I saw her live and I met her” and he’s like “no you didn’t” and I was like “I’ll prove it…” So we went to my room, just the 2 of us and I showed him the pic of Margaret. So we were hanging out and just talking, Chris called and I could tell her was upset with me for being drunk. I told him I would call him tomorrow and then after we got off the phone, I talked Alan’s ear off about Chris. Then Chris called again and asked if I had lied about being drunk any other times. I told him no, we talked for another second or two, and then he was gone again and I felt really bad again. So Alan and I kept talking, then my roommates all came home … Kyle with his girlfriend, Danny with 3 of his HS friends. So they were like “Did you drink?” and I was like “Uhhh…..maybe a little.” So then I was embarassed so me and Alan left. He was like “Let’s hang out in my room” so I’m just like “uhhh ok, but I want to find Allison” and he’s like “We will, don’t worry.” I’m like “ok.” So we went in there… to make a long story short, we were just talking and the next thing I knew he was on top of me and he kissed me. He stopped after a second or two… and I started talking about how wonderful Chris was and how he would send me flowers and when he decorated my car for me, and how absolutely sweet he was the best guy I ever dated. Except in between me talking, Alan kept kissing me. This went on, not for too long. Maybe 15 minutes at tops. He just got off eventually and sat and talked to me. And I felt horrible. Horrible b/c of what just happened, horrible b/c of what I did, horrible b/c of everything. And I felt bad too b/c Alan was like “Would that have happened if you weren’t drunk?” and I said flat out NO. I never would’ve done that. I just want to cry. Thank God Kyle’s in the shower in case I want to.

So that’s what happened. Oh I forgot. In between that, before this I had to pee. So I called Chris while I was in the bathroom and tried to talk to him. He still seemed mad, and I didn’t want him to be.

Flash forward to this morning. I wanted desperately to call Chris. I finally did, around 10 something, and we ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. It was a bad talk. Though I’m more upset b/c Chris said it was the worst conversation he had ever had in his life. That really upset me and I cried as I read it.

So I called him… we at first talked about the whole drunk thing. I got very defensive and was telling him that I don’t need to live by anyone else’s morals except my own. He got mad at that, and told me that if I really cared I would think about what he thought, and that I obviously didn’t care about him enough to stop myself from drinking and all this stuff. It was a sad talk, and it upset me for several reasons. One is that I don’t want to hurt him, but I didnt’ feel like he understood that it was MY life. Two is that it was causing me much added stress which I couldnt’ deal with. And three, I had something that I was much more upset about. So I was sitting there, we were talking, and then there was silence. I started to cry, b/c in my head I was replaying what happened with me and Alan and I was so upset and I was so mad at myself for it happening. And I knew that I had to tell Chris. If I had kept it in, and he found out later (which he invariably would, b/c I wouldn’t be able to keep it in forever) I figured things would be much worse. So I just decided to tell him. I was crying and just said “Someone kissed me.” And he was like “Did you say kiss?” and I was like “yeah” through my tears…. and then I knew that there was going to be a big tear explosion, so I told him to hold on while I went outside by the Henley gym and just started bawling. I explained the entire story to him, and he started crying. I was so upset… still am. I cannot believe I was stupid enough to do something like that to such a great guy. Granted, we are not dating at this point…. but still, we both know that we are both still emotionally attached. So it was just a bad idea… I felt better for telling him.. but I was just so upset and I couldn’t stop crying. He doesn’t deserve this.. he doesn’t deserve someone who would do something like this to him. He should have someone who treats him right. It was so sad, we were both just there, crying and I felt so fucking stupid for what I did. When I was with Alan, I just wanted so badly for it to be Chris, I was seriously imagining that it was Chris when he was kissing me. But it didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel anything. I just wanted my Topher. I wanted him so bad. It isn’t fucking fair.

We kept talking, it seemed to just get worse. I just cried harder and he cried, and I felt worse and worse and worse. How can I do that to someone I love? I don’t fucking know. This entry is horrible.. I can’t even explain how terrible I feel for doing this. The good part was that Chris said he would be able to forgive me as soon as I forgave myself. I don’t know when that will be… I plan on feeling guilty for awhile. But I was so happy that he said he would forgive me. He said that if it happens again, then that is it for us. Honestly, a random hook up that I only do b/c I’m horny is not worth losing the greatest guy I’ve ever met. Nothing is fucking worth it. He kept saying that everything would be alright. I hope it is. I really do. I didn’t want to do this to him, I didn’t ever want to make him feel this way. I didn’t want him to feel that any talk with me was the worst talk he’s ever had in his life. I wasn’t supposed to make him feel this way. I am supposed to make him feel good, bring him up… not tear him down w/ my stupidness. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stop telling him how sorry I am and how much I loved him. I love him so much.

That’s how we also got on another subject. I explained to him that I’m scared. Scared b/c I think he might be “The One.” It’s so fucking scary. But at the same time, I just want it to be. I feel that if we date again, we will probably not break up. I told him how he is the type of guy you marry… you don’t just hook up with Topher.. you bring him home to Mom, cook him dinner, and love him like he should be loved. You don’t fucking make out with some guy that you don’t know very well and fuck up everything. That’s why I think someone else out there is more deserving of him. He said that he felt the same way too though. So that made me feel good, at least I’m not a freak. I guess we will work it out if it truly is meant to be. But I think it could be. And at this age, it’s so scary. But he’s everything I want in a guy plus more. Smart, sexy, funny, worldly, caring… I miss him so fucking much.

I want to call him now… we talked one other time after this, just online.. and things seemed better. But I had a little breakdown in the gym while listening ot “Saving Grace” so that was bad. And then again upon seeing his entry. And I just want to have one now… no one’s in the room, apparently no one wants to hang out with me.. I think I’m just gonna call him. I wanted to see him so bad. This was something I would’ve wanted to tell him in person.. so I could hold him and explain to him just how sorry I am. I want to go to Iowa. I want to see him again, hug him, whisper that I love him and that I am so sorry for hurting him and that I never want to hurt him again. I want to tell him that he’s my best friend and that he’s always there for me, and that he means so much to me. I want to tell him all this.. but I want to do it while holding him. I want him to be here, so on nights like this when I don’t feel like doing anything, I can be with him and just sit and watch TV and hold
each other and kiss and laugh and fall asleep together. I’m gonna call him.