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About The Worst Convo…

There are so many things, on so many levels that upset me about this whole thing.

The first level is the whole drinking thing. It really upsets me when he drinks, I don’t know how to explain it, but it really hurts me when he drinks, first off. Secondly I just flat out don’t like people drinking.

I live in a college town, I’ve seen my dad when he was a drunk, I’ve seen what people do when they get drunk, and all the stupid things that they do. And mostly I’ve heard all the stories and the stupid things that he’s done when he gets drunk. I don’t want him to be that, I don’t want him doing those stupid things. He’s too smart for that, and I don’t want to see/hear/know that he’s doing those things. It lowers my view of him. And I don’t want to do that.

Lastly I don’t want him drinking because I just knew that eventually something would happen, something that would hurt me, or him, or even both of us. And I didn’t want to deal with that.

I don’t at all expect him to live by my moral theories, or practices. I just ask that he at least think about me. Just 15 minutes before he started drinking we were talking about how I didn’t want him too. Clearly my opinion had no effect on him. I just think that since we had JUST talked about it, he would think, Maybe I shouldn’t do this. In every relationship/friendship there has to be sacrifices, there has to be something that someone changes.

For me, it’s my constant putting down of him. My, Oh, I bet you’re going to go fuck someone, or make out with someone, etc that I have to change. For him, I ask that he not drink, at least not tell he’s legal. But he’s obviously not willing to do that, and that hurts.

There were so many other levels that it hurt on. That night I called him, because I had just watched a very moving movie, another one of those, OMG the world almost ended, I want to tell the person that I love, how much I love them type of movies. All I wanted to do was call him, say hey. Have him tell me that he’s having a great time at the party and to tell him that I missed him.

Instead I got something horribly different. I got a drunk Andrew, something I never want to talk to again. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him, because he hurt me to much. Just hearing him, within 5 seconds of him answering the phone, I KNEW that he was drunk off his ass. Later he claimed that he had just had a little bit, but he didn’t. And that hurt even more. Maybe I’m just being a bitch. But that’s my opinion.

I ended it quickly, cause I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I went to bed, at least tried to. But I just laid there thinking. Had he drank before and just not told me about it. Was it just luck that I caught him this time. I turned into Adam and I hate that I did. But I had to call him. I had to know.

I asked, he said no. That he hadn’t. So I believed him. I still didn’t want to talk to him though, so it was again a short conversation. After that I again tried to go to bed.

He called a little after that, and apologized. He said he was sorry and that he really loved me and he missed me so much. I guess he really didn’t miss me or love me enough though.

I went to bed after that, very pissed at him. Though I still loved him, and I did miss him and I believed that he missed and loved me as much as he said that he did. I laid in bed that night, and I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was him sitting in someone’s room drinking, getting drunk. Wondering if he went and drank more after we talked, or what he was doing.

I finally got to sleep, but it wasn’t a very good sleep, I kept waking up and having horrible thoughts. I got up the next morning and just sat around here waiting for him to call me.

I knew it was going to be a really bad talk. I never imagined how bad it would be. It ended up being the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have in my life. Worse then the time that Adam broke up with me. Worse then the time that I broke up with Adam. Worse then anything else I’ve ever had to do.

He finally called, and it started. We talked about his drinking, and he argued with me forever that he could drink responsibly, that he didn’t need someone to protect him from drinking and that he didn’t need to live by someone else’s morals. He told me that he’d never do anything wrong, or bad. All of which we’re lies.

He told me how he didn’t understand how I could be so mad about it, and that he didn’t want it to be a problem when he goes out and drinks again.

The whole time I just wanted to scream at him, and tell him how much it hurts to see him drink, and how much I wanted to just tell him that if he keeps drinking, I can’t keep talking to him. That I can’t keep caring about him. I just can’t.

After what I think was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. We were finished with talking about that, and there was silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wanted to hang up because I was still mad at him for that. I didn’t want to keep talking to him because I didn’t know what I should say to someone who hurt me so much. There was silence. And he started crying.

He said something, and I couldn’t understand what he was saying because he was crying to much, so I asked him to repeat it. He said it again and I still couldn’t understand, but I caught one word… Kissed

I knew what he said then, but I had to hear him say it again. I asked him to repeat it again and he said that someone kissed him. Exactly, I knew it. At that moment in time, I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to pull another Adam and scream at him and say, HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I wanted to call him a fucking ass hole, and hang up on him. I felt like my chest was ripped open, and my heart ripped out. I felt like someone cut my throght, but only enough so that I had to suffer and bleed to death slowly.

He told me the story, and my mind, being as demonic as it is, just wanted more details. How long, where at, was there tounge, etc, etc. He told me, he cried. He apologized. He told me how it didn’t mean anything, and how he wanted it to stop.

All I could think was, why didn’t you tell him to stop. Why didn’t you get up and leave. Why did you end up with him alone, where this could happen.

He told me that the whole time he just wanted it to be me, that he just pretended that it was me. All I could think was, Well it wasn’t me. And saying that you wanted it to be doesn’t make it better, or right

He told me that the whole time he was telling him about me, how great of a guy I was, how I was such a great boyfriend, etc. That just made it worse for me. With him telling me that I was so pissed off at this other guy then. That I wanted to go punch him in the face. After I punched Andrew in the face. I wanted to scream at him and ask him how he could do this to someone when they’re telling you about this great guy they had. How could someone do that? How could Andrew do this to me?

HOW?

I hate to admit it, but, when he left here. I knew that eventually something would happen, so this wasn’t as big of a surprise. But it still hurts so much, and what makes it hurt FAR MORE is that he keeps telling me how much he loves me. And again, JUST THAT AFTERNOON he asked me to move closed to OC when I came to Cali. Because he wanted me closer. Then he goes out and makes out with someone else? HOW HOW HOW?

How can that be showing me that he loves me? How can that me showing that you care for me? How can this be anything?

I admit that technically he didn’t do anything wrong. So I think that’s why I’m being more forgiving for it then I should really be. But I’m going to talk about that later.

After hearing about it all, I just wanted to do something to get back at him. To make him feel what I was feeling. But I know that won’t help any. So I won’t. I know that I love him, and I don’t have to go make out with someone else to realize that. And I don’t have to have a temporary boyfriend well he’s not here. I can live with being single for a few months. I did it for 18 years.
And now that I know there’s one boy out there that I care for so much. Why would I want to try dating anyone else. Not until I know if things will work out. And also, why start anything here, when I know that I’m moving in a 8 months or something.

He kept apologizing, and I said that I would forgive him, if he forgave himself. But what I really wanted was a guarantee that he wouldn’t drink again. I trust that he wouldn’t do this sober. But obviously I can’t trust him when he’s drunk.

And now this is what’s pissing me off even more. He STILL doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to drink. I’m so frustrated because there’s nothing else that I can say to him to convey my opinion and why I don’t want him to drink. He admitted himself that this WOULDN’T have happened if he hadn’t been drinking. But still he doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to drink? How can this be?

It’s not like I’m asking him to NEVER drink again. I’m asking him not to drink for the rest of this semester, I’m asking that if he does drink, he drinks at someone’s house (Not on CAMPUS!) with a small group of friends and that he stay there, away from places where the temptation to do this is at, away from where the possibility of him being busted is. Away from all of that; with people who will protect him. I just want to know that he’s safe, that’s my top priority. I don’t want him hurt, and I don’t want to have him call my crying because something horrible happened.

We eventually got past talking about it, and he told me that he was scared. I was so confused as to what he would be scared about, and at first he really wouldn’t tell me. He did tell me though. He said that he’s scared that I may be the one. And that touched me so much. I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to scream out that I’d been thinking the same thing. Ever since New Jersey, and some before that. I had been wondering if perhaps he was, if he could be the person that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. And that scares me too. But I’ve been putting if off thinking about it. Because we’ve only had 4 months together.

But in then end. I do wonder. I told him not to be scared. He’s to young to think about that, and if/when we get back together. Then we’ll see where things go, and if we both still feel that way. But it made me feel really good because at least I knew that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

In then end of it all. This would be so much easier, if one of two things happened. We would have just ended it, and not talked so much, or the thing I want to happen more, is if we give the long distance relationship a go. I just think things would be so much easier, because in times like this there would be a clear cut path, I would know exactly what I’m supposed to do. I would have to break up with him, and it’d be a bad breakup, thus ending feelings.

But the way that things are, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Right now I feel like he’s cheated on me, but I know that I can’t and I know that I shouldn’t because technically he didn’t cheat on me. But I do feel like he did. And that is hard.

Normally for me, it’s very easy for me to separate what I believe, and how I’m supposed to feel. IE, Abortion. I believe that it’s wrong, but I feel that it’s right (Meaning I support abortion, even though I think that it’s the wrong choice to make). But in this situation it’s so hard for me to do that.

It’s so hard for me to separate what I’m supposed to feel, and that I do feel. I guess that’s all I can really say on this topic. I just think that it would be easier if we were still together, or if we just ended everything. Though the latter is not at all what I want.

I know that it’s just hard yet because of the way that things did end, and the way that we still talk to each other.

We talked for nearly 5 hours yesterday. And even though it was mostly a sad talk. There was some good to come of it. I know that he still cares for me and I know how much. I believe that he’ll never do this to me again. At least not soberly. It reaffirms that I’m doing the right thing by moving out to Cali, and by accepting when he asked me to move closer to him when I do make the move.

It made me feel good to know that he felt he could tell him about this. Even though it has caused a lot of talking, and crying over the whole situation. He more then I have. Which again makes me believe how he feels.

Right now more then anything I want him back here. I want to hold him tonight so that I know it’s all true, that he does still care for me the way he says. I want him to be here and call me Topher man.

I want him to be here and tell me that he loves me, and I want to drive around and hold his hand. I want to walk through the mall and hold his hand, and kiss him. I want him to be there to tell me that the boxers I’m getting are really cute. I him to be there so that when other people are showing affection. I don’t have to be pissed at them, and can just show my affection to him.

I want him to be back here, so that I can call him my ‘Drew Bear, so that I can tell him he still means so much to me. I want to tell him how much I want him to make love to me again. I want to lay there in bed and kiss him, and hold him through the night.

We talked about how nice it’d be to have him fly here, or me fly there. And I really wish that it was feasible. I sit at work, wishing that when I get home, he’ll be there sitting on my couch watching TV, that we can go out at night, or just stay in and watch a movie. I sit in class in the afternoons wishing that he’d call me and say, Can you pick me up at the airport.

I sit at night, waiting to hear a knock on my door, or the key in the lock. I wait and wait, and it never happens.

I hope that every day I work that the nice secretary will come back with a vase of flowers, and be like, who sent those to you? and I can say… The most wonderful boy in the world.

I come home and check my mail. Hoping there will be a letter from him, with something cute in it.

I still have hope that something will happen.

In closing, I guess I want to say that it’s his life and what he did wasn’t really wrong per-say. Though it still hurt. I know that we’ll get over it, and no matter what happens, we will stay friends. Friends date other people, and they make out with other people. What happens regarding relationship in the future is something that will have to happen in the future. And we’ll just have to live and see how things go over Christmas.

I really miss him, and I’m sad that this had to happen, but everything will eventually be alright. I know it will be.

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