Soups On

LOL oh the Simpsons. YAY SIMPSONS! Anyways, today has been rather uneventful. I reshot all my pictures so hopefully they come out well. If they don’t I’m gonna shoot myself in the face… or shoot again, whichever will work better.
Well I got a request for a character list. LOL. So here goes.
MAIN CHARACTERS-these are the people I will probably be referring to most often.
Andrew McGeehan-this is me. Anyone who reads this should know who I am, so no further explanation is needed.
Erin-this is my best friend in NJ. She isn’t really a girlscout cookie seller, but I love her anyway. Oh, and she can’t conduct herself at wakes.
David-this is my ex boyfriend that I am still in love with. Yeah, it sucks, but he really is a great guy.
Skinny AKA Mike-a good friend of mine, I used to have a crush on him.
Jenny-another good friend of mine, we have grown a little apart in the recent weeks, but I still consider her one of my better friends.
Ginny-another good friend. Freshman year she was really mean to me. She’s still mean, but I like her now! 🙂
Mom-my mother. She’s eccentric, weird, crazy, and everything else. But I love her!
Dustin-a really good friend of mine who moved to Iowa City to go to college. We dream of going to California together.
Rachel-she has been there for me ever since freshman year. We’ve always been good friends. She is VERY eccentric (more so than mother) and sometimes she can pull me out of a bad mood with a simple song and dance lol.
Katie-Katie is another good friend of mine (sheesh I have a lot of good friends) She is bitter as anything, and that’s what we love about her. Sarcasm is needed when dealing with her.
Courtney-Yet another wonderful friend. We’ve been friends forever, and she is just great. Also known as my “sugerpie” and “honeybunch.”
Sheila-a good friend. We met on the job (at Hy-Vee). The night we met, we performed “Operation Ben” and have been inseperable ever since. She goes to U of I.
Emily-wild and crazy girl who moved here from Milwaukee. She’s really sweet, and we always have good times scooping the loop together!
Laura-she is awesome! We are eyebrow ring buddies. I really like Laura and don’t get to see her as much as I’d like to.
Adam-a really cool guy that I met through Skinny. He is awesome, and he used to hate me, but now things are excellent! I love you!
Chris-Adam’s boyfriend. He is really fun and random, that’s what I like about him. He’s really cool to hang out with.
Brian Niblo-another friend from downtown. He’s really smart and interesting to talk to.
NOT SO MAIN CHARACTERS-this is the section for everyone else. (no offense, these are just people I don’t get to see or talk to as much.)
Julian-another boy from Group, Youth Alliance, etc. He shares the same passion I do for excellent RPG’s. He’s really cool too.
Theresa-her and Laura usually come as a pair, but not as much lately. She is really fun as well.
Lindsay-the only sophomore in Publications, she is really cool and even though I used to not like her, she is A-OK by me now!
Jeremy-the boy who incited me to write this list. The self-proclaimed “Queen of Sass” he’s really sarcastic, but in a fun way.
Sarah S.-she is really fun. She took my place at the Floral Department. She’s so cute and we always have Espanol together!
Kristin-we have been friends for awhile, and we always have good times together. I usually don’t see her except for English and Spanish class, but she is great!
Samantha-another friend who I don’t get to see too much, but she is so cute and great! I love having Physics with her!
Marcus-Katie’s boyfriend. He is really nice, and a good guy to have around.
Gerry-about the best straight guy friend I have. He’s into gay rights and loves every last one of us! yay Gerry!
Savanna-she’s sooooo sweet! She is really fun and I love to talk to her, she always makes me laugh.
Erin M-I talk to her all the time at my locker, she’s really fun and super cute!
Alanna-alanna is a speech buddy of mine “bubble together” and we are always laughing and entertaining each other.
Scott-we have been friends ever since my freshman year. Sadly, I do not get to see him as often now that he is at college, but he’s still around!
Danielle-a real cool cat who is currently in Argentina, studying. She will be back in January, I can’t wait! Love you!
Sonoma-she is so sweet! I used to refer to her as “the girl that keeps me straight” Not so much anymore, but she is still wonderful!
Natalie-another friend from school, who is precious!
Jesup-a boy I work with at the Gas Station. He also goes to my school, he’s really nice.
David 2-this is not to be confused with the original David. This David is nice and we see each other a lot downtown, he also gets gas at my gas station.
Alex-new boy from Tennessee (sp?) He has a cute little accent and is pretty nice.
Stephanie-she is the greatest! She wrote me a note practically every day during Advanced Math last year. A very nie and kind person!
Sasha-very uplifting and spiritual person. She is always trying to make everyone happy and she is involved in EVERYTHING!
Tracey-I have known her since freshman year, and I think we’ve had a billion classes together. She’s nice and can sometimes be very funny.
Chelsy-she is soo cute! we’ve also been friends since freshman year (not good ones though) and we have lockers next to each other, so we always bitch about the idiots at our school.
Kaci-I haven’t really talked to her much except this year, she’s really random though, that’s what I like!
Erin T-she is super-smart, and also really nice. We gripe about things together.
Kiersten-she is fairly new to our school. She is very pretty, and we laugh a lot during econ. Especially when we use “predatory pricing” to destroy the game. Whoops..
Jessie-Katie’s sister, I don’t see her very much, but she rocks!
Sarah W.-she is really cool! We did an acting ensemble freshman year and I’ve never forgotten her! I don’t see her much because she is always at Central. She’s great though.
Jeremiah-first guy I ever went out with. Nuff said.
Naithen-we dated for a month and he broke up with me right after his show choir show, on stage, in front of everyone. Tactful.
Will-really hot guy. We dated for a little bit.
Jeremy-ooh, not my greatest decision. Oh well, he was nice, I guess..
Brian-also known as Big BP. He moved to Texas. I haven’t seen him in awhile.

Well, I think those are all the people that I’ll ever mention, unless I meet new people in which case I won’t be adding them here because that would be too much work. Now on to what is actually going on in my life.
Well I go upstairs today after school, and Kelly (my sis) and Mother seem to be fighting. I guess John is going to have an interview for a job in Florida. So she was freaking out because she thinks just cause he has an interview, we are packing our bags next week. Hello, first of all, we aren’t going to go at least until I graduate, cause I’m not just gonna pack up with only 3 terms left. I’m gonna stay at Waukee. She is just stupid. She was like crying and stuff. I think it would be neat to move again, and I regret that maybe I won’t be around to experience that. My mom was like “Now go look for colleges in Florida.” I was like “mmm no, Florida is too hot for me.” Anyways, she started yelling at me about something random, which made no sense. I was like “Do what you want, I’m going to California.” The only downside, which I just realized, is that if they move to Florida, then I have absolutely no incentive to come back to Iowa ever. I won’t come back on holidays cause I won’t have any family here. Which would be sad, because I might not be able to see my friends anymore, or David, and that would just be traumatic. But I’m not gonna be like my sis and pretend we’ve moved already. I personally doubt that we will actually move, and when we do, it won’t affect me. However, if they move to Florida, Mother will be even further from California, and she may not enjoy that, and may prevent me from going. GRR… why does she have to try and stop me from doing what I want to do? Sorry, but I have my own life, and I am going to go where I want to go. I want to experience everything I possibly can. Oh well.
Skinny better call soon, I’m getting restless.
My first Friday in, oh I don’t know, EVER, that I don’t have to work! YAY!

uhh… its denser?

Ha! That was my response to the question in Physics, “Why is poisonous gas used to fill airbags?” I definitely did not know the answer.
Oh well. Anyways, NEWS! Sorta. When I turned my phone on, I definitely had a message. “Hey Andrew, it’s David. I hadn’t talked to you in awhile, and just thought I would call and see how you were doing because I was thinking about you. I tried to call the residence, but no one picked up. Call me back soon, I would really appreciate it.” That isn’t the exact wording, but its the basic jist. Anyways, that put me in a good mood. So I decided to call him when the day was over. We got out at 1, and I went home. Emily called me. Then my cell rang. It was him. I picked up and he was like “Wait, shouldn’t you be at school mister?” or something like that, it was cute. Anyways, I was thinking “Uhh… if you thought that, then why did you call..?” Anyways, Emily needed to talk so I told David I would call him back. When I got done talking to Emily, I called. I was afraid that he might not answer his phone, but much to my happiness, he did. We just talked for like 20 minutes about randomness, what was going on in our lives, etc. I just wanted to scream out “I LOVE YOU!” but I kept it inside. I wonder what he feels. I really want to know. But we talk so sporadically that I don’t want to ruin everything by bringing it up. So I don’t know. When we were about to get off the phone, he said we’d talk soon, blah blah blah. He was like “you can call me you know.” I was like “Yeah, you can call me too, we’ll get ahold of each other sometime soon.” I really wanna see him! I miss him a lot. As a friend, boyfriend, everything. I just miss him. I hope he misses me too, and I hope I get the opportunity to see him soon. I’m also a little confused. I don’t get why he keeps calling and saying he’s thinking about me and wondering how I am and stuff. It implies to me that clearly feelings are not 100% gone.. am I wrong? I really need help, if anyone has an opinion on this, definitely leave me a message. I’m so confused!
In other worlds, we went to look at this house today that was ABSOLUTELY amazing!!! I guess this guy is selling it for 700,000 dollars, but no one is buying it. So we are hoping I guess to talk him down or something, and we may make a deal with him because he likes our house or something like that. But this house, oh my goodness! It was the greatest house. It had a really beautiful everything. It had this really cool multi-leveled deck that was just fabulous. And it had a little brook under it.. perfect for moonlight kisses :). But I would basically have the whole downstairs which was like a media room, a kitchen, my bedroom, a den area, and like 3 bathrooms. Oh my, it was wonderful. I told my mom that we could start moving in today. It was just crazy! So I hope that we can possibly move into it. Moving will be a whole lotta work, that I probably won’t want to do, but it would be worth it to be in this house. You have to see it to believe it and hopefully all of you will cause hopefully we move there!
Anyways, my bed is calling, I am tired as a motherfucker. lol

i know that its late and maybe I shouldn’t be so into you…

And with those words, the song that can always make me cry begins. Why can’t things be easy? Why can’t people understand? I am sad. I am upset. I am crazy. I am sick. I am in love. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Driving home from Skinny’s, I was feeling sad. I just was. Mostly because David said he might call today and maybe we could hang out. Well, I knew from the get-go that he would not call, but I held on to this very small glimmering hope that maybe, just maybe, he would realize some things and want to see me. I don’t understand. I gave him everything he possibly needed. I bitched minimally. We had the best relationship I have ever been in, and the best I foresee myself in. I can’t believe I can’t have that anymore. But he loves me. I know he does. He has a hard time admitting things, and he probably is trying to repress everything, just like I try to do. However, I tend to fail and then I explode and end up crying a lot. Sometimes I like to cry. Driving home, when I was listening to our song (Brandy #14) I cried. But I liked it, I needed to do it. But as I was crying, all I could see was David sitting next to me in the car, and us both holding hands and both crying, and him telling me how he never should’ve let me go, and how much he loved me, and how proud he always was of me, and how no one ever genuinely cared for him that way I did. What did I do to have that ripped away from me? This sucks. I hate this. I want to be happy. Being with David makes me happy. He did so much for me that no one ever knew about. And of course, as soon as I got home, I had to go and pull out the box with all our pictures and all the gifts he gave me. Of course, that incited another round of crying. We were so perfect together. We are so perfect together. When will this happiness resume? Christmas? Summer? Next year? Five years from now? I can’t wait that long. I can’t even get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to be close to anyone anymore. I want to be close to David. I want him to be in my life. I want him to love me. I want us to be the happy, loving, great and wonderful couple that we always were. I want things to be the way they used to. The laughter, the late night phone calls, the walks, the watching COPS with his parents, the dinners, the drinks, the kisses, the hugs, and everything in between. Oh why can’t it be that way?

I have to go to a wedding now. I’d rather shoot myself.

that’s like 14 years of being pregnant

GRRRRR…. I am maddened. So things in Publications were semi-ok. I need to be more creative on creating the paper, which doesn’t really work out, because I am not too creative. I did ask Jenny to help me out at times though, and she said ok. So today we sorta talked, but not really. And I guess she told Skinny about what’s happening between us, which makes me mad because like 2 days ago, she was saying how she was done with Skinny and blah blah blah. So he calls me and is like “you need to talk to jenny.” I was like “excuse me? How do you know what’s going on? I don’t even know what’s going on.” So grr. Then, surprise surprise, her and Ginny ran off to the bathroom AGAIN! It made me so fuckin mad today, I almost stopped and said something. And yet AGAIN, I was not said bye to. I had to say it first, and then I got it back, pretty bitchily. They couldn’t even turn around and say it. What the hell did I fucking do to deserve this? I’m sick of it, it’s bullshit. I am just tired of being this clueless person, who has no idea what is going on with his friends, who just has to deal with them being nasty to him. I doubt that’s what friends are supposed to do. And Ginny didn’t ask if I was going to Youth Group tonight, so I guess I’m not going unless she calls me. Though I’m sure if Jenny is going, I won’t get an invite. *sigh* Why is life so godamn hard?

I thought about David last night. Can’t say it was the best thoughts to have. It really makes me frustrated that so many things remind me of him… Here are a few:
Brandy (especially song #14)
Avril Lavigne
Phantom of the Opera
The Golden Girls
Drag shows
“Eveything’s Eventual”
My “sherpa” jacket
My jeans, polo, and collared shirt he bought me
“It’s hot up in this bitch”
“Standing Still”
Song 3 on Mates of State
Enrique Iglesias
Messy hair
Silver rings/earrings, etc..
Janet Jackson
Aalyiah (sp?)
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
That country song “and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain”
My straw necklace
Tongue rings
Hip bones
Practically everything I see/own…
*sigh* There are so many more. Why did he have to call me? I miss him….. I’m so pathetic. I was telling Emily about it today and she said I need to drop him and that he can’t just play me while he’s with Nate. Except he isn’t really playing me, because he isn’t indicating that he still cares for me. Although I’ll be the first to admit that the phone call said a lot to me. I honestly expected to never hear from him again. I doubt he even knows what he is doing. Everyone always does so much to me without even knowing it! I’ve contemplated writing him a letter to let him know how I feel. But I fear he would dismiss me as another “clint”, so to speak, and that is the last thing I want to be. I want to be remembered as a good boyfriend. Not just good.. the best. Because I was the best. Even now, I don’t think David could honestly say that someone has treated him better than I did. I was the one who drove to his house every day after school, I’m the one who always brought him flowers, I’m the one who went crazy finding stuff for his Open House the day of, I’m the one who bought him tickets to Phantom of the Opera, I’m the one who made him cards and a box, I’m the one who held him and who made everything better, I’m the one he could always turn to, I’m the one who his family loved, I’m the one who made him dinner, I’m the one who would and did drop everything for him, I’m the one who gave my all to make him happy, I’m the one who loved him…. I’m the one who will always love him………..I’m the one who hates myself for feeling this way…..this sucks..
How can it be that I still feel this way? It’s been over 3 months! I know what it is. We cannot deny what happened before he left for college. I know it wasn’t about the physical stuff, I know it wasn’t a “heat of the moment” thing. There was too much surrounding it…way too much. I could even tell that whole day that nothing had felt changed at all. And I know he didn’t want it to be changed. He kept calling me “honey” and touching my arm or back like he used to do at his house. What we have is undeniable. It’s true, it’s pure. It’s not over. It can’t be… and at the same time, it has to be. Why doesn’t this make sense? David, how do you feel? Do you love me still…?


I hate when somehow my entire world comes crashing down on me in one single moment. I went to youth group tonight. Things were going fine, sorta. Gerry informed me that Jenny was, in fact, not coming to youth group because I was there. So I guess you could say the night had a negative vibe from the get-go. So during group, we all bowed our heads and prayed. Well I honestly was afriad to, because I knew what would happen. But I faced my fear and did it. And what I thought would happen, did happen. I cried. I cried hard. I cried for a long time. I don’t remember the last time I did that. I don’t really wanna get into it right now, because I’m not even sure I can. I just.. I don’t know… I felt like such a horrible person as I was praying and I thought about all the horrible, terrible things I said about religion and God. Then I started thinking about the whole Jenny situation. I cried even harder. I felt so alone, so empty. I feel like part of me has been ripped away. And to make it worse, I don’t even know why. I concluded that it was something I did and I got more upset for doing whatever it is that I did. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not sure I know who I am. “I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel deep in my own world, but I’m so lonely I don’t even wanna be with myself anymore.”–that about sums it up. What’s wrong with me? What did I do? I’m sorry Jenny. I’m sorry God. I’m sorry everyone. I try. I try so damn hard. And it gets me nowhere. The harder I try, the more people hate me, the more I get screwed over. Like, for instance, someone found my Physics notebook. Instead of being nice or something and letting Doc Stehn have it so that I could potentially get it back, whoever found it ripped out all of my Physics notes and then threw the book in the parking lot. I mean, what could I possible have done to deserve that? Clearly something. I’m sure it had something to do with being gay, because everything has something to do with me being gay. I lose friends because I’m gay. I make enemies with people I’ve never talked to before because I’m gay. I give everyone a reason to blame whatever I do on: I’m gay. I HATE IT! Sometimes I just don’t wanna be gay anymore. I can’t deal with all the hate and animosity that comes along with it. It’s not right to hate for that. I didn’t do anything. This isn’t my fault. I’m losing sense of purpose. I’m losing my identity. I feel like even my friends think of me as “gay”, not as “Andrew”. Well, shockingly enough, I am more than a stereotype. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. Somebody please come save me. I need somebody to hug me and tell me everything will be alright. And while I was sitting in the pew crying, no one did that for me. No one. I hate myself. I hate the person I am.