That is me. I am the stupidest person alive.
Here’s the story.
So last night, I spent some time in my room, talkig on the phone to Chris. We had a really good talk, and I explained to him what my plans are for the next few years. Right now, they include staying at Chapman all of this year. Next summer, Chris will move here (Somewhere in Orange County, or a little further, but still within 30-40 minutes). Next year, I will be an RA in either Henley or Pralle, which means that I won’t have to pay for housing, AND I will get my ownroom, so Chris can stay over whenever I want him to. And hopefully with the extra money I can get a car, so I can visit him when I want to as well. That year I MAY study abroad.. but now I’m thinking that I might do that junior year instead and just try to take more major classes next year… that way I can do the RA thing and save money… but if I don’t get the RA job, then I’ll want to go. So I’m sure I’ll just apply for it all. So the year after that I will get an apartment with some people (potentially Chris, but also potentially Matt and Ross or someone) and then keep going to Chapman. I’ll go there until I graduate, start spending the summers here and working…. my plan stops right after graduation where I have no clue what happens next.
So Chris and I talked about that a lot… I asked him if I wanted him to try and move closer to OC if he would. He said if I asked him. So I asked him, “If I stay at Chapman next year, will you move closer to OC?” and he said, “Yes.” So that was really sweet and I was really happy about that and he was really touched as well. It feels good to at least have a semi-plan. Now if only I could declare a fucking major. I apologize in advance for all the swearing that this may contain.
So that was a good talk, and we also talked about how GB (Gap Boy) invited Chris to a party but he didn’t want to go b/c there was going to be underage drinking there.
So we talked about that for a few minutes. Who knew it would end up to be very ironic that we had that talk..
So then we broke and I went down to Natalie’s room to meet up with everyone. I didn’t know that they had any alcohol, but apparently they had a lot. So I had 3 Smirnoffs and 2 shots of something. So after that, everyone was just drinking and we were having a good time. The stuff in between is not important… perhaps it will go in a public entry… foam party, yippity yap, we did lots of random shit, going to the bathroom in the women’s room, and the fat girl that tried to get on me.
So after awhile, I went to change b/c I was all wet from the foam… after that I went to Robin’s room, where Allison and all the gay men were. So we all hung out there, and everything started b/c Asian Alan was drinking and he’s like “I always get red when I drink.” So I related that Margaret Cho part where she’s like “Do you have a sunburn?” “No, I’m fucked up” And he thought that was funny and we talked about how great the Choster is. So then I was like “Yeah I saw her live and I met her” and he’s like “no you didn’t” and I was like “I’ll prove it…” So we went to my room, just the 2 of us and I showed him the pic of Margaret. So we were hanging out and just talking, Chris called and I could tell her was upset with me for being drunk. I told him I would call him tomorrow and then after we got off the phone, I talked Alan’s ear off about Chris. Then Chris called again and asked if I had lied about being drunk any other times. I told him no, we talked for another second or two, and then he was gone again and I felt really bad again. So Alan and I kept talking, then my roommates all came home … Kyle with his girlfriend, Danny with 3 of his HS friends. So they were like “Did you drink?” and I was like “Uhhh…..maybe a little.” So then I was embarassed so me and Alan left. He was like “Let’s hang out in my room” so I’m just like “uhhh ok, but I want to find Allison” and he’s like “We will, don’t worry.” I’m like “ok.” So we went in there… to make a long story short, we were just talking and the next thing I knew he was on top of me and he kissed me. He stopped after a second or two… and I started talking about how wonderful Chris was and how he would send me flowers and when he decorated my car for me, and how absolutely sweet he was the best guy I ever dated. Except in between me talking, Alan kept kissing me. This went on, not for too long. Maybe 15 minutes at tops. He just got off eventually and sat and talked to me. And I felt horrible. Horrible b/c of what just happened, horrible b/c of what I did, horrible b/c of everything. And I felt bad too b/c Alan was like “Would that have happened if you weren’t drunk?” and I said flat out NO. I never would’ve done that. I just want to cry. Thank God Kyle’s in the shower in case I want to.
So that’s what happened. Oh I forgot. In between that, before this I had to pee. So I called Chris while I was in the bathroom and tried to talk to him. He still seemed mad, and I didn’t want him to be.
Flash forward to this morning. I wanted desperately to call Chris. I finally did, around 10 something, and we ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. It was a bad talk. Though I’m more upset b/c Chris said it was the worst conversation he had ever had in his life. That really upset me and I cried as I read it.
So I called him… we at first talked about the whole drunk thing. I got very defensive and was telling him that I don’t need to live by anyone else’s morals except my own. He got mad at that, and told me that if I really cared I would think about what he thought, and that I obviously didn’t care about him enough to stop myself from drinking and all this stuff. It was a sad talk, and it upset me for several reasons. One is that I don’t want to hurt him, but I didnt’ feel like he understood that it was MY life. Two is that it was causing me much added stress which I couldnt’ deal with. And three, I had something that I was much more upset about. So I was sitting there, we were talking, and then there was silence. I started to cry, b/c in my head I was replaying what happened with me and Alan and I was so upset and I was so mad at myself for it happening. And I knew that I had to tell Chris. If I had kept it in, and he found out later (which he invariably would, b/c I wouldn’t be able to keep it in forever) I figured things would be much worse. So I just decided to tell him. I was crying and just said “Someone kissed me.” And he was like “Did you say kiss?” and I was like “yeah” through my tears…. and then I knew that there was going to be a big tear explosion, so I told him to hold on while I went outside by the Henley gym and just started bawling. I explained the entire story to him, and he started crying. I was so upset… still am. I cannot believe I was stupid enough to do something like that to such a great guy. Granted, we are not dating at this point…. but still, we both know that we are both still emotionally attached. So it was just a bad idea… I felt better for telling him.. but I was just so upset and I couldn’t stop crying. He doesn’t deserve this.. he doesn’t deserve someone who would do something like this to him. He should have someone who treats him right. It was so sad, we were both just there, crying and I felt so fucking stupid for what I did. When I was with Alan, I just wanted so badly for it to be Chris, I was seriously imagining that it was Chris when he was kissing me. But it didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel anything. I just wanted my Topher. I wanted him so bad. It isn’t fucking fair.
We kept talking, it seemed to just get worse. I just cried harder and he cried, and I felt worse and worse and worse. How can I do that to someone I love? I don’t fucking know. This entry is horrible.. I can’t even explain how terrible I feel for doing this. The good part was that Chris said he would be able to forgive me as soon as I forgave myself. I don’t know when that will be… I plan on feeling guilty for awhile. But I was so happy that he said he would forgive me. He said that if it happens again, then that is it for us. Honestly, a random hook up that I only do b/c I’m horny is not worth losing the greatest guy I’ve ever met. Nothing is fucking worth it. He kept saying that everything would be alright. I hope it is. I really do. I didn’t want to do this to him, I didn’t ever want to make him feel this way. I didn’t want him to feel that any talk with me was the worst talk he’s ever had in his life. I wasn’t supposed to make him feel this way. I am supposed to make him feel good, bring him up… not tear him down w/ my stupidness. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stop telling him how sorry I am and how much I loved him. I love him so much.
That’s how we also got on another subject. I explained to him that I’m scared. Scared b/c I think he might be “The One.” It’s so fucking scary. But at the same time, I just want it to be. I feel that if we date again, we will probably not break up. I told him how he is the type of guy you marry… you don’t just hook up with Topher.. you bring him home to Mom, cook him dinner, and love him like he should be loved. You don’t fucking make out with some guy that you don’t know very well and fuck up everything. That’s why I think someone else out there is more deserving of him. He said that he felt the same way too though. So that made me feel good, at least I’m not a freak. I guess we will work it out if it truly is meant to be. But I think it could be. And at this age, it’s so scary. But he’s everything I want in a guy plus more. Smart, sexy, funny, worldly, caring… I miss him so fucking much.
I want to call him now… we talked one other time after this, just online.. and things seemed better. But I had a little breakdown in the gym while listening ot “Saving Grace” so that was bad. And then again upon seeing his entry. And I just want to have one now… no one’s in the room, apparently no one wants to hang out with me.. I think I’m just gonna call him. I wanted to see him so bad. This was something I would’ve wanted to tell him in person.. so I could hold him and explain to him just how sorry I am. I want to go to Iowa. I want to see him again, hug him, whisper that I love him and that I am so sorry for hurting him and that I never want to hurt him again. I want to tell him that he’s my best friend and that he’s always there for me, and that he means so much to me. I want to tell him all this.. but I want to do it while holding him. I want him to be here, so on nights like this when I don’t feel like doing anything, I can be with him and just sit and watch TV and hold
each other and kiss and laugh and fall asleep together. I’m gonna call him.