Category: Not Published

A Week of Bad News

This week has just been a really bad week for news.

First the whole Const and I issue. I have had some great support from my friends, and a lot of people who read here have really been very helpful. I also called my mother and she gave me some amazing support. I’ve never talked to her about these sorts of things, but she was a lot of help. I asked her to come out for the weekend, but sadly she as working.

Second, one of my good friends told me he was HIV Positive. Very scary. I did ALC last year and didn’t know anyone who was positive, and now my friend is. It really hit home that it could happen to any of us. I’m very sad for him. We went out Friday night though and had a great time chatting an catching up and what not.

Third, my friends Jason and Steve broke up which is very sad for us all. At least it seems like this was more mutual on their parts, but they both seem very hurt. Then we found out that one of our mutual friends (we’re all friends with him) went and spent the night at Steve’s house the night that they broke up. Which is just UNACCEPTABLE.

Fourth, I found out something about Const that I do not approve of at all. Who knew he was like that.

Fifth, I got an email from my grandma stating that both my grandpa and my great grandma are getting worse by the week. That’s very sad for me. I’ve always really looked up to my grandpa and respected him so much. It’s so sad to see him like this. I was thinking of heading back there for a week or two just to hang out at their house again like I used to in HS.

Heart Broken

Well, the weekend was bad.

He got here on Friday night and right away at the airport things were awkward. We headed out to dinner and had some off conversation there. It was hard to talk for some reason and hard to find things to talk about. After that we walked to the theater to see a play. Which was horrible (the play that is). Things were starting to pick up by this time between us, but still kinda strange. After that headed out to a bar and had a drink and then came home. We got into an argument in bed because he was acting strange.

Out of LoveWe cuddled in bed, but nothing really happened, no kissing or anything. It was clear that things were not going to happen. We got up Saturday morning and I served him breakfast in bed. After that things crashed and burned. We got into it again that he wasn’t trying to get us back on track, he wasn’t trying to make things better. He was just going along with things. So we were over. He packed up all his stuff and I drove him home. Lots of crying and lots of talking on my part. He just kind of sat there. All the things i had planned for him on saturday went down the drain.

I dropped him off and went home to drown myself in wine. Sirin knocked and I bawled at her for a while and then she drug me out to Pomona. Got home that night and drank some more and cried and spent the night in misery. Sunday I woke up at 3am and decided that I had to see him one last time, so I went rock climbing with them that morning. We talked a little bit, I drove him to the airport and he confirmed that this is what he wanted.

I told him that I wasn’t going to try contacting him at all, if he wants to talk, be friends, try and start something again, he can call me. I gave him a big hug as he was leaving the car and kissed him on the cheek.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and have this all be a horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and have it be Friday morning again, so that we can start this weekend all over again. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning as happy as I have been for the last 8 months. I want to go to bed tonight, and wake up in the morning and have him laying next to me. I want to see his smile again and be able to kiss his lips, to run my fingers through his hair. I want to tell him every day that I love him…. But I know that stuff will never happen again, I’ll still be sad, I’ll still probably cry all day tomorrow at my desk. If only I knew how to fall out of love….

His Return

Constantine arrives at LAX in 5 hours. My stomach has been going crazy all day with butterflies. I am very nervous for his return. How will I feel! How will he feel? I’m going crazy!

I have lots of stuff planned for the weekend, so I really hope that things go well.

I’m pretty sure they will, but you never know.

Work has been crazy busy the last two days and I have been keeping myself VERY busy at home.

Constantine introduced me to this wine called Fetzer Gewurztraminer. I highly suggest it. It’s delicious!

See your Relationship…

I feel like my relationship is crumbling under my feet. Sinking faster then I can bail the water out. My heart has been in pain for the last week. I keep trying to put on a happy face at work and go about my day, but I can’t and work just is not getting done. I sit here and try and think of things I can do to turn this around.

In short, he and I got in a huge fight this past weekend. 4 hours on the phone over 2 days, we came very close to breaking up. Words from him were. “I love you, I’m not in love with you” among others. I blame us both, one for not saying we loved each other sooner and failing to communicate, me for being a crazy and jealous, and the world for separating us at such a critical time. We’re coming up on that one year, it’s critical. The spark is dimming and we must do everything we can to keep it burning, but now we are 1,600 miles apart and we do not see each other, or hang out to keep that spark going.

This week has been torture. We talk and I’m happy, we don’t talk I am sad. I’ve been sending him txts every morning to say good morning and “I love you”. The first two days he replied right away, yesterday he emailed a few hours later. Today, nothing. I sent him a huge letter on Tuesday morning about how I thought we could change things and make them better. I’ve already made huge changes to try and make things better between us, but he has not had time to even think about it…

It makes me wonder if he really does want to try, or if he’s just saying that to try and save my feelings. I’d rather he not try and save my feelings and just tell me what he really wants to do. Last night we quickly talked about his visit next week. He wants to spend one of the 2 nights he’s here sleeping at his parents house. I understand wanting to see your parents and I’ve been thinking about it all week and was planning on dropping him off at his house around 2 on Saturday and then going to pick him up around 10. So that we could spend as much time together as possible. So that we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle and talk. But he doesn’t want that.

I tell him now every night that I love him. Something I should have been saying since Oct when I realized it. Instead, I listened to my “friends” who said it would scare him off, it’s to early… I waited till Feb, told him once, and then never brought it up again. Mostly because he never responded to it, and he’s still not responding. He says he used to love me, but he never said it, never expressed it. Now though, every time I tell him, it breaks my heart to not hear it back. Do I keep saying it? Do I just let it go. I don’t know.

I want to plan a huge romantic evening for him when he gets back… But I don’t know if I should if he’s not really willing to try and get the spark back. I’m fairly certain he’s stopped reading the blog as well. It used to be that if I wrote something here, and then didn’t tell him, he’d bring it up. But he hasn’t been doing that in a couple weeks. If history has taught me anything, that’s a signal.

You should see a relationship as a “WE” not as a “HE” and an “I”.

I see ours as WE, I’ve taken a TON of shit for that, but I feel he sees it as “HE” and “I”. :'(

I love you.. But I’m not IN love with you…

Oh those wonderful words… I’d rather hear. “I hate your guts and never want to see you again.”

But instead, I heard those words. Along with. “I just need to grow myself”. “I really care about you, but I’m not in love with you”. “The spark is just missing”. And lots of other stuff.

Over the last 3 days, Constantine and I have spent nearly 4 hours on the phone. Discussing, arguing and crying over what’s going on in our relationship. I spent my whole day Monday at work bawling my eyes out. I hope that no one noticed. I was devastated that day because I was sure that he was going to end things with me that evening.

It all started on Sunday when I brought up the “I love you” thing. I’ve said it to him for a little over a month now, but he hardly ever said it back. The first time I wrote it to him in Russian and he said. “Thanks”. So I brought it up. He says he loves me, but he’s not in love with me. He says that he misses me, but doesn’t want me to come spend time there. He says he cares about me, but isn’t excited about his trip back next week. He’s only indifferent.

He says he used to love me, that he used to care about me and miss me. But it went away. Because we never expressed it. We never said I love you up till a month ago. On our 6 month anniversary. I listened to a friend who said, “Don’t say it to early. You’ll scare him away”. So I waited until I couldn’t keep it in any more. And now I’ve potentially lost my boyfriend. This amazing person, the only person I’ve cared for so much since Andrew.

Since he’s left, I’ve spent so much time thinking about him. Wanting him to be back, wanting to hold him and kiss him again. Wanting to be able to talk to him for hours and to just look into his eyes as we lay in bed. I’ve spent so many nights not being able to sleep because I miss having him next to me. Over the last 6 months, I’ve found that emotional side of me again. The caring and loving Chris that’s been hidden since the days of Andrew. I’ve found that better side of me. The one that wants to treat his boyfriend so caringly and so lovingly that he’ll never want to let me go. And I tried to do that as much as I could. But instead I lost him because I was to afraid of losing him to tell him that I loved him. I did everything I could to show him, but I guess that wasn’t enough.

He doesn’t mind not talking every day, he doesn’t mind if I txt him something sweet and he doesn’t respond, because he’s not in love with me.

When I love someone, the only thing I want to do is sit and talk to him. I could do nothing but sit around all day and talk and go and see things and hang out and hold his hand and cuddle with him and kiss him oh so softly on the lips. I wish that we didn’t have to work so that I could spend every second of every day with him.

I hate not being the last one to say good night to him, I hate not being the first to say good morning. I hate not knowing what he’s up to and missing all the things he does every day. Small things matter so much to me. I’m crazy like that. “What’d you have for dinner”. “What time did you get home”. “When did you get to bed”. “Did anything make you happy/mad at the office today”. These are all questions that I love asking and love knowing about. It may seem small, stupid things, but I love knowing them, I love finding them out. Instead he just sees hem as controlling.

So we’ve spent the last two days going back and forth. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” … “I don’t want to lose you, but you deserve better then this”. “I’m so devoid of emotions and I think you need more then that.”

He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t know if he wants to continue. We talked about the emotions things and I suggested he get a therapist while he was there to try and work through it. I hope that he does.

In the end, after all the crying and yelling was done. We decided to wait till he comes back next week. See how things go and then decide what’s going to happen.

One part of me wants to just start distancing myself emotionally now. But another part is screaming at me saying. “You have to make this the best weekend of his life. You can’t let him get away.” I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of crying over him, but I care about him so much. He’s been an amazing boyfriend, few emotions and all.

I think the whole issue is just because he’s in a new place. I am a little controlling, and we’re at that critical time in our relationship where the spark is in fact fading and we must work harder to keep the fire burning while he is so far away….. I hope that things turn out for the better. I have to be honest that over the last few days thoughts of suicide have started to come back. Why must I be so fucking dramatic? I am going to go see a therapist on my own to work through those issues and the few remaining issues I have with the breakup from Andrew regarding long distance and trust. So I hope that I can become a better boyfriend for Constantine and I hope that Constantine will go and see someone so that he can become a better boyfriend as well.

Below is a letter I wrote to him after our last big discussion….

Hey Babe.

I am really glad we talked again last night and were able to start working things out and start our spark back a little. I spent some time to do a little research and thinking again… I think that the following resources will really help us both and I will be trying to take the advice to make our relationship better. I’ve started this process by making a list of things in myself that I and you don’t like. A few of them I’ve already started to work on. Such as not bottling things up, others are new that we’ve talked about or brought up over the last few days. I also started a list of things that I’d like to see us work on together or little things that I think can help us in the long run.

http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/longdistancere_saqt.htm
http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/relationships/long-distance-relationships.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work
http://ezinearticles.com/?Great-Relationships:-How-to-Get-the-Spark-Back&id=57608
http://www.aish.com/dating/advice/Dating_Advice_109_-_The_Missing_Spark.asp

A few things that I need to accept in myself:

1) Calm down – I need to give you space to enjoy your time there. I will make a resolution to not freak out when you go out and to stop the questions that you feel have a negative undertone.
2) Give you space – I feel that the following quote is best suited for this:
“Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to “find themselves”, but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.”
3) I want to talk more about what we want out of life in the long run.
4) Go out more myself and take this time to find and make better friends so that you don’t feel like I am dependent on you.
5) Not to bottle things up. If something is bothering me, bring it up immediately.

A few things that I want us to work on together:

1) Sharing our feelings
2) Talk at least once a day.
3) Drinking tea together whenever we talk at night
4) Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the other person.
5) Take time to reminisce with each other about good things in the past.
6) Talk more about our history, our childhood, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, our short and long term goals, etc.

I’d like for you to take a minute to think about what you can change that will make us a better couple. I’d also like for you to think of anything I’ve missed that either I can work on or that we can both work on.

Lastly, I know we talked about your emotions last night, and I think that you are genuine in wanting to change that some. I love the Constantine you are, few emotions and all. But it seemed like you were concerned about that in yourself and wanted to change. I took a couple minutes today to call a few places there, since I’ve been through so many therapists doors, I’m pretty good at picking them any more. I talked to one who’s just a few miles from your apartment, she doesn’t prescribe miracle pills and has a philosophy of active listening and self-development. She’s been very active in the gay community and said she regularly holds gay couples counseling sessions. Her name is Nancy White and you can call her at 713-961-5243. It’s completely up to you babe if you want to call or not. I love you for you. :-*

“If you rest upon the ground,
In the warmth,
I’ll become the grass.
And embrace you.”

Love,
Chris.

PS. Sorry I’m so wordy lately!!! I hope this one doesn’t print out to 10 pages! haha.